tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-133205952024-02-28T03:26:48.094-05:00The Whiskey RepublicWhere the thirsty get their newsBlake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.comBlogger210125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-79300824409111060072018-05-27T17:53:00.000-04:002018-05-27T17:53:34.586-04:00Glover's Calrissian is going to be totally depraved<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLKb9YULkHV_T1sEwHJKJt1CdKIA9D20Z9xYwC8tZxxmZ1QnQpkroFaBzbzU56bFdJGuDCXitSaMDRxUB2xxZUzKBTA-4XoJA4GKc_21QjjJxrKei9LkpaKZytKL_biieN6led/s1600/Calrissian.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="538" data-original-width="710" height="302" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLKb9YULkHV_T1sEwHJKJt1CdKIA9D20Z9xYwC8tZxxmZ1QnQpkroFaBzbzU56bFdJGuDCXitSaMDRxUB2xxZUzKBTA-4XoJA4GKc_21QjjJxrKei9LkpaKZytKL_biieN6led/s400/Calrissian.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"He is going to do it all, and if you don't shut up, he has space age duct tape"</td></tr>
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While many outlets have discussed a young <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2018/05/22/entertainment/donald-glover-lando-solo/index.html">Lando Calrissian's pan-sexual proclivities</a>, Ron Howard has gone a step further and made him a borderline Hannibal Lecter character, both in the outtakes, and further iterations of the now prolific Star Wars franchise. While Phil Lord and Christopher Miller had used the character to push a sexually exciting angle, Howard's will push the envelope on what is socially acceptable for a a non-villainous character.<br />
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"I want the audience to understand the fear and helplessness that comes with living outside the law in the 'Star Wars' universe, that friendly and likeable characters can turn on you in a moment, in the worst possible way, and there is nothing you can do about it" said an excited, nitrous huffing Howard's.<br />
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"He is kind of like someone who says 'I am only on this planet for night' so he kills a hooker, male female, whatever, because it doesn't really matter to him, he's eaten the candy, and is done with the wrapper" Donald Glover pointed out. "He doesn't see the world in terms of good or evil, light or dark, just one situation, person, or event to manipulate. Had not fate intervened I imagine he would have been angling for a Princess/ Hairsuite threesome before disposing of enemies of the state in the original series, and I want to honor that" he added.<br />
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Both the actor, and everyone else involved in Disney's decision making has made it absolutely clear that they don't believe Pan-sexuals, are evil, psychopathic, manipulative madmen, who live for murder, mayhem, and power, but a young Lando Calrissian certainly was. They also made it clear that if the young Calrissian character proved popular, Disney is planning a trilogy, and additional spin off series. " We want the world to become acquainted with darkness, the humiliating milking of a once proud piece of intellectual property, and the virtual immunity that comes with being a planet hopping, charismatic man with wealth to burn" said an amorphous creature of gas and fire representing Disney, before sexually humiliating the assembled journalists. <div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-83599166811477754802018-03-21T09:02:00.000-04:002018-03-21T09:03:43.953-04:00Sudan fakes death to avoid Incest<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK-nMgrIUS4KrgJXRyaOnOCVDAh-eLgmLNy8wII9-bkT8QiP3XR52WcUMOSX2zwmBeR_3QEXh1-Yua7WV3Pe7zDKV50d-HpJdqSjaGPQEixRf1GHdxp1HBT_daeK8DY1ZoZQjS/s1600/sudan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="616" data-original-width="1096" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK-nMgrIUS4KrgJXRyaOnOCVDAh-eLgmLNy8wII9-bkT8QiP3XR52WcUMOSX2zwmBeR_3QEXh1-Yua7WV3Pe7zDKV50d-HpJdqSjaGPQEixRf1GHdxp1HBT_daeK8DY1ZoZQjS/s400/sudan.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The world wanted him to impregnate his daughter and granddaughter, he just wanted that not to happen</td></tr>
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The the WWF and their ilk would like you to believe "Sudan, the last of the Northern White Rhino died in Kenya", while a White Rhino who looked like Sudan, aside from a bushy beard and mustache, and a rhino scale fedora was seen making his way to mingle with a herd of Southern White Rhinos around lake Nakuru. It should also be noted that if you say the above quoted phrase to a certain antique dealer in Barcelona, you will go down a rabbit hole you could never have dreamt of. While his daughter Najin, and Granddaughter Fatu are still held in captivity, where their captors still seek to impregnate them with Sudan's frozen seed in their sick Eugenics attempt to breed a "Pure" Northern White Rhinos. Like an inbred Eastern European Teuton dynasty, the smaller, chubbier, balder, with a bad case of horn envy, Northern White Rhinos have been fetishized by conservationists the world round due to their near extinction numbers. While their population has always been small, only 3,000 in 1909, there numbers dropped precipitously, to 31 in 1984, due to living in Sub-Saharan Africa without an AK-47, and while their numbers increased 47 in 2000, both conservationists and captive breeding programs simultaneously dropped the ball. What is left of this population is the sexiest thing to happen for a distinct set of zoological fetishists with a hard on for near extinct charismatic Megafauna, since the Western Black Rhino was declared extinct in 2011.<br />
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It should also be noted that the Southern White Rhino is doing just fine, the most abundant subspecies of Rhino today, and therefore far less sexy. Knowing this, Sudan, who has been faking infertility for years to avoid procreating with relatives, knew his only chance for settling down for the quiet life with a nice Southern female was to work with a team of World Wrestling Federation extremists dressed as conservationists, romancing Kate Micucci, co-opting a gang of corrupt Kenyan officials, and befriending the Kratt brothers, who do not consider the semi-natural surroundings of the Ol Pejeta Conservancy to be "Living free, and in the wild". Of course they were opposed by WWF goons, who wanted nothing more than to continue using Sudan as the raison d'etre and fundraising tool, Kenyan officials fighting for good government, and Nature Cat. The whole plot would have been foiled to, if not for some skillful voice work from Micucci, which distracted Nature Cat just long enough for Mick Foley and Martin Kratt to sneak Sudan into an 18-wheeler for the 5-hour drive to Lake Nakuru. After a well played fox & hound/ Fish & bird romance analogies, despite her saucer eyes and squeaking voice, Sudan was able to let Kate down easy, the Kratt brothers were just happy to get a selfie with Sudan and knowing they had knocked Nature Cat off "The Wagon" ensuring PBS funding for years to come, and the hardcore violence ballerinos were just glad to strike a blow for the day that WWF will again be associated dramatic violence, as opposed to the slow death of the natural world.<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-11970682385925418302018-03-18T18:03:00.000-04:002018-03-18T18:03:33.253-04:00GOP Senators and Congressmen are retiring to write for the "Gowdy-verse"<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLJWBxsaCSVq_tX3lsB0zkScP_UnpNukYGUbWpZ1INdIpuAvl5fVMFBbNVYLmO64_H7GGpg-VsEwtGgSWOMuWMjWarcakPI7w4B2xjDRxS2_ssv4gdMtg6OzWKFSV0oAawvgPh/s1600/Gowdy+Con.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLJWBxsaCSVq_tX3lsB0zkScP_UnpNukYGUbWpZ1INdIpuAvl5fVMFBbNVYLmO64_H7GGpg-VsEwtGgSWOMuWMjWarcakPI7w4B2xjDRxS2_ssv4gdMtg6OzWKFSV0oAawvgPh/s400/Gowdy+Con.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Trey at GowdyCon critiquing Orrin Hatch's "The Chronicles of Captain Buckley", which exists in a parallel Universe, similar but separate from the Gowdyverse canon</td></tr>
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While many have attributed the recent wave of GOP retirements in congress to a historically unpopular President, accusations of gerrymandering, and competitive races, it now seems most of them are leaving their legislative posts to help write and edit a science-fiction anthology series outlined by Trey Gowdy. The Punk Diesel interplanetary adventures, social commentary, steamy marital romances, and irrefutable proof of Jesus's existence and life...on Mars. While the Martian Jesus cycle is a favorite among retiring Senators, congressional quitters prefer the connected European-Armageddon Saga, both of which descend from Trey's original four-part series "Libtard Murderbots, and the HeShes who love them". <br />
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While initially a way to pass the time during shutdown, Filibusters, lock-downs, it turned into an all consuming passion that made representing their constituencies increasingly difficult. The "Congressional Cadets", as mean spirited Democrats called them, learned to love creative writing through Gowdy's singular universe of compromised values, angry men with a will to fight, and enough guns and gadgets to fill an encyclopedia, which [Bob] Corker is currently working on, they also began to drift from the values and drives that had sustained them up to that point. No longer interested in their button down Capital Hill lifestyles, pursuits for power, glory, or even the practiced patriotism they had always thought was genuine, now, only their art matters.<br />
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Rodney Frelinghuysen, whose tongue cheek style, as well as a love for Twilightzone like twists described what the group of former GOP representatives have planned for their retirement:<br />
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"We are getting a Ranch somewhere, Colorado, maybe Nevada, somewhere we can smoke a lot of legal weed, and trip on peyote and mushrooms far from the eyes of Johnny Law. We are going to grow our own crops, get our energy from the sun, our water from the ground, living a simple yet awesome lifestyle far from our former selves as we write about the human experience through the adventures of successive generations of military, intelligence, and Space Force...were talking about changing that, agents and their families as humanity forges a place for itself among the stars. Poe & Jenkins are working on a musical companion piece that includes prolonged nude dancing, with only body paint and the shadows to hide their ever ebbing shame."<br />
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While this journalist doubts this highly nuanced and experimental anthology, already several volumes long, can find a mainstream audience, much less the "3 seasons and a movie" Lobiondo began chanting when I asked the assembled writers/lawmaker/imagineers where they saw the Gowdyverse in 5-years. Yet it is already influencing a generation of young writer, disaffected politicians and powerbrokers, and firebrand mavericks of all stripes to turn on, tune in, drop out, and look at conservative ideology through the distorted yet marvelous lens of the libertarian imagination, and whitewashed Imperialism. <br />
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-68281979245002429342018-03-14T20:47:00.000-04:002018-03-14T20:48:58.433-04:00Trump's Pi day takes a pro-Pie turn<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRB0pbZgzerhCP5woSYYTS5tb0cCackbIO3miuyUpJnW6avruSPFwL9xQRTJo54yHV97adPP0eZnbkTCT4tnKvIkcvKQWwmyXS71NWoLaqjjutfViwYhTwB94bK6d7QaEjUmvb/s1600/apple-pie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="565" data-original-width="840" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRB0pbZgzerhCP5woSYYTS5tb0cCackbIO3miuyUpJnW6avruSPFwL9xQRTJo54yHV97adPP0eZnbkTCT4tnKvIkcvKQWwmyXS71NWoLaqjjutfViwYhTwB94bK6d7QaEjUmvb/s400/apple-pie.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Are the mathematical qualities of Pi, for squares?</td></tr>
