American Looking Glass: A Special Assignment

Simeon Radcliff is no ordinary man. No, one might even go so far as to describe him as extra-ordinary, and it is that use of adjectives that indicated him as special from the early age of 18 when he became Radcliff P.I. Yet it is not his position as a professional intern that interests us, despite the interesting juxtaposition of some one trying to make a profession out of what is nominally a temporary position. No, it is the years spent as an undercover office manager. Undercover for whom, I cannot tell! Do you want me to blow his cover, are you mad do you know what the district manager could do to him, bad things: Docking pay, demotions, Canceling Vacation time, Castration.
Anyway for the purpose of this expose’ his contacts are unimportant, nay, antithetical to the very notion of important so far from said concept that the mere notion of importance should be and has been defecated upon in similar instances. What is important is how Radcliff finally blew the whistle on one of the largest makers of referee whistles in North America. The irony about whistle blowing at a whistle manufacturing company was not lost on Radcliff who to this day in clandestine memorandum makes humorous puns on the phrase, though seriously man it’s getting old fast.
Yet it was his dry wit that made him such a valuable asset to the intelligence department of Lanyard & Lanyards incorporated. The Cleveland based maker of most of Americas whistle and medical Lanyards, which are used with increasing rarity do to a change in whistle loop diameter. Originally we attributed said changes to the fickle tastes of today’s up and coming referees who desire ever smaller and more personalized loops which lend themselves to strands made with hemp and nylon fibers, not the synthetic polymers traditionally associated with the classical lanyards and its associated paraphernalia. This seemed reasonable until our randomized double blind studies determined Referees still preferred the lanyard for its durability and strength. We had to get to the bottom of this mystery before it was to late for another generation to know the warmth and beauty of shiny whistles hanging from a standard size US Lanyard in any other context then a museum piece.
I made contact with Simeon Radcliff in his old Chevrolet were he was dressed as a transgender night walker in the old garment district, using the pass phrase “ I can swing anyway you want,” Which had led to some unwanted affection for Simeon a short time earlier do to a unfortunate, yet strangely sitcom-esque, set of circumstances. As I slid into the car he handed me a folder emblazoned in multi colored glitter “Simeon Radcliff’s big, big secret folders: Absolutely filled with company secrets.” I took it from him and asked if anyone knew he had this, he said aside from his daughter who he had made the folder with him a week before, no one. I smacked him and told him he was beautiful, in case anyone was watching and then asked him what he thought was going on, and he told me.
It seems the Company had made a secret pact with British Columbia Hemp Farmers association, through the intermediary of Blake Newberry, a Co-editor and writer for The Whiskey Republic, and my personal Arch-Nemesis. I was beginning to see the connection but I needed more proof, I told him we didn’t have enough proof to move forward, and he just looked and me for a while in disbelief before he said “ Look in the file dumb ass, that’s why I brought it.” I did and the sheer volume of proof blew me away, I asked him if the sources were credible and he said “no, their totally unreliable” in a strange tone I just couldn’t place. I thought it was all for not, since it seemed we had no credible information, but then he gave me another look and said he was being sarcastic. I didn’t know what he meant so I just smiled, nodded, and tried to give him a hug because he looked like he needed it. He pushed me away and I told him I would stay in contact as I deposited a fat envelope in his hand. It was only five one hundred dollar bills but I had also stuffed some useful coupons in their including one for a free tanning session as a friendly personal touch.
I went home to consult with Oberon the Dark Jedi, and while some contend he is just a action figure, I always remember the wise words of my father that if he is real to me that’s real enough. I closed my eyes while holding the figurine and he slowly began using his telepathy to tell me his dark secrets.
After ten minutes or so of telling me I was bad and to make fires we got to the point at hand. He whispered in my mind, “Those pants make you look gay and… wait what the hells in that folder, some more of your naughty pictures.” I looked down in shame until I realized they weren’t mine and I told him all about Simeon Radcliff. I also had to explain to him how I couldn’t kill him or I might lose my job and then mommy and daddy would hate me, he told me they already do. Unfortunately for him though I knew he was a filthy liar so I put him in the microwave for being bad, his screams will haunt me till the day I die. After that I went to sleep and dreamt of Sponge Bob and chuckled at his under seas misadventures.
When I awoke I had forgotten all about Simeon Radcliff, despite the fact that handling him was my only responsibility, and it would be several days before I would remember him, coincidently while taking a sponge bath in the company bathroom. When I did, I called him and asked if he wanted to hang out or something. He asked who I was and I got offended that he didn’t recognize my voice and I hung up. I went to his house that night before he got home and crawled into his closet to surprise him when he got in, because I personally love surprises and at Lanyard & Lanyards Inc. we’re all about love. Unfortunately instead of Simeon, some strange women burst into the room, no doubt one of those home invasions everyone is always hearing about. I pulled on one of the sheets and begun flailing about making ghost noises hoping to scare her away, and it seemed to work, but it turns out that instead of calling ghost busters she called the police. Luckily by that time Simeon was home and he cleared everything up. I told him I was there to repay a blood debt and started to cut my hand but he stopped me, what a friend. I told him that we needed more proof, and he asked why the folder wasn’t enough, how could I be so stupid. I told him I had diarrhea and ran back home and actually looked at the folder, but the information was very technical and boring and I quickly fell a sleep in the sweet embrace of a dreamy sponge bob.
The next day I had my boss read it and he said that I did good, real good. I corrected his English, that I has did good since my good was in the past and I was at present feeling very naughty. He just looked at me, smiled and then gave me a hug. Over the subsequent days we successfully sued all guilty parties and the Lanyard was safe once again. As for Simeon Radcliff, well we sort of lost contact though he some times calls me asking were the rest of his money is, I just smile and hang up the phone, remembering all the good times we had.