America to World "We are horny for Assad's blood"

This is Syria, Assad is the G-String, and Sunni Muslims and western democracies are begging for it, what else is America to do?

While America doesn't want to admit it, especially around our first black President, nothing would make us happier, as a nation, than seeing Assad publicly executed. Honestly, I imagine seeing a bump in births 9 months after Assad's brutalized corpse is paraded through Damascus, and the sex act known as "The Assad" will involve hours of edging and a wild fantasy orgasm, we will work out the finer points after we actually kill the man. Honestly, Obama couldn't have built us up to a better national climax, getting his signals mixed and going after Bush's boy in the Arab Spring and passing the buck on Syria, playing coy and clueless, all the while knowing America wanted, no, needed, to penetrate Syrian airspace, again, and again until Assad is overthrown, and then step in for a partition so the Alawites don't get massacred, because a massacre of religious/ ethnic minorities, at the national level, is the opposite of sexy.

Given the chance, he will wreck Syria, and what Imperialist power will want them then?

Oh, I don't expect Russia to understand, they have their own interests, and have been gently fondling Assad since 2014, and now Trump wants to swoop in, Cuckold Putin and ravage Syria? Of course the ex-soviet East German honeypot will have to put up a fight, which just makes it hotter, slowly circling around Latakia until both nations shudder with a Russian evacuation, or WWIII. Lovers long kept at a distance by international norms, now brought into a close sensual dance, and sure, the last time our nations rubbed like this the USA was killing Nazis and the Rus where raping their wives and orphaning their children, we had a good thing, but there is one solid truth about Russia, its a cold bitch that never says "I love you", at the level of State, regardless, they need to know, this going to happen.

Sometimes Assad likes to get out of his killing cloths and go shopping with his wife, in Europe, away from his countrymen who desperately want to kill him

So let us tell Syria, that, like, a total eclipse of the heart, our nations' airforce and marines will only be making things right. So let us hope Trump's 58-59 missile, "Just the tip" strategy is just the beginning, and noting the American voters excitement, ramps it up, leaving Syria exhausted and gasping for international relief.

Nation Rallies behind "Spider Moms", many picked off and cocooned in their silk

Don't be fooled by the comical mask, this spider mom has begun a grotesque transformation, replacing her lips with mandible like parts, and she is sporting a wig because her scalp has become hard and chitinous, her glorious and terrifying  transfiguration has begun!  

The new fad among twenty to forty -something mothers who feel overwhelmed and under appreciated is to ingest  arachnid mutagen, seductively labeled Portia, named after genus of jumping spider it is harvested from, and begin a months long transformation that will render them unrecognizable, as they have become giant super intelligent spider moms, who often continue to try to care for their horrified family in increasingly twisted ways. 9 out of 10 spider moms report feeling peace, serenity, lack of empathy, and an unspeakable hunger.

Spidermom's will spend hours planning and then executing "Family Trips" were they will cocoon and abduct their estranges families taking them in tinted minivans to "Special Spider-mom family oriented attractions", which were once human attractions that have been infested with, and abandoned to, Spidermom's. before insisting that she drop everyone off at work/school, at some point in the night, still cocooned, to be found by someone in the morning, but not before force feeding them with a funnel a puree of all the foods she thinks they should be eating, before checking their webs, drinking a box of wine, and sleeping it off till the next family adventure.

Some spider mom's are opportunistic hunter's, placing webs for drunks, bicyclist and people with poor eyesight who refuse to get glasses, though most choose to lure their prey into the open before subduing them, sometimes nagging them to come out into the open for weeks, before the exasperation of her prey dooms them. The spidermom's favorite prey is other non-spidermom's, though they have been known to consume other spidermom's who say anything, even mildly, critical. They have also been known to prey on men who turn down their sexual advances as they believe themselves to be excellent mimics.