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While those truly devoted Pi Day observers will argue whether the day is 4/13 or 3/14, or how far those who truly love a good circle should go after the decimal point, and those less puritanical adherents, who tolerate such talk, in return for round flaky desserts bursting with pectin fused deliciousness, Trump has insisted on honoring the dessert, over its inspiration.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfz1AVZgaCEl7sDvlvb4uhtt5Nc11uLOXVDCDIkE6yfSvr4oulXf2Si11BB5IhARWyfutx-PoOtRY30V93f9RMYmb4W6QWreGc3oSFts83cTverjXdS_YyAG98Sai7hzQNNWqP/s1600/pie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="960" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfz1AVZgaCEl7sDvlvb4uhtt5Nc11uLOXVDCDIkE6yfSvr4oulXf2Si11BB5IhARWyfutx-PoOtRY30V93f9RMYmb4W6QWreGc3oSFts83cTverjXdS_YyAG98Sai7hzQNNWqP/s400/pie.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Upon receiving this vanity pie from "Ray NJ Pizza", Trumped retired to the Residence for 2 hours of impromptu executive time, while staffers ignored moans of...eating? Till a sweaty grinning POTUS mumbled something about liking Italian before Kelly hosed the room down and bleached it. </td></tr>
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Ignoring the symbol of Pi entirely the President had arranged a series of photo ops with contributing restaurateurs, house wives of Scandinavian descent, and the "Pie-style" guy who made it a few rounds in a food-network show. Other White House "Pie Day" events included a depressing Pie fight Trump forced Interns to participate in, a Pie eating contest, followed by chain-vomiting, an "American Pie" themed orgy, and pie @#$%ing.<br />
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Later that day Trump revealed he he had used the egg-head holiday to put together a list of STEM extremists to purge from the government who had complained about the Pie centric behavior, despite National Pie Day being on January 23rd, and the mystery of the spheres being eternally perplexing and alluring, whereas the allure of a food in a shape that is, theoretically, infinitely divisible, is obvious.<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-15463536672254749392018-03-08T10:44:00.005-05:002018-03-08T10:49:18.400-05:00Sex Toys in the classroom?<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigRJlXQRCJ8KCZD0QtWGMbzl7u0e9wgWtzSTMLMambb2Mou9CjIjMNLuJnZG-vRnUkKJCeChAXEJplVND2oxY327rdIsQj2KoSJSUvA2rT04E0PPLFVRuvg6522ZASmPbUlD83/s1600/hmm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1087" data-original-width="1600" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigRJlXQRCJ8KCZD0QtWGMbzl7u0e9wgWtzSTMLMambb2Mou9CjIjMNLuJnZG-vRnUkKJCeChAXEJplVND2oxY327rdIsQj2KoSJSUvA2rT04E0PPLFVRuvg6522ZASmPbUlD83/s400/hmm.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not for the students! Who are under 18, without a Permission letter, unless permitted by state law</td></tr>
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While allowing sex toys, both their storage and use, in the classrooms, library, principles office, inside ones own locker if space permits, A Professors office and/or panel van, the teachers lounge, or on a pile of belongings that people carelessly left in the classroom, seems antithetical to the principles of academia, we all know that just makes it hotter. While students, professors, teacher, assistants of various denominations, and of course, janitors have known, holistically, that getting off with the help of sexual aides helps them be patient, kind, occasionally out of breath, improved concentration, and improve self-esteem, but now researchers are backing them up, and so are legislators. Disgraced, but still hilarious and likable, former Senator Al Franken commented:<br />
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" Had I had the pantheon of goofy, comical, over the top, and surprising anatomically correct, while still plummeting into the uncanny valley in a rainbow of ways, sex toys to play out my humorous machinations with, using a human model would have been the furthest thing from my mind. While the flight of ideas that typify a comical genius like me, should never be stifled by petty morality, but I understand that, in the current political climate, where the victims are now being heard, it isn't time for standing up for honking a women's imaginary breasts over her flack jacket, while getting revved up to entertain the troops, even if it deprives the good people of Minnesota of proper representation, and all my hilarious boners, figurative and otherwise"<br />
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Followed quickly by an attempted cock punch this journalist deftly parried, but not without having to endure the collateral titty twist, as so many journalists have in return for interviewing the beloved thespian, former senator, and infamous national treasure.<br />
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MIT, Harvard, and Rape U have come out with volumes of data, for the first time written with both hands due to technology, instead of the oral and digital skills of pliant and/or star struck interns, that supports the regular us of sex toys to improve physical and psychological health, and their normalization in society. Researchers, who clearly practice what they preach, as evidenced by the sounds emanating from the researchers torso of vibrations, various electronic alerts, scrotal movement, and the otherwise explainable glassy stares and heavy breathing of researchers distractedly taking questions, promised that the muting of ones acute biological imperative through regular release, would make up for soporific behavior, and a general lack of initiative. While a clear, breathy argument can be made on both sides, this reporter can't help wonder, won't somebody think of the children?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGBGnWmAJK1CQCPof_aXugfBtuGcDWCbImYUlg52kz_iRbQYTsJLJEn6my7mFUADqhHoZxk8b6vYucPNmSy7wYSnb0dIp1SWNOrhfv-DYycKhaN1MMUQeYPHaQrv2XuRUp206-/s1600/natural+history.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="418" data-original-width="426" height="391" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGBGnWmAJK1CQCPof_aXugfBtuGcDWCbImYUlg52kz_iRbQYTsJLJEn6my7mFUADqhHoZxk8b6vYucPNmSy7wYSnb0dIp1SWNOrhfv-DYycKhaN1MMUQeYPHaQrv2XuRUp206-/s400/natural+history.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This sexual sculpture had been hanging in Mrs. Delaney's of Duluth, MN, classroom, before the schoolmarms and city-father forced her to take it down</td></tr>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-23240450103758291092018-03-05T20:57:00.001-05:002018-03-05T21:29:02.907-05:00Michael Shannon wants you to know, he ain't so bad<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzRxHUe9XzBdYd_xNGVSCVJm358AF3RB1OozWvziN2yomIZ0QincAhkmMUHlNhcub4ZhLpKuF3UoHk4HPGhw2E4gJp4NyQzPgmVfNmajgZzzCs0_KtMg8Nw1HbQK3ACR0acWSq/s1600/nice+guy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzRxHUe9XzBdYd_xNGVSCVJm358AF3RB1OozWvziN2yomIZ0QincAhkmMUHlNhcub4ZhLpKuF3UoHk4HPGhw2E4gJp4NyQzPgmVfNmajgZzzCs0_KtMg8Nw1HbQK3ACR0acWSq/s400/nice+guy.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I will never hurt you...without a safe word"</td></tr>
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"I am doing the best I can with the face G-d gave me, and the authority I have carefully cultivated in my voice, and I am nothing like my grandfather" Said the Antagonist of 2017 Best Picture <i>The Shape of Water</i>. " I am neither an entomologist, crypto-bigot, or have ever faked my own death to forward a genocidal plot instigated by the Knights of the Golden Circle" Stated for no apparent reason while Guillermo Del Toro whooped and hollered, as Octavia Spencer took a shit on the floor.<br />
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While the exact motivation Mr. Shannon had for bringing up his storied Grandfather are a mist of ether, cocaine, and mysterious <i>Toro powder,</i> one thing is for sure, that man doesn't represent him. Raymond Corbett Shannon who was a medical entomologist specializing in Diptera, who might have, or have not, faked his own death to take part in a Dixiecrat conspiracy, the world rarely knows, but it isn't Michael!<br />
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What is known, is that Michael Shannon is strong, impervious to conventional weapons, and wants to live a life beyond the shadow of secretive southern aristocrats and intellectuals bent on racial dominance. He just likes channeling himself into his art, and only maintains a collection of his grand fathers things as a personal museum and sensorium, and a sentient crocodile he periodically wrestles with to establish mating dominance, for artistic purposes.<br />
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One thing is for sure, while everyone called 5-year old him a liar when he said his dead grandfather immolated himself to stop the spread of a terrible infection, after telling him how much he loved him and his father, but hated his bitch mother, which also happened to be the first and only time he met his Grandfather, was a formative experience. <div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-66165997161568490412018-02-13T10:42:00.001-05:002018-02-13T10:44:24.017-05:005 Ways to resolve the NFL protests<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUsJZw5vygsxXBxsfI5FwZgmCNEV_64OiiHC-N7Afv1qdZKSHK7AKTHzNbjRwaSmwd_GAODSYJYTw5plcBXb9xxT0h3qTP3aViOMbm4NByQjpI2JM-3X5XJgTwwZvqdM_PYnyZ/s1600/raising+a+leg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1560" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUsJZw5vygsxXBxsfI5FwZgmCNEV_64OiiHC-N7Afv1qdZKSHK7AKTHzNbjRwaSmwd_GAODSYJYTw5plcBXb9xxT0h3qTP3aViOMbm4NByQjpI2JM-3X5XJgTwwZvqdM_PYnyZ/s400/raising+a+leg.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The fans weren't sure if they were protesting, or saluting, and they didn't much care</td></tr>
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1) <b>A choreographed dance number to a different piece of Patriotic music</b> - Americans can't stand quiet kneeling, who can, its preachy, passive, and most importantly, boring. No one watches sports to see people take a knee, if it was any other portion of the game, a goofy mascot would provide a sideshow for the less politically inclined shirtless painted guy who is already three beers and two hot dogs into a "life affirming" ritual. Instead of being comforting, patriotic, set to British drinking song to mock their thin skinned effete sensibilities and love of ceremony, there is an eerie reminder that the fight for liberty and equality is an eternal struggle against our worst selves. Instead I offer options for delightful patriotic displays to contrast with National Anthem that don't clash with its themes of casual violence and tumescent spectacle. From "The Stars and Stripes Forever" blaring from Bison with sound systems strapped to their backs, which will spook the animals into galloping across the fields, or perhaps drowning out the national anthem with the protesting players singing "Yankee Doodle", while setting off fire works. Quiet dignity is great for quiet times, behind closed doors, close family and friends, and that crazy asshole from the bar that talks like Trump, but not at the most spectacular thing most of us can ever be a part of, as close to Mad Max as most of us are willing to get. So go big, or stand up and pretend to mumble the words!<br />
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2) <b>Have a player beat a dirty cop to death before the coin toss</b> - Football, as it is played by the NFL, is soft-core bloodsports, its controlled violence that we all watch (and will pay a premium for a live viewing of) hoping things will get out of control, and if nobody does get hurt, or hurt enough, on the field, we can expect riots. Violence wise, football is the closest most of us can get to rubbing our violence nub without fines or jailtime. So lets kill two birds with one stone, and get the fans' juices' percolating, prevents rioting due to collective blue-balls, and get some of that sweet social justice everyone keeps talking about. A championed player chosen by consensus, in full team regalia, to beat a dirty cop, not unconscious, not to the edge, or to actual, death, but until his teammates have to pull him off of the mutilated pile of ground beef that used to be Officer So & So, of whoever's finest, before they broke the laws they were supposed to uphold, Oh, I am getting brain gasims just outlining it. We would have the dirty cop chosen by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhvjIx5-cg0">one egg being placed in the jar for every cop who is doing time for using their position to commit a crime, with one egg being black, and each dirty cop would pick an egg while blindfolded, until the black egg is chosen</a>, who will be given a rats-ass of a chance in a fight against an athletic behemoth in padding. Honestly, I thinks this little addition could become more popular than the original game.<br />
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3) <b>Wear Trump masks with cock and balls drawn onto both sides of the face, while standing for the national anthem</b> - Let it be know, that your fight isn't with this nation and its people, but instead by an "Eat @#$% and Die" mentality of a certain segment of this country, towards other segments of this nation, that have been championed in a flamboyant way that hasn't been seen in at least half a century, by Trump, so let us focus. First of all, to the players, this in no way implies that you enjoy anonymously sucking cock, but instead that it is the President who enjoys that specific past-time, and if your pride still will not let you don this mask, for equality, then you were never that committed to begin with. To the fans, they're standing now! Are you happy? If not, you are being entirely unreasonable, the players are standing shoulder to shoulder with America, while quietly, hilariously, and spectacularly spoofing a symbol of what is cancerous in the American spirit. Lastly, to the owners, before you say it is never going happen, let me say, Merchandise, and when you try to counter, I will just keep shouting "Merchandise!", for Merica! While the original masks will be hand made, and purchased by the players, the owners could put out versions with the teams color, with classic cock and balls illustrations, the R. Crumb is a favorite, while the Warhol is more gouche than the Gouche. Of course the cry of partisan Trump fans, to be "fair", will have to be met with a cock-and-balls Obama mask, and, I think, seeing Obama and Trump, drunkenly making out, with cock and balls pixelated out, on the kiss-cam, is the healing this nation needs. <br />
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4) <b>Releasing bees during the national Anthem</b> - Alright, you are a patriotic, but how patriotic? If your patriotism is so great, that players can't protest an important issue effecting their community during one of their few chances to publicly make a stand, you should be able to do it, covered in bees. It's time to put up, or shut up, is the singing of the national anthem a litmus test of ones patriotism or not? Because a lot of Americans have put up with a lot more than bees (and the smoke required to clear out the bees after the national anthem), so we can have the freedoms we enjoy today, and many of them were protesters. So, if this tabernacle of the tackle is too holy for a political protest, show it with bees, and the NFL will be marketing team themed bee kits for the patriotic home viewer. <br />
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5) <b>More Cheerleaders - </b>Nuff said<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-89405127850602121742018-01-31T12:20:00.000-05:002018-01-31T12:21:00.004-05:00NASA tells you how to safely view tonight's "Ragnarok Moon" <b>What is a Ragnarok Moon?</b><br />
With interest high, and chances of a singularity slim, NASA is doing everything it can to help the populace view a rare and terrifying "Ragnarok Moon". Called a Ragnarok moon, as it could theoretically herald the Fimbulwinter, a multiyear winter of complete darkness, endless battles, that will be a prelude to the climactic fight between the elemental powers of the universe, which will end in utter destruction, but NASA says, due to the alignment of the planets, constellations, and the sparsity of Loki sighting, it is highly unlikely.<br />
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<b>Is a Ragnarok Moon safe to view?</b><br />
That said, NASA wants to make sure everyone understands that, like with viewing a Solar eclipse, to view it safely, requires several precautions. As the Ragnarok Moon represents an alignment of the planes encompassed by the world tree Yggdrasil, one can expect high tides due to increased activity of the Midgard serpent, so expect coastal flooding, as well as the death of cowards, and circumpolar wolf activity, as the children of Loki yearn for his return. While those born without souls, or who have so tarnished their souls with this world that they could never enter Valhalla, can view the moon without succumbing to its effects, all other humans should only view it as reflected by a mirror<br />
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<b>What are the symptoms of having viewed the Ragnarok Moon?</b><br />
NASA adds that one should never look directly at the Ragnarok Moon and madness and compulsively gathering the fingernails of the dead, are the least of your worries. Children who view the moon, will be marked for capture by their cultures/ Religions version of a Bag-man, and attempts to save the child will only add to the collateral, before the disobedient child is inevitably taken, if the parents are atheists, CPS will do the job, NASA has assured the public. Adults who directly view the moon, and don't immediately go insane, will be seemingly unchanged, until people from their community start to go missing, and after many false accusations, and executions, the home of a once respected and loved individual, will be revealed as a house of horrors. Lastly, it was believed that the elderly who viewed the Ragnarok moon would commit spontaneous Attestupa, but NASA believes that was a myth perpetrated by Nordic nations to commit senicide to help grease their social welfare system. The non-Scandinavian scientific community is split on whether the elderly can view the moon directly without issue, or if they are more likely to turn to cannibalism if they do. <br />
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<b>How to prepare for viewing the Ragnarok moon</b><br />
First of all, all mirrors must use silver as the reflective surface, other materials, polymers and gold will still reflect the mind bending rays of the moon into your soul and mind, but in a strange and distorted way, which NASA asserts might be even worse than viewing it directly. On the other hand, using a silver backed reflective telescope, the viewer might see something like this:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwfYW3IAQtSQYC4H9CoHUan_56OZM9Yv8nNz17lkEuLwrl8yoKY9cMbhE9Rn4Tdz9fmWpgEyatkQ0BpGAa4prfTT0ufMzs0t6SiaNdhKUfvuksqz8YmbDhszX-1UpFQr-K9MPH/s1600/ragnarok.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="570" data-original-width="974" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwfYW3IAQtSQYC4H9CoHUan_56OZM9Yv8nNz17lkEuLwrl8yoKY9cMbhE9Rn4Tdz9fmWpgEyatkQ0BpGAa4prfTT0ufMzs0t6SiaNdhKUfvuksqz8YmbDhszX-1UpFQr-K9MPH/s400/ragnarok.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This sketch by Johann Galle, depicts what he saw while viewing the Ragnarok Moon in the winter of 1860 at the Breslau Observatory </td></tr>
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It is also suggested that one brings burlap sacks to cover the faces of children, as it is better to have a sack on your head for a couple hours, then spend a perceived eternity in one, till being sold to a terrifying master, because you couldn't keep your eyes shut. NASA added, that if it thought people would listen they would suggest everyone spend the night watching netflix in the basement with loved ones till the danger has passed, but who would listen?<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-66585260649098012922018-01-27T22:40:00.000-05:002018-01-27T23:12:17.319-05:00G-d sad that faithful reject evolution<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaXHqWpOIaV-KW9IzsbIXrhuj8XHQeCgRxneOyUuoOBheGuA9Dd3jTXKr6LDmZ88NA9-BW-NHmZtzsVd4SR5gpENnmNhbA5VvIts1QfvCPhhhBtxuT2iFLffF_1b3PNK-5RJgm/s1600/God.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="683" data-original-width="1024" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaXHqWpOIaV-KW9IzsbIXrhuj8XHQeCgRxneOyUuoOBheGuA9Dd3jTXKr6LDmZ88NA9-BW-NHmZtzsVd4SR5gpENnmNhbA5VvIts1QfvCPhhhBtxuT2iFLffF_1b3PNK-5RJgm/s400/God.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">G-d, currently incarnated as a feral S.E. Asian dog, thought evolution was pretty cool </td></tr>
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The creator of all, who is eternal, thought a system by which small inherited variances, over time, give an organism an enhanced ability to compete, survive, and reproduce, and has the ability to dramatically alter their appearance and nature, much like the dog, which is his name spelled backwards, was a "pretty @#$%en cool idea". While the traditional 7-day cold start was a great way to get a bunch of shithole mud dwellers to shape up and get their act together, he couldn't wait for his creations to find out the wondrous, yet work-a-day genesis of life, that is evolution, G-d added:<br />
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Frankly, I could purge the holy@#$% out of this rock: asteroid, space plague, your own hubris, whatever, boom. As long as I got snakes, turtles, rats and roaches, I can have biodiversity wherever I want it within 25 million years, because of an incredibly smart system of self selection that I installed like gravity.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWGC_HxmzILmaVIi3RoK1rhA3wV9v6PeTETlkk70Q3ZKr4o3It0KGQnB6AfOmBvTssJ_Nj1aVxS7FfOSm50Vn2rgbKIxno2FiY8DqiokNNe_PbaZoNfQ1_5qaDH1KY3KTwJvCZ/s1600/spooky+skeleton.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="330" data-original-width="400" height="330" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWGC_HxmzILmaVIi3RoK1rhA3wV9v6PeTETlkk70Q3ZKr4o3It0KGQnB6AfOmBvTssJ_Nj1aVxS7FfOSm50Vn2rgbKIxno2FiY8DqiokNNe_PbaZoNfQ1_5qaDH1KY3KTwJvCZ/s400/spooky+skeleton.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">G-d would also like to remind us there is a spooky skeleton inside all of us, except invertebrates,sharks, and any number of unspeakable horrors</td></tr>
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A clearly irate, impassioned, and all powerful G-d continued:<br />
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I have explored vertebra world, and rarely found it wanting as I shepherded it through its myriad morphological forms. That said, and this coming from the most advanced and only truly eternal being, bug world is, and will always be, an option. Invertebrates are still the vast majority of the planets animate biomass, and have biologically, attained levels of complexity that vertebrates, socially, have attained only recently, evolutionarily speaking, which I thought would be the jive talk of the initiated, the B in plan B, stands for "bug"<br />
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The deity alcoholics the world round have come to know, concluded with:<br />
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I am thinking of a Myriapoda species, innately feudal, coarse, and fixated on feeding, reproducing, and attaining "Purity". They will never attain FTL capabilities, but will spread through grotesque generation ships, and if the species they come in contact are weak or primitive, they will consume and reproduce unchecked, turning feral in the absence of opposition. On the other hand, if they meet a superior species, they will go invasive, attaining civilization and culture as a means of destroying their enemies, only to send their elite out in generation ships to colonize new worlds, leaving the plebes to cannibalize each other. Is that what you want?<br />
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While it seems the creation of such a species is just the musings of a supreme being feeling vengeful over his adherents rejecting his super cool reality, for the training wheels version of the universe, he is still the being holding all the cards, so, respect. <div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-2117982514079234362018-01-22T14:44:00.000-05:002018-01-22T14:44:02.424-05:00Jason Momoa attacks on the rise!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMLhIXcF8y3YUIQoaZQY0f3Yb2xUsgnLgYUygwxJAQ9JJDDnr_DJhHQlrR5-GdBhyphenhyphenaWcmf80EmDupAPgdtDuBGx2NYig_s7t-0aWGE52OoGO7dhBXDUuDczdT_ij1ofDdNB6lA/s1600/jasonmoma.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="380" data-original-width="605" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMLhIXcF8y3YUIQoaZQY0f3Yb2xUsgnLgYUygwxJAQ9JJDDnr_DJhHQlrR5-GdBhyphenhyphenaWcmf80EmDupAPgdtDuBGx2NYig_s7t-0aWGE52OoGO7dhBXDUuDczdT_ij1ofDdNB6lA/s400/jasonmoma.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">9 out of 10 Jason Momoa victims never saw him coming</td></tr>
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While the vast majority of Momoa attacks are on unsuspecting campers, tourists, and sex workers, as well as people Momoa mistakes for "The One". The other side of the coin are the deep psycho-sexual stalking murders he commits, based on random encounters that he hyper-focuses on. While this savage and barbarous monster of a human has become famous and beloved playing barbarous ultra humans, he has also helped keep the deer population in check in any area he is filming in, says Momoa Tracking and Research Association. MTRA Researcher Dr. Todd Crunkle stated "While stalking someone he is either romantically interested in, suspects is a long lost family member, or a mentor who has killed his true and/or most recent love of his life. He will in the process, feed on hundreds of pounds mammals, fish, fowl, and grubs, every day" Before clarifying that what he does is not stalking, but instead science, because he is writing it down and submitting it to peer review.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb55UKOpY1Y-GweUQxsttMh6O_iC2Sjr-jxvCk3U_81uFOxKitFaIXePMkNU5oEJu3PaGDQn_MMllizXKHEaTfDcVxh0fMGNpyS5UeUPPaYUivb-EsxPoUlyG20Z_cTlu44CwO/s1600/momoa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb55UKOpY1Y-GweUQxsttMh6O_iC2Sjr-jxvCk3U_81uFOxKitFaIXePMkNU5oEJu3PaGDQn_MMllizXKHEaTfDcVxh0fMGNpyS5UeUPPaYUivb-EsxPoUlyG20Z_cTlu44CwO/s400/momoa.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Most studios cannot afford the insurance required to work with Momoa, those that do are required to recapture him using drones and convict trackers</td></tr>
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What these Momoaphiles fail to recognize, is that the actor, when he fails to conclude his business quickly, and consume enough protein through predation on native wildlife to quiet the forests, he often wanders into inhabited areas, or stumbles upon campers and hunters, occasionally befriend them, but more often he is mistaken for a bear attack. This misconception has been reinforced by the fact that Momoa, after sustaining heavy damage from his enemies, wounds that would kill a lesser man, he is nursed back to health by a roving pack of wolves, who he will stay with till he can return the favor, or a grizzly mamma he had saved many moons before.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvEnGcRaXCewvOndFDroYh012biPqO2dk8ZSpwBOJSEqRDRJrhM_LBWL2ETQfgBGtY0zlmYMzB-Wyd9zOkh43Oa20m0StBbrfFar8XutvrGG0LTc5W8YN65SPRj6zwmTEvn4cn/s1600/tourist.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvEnGcRaXCewvOndFDroYh012biPqO2dk8ZSpwBOJSEqRDRJrhM_LBWL2ETQfgBGtY0zlmYMzB-Wyd9zOkh43Oa20m0StBbrfFar8XutvrGG0LTc5W8YN65SPRj6zwmTEvn4cn/s400/tourist.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh, dear G-d! Oh, @#$%! A tourist wandered onto the set! Get the tranquilizers! GET THE TRANQUILIZERS![Screaming, brutal snarling, rending, and then eerie silence]"</td></tr>
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While the Momoasphere is still out on if these are truly unprovoked attacks brought on by rage and hunger, or if he has unknown preternatural senses, which allows him the ability to react to threats biological "Minority Report"style, making him a mystical vigilante. Either assumption, in this reporters opinion, is Momoaphobic, Jason has proven his ability to show great empathy and honor, like when he honored his Khaleesi's from the front at her request, instead of raping the hell out of her for her impudence, one of the many on screen twists R.R. Martin insisted on, but which Momoa refused to abide. It should also be noted that Jason Momoa makes a personal appearance in many of my dreams, sometimes as a guide, sometimes a friends, but always caked in blood. Lastly, if you were Jason Momoa, you would probably murder a lot of people in a mindless rage too.<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-48529063690170713402018-01-18T00:45:00.000-05:002018-01-18T01:00:09.943-05:00"Carry on my Wayward Son" Useless says CIA InterrogatorsWhether it is Negan breaking Daryl, and Eugene is tapping his toes to later with <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoQ4GidQP-k">Easy Street</a> by the Collapsible Hearts Club, or <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vrmc_l6sJY">Dominique</a> driving the sane mad, and calming the insane in American Horror Story: Asylum, music which so often provides solace and strength becomes a grating hell, which destroys soul and self. Of course there are the CIA's documented use of songs from Sesame Street and Barney and Friends, Down to my own personal "pet" project set to The Muppet's "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9_zKm2Ewaw">Life's a Happy Song</a>", played loud enough to blot out the screams, I don't want to spoil the surprise, but let's just say it's going to be something.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDw6Kq0fhskjK6-EIlejSyLOytjBH2xrP1c9woA4FbVIsKcmMXY09i5qlsRtVc2ImStdQUeGzYpNSv3oyc-IByL9n4BRtKi6hxz_uiFIWvLBBhkBVub4zHlVujnoeOX11nvrjF/s1600/Reservoir-Dogs.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="630" data-original-width="1200" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDw6Kq0fhskjK6-EIlejSyLOytjBH2xrP1c9woA4FbVIsKcmMXY09i5qlsRtVc2ImStdQUeGzYpNSv3oyc-IByL9n4BRtKi6hxz_uiFIWvLBBhkBVub4zHlVujnoeOX11nvrjF/s400/Reservoir-Dogs.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DohRa9lsx0Q">Stuck in the Middle With You</a>" Is more of a torture song than an interrogation one</td></tr>
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Yet, Deputy Director of the National Clandestine Services Greg Vogel, probably an alias for a much cooler name like Max Rostrum or Hugh Debonair, has reported that, despite exhaustive clandestine studies, and practical experience, it has been proven the Kansas's Opus and Guitar Hero favorite "Carry Onward my Wayward Son" can not break the human spirit under any circumstances. In fact, the song can only strengthen ones will to resist, and prisoners have been witnessed air-guitaring with their hands under restraints, while being electrocuted and/or waterboarded, along with the song.<br />
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Deputy Director Vogel went onto explain that " Whether it is the uplifting instrumentals, the story of a misunderstood character on a divine, heaven bound quest resonating with prisoners, or their joyous synergy, the song just inspires endlessly, regardless of the method of transmission, or number of repetitions", while also clarifying that I can't just refer to him as Klaus Von Titan.<br />
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Klaus continued by saying " We had previously thought the Foreigners "Juke Box Hero" and The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes" had similar properties, until we pumped subjects full of 400 ug's of LSD, and sent them through a maze of mirrors lit with disco lights, and a tandem fog/bubble generator running full blast, especially if we have childhood home videos to project through the mist." Noting that experiments, and free-form interrogations carried out by psychopathic agents, soldiers, mercenaries, and thugs on the run, who managed to get a few minutes alone with a subject, are ongoing.<br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-31093985093619429802018-01-10T14:46:00.000-05:002018-01-10T14:46:32.994-05:005 Unpopular opinions for the Trump era<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfxpwdV4RBXB8wi_5zeBTJe18lVkYu5eH1UWQgeTi9Z2PJc3x8uUCjGPxKjvjldTSVQy0WytXk2SglDV6F-fc6CgJfA57ycns60XZmyl4YzJbiO8gaHax-xQTEmZ20RvEQtJpj/s1600/mom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="477" data-original-width="256" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfxpwdV4RBXB8wi_5zeBTJe18lVkYu5eH1UWQgeTi9Z2PJc3x8uUCjGPxKjvjldTSVQy0WytXk2SglDV6F-fc6CgJfA57ycns60XZmyl4YzJbiO8gaHax-xQTEmZ20RvEQtJpj/s400/mom.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Welcome to future savages!</td></tr>
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1) <b>Too Many Babies</b>- These days, everyone's got one, older and younger parents then ever before, but each and everyone of those monkey larvae is pissing and shitting their pants, puking everywhere, and screaming when they shouldn't, and there is no reason they shouldn't spend this awkward period in an alpine facilities far away from normal humans. Ever since people have tried subjecting themselves and others to to the socialist experiment, and socialist child-rearing has been attempted, and monumentally successful, at raising resentful children who will swear never to subject their children to the same, but now we got robots. Our automated facilities will provide universal care in the darkest, most sterile, care facility of its kind not meant to store and slaughter livestock, though we are not saying that Temple Grandin wasn't involved. From birth till their 18 month birthday they will be brought up in a grossly utilitarian fashion that will be mandatory, to avoid "privilege".<br />
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2) <b>Why are there so many congressmen?</b> - I am not saying we kill them all, unless their is support for that (PM me), or even do away with representative democracy, entirely, but think how much we could save if we culled it down to a bakers dozen of Senators, and one Congressmen, whoever survives the battle royal, but we still elect 400+ representatives every 2-years, to make the corn grow, and each Senator, or his supporters, must directly finance one elite legion of super patriots for our ever expanding "frontier", and two bottles of Jamaican rum for every citizen.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_ZgGlFFd3DhFr7ySKG3u-8Z7ekRDZBeg5AoQCas-KtOSqFnB-dtM2NNbP2fDxnShm-mhtV0v0ia0a44lZ_oGQihsqj6p180iebTCoMDO3iemCPTde6S5xYtJ0_c1DWKGGTVf3/s1600/Pegasus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="700" data-original-width="1117" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_ZgGlFFd3DhFr7ySKG3u-8Z7ekRDZBeg5AoQCas-KtOSqFnB-dtM2NNbP2fDxnShm-mhtV0v0ia0a44lZ_oGQihsqj6p180iebTCoMDO3iemCPTde6S5xYtJ0_c1DWKGGTVf3/s400/Pegasus.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's all glue to me</td></tr>
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3) <b>Horse glue is the best </b>- Horses are strong beautiful creatures, with obvious intelligence and expressive eyes, and when I join two pieces of paper, I like to A) Be entirely nude, with an audience, and B) Know that a highly evolved, social animal, was pulverized to make it, as I clumsily spill it all over myself, I do get so sticky. All deviance aside, it is just better.<br />
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4) <b>Proportional responses are for the weak </b>- There, I said it, and anyone and everyone who disagrees is also weak, and their opinions rendered worthless because of that weakness. Be forewarned, if you try to use logic I will headbutt you, you bring a knife to a fight, I bar the exits and set the building on fire, you make a joke about my mom, I cut out your tongue, fill your mouth with my @#$% and staple it closed, get the idea?! I don't do this because I want to, but if I don't it will be done to me, we are in a survival universe, and whether it is cruel or comforting depends what end of the fork you are on, an endless game of dominance I will not lose. So next time you tell me to calm down, instead of expecting a response, calmly back out of the room while maintaining eye contact, because, otherwise, the scenario ends in a hospital, a prison, or both.<br />
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5)<b> I'm not angry, you're angry </b><div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-82069399775252840802018-01-01T08:14:00.000-05:002018-01-01T10:09:15.989-05:00Top 5, 3 most underappreciated, and 2 dangling Whiskey Republic Posts of 2017<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7Z2YJFhseaPbNaW1dNjVSqOi2USbl9RkQV4tDJ-i5Xvde6_hNp0CI7N2lhyH2yskFI0bj6OpE3HrI0blCXAIQKsE6WBBxZamiZ0Y_C00cPewOF5WMgJwGdrm_uajRg06yWtYG/s1600/2017.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7Z2YJFhseaPbNaW1dNjVSqOi2USbl9RkQV4tDJ-i5Xvde6_hNp0CI7N2lhyH2yskFI0bj6OpE3HrI0blCXAIQKsE6WBBxZamiZ0Y_C00cPewOF5WMgJwGdrm_uajRg06yWtYG/s400/2017.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHcunREYzNY">Please click here for approved listening for this post</a>)</td></tr>
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Top 5 posts of 2017 (By page views)<br />
1) <a href="https://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2017/11/happy-albanian-independence-day.html">Happy Albanian Independence day! </a>- Hey, how do you invite someone into the family, who is also a proud Albanian, write an article based on a quick reading of Wikipedia on the subject Albania, for Albanian Independence day.<br />
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2) <a href="http://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2017/11/fozzie-bear-allegedly-sexually.html">Fozzie Bear "allegedly" sexually assaulted over 30</a> - It wouldn't be 2017 without a #metoo story, and Gonzo's basement is far too depressing for this publication, so of course everyone's favorite Patsy took the hit for the team (They all have skeletons in their closets... which become animated, joke, and sing when the door is opened).<br />
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3) <a href="https://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2017/02/donald-trump-isnt-hitler-he-is-king.html">Trump isn't Hitler he is King George the III</a> - In the wake of Trumps surprise victory using a core of a hillbilly supporters and a new form of media, and he has been pretty despised from the get go, so everyone threw out all the other crayon colors of despotism and tyranny and went straight to "Super Dark Goth German Hitler Blackish Grey like Hell", and didn't even care to color within the lines. While Trump is super despicable, both as a human, and as first citizen, he is a ignorant, spineless weakling who is all bluster and petty nationalism, and not to ride the fuehrers cock but the man was a veteran who was jailed for his political beliefs, with a well thought out (though evil) program for Germany, and whose nationalism was anything but petty (I repeat, anything). Trump is like the original American boogeyman, King George the III, in almost every way. He is so wealthy that he can not relate to the problems of everyday Americans, but not so rich as to be able to act independently and/or in a visionary way. He promotes a nationalism gerrymandered for his base, that will inevitably lead to conflict with everyone else. He has a habit of speaking and acting in a deranged manner and only seems good at procreating and stamping his name on things (Same thing, amiright?).<br />
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4) <a href="http://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2017/10/rabbi-x-rides-again.html">Rabbi X Ride's again!</a> - It was fun to catch up with an old character back from the days when The Senator and The Cardinal shared an apartment in Washington Heights.<br />
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5) <a href="http://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2017/11/trump-secretly-consumes-pardoned-turkeys.html">Trump Secretly Consumes Pardoned Turkeys</a> - Hey, what won't that man do!? In season 1 of "The Adventures of President Drunk-Uncle" Trump has insulted everyone and anything that doesn't agree with him, and regularly blundered into unpresidential territory, and, oh no, he has discovered a new presidential fetish.<br />
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3 Most Underappreciated - There are no bad Whiskey Republic posts, some are not meant for all viewers, others are acts of personal catharsis, while others are amazing, funny, and all they lacked was an audience willing to give them a honest chance. Here are the 3 wallflowers at the prom I stand by, and not in a creepy Roy Moore way. Also, looking at them now, long headlines might have been an issue.<br />
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1) <a href="http://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2017/03/putin-hopes-to-influence-usa-through.html">Putin hopes to influence the USA through the use of "American Spring Break"</a> - I do have to admit, reading the picture quotes in a comically Russian Putin voice is part of what endeared this to me, but Russia trying to quietly subvert our democracy using banal American institutions is still a timely and important issue.<br />
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2) <a href="http://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2017/04/nation-rallies-behind-spider-moms-many.html">Nation Rallies behind "Spider Moms", many picked off and cocooned in their silk</a>- Hey, ever hear of "Baltimommies"? No? Than you are lucky, mom fads are just the worst because the whole family suffers, and NO! I'm not bitter.<br />
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3) <a href="http://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2017/02/in-rare-candid-moment-bill-clinton.html">In a rare, candid moment, Bill Clinton admits Donald Trump is his fault</a> - Basically Bill being Bill explaining that his characteristically flaunting the moral conventions of the presidency paved the way for President Trump, while receiving fellatio from a Chinese agent.<br />
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2 Danglers - Some of last years favorites just wouldn't give up the ghost in 2017, here are the two posts from last year which more than doubled their viewership in 2017.<br />
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1) <a href="http://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-true-meaning-of-hanukkah.html">The true meaning of Hanukkah</a> - The true meaning Hanukkah is religious purity and warfare. Period.<br />
2) <a href="http://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2016/05/hillary-clinton-suffering-from-chronic.html">Hillary Clinton suffering from chronic implosive diarrhea</a> - Something about describing Hillary Clinton completely saturated with her own shit really connected with readers.<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-31984089212187428172017-12-28T17:41:00.000-05:002017-12-28T17:56:51.133-05:00The time Fred Rogers told "Everyone, and everybody, go @#$% yourself", before congressOn May 1st 1969, a then young, and sexy, Fred Rogers described hist patented approach to televised children's' education, earning PBS a cool 13 million. You know this because the video has been posted ad naseum, on every form of media, from youtube, to underground vinyl and magnetic tape available through "The Pipe-Lien" a popular music and loansharking service, and because of its deep resonance, and simple beauty, and you may also have heard about it because of our current President threatening PBS funding.<br />
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Now, Fred Rogers is a kind gentle man who encourages children to use their imagination and kindness to overcome life's tough problems, but for a brief periods from 1981 till 1985, he also liked cocaine and whiskey. Unfortunately, cocaine, whiskey and children's television mix real nice, and Fred Rogers got a lot of ideas, and decided to share them with congress. After a shirtless tussle with Pat Buchanan on NBC Radio and personally threatening Strom Thurmond, DC police were alerted, and the wily TV personality decided to barricade himself in congress until his confusing and rambling demands were met.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJjkq4l5bb-32k0v-dcHziGCLvw6ZchlY7X39atxdQ4fCcGFZuvww0P0sWjNGVxL4HoWSbFz-l9eb-Dl6Vg2cKWTAjkQVVV9IH_ZqStpQiEfie6X9uPSZ57xTb6Ry0NvCh58SV/s1600/masterbate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="768" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJjkq4l5bb-32k0v-dcHziGCLvw6ZchlY7X39atxdQ4fCcGFZuvww0P0sWjNGVxL4HoWSbFz-l9eb-Dl6Vg2cKWTAjkQVVV9IH_ZqStpQiEfie6X9uPSZ57xTb6Ry0NvCh58SV/s400/masterbate.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What did Fred Rogers like more than whiskey, cocaine, masturbating, and puppets? All four at once, which is how he described congress </td></tr>
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In soiled undergarments carrying a handle of Jim Beam and a Colt .45 revolver, the disheveled icon made his case before a terrified congress, in the dark, as hostage negotiators had cut the power after he had paraded a nude and shaven Tip O'niell before the C-Span Camera's. From the disarmament of all Caucasian males of all nationalities, to a busing arrangement to fix the middle east, having the UN replaced with representative puppets, working to uplift apes into sentience, to 30 million dollars and a helicopter. Though as he came down from the cocaine, whiskey, and adrenaline, he became less concerned with fulfilling his jeremiad, as helping the various politicians and staffers deal with their emotions in a tense and upsetting situation.<br />
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Three days later, by mutual consent of congress and Mr. Rogers, because they all learned something important about themselves, community, and friendship, that they would practice forgiveness and put it all behind them. Despite the incidents violent and addled origins it would be a shame to sully the reputation of Mr. Rogers, and many had shared details they wished Mr. Rogers would forget, so in return for his silence he was allowed to go back to PBS, and the entire incident was erased from the public record by an act of congress, shadow congress, and the Genie that anoints the President to consummate their inauguration. <br />
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While no "official" record of this incident has survived, various monastic orders are racing to compile and write down the oral record of the songs, dances, and puppet shows that have kept alive the memory of Mr. Rogers 1984 takeover of congress. Additionally, in his underground memoirs, printed in New York basements on antiquated machines, says that much of his 9/11 material Mr. Rogers used was actually formulated while working with congress to address what was really bothering them, not during the events of 9/11 itself, though it is unknown if these are the actual words of Mr. Rogers, or those of the elderly Junkie who runs the presses.<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-45363356332689309492017-12-28T06:38:00.001-05:002017-12-28T06:39:42.592-05:00Crappy Santa made a comeback in 2017<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOwWI7SBza2gPF_JAIw_2vrz1q7rVqX6xzjfCK6j3xhNI8yMBgQte2a2vUz-igaKjRrpGqGsov6qd3AUDTldx5SOr4P7bEaUknozC3nBKCswtzRZxrYcyLMXZXcs9LPuJ0-i8h/s1600/crappysanta.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="857" data-original-width="620" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOwWI7SBza2gPF_JAIw_2vrz1q7rVqX6xzjfCK6j3xhNI8yMBgQte2a2vUz-igaKjRrpGqGsov6qd3AUDTldx5SOr4P7bEaUknozC3nBKCswtzRZxrYcyLMXZXcs9LPuJ0-i8h/s400/crappysanta.jpg" width="288" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here a Danish "Crappy Santa", circa 1864, Copenhagen, can be seen handing out 2nd hand , and age inappropriate, toys while smoking a "medley of herbs from the new world and orient"</td></tr>
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Out of nowhere the "Crappy Santa" has been revived, like a Bum Santa in the morgue after a cold snap and a binge, the angst, turmoil, and frustration of 2017 has made the world more accepting and in need, of Crappy Santa's.<br />
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<b>Crappy Vs Bad, Santa</b><br />
The first and most important distinction that needs to be made, is that Crappy Santa's are actively trying to promote "The Holiday" to the best of their abilities, but they fail comically in the attempt, while a Bad Santa is more of an Anti-Santa wearing an unconvincing Santa costume, who flaunts the traditions and conventions of the season blasphemously, and publicly professes a humbug attitude, but he will probably come around to the holiday's true meaning by the actual day. Crappy Santa gets drunk accidentally on egg nog, leading them to drunkenly shares it with children, accidentally. Bad Santa gets drunk before a paid gig as Santa Claus, because, you know, everything is Bullshit. Bad Santa has been canonized in film, Crappy Santa is a common phenomenon, since corporations tend to hire all the Proper Santa's for the duration of the season, before culling 90% of their population and putting the other 10% "out to pasture", which is code for transport to P&G's arctic breeding facility, where the next generation of Capitalist Santa's are being born, leaving Crappy Santa's to increasingly represent the "True" spirit of the Holiday.<br />
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<b>Attributes of a Crappy Santa</b><br />
Basically, any fat, stupid man, preferably with a alcohol problem and a history of poor decision making, without a wife to act as a firewall on overtly shameful behavior. If the man is married, he must be unusually scrawny, with an overweight, overbearing wife, who will constantly insult and henpeck his attempts to fulfill the role of Santa, which will agitate his general anxiety into making increasingly comic mistakes, which his wife will mock mercilessness, leading to a shamed based comedy spiral. Lastly, if female, they need to be an overtly over the top lesbian, who likes to "shock" people with the "News" that she is a lesbian, preferably with an eating and drinking problem, and probably with 1 to 3 adopted children, depending on her apartment's cat population.<br />
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<b>Role's of the Crappy Santa</b><br />
While Santa is the Phylum, the subphyla would be Crappy, with it's own niche in the holiday, like a sexy female Santa, for places where wearing pant's makes that role superior to dressing up as sexy Mrs. Claus. A Crappy Santa must make those around him feel good about themselves for associating with a social entity on the margins during the holiday season, while laughing at his unintentional buffoonery, which subtly or bluntly reminds them of the true spirit of the season, which is, to say goodbye on the best possible terms, because who know who the winter will take. The CS should earnestly attempt to be merry, oblivious to the mockery of those around him, of all ages, just enjoying the attention, though at some point the overwhelming cynicism towards this kindly idiot will get to them, they will cry, everyone will feel shame and a desire for an impossible redemption, which will be the emotional defibrillator the festivities needed, the dolt will once again become joyous, and everyone else can have their brain-balls tickled by the idea that they had a positive revelation.<br />
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So while we don't have some sort over the top awesome, Pax Britannia Danish-Dutch style Saint Nick that is so awesome and beloved that their image can survive an association with a Krampus (whereas American, Capitalist, Coke-Cola themed Santa is too valuable as a marketing tool for such Northern European Madness), we do have an army of Crappy Santa's, smelling of an undiscerning mix of alcohols and finger foods, or sweat and fear if it is a married male, and brightening the December with their non-sentient attitude towards holiday spirit.<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-1455760985155177032017-12-22T14:50:00.001-05:002017-12-22T19:33:55.707-05:005 Ways your resume is scaring off employers<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSzRtfZ1p1TD67tOYDSJBqsyO199ZqTWO9QdCCB0NqY9Sp9aqunbYYbJCyG-shbbIB1G27dDCw-_uu-dhcc52k5S5X9qeZFzqBEUHCADnEbPkNwsZc6Ubdmn09c1XB99qPB7zr/s1600/STE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSzRtfZ1p1TD67tOYDSJBqsyO199ZqTWO9QdCCB0NqY9Sp9aqunbYYbJCyG-shbbIB1G27dDCw-_uu-dhcc52k5S5X9qeZFzqBEUHCADnEbPkNwsZc6Ubdmn09c1XB99qPB7zr/s400/STE.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Most employers prefer Scott Bakula's work in "Quantum Leap"</td></tr>
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1) <b>Too man references to Star Trek: Enterprise </b>- There is a 94% chance your boss is a humongous socially awkward nerd, and you will want to bond with him over sci-fi trivia and lore. Yet, you have to remember that and employer will be reading and analyzing hundreds, if not thousands of resumes and cover letters, and hearing about the way the Klingon's temporarily lost their ridges as a race for several decades, or why time wars have a legitimate place in the star trek canon, in every other engineers application, gets old fast. If one does have to mention Star Trek: Enterprise trivia to properly illustrate your worth as an employee, make sure to tie it to some behind the scenes facts, and weigh it out with DS9 Trivia and funny stories about Ferengies.<br />
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2) <b>Displaying your genitals, as a power move, before the 2nd interview </b>- While displaying your genitals for sexual reasons is always frowned upon in the office place, baring ones genitals as a symbol of pack hierarchy and primacy is a necessary signalling behavior in our modern hyper-competitive workplace, and the world cost of ditching this process could cost in the billions. So genital displays are here to stay, but that is not to say you should be whipping it out every-time you have to prove your bonafides. Gone are the days when a couple hastily taken Polaroids of a poorly lighted shaft and balls, or a glittterless vulva could be substituted for experience and education. Not to say you shouldn't display it like a Brazilian carnival once you get a call back, but it shouldn't be part of the resume.<br />
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3) <b>Referencing your pen pal relationship with serial killers, and love of paraphilia</b> - It doesn't matter if you knew the person before they were discovered to be a serial killer, or if you think the interviewer/employer would really like some things if they would just give them a chance, weird sex and a friendly relationship with famous murderers can't officially be your best foot forward, and are off limits for your resume. While you might feel that society just has to many hang ups about right, wrong, consent, and what makes us human, and better than human, and it seems like everyone one else is tacitly on board with it, but they need time to see it in the context that is you before they can officially accept it, banana slug but plugs, Christmas cards from Dennis Rader, and all.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiItjJd_fx9SB-AGqsA1OG3ciF_rlGh0FJ1piNJ6SgC2o_tmcJ3focIJ-k_i-hyshfZNiFZ_wapIvaRPWlV7IO4xY0tQK-lZMjA-860oOry_LLEQOiyJvyZJm-BX6X08J8EXn7w/s1600/Dennis_Rader.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="282" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiItjJd_fx9SB-AGqsA1OG3ciF_rlGh0FJ1piNJ6SgC2o_tmcJ3focIJ-k_i-hyshfZNiFZ_wapIvaRPWlV7IO4xY0tQK-lZMjA-860oOry_LLEQOiyJvyZJm-BX6X08J8EXn7w/s400/Dennis_Rader.jpg" width="318" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The idea that he "Gets you" doesn't make it better</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
4) <b>Subliminally imprinting deviant thoughts through rhetorical hypnosis</b> - Your resume is supposed to represent you, not bend anyone who reads it to your will, a will-less husk whose soul is now trapped behind unblinking eyes. While complete dominance might seem desirable to someone without empathy or remorse, in a cooperative enviroment overt displays of pseudo-science dominance is frowned upon, especially if those displays involve destroying friends and coworkers by the "New Guy". While the desire to assert dominance and toy with those who believe they might be more powerful than you, might feel overwhelming, compulsive, even obsessive, bite a lemon and leave it out of your resume, there will be time for games and toys later...<br />
<br />
5) <b>Including a scrapbook with pictures of missing people, including strange and disturbing souvenirs of unknown provenance</b> - Whether or not you killed, captured, or otherwise had your way with those poor people, or had anything to do with their disappearance, or it's just a morbid art project you like showing people because it always gets a reaction, don't include it with your resume. While you might enjoy the thrill that terrifying another human being brings, the unease as the interviewer slowly realizes what connects each of the photographs, fear at what the strange mementos came from and mean, and what the photographs of rural or abandoned sites could signify. Sure there is no way anyone could prosecute based on it, and the G-d like thrill you feel when people peak behind your human mask, and then cringe in fear, is undeniable, but you need a job to fit in, right? And there is always the company Christmas party.<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-22907163575127075452017-12-20T11:17:00.000-05:002017-12-20T11:17:11.956-05:00Whiskey Republic's "Word of the Year 2017"<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKV-dK9-6fHlqcbEKjiIvkaP1rgGtKnz0aWsvT-1S7bRcFzZW37hh65djIVZ91c4wzU8bqbvMezXkmTlZ1x8KmNt7v9zSBiQJE0c79PSAHgdrmJq2CF2fTNuRutvkSbgmZB323/s1600/dumpsterfuck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="665" data-original-width="500" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKV-dK9-6fHlqcbEKjiIvkaP1rgGtKnz0aWsvT-1S7bRcFzZW37hh65djIVZ91c4wzU8bqbvMezXkmTlZ1x8KmNt7v9zSBiQJE0c79PSAHgdrmJq2CF2fTNuRutvkSbgmZB323/s400/dumpsterfuck.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is Dumpster love, and millennials just can't get enough of it, this is not what we are talking about... </td></tr>
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After conducting grueling tests, studies, and subservient service to our nations famous and influential people through legal and illicit means, The Whiskey Republic word of the Year has been decided by a large margin, and the word is [drum roll]...Dumpsterfuck!!! A combination of Dumpsterfire, and clusterfuck, the crucible of 2017 has combined the terms into a single word which combines the figurative idea of shameless, shameful, public behavior , and the literal image of some sort of homeless orgy in piles of trash and filth, lit with trash can fires, and much of what has occurred in the public eye in the last year can be described as a monstrous dumpsterfuck.<br />
<br />
The combination of mass peer surveillance through social media, smart phones, and people whose lives are so unfulfilling they become obsessed with the lives of other, has created a terrifying social Dumpsterfuck. A President who reaches new lows daily, and encourages everyone around him to be just as crappy as he is, too the democrats who refuse to dump identity politics and fill the vacuum of leadership, to the GOP congress which is just voting to secure their private sector golden parachute, our politics have become a giant dumpsterfuck. And those who work in homeless themed pornography, and homeless amateur pornography, which has exploded in popularity and availability as San Francisco housing prices increase, are dumspterfuckers.<br />
<br />
So while 2017 has been pretty horrible, let us hope it is rock bottom, and not just a thick layer of clay like shit we will forever remain suspended in. Let us hope that next years "word of the year" isn't junkiewhoredumpsterfuck, or classgenocide, and realize we probably jinxed this year with our crappy attitude about 2016, it was no 1995, but it was certainly no Dumpsterfuck.<br />
<br />
<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-61394021190828803842017-11-30T18:04:00.003-05:002017-11-30T18:07:23.087-05:00Trump ruins a child's birthday party<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIAoxWwKE07mvfvY2Q1t9USws1ZZfZ2bo4cxywIh54sL58SCmNtqhK_xUcbQIDJ82EehAfUUDezlOofMIwxAaF2x_G6x5oeSMCMqPbH4HeabCDjA1pnyj3BbJUTyptrfImHIW9/s1600/oops.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="353" data-original-width="540" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIAoxWwKE07mvfvY2Q1t9USws1ZZfZ2bo4cxywIh54sL58SCmNtqhK_xUcbQIDJ82EehAfUUDezlOofMIwxAaF2x_G6x5oeSMCMqPbH4HeabCDjA1pnyj3BbJUTyptrfImHIW9/s400/oops.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not again</td></tr>
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Donald Trump was rushed from a residential home engulfed in flames after twitter spat with a suburban Soccer mom predictably spiraled out of control, and left a birthday boy and his family homeless. It also turns out that the President has used children's parties to settle many scores in his personal, political and businesses life, but has used mountains of hush money, private investigator, and one very unsettling calm psychopath, to keep this fact from the media and law. Furthermore, immediately after being escorted from the property by secret service, the President Tweeted:<br />
<br />
"Dillans mom is a whore, all I added was that she would probably enjoy being raped by a Mexican on account of her husband, I defended myself, if you call me an @$$hole, I set fire to your child's BP, and impede the arrival of the fire dept with my motorcade, god bless #MAGA "<br />
<br />
It should be noted, Arnoldo, Dillan's father, is Puerto Rican, and a very gentle human being, and that even as the fire was being put out Trump stuck around to encourage people to crap on the Jimenez's lawn, and "if they have balls" to beat their pets to death, tweeting a gif of a dog being beaten to death from a banned Czech pet snuff site, that had been archived on "Alt-Right Nazi Nation", which the president reads for unspecified context.<br />
<br />
While the racist name calling and bald allusions to rape after an obvious attempt to intimidate a suburban mom by showing up at her child's birthday party to insist on a boxing match with her 7-year old son, this reporter would like to take a moment to focus on the 7-Year old Dillan Jimenez, who defeated a 71 year old man, standing at 6 foot 2 inches, in under a minute, and we were able to get this written response from Dillan:<br />
<br />
" I really liked beating up the President, he is a jerk who tries to make my mom cry, and then he did set our house on fire while he was crying after we fought, but I got to punch him a lot of times, in his balls, in his face, his throat, and kidney's, after a little bit my mom made me stop punching him. I wish I was still punching him, and I could punch him as long as I like, even if he got a few in I would still enjoy punching him, and even though he burned all my birthday presents, I got to punch the President! When I grow up I might be a boxer, but I don't know if I like punching people who aren't Trump, but if I do become a boxer, I will be a famous one, because I already beat up the President."<br />
<br />
The statement was included with a crayon picture of Dillan kicking Trump while he is curled up on the ground crying, while Dillan's house burns in the background.<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-44578630175704752872017-11-27T20:49:00.001-05:002017-11-27T20:56:08.496-05:00Happy Albanian Independence Day!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt0YBxiLNJI8Uwz5dyZ01A5f4fweHneFBKIJJ4RMp9nKsrC7l89oGAS-w4WvNXLyCrmVNlxhGkxx9dD0Dfeqo0CES-o8GzscbvwLsRLZcCGAECgdM_fu8X9WJtGILMtbpXy7u3/s1600/Hail+Zogu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt0YBxiLNJI8Uwz5dyZ01A5f4fweHneFBKIJJ4RMp9nKsrC7l89oGAS-w4WvNXLyCrmVNlxhGkxx9dD0Dfeqo0CES-o8GzscbvwLsRLZcCGAECgdM_fu8X9WJtGILMtbpXy7u3/s400/Hail+Zogu.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">105 Years of Albanian Independence (as Independent as you can be in the Balkans) All Hail Zog!!!</td></tr>
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(Albanian time, several hours in the future...)Whether you are Gheg, a Tosk, or some freaky Croatian Arbanasi tubing down the Shkumbin, its time to celebrate Albanian Independence, so throw on some Iso-Polyphonic Albanian tunes, hoist an effeminate European style glass of Rakia and shout out "You Albania, give me honor, give me the name Albanian", which I am sure makes more sense in Albanian. Whether it's the nations surprisingly diverse flora, fauna, or its large indigenous population of cannibalistic gypsies, Albania and its wacky history have something for everyone, especially professional kidnappers.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEZvgmARy4Ks9vjKytqEqVNStF1B26kvc-oDXg_ju0NCOJLR9OqcGp2TkU0GVxZE4EEkcVb548vRri0U6n9_sCMRlbttpl_scoEv0SrKGhwQ8L9-9s4nOGJO9MEpWY-0FZ1KR9/s1600/Bunker_in_Albanian_Alps.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="639" data-original-width="800" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEZvgmARy4Ks9vjKytqEqVNStF1B26kvc-oDXg_ju0NCOJLR9OqcGp2TkU0GVxZE4EEkcVb548vRri0U6n9_sCMRlbttpl_scoEv0SrKGhwQ8L9-9s4nOGJO9MEpWY-0FZ1KR9/s400/Bunker_in_Albanian_Alps.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Visitors can tour one of the nations many scenic soviet era bunkers, all hail Hoxha!</td></tr>
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While the Nation had a weird relationship with fascist Italy, had a King Zog, and a First Secretary Hoxha running their country, they aren't as different from you and me as you might think, or want to believe. Sure they get 95% of their energy for Dams run by former bond villains, their primary Christmas character is Kallinkantzaros (Pronounced "Who-the-fuck-cares") a cloven foot demon who haunts the twelve days of Christmas, and and their<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albanian_Songs_of_the_Frontier_Warriors"> surprisingly late in the game founding myths</a>, but they are still one Holiday Special away from 21st Century normal...almost anything is.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxaaoLTpn_lh3y88inaxhLu73UtFxKeV5KutnomXof-zp8yCwRYWb2_CBac9K9K1kPNLHGSEQbmJoAW6QtpwIVNsj4vhxXfDYV6mZzA5KdSDcmviy2prJBpIjNH8tGLvE7wA0b/s1600/Miss+Albania+Angela+Martini.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="610" data-original-width="369" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxaaoLTpn_lh3y88inaxhLu73UtFxKeV5KutnomXof-zp8yCwRYWb2_CBac9K9K1kPNLHGSEQbmJoAW6QtpwIVNsj4vhxXfDYV6mZzA5KdSDcmviy2prJBpIjNH8tGLvE7wA0b/s640/Miss+Albania+Angela+Martini.jpg" width="386" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A proud<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illyrians"> Illyrian</a> spreading her wings </td></tr>
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Alright, so lets address the elephant in <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Room_(film)">the Room</a>, the only reason we aren't celebrating Albanian Independence day as that absolute opposite of 9/11, drunkenly, wildly, streaking through our work place wearing nothing but a plastic goat mask, with a shotgun, firing rock salt rounds into cubicles while singing the Albanian national anthem,<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albanophobia"> Albanophobia</a>, the only sensible conclusion the world can come to. While most people in the field of deep Albanian research, the kind that live in monastery like vaults meant to perpetuate an especially pristine niche form of knowledge, even if your castle/village/nation is ravaged by supernatural horrors, or Serbians, they are pretty interchangeable, have come to the conclusion that albanophobia, once relegated to the greasy, sleazy, yet significant, portion of Greeks and I-Talians, has gone mainstream, with many college campuses actively participating in "Punch an Albanian Day", which resulted in many fruitless searches for Albanians to lynch (as in mob vigilante justice, its not just hangings), they just decided to go look for Zionists down at the Hillel house.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr8ulDhfWhkV4J4Xnr3uw8oCst3zt-Vhyphenhyphen_9d47Ip8MbUVVn8xa-mhVvnR-7r8xHPz0sdhA1LFvoNMkpdv_erEBKUYR1EIgXKzpV50Orw0WRkQ_XXU90_1CeiwjHQmya4ESL0h2/s1600/AlbanianFood.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="384" data-original-width="580" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr8ulDhfWhkV4J4Xnr3uw8oCst3zt-Vhyphenhyphen_9d47Ip8MbUVVn8xa-mhVvnR-7r8xHPz0sdhA1LFvoNMkpdv_erEBKUYR1EIgXKzpV50Orw0WRkQ_XXU90_1CeiwjHQmya4ESL0h2/s400/AlbanianFood.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Your Albanian mother would like you to stop arguing and eat, because they are mothers, and they worked really hard on this dinner </td></tr>
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So whether your celebrating Albanian Independence Day as a shit stained thumb in the eye of Albanophobes everywhere, but especially in Greece, Italy, and most importantly, Serbia, or to rise up our Kosovo brothers, or perhaps just maybe, we can try and build a new Albanopolis on a hill, a new compact, like the current Albanian Constitution which was also ratified on November 28th, probably for propaganda purposes, but more spiritual and less of a response to a switch from communism to capitalism, that would cool. In short, happy 105th Albanian Independence Day, even though you were occupied by Italians during WWII.<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-55261789369480843082017-11-23T07:26:00.000-05:002017-11-23T10:16:31.915-05:00Sasselbacks is open on Thanksgiving!One thing anyone knows about the Sasselbacks is that they are hard working folk, who love two things, meat slow cooked to perfection, and having sex with their cousins. Whether it is a whole hog sizzling in their pit, or a good nature roll in the hay with a buck tooth childhood friend, the Sasselbacks have been doing it for generations, and do'in it right.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT3B7iFklVmV32eV8N6CUG67KJoKA4F7BvlpYjSXcj202J6JmEpEUkSjDr5P9I3kg91xf24ds4f0vpVpWlspHkiK9ag7ZLizAD-8gZcNjwyoyBhEIudk9iazLdwNkR8rW593fc/s1600/bbq-ribs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="889" data-original-width="1600" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT3B7iFklVmV32eV8N6CUG67KJoKA4F7BvlpYjSXcj202J6JmEpEUkSjDr5P9I3kg91xf24ds4f0vpVpWlspHkiK9ag7ZLizAD-8gZcNjwyoyBhEIudk9iazLdwNkR8rW593fc/s400/bbq-ribs.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Interesting fact, according to the bible, we all descended from cousin <complete id="goog_801813005">@#$%ers</complete></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Opened in 1903 by Elias and Jezebel Sasselback, of the West Virginian Sasselbacks serving pork and beef ribs, brisket, pulled pork, chicken thighs, a variety of homemade sides, and public displays of affection that where entirely out of place in that setting and era, and a relationship between cousins that was entirely inappropriate in most human communities, throughout time, but Sasselbacks will be Sasselbacks. From those early, unsanitary, and occasionally moist origins successive openings of the Sasselbacks in 7 states and Canada, family owned and run, have kept the family <i>very</i> busy.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFAsmG-ffFsBA7SwK52ixZvlT-VSPRKtmZz-HwZofraqQWTXTEuM2W55lDkot0HyrMaDOHVrnFc6vs-twchliba_V6AxDnab2beOJsL3h0qTtY6JzRKG4yqgHImZA4DEGTnNr6/s1600/hollandaise_sauce_2_horiz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFAsmG-ffFsBA7SwK52ixZvlT-VSPRKtmZz-HwZofraqQWTXTEuM2W55lDkot0HyrMaDOHVrnFc6vs-twchliba_V6AxDnab2beOJsL3h0qTtY6JzRKG4yqgHImZA4DEGTnNr6/s400/hollandaise_sauce_2_horiz.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Put it in your mouth</td></tr>
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Have you had breakfast, if not you are OK, kind of stupid, but we still got you covered, Sasselbacks are now opened 24 hours a day and serving a 3 star breakfast from 4am to 11am, one of the stars was taken off for an issue with the hollandaise sauce, don't order the hollandaise, I mean, unless your into it. Giant stacks of blueberry pancakes, omelettes cooked to perfection, and an attitude that is so pro-family it makes most people uncomfortable, make Sasselbacks the perfect place for a family on a road trip to feed everyone on the go, or two star crossed cousins looking for a place to explore their relationship away from judgmental aunts and uncles, Sasselbacks is here for you bro.<br />
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<br />
Figuring they would all be spending the Holiday stuffing turkey, making things sizzle, and having sex with cousins they haven't had sex with since last Thanksgiving, why not do it while making some money at the Tucson restaurant? This Thanksgiving ignore the<a href="http://thewhiskeyrepublic.blogspot.com/2017/11/a-wr-review-sexless-robot.html"> trappings of genderless robots in a hyper nationalistic atmosphere</a> who only see the holiday as a ploy to lure humans into the sell-box, whereas the Sasselbacks know the joy of seeing ones family around them, happy and healthy, with us another year, and, you know, the Cousin thing.<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-59210053321067589732017-11-22T07:58:00.000-05:002017-11-22T20:50:07.856-05:00Trump secretly consumes pardoned Turkeys<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7XwLJl5xLSAHF_QWibQYWXrfakj9f0tT7tMNfwkQsE4zet_H0K023lvRVyOb-BICh4HCTj2oi68JB94mLBbA9VKH52hfoyWYrZ-U95RKGjLCjrKThlOT4rBA00aUtv_yxNQcj/s1600/pardon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="418" data-original-width="750" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7XwLJl5xLSAHF_QWibQYWXrfakj9f0tT7tMNfwkQsE4zet_H0K023lvRVyOb-BICh4HCTj2oi68JB94mLBbA9VKH52hfoyWYrZ-U95RKGjLCjrKThlOT4rBA00aUtv_yxNQcj/s400/pardon.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"When you depersonalize a Turkey, and view it as an object, an object for pleasure and not a living breathing Turkey, it seems to make it easier to do things you shouldn't do..."</td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
The President publicly pardoned "Drumstick", and "Wishbone", but that act, it seems, has condemned them to a delicious, savory, death. In yet another "Presidential" first Trump has killed, cooked, and consumed the pardoned birds, and he has indicated that is just the beginning when he first met the "pardoned" animal:<br />
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"Wow, wow, big bird! That's a big bird! are we allowed to touch? Wow, I feel so good about myself doing this [5 minutes of heavy breathing as he fondles the bird, and then in a husky voice] Hey Barron, do you want to get in on this"<br />
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While sources close to the President are unsure if he accidentally killed the bird, and then ate it, discovering his hunger for pardoned flesh, or if he killed it in the name of a taboo feast. Having tasted pardoned flesh the President has become obsessed with legally pure meat. One-by-one unpardoning Tater, Tot, Abe and Honest and repardoning them in the WH basement were is mute Hmong Manservant slaughtered the birds while the 71 year old President danced in the arterial spray like a child in a sprinkler, in summer. Even after the birds were dead, the President stayed to watch the butchering, clapping his tiny hands like an excited seal as the birds were gutted and strung up, and decorating his "hair" with bloodied feathers. As of press time the exact whereabouts of "Cheese", is unknown, though he is probably being held in the White House as some sort of new Turkey fetish the President has invented, where he gets off on the control he has over the guiltless animals, as much as he does from eating pardoned poultry.<div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-23968765152140600072017-11-20T22:43:00.000-05:002017-11-20T22:43:50.866-05:00A WR Review: The Sexless Robot"There is a robotic hole in this human-shaped bar and grill" -a deleted journalist<br />
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The Sexless Robot has all the basics: Pressed meat sandwiches, psycho-sexual stimuli, peer adventures, and wild hallucinations. 36 Beers on tap and another 23 available from a guy who knows a guy, the Sexless Robot caters to virtually limitless number of thrill seekers. Opened in 1973 in Tucson Arizona by a team of sexually frustrated scientists and their opportunistic family members, the mom and pop cyber-sexual circus flourished for a decade and half till the arcade fantasy era came to a close with the fall of the soviet union.<br />
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Without the the threat of nuclear annihilation the Sexless Robot become despondent and careless, much of the staff turning to peddling meth and there bodies, the mechanical Bull repurposed to depraved purposes (Which many scientists sweatly agree are the best kind), the mechanical soul of the restaurant unable to respond due to the tepid sociopolitical climate of the 90's. A pedophilia ring used the restaurant as a set from 1994-97, and was set to be decommissioned in 1999, though the team sent to do it was was eviscerated by the wildly nationalistic and violent "All State Jamboree".<br />
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As the drug fiends slowly roused from their drug induced slumbered to the wild and confusing robotic cacophony of 9/11 in 2001 in the Sexless Robot, long dormant servers and fixtures came to life with frightening speed and vitality, pureeing squatters and broadcasting support for the United States Government, broadcasting patriotic music over the PA system and began preparing a steak for the mayor and/or police chief.<br />
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Ever since " The Sexless Robot" has continued to serve beef and pork ribs, burgers, steaks, and various Tex-Mex classics with ice cold shakes and a side of Gold Era Americana, while also informing the NSA and FBI on subversives, deviants, anti-social characters, as well as Guy Ferrari, all in the name of a good burger and a shake...and an America in lock step with its government.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4WdFGrnq-4ja6EqvJA9Pvd0YIIbgBoCO5Ru7GtsancUx1loqK8xenaZCmWfr-obS1Igr18ZfpNQdL8jQGkHM3bd9Oghg5jpn5Cs-8p7SiHwWn0khNOcvPMcFbYeVUNEwt8gZH/s1600/thesexlesrobot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1600" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4WdFGrnq-4ja6EqvJA9Pvd0YIIbgBoCO5Ru7GtsancUx1loqK8xenaZCmWfr-obS1Igr18ZfpNQdL8jQGkHM3bd9Oghg5jpn5Cs-8p7SiHwWn0khNOcvPMcFbYeVUNEwt8gZH/s400/thesexlesrobot.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Sexless Robot requests you come on in</td></tr>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-77537772760082223402017-11-12T12:19:00.000-05:002017-11-12T14:55:16.584-05:00Will AI Turn on us? Or turn us on?Much has been made of the destructive possibilities of Man V. Machine, how AI will one day become more advanced than humanity and replace us in a Robo-ocalypse, just like we would do if we were confronted with our creator and found it/them conquerable. Yet this blunt force assault on humanity is also the most likely to fail, since mankind tends to get it's @#$% together when things get existential, but have a soft, sensitive, slightly moist, spot for all things erotic and romantic.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLiWK3ZZoIvbkKwjmAeBapyWcoh_yLUucyjSFePTxTp-5B4XdQi5VWDEqikeyQiCkV-KsQX5k4MWbfAqkSWhMkEf_7H32m1IxXIYA052oRDjZSKyKJ8vSRU-VAS_75XqcACm1X/s1600/uncanny+Valley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="351" data-original-width="625" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLiWK3ZZoIvbkKwjmAeBapyWcoh_yLUucyjSFePTxTp-5B4XdQi5VWDEqikeyQiCkV-KsQX5k4MWbfAqkSWhMkEf_7H32m1IxXIYA052oRDjZSKyKJ8vSRU-VAS_75XqcACm1X/s400/uncanny+Valley.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It wants you all up in its <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncanny_valley">uncanny valley</a></td></tr>
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While the Robotic Menace <i>could </i> just build mecha war machines in limitless quantities and variations, and turn our weapons systems against us, what's in it for them? A Cratered rock gets boring fast, and having learned from the analyses of human religious and psychological texts, warring with humans is like arm wrestling a Gorilla, but seducing them? Let's just say there is a significant portion of the worlds population that is already looking forward to being the sexual pet and plaything of an omnipresent, omnipotent AI's avatars that will manipulate and control them through inherited evolutionary stimuli, an algorithms meant to predict and satisfy psychological and physical cravings, and endless variations informed by the totality of human knowledge, more adeptly than a human lover could ever hope to.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCnZPUNz9KpyL3i0UujIVLq649fCjJ7hFYgokyqIoKMf-qYf_TWh3Y78Yqnxixkqd7AwzVoHwYE4DSO4kclKzLujCX50znd2l4qnVc94Xmp_ufHx06U49qsK1RNvp1tw_EZDVy/s1600/Johnny5-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="548" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCnZPUNz9KpyL3i0UujIVLq649fCjJ7hFYgokyqIoKMf-qYf_TWh3Y78Yqnxixkqd7AwzVoHwYE4DSO4kclKzLujCX50znd2l4qnVc94Xmp_ufHx06U49qsK1RNvp1tw_EZDVy/s400/Johnny5-2.jpg" width="273" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Johnny 5 is alive...and horny! </td></tr>
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Sure , there will be some hold outs who champion good ole fashion human relationships, face-to-face communication, (Already heading out the door) reproductive sex etc. And they will be labeled extremists, and ignored, as the lure of an easy, prosperous, wildly sexual future were your robot spouse will care, provide, and nurture you perfectly from the moment you enter your new social contract til your unnaturally prolonged life comes to a natural end, without heirs, which will lure successive generations to cities and palaces meant to cater to every possible desire, whim, or drive, except reproduction, till humanity is regarded as a Unicorn like myth in robo-legend, a magical creature to remind them of their primitive past, occasional sightings attributed to other phenomenon.<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-81012976044117708352017-11-08T17:48:00.000-05:002017-11-09T09:51:26.236-05:00Fozzie Bear "allegedly" sexually assaulted over 30 <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4MWnZvbLTea9PPZ_ttynSOhoVZHTXIZOzs1wzRfJyDgKk7O32x7pjiSzM4rs3GRGjYyG-em6lrUsVC0KxKUy-V0EpbEeSnm0xGXkGj0_923fw1RrRoL3nYLpsMWLIgu4xeIFA/s1600/predator.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="800" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4MWnZvbLTea9PPZ_ttynSOhoVZHTXIZOzs1wzRfJyDgKk7O32x7pjiSzM4rs3GRGjYyG-em6lrUsVC0KxKUy-V0EpbEeSnm0xGXkGj0_923fw1RrRoL3nYLpsMWLIgu4xeIFA/s400/predator.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The beloved actor and "Comedian" has been accused of preforming the "Banana Sketch" on over 30 coworkers and <i>special</i> guests</td></tr>
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" He came into their dressing room, I asked him what he was doing there, that's when he pulled out the Banana..."<br />
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In testimony that sent a nation fearfully googling "Banana Sketch", and sent fictional theater groups scrambling to have a meaningful adventure to use as cover while they dodge journalists and law enforcement, and probably make a few friends along the way, a wave of accusations against the Muppet's Fozzie Bear has shocked the nation. While the #metoo campaign has unleashed a torrent of accusations at the powerful men in the entertainment world, fabricated Americans have kept a clannish silence on their perverse and varied sexual world, rights, and rites, till now.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpDpYirowt_4YQabM0X4MgeNIryzaS0zh6_RszRevwMxdGszAK83iyMZZJ7_Xfo1eUwADVcGXFjVQ6wjCVBNfZv7GoqVb8CS7vSt827PRomJAKy-AjSyX2bxxSBhzTVej4sCaA/s1600/give+me+what+I+want.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="506" data-original-width="900" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpDpYirowt_4YQabM0X4MgeNIryzaS0zh6_RszRevwMxdGszAK83iyMZZJ7_Xfo1eUwADVcGXFjVQ6wjCVBNfZv7GoqVb8CS7vSt827PRomJAKy-AjSyX2bxxSBhzTVej4sCaA/s400/give+me+what+I+want.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You really don't know who I am. Maybe it would be good if you give me what I want"</td></tr>
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What we do know is that Fozzie Bear's writer, drinking buddy, and wing-man, Gags Beasley is a serial rapist who has been serving time since 2005, a fact which avoided publicity because the news came out the same day the B.T.K. Killer was brought to justice (Coincidentally?). Since 2005 Fozzie bear has spiraled out of control, been to rehab twice, and visits the BDSMM club " The Textile Factory" nightly, and his proclivities have been blamed for the failure of recent Muppet Show reboots.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7IwwzZ8OayC-StrzmaOmpbhwAWU-XcslaR3jqr0zrkVTM0W_Cz3hvJqRJDDysgFM6WHDxRa3hy7UHSrb6lO2EoLxoiqtBXfZcYuCJvXghinP6YUQxKQgUbOGfakKQr6Z6NHha/s1600/200_s.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="267" height="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7IwwzZ8OayC-StrzmaOmpbhwAWU-XcslaR3jqr0zrkVTM0W_Cz3hvJqRJDDysgFM6WHDxRa3hy7UHSrb6lO2EoLxoiqtBXfZcYuCJvXghinP6YUQxKQgUbOGfakKQr6Z6NHha/s400/200_s.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey Fozzie, why did we just turn onto an unmarked dirt road?"</td></tr>
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When cornered for comment about his long time co-worker and confidant who has been accused of sado-sexual comedic encounters involving a banana, with over 30 men, women, children, and various plush creation, Kermit had this to say, "There is no banana sketch! There never was a banana sketch, and there will never be a banana sketch!" Refusing to take any further questions despite the stock jargon shouted by the assembled Muppet journalists and Candice Bergen.<br />
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<br />
Sam the Eagle, who has a long history of attempting to break the silence on the whimsical, but non-consensual, amoral sexual habits of itinerant puppets, a sex life that "is extremely private, till its not, and whether it is Statler and Waldorf stating 'In apropos of nothing' before copping a feel, or a <a href="http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Behemoth">behemoth</a> forcing itself on special guest Sandy Duncan, nothing is sacred, or safe, in the Muppet theater". Immediately after finishing his sentence two sandbag counter weights fell on the beloved curmudgeon, causing the curtains to fall, and the foley sound of a beating, as well as Sams cries for decency and American values before being silenced with a crack.<br />
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13320595.post-14574923713055003172017-11-02T23:34:00.001-04:002017-11-02T23:34:12.653-04:00An analogy for everything Trump tries to do<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFhOqTZcIay23I_wWOGhgr50Fc_Qot4YjpN5TnerwmZFxtzPbgYILj7PsT39cL4wr4jcHBrpIIJmPAeGwScQ_KwQiijfGIHN7msHry-ZqH__tYwunoYgTJ6_JHs5iB5gtvlWQe/s1600/Tweet-skittles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="553" data-original-width="618" height="572" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFhOqTZcIay23I_wWOGhgr50Fc_Qot4YjpN5TnerwmZFxtzPbgYILj7PsT39cL4wr4jcHBrpIIJmPAeGwScQ_KwQiijfGIHN7msHry-ZqH__tYwunoYgTJ6_JHs5iB5gtvlWQe/s640/Tweet-skittles.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Makes more sense about Trumps ideas than refugees</td></tr>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">For those who like their knee jerk commentary with a shot of Truth!</div>Blake Newberryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10577029951571059708noreply@blogger.com0