Obama to introduce wolves into your neighborhood

The Department of Health & Human Services has released its analysis of America's Health care spending , which has topped $10,000 for the first time with an average of $10,345 per American. The President had this to say:

"Hello, my fellow American's, as you know health care cost continue to rise, consuming more and more of our nations wealth, and as everyone made clear earlier, it would have been difficult for me to implement my death panels, as me and my Committee for public safety wanted to while drafting the ACA. We also know that some 5% of the population, the weakest, slowest, and most frail- consume the vast majority of services. Lastly, we know that gun violence is a public safety issue, and there is no reason a citizen needs a military grade weapon.

To holistically solve all three issues, while reintroducing a majestic and powerful animal, hunted to near extinction by the greed and avarice of white males, we will reintroduce massive Super-Pacs of wolves into populated areas, while simultaneously confiscating assault weapons  and any magazines over 8 rounds, this method will make the ACA viable again within one to two harsh winters. I understand Congress will try and block my efforts to bring affordable health care and hysterics based gun control to America while enhancing its biodiversity, but we must not falter we must not fail"

While many in the democratic party, at first, opposed creating a situation where vast swaths of the population would be in danger of being torn apart by packs of starving wolves whose population will balloon on unchecked deer, before entering urban environments in force, after the deer population collapses, while simultaneously disarming the public and sending a directive to all government employees to, in any interactions between humans and wolves, to let things "play out".

Sorry Grandma, you are too slow for healthcare

Of course the party got in line when Clinton reminded them that they could all disappear and their families would never know if they were alive or dead. Republicans, surprisingly or not, seemed to only take umbrage with the gun control aspect of the plan, not the release wolves into populated areas to hunt the sick, old and handicapped.

Peanutz

But still worth a chuckle

I say Pokemon NO!

Does the 13-15th Amendment apply to Pokemon?

Washington D.C. - The recent Pokemon Go craze has had idiotic people, going to idiotic places to acquire idiotic things, so naturally, these idiots, acting as such decided to play in Auschwitz and the Washington D.C. Holocaust Museums dedicated to the people murdered by a megalomaniac evil and insane monster's who wished to capture and eliminate entire races of people.

West can be seen oscillating back and forth while making  high pitched beeps, later explaining he posses natural "Jewdar", but Bernie is one of the good ones

Cornel West, who was recently bitten by a radioactive student activist, about the same time that the masked racist " The Black Panther" began checking the white privilege of random college students, and honestly, based on their teeth alone, the city tacitly agrees they are the same person, but don't want to prosecute him as a vigilante because anyone who does will be thought a racist, one of his many super powers, was questioned about the Pokemon Go phenomenon at an abandoned Bernie Sanders rally West refused to leave the podium of. West said "This is a tool of the regressive white regime to condition a new generation of race warriors to imprison and murder all African American males" before using his 300 foot vertical leap to exit the stage.

Area mother, unable to obtain coffee, murders everyone

Murder Tree, WA -In the sleepy, if not isolated and slightly off, pacific northwest hamlet of Murder Tree Washington, the town saw what some are calling the largest mass murder in Murder Tree history since the 1973 Saint Anne's Lynching , which saw an entire busload of nuns murdered by unknown assailants in the forests just outside of town, where the woods whisper, and bullied children enter on a dare, never to be seen again. While that crime scene was only discovered after they drew a vast murder of crows, when one skittish ornithologist who refused to give his name in unspoken fear came upon the grizzly scene when investigating the birds, sometime after the interview, he gouged out his own eyes and committed suicide by self immolation.

The Sole Survivor of Saint Anne's Convent, who chewed off her  own tongue in 1974 and spends her days plaintively looking to Jesus on the cross, and terrified at an unseen entity to her left, where the room is noticeably colder

Some time between 5:30AM and 6:30AM Renata Wall, wife to Nick Wall, the former High School football hero, who now operates a garage in town and is known for his philandering and drinking, and his twin daughters from his previous marriage, Trudy & Cecilia, who made a point of calling Emilia by her first name, and despite their plain appearance, had slept with many of the towns residents. Finally, despairing of getting a %$#@en cup of coffee, on that muggy bug infested dawn, she brutally murdered everyone in the house, four women on her block she suspected of sleeping with her husband, beating one of them to death with her husbands severed head, going on to blow up the diner she worked at as the breakfast crowd swelled, despite the probable presence of drinkable coffee, and died while trying to kill the town sheriff with a brick and screaming in ancient Babylonian.

It wasn't the first morning she said she would kill for a cup of coffee, but it was the first morning she meant it

When asked to comment all the Sheriff would say is " The forest takes, and the town abides" in an inexplicable Maine accent. Town Historian, Hollis Atwood, former asylum Doctor at the town depository for the incurably insane, which was closed in 1997 for its myriad of abuses and severe neglect of its wards, added " Every 15 to 25 years our town has a 'Bad Summer' , children go missing, cattle get torn apart, the shadows come out of the woods and everyone becomes a little 'strange'" adding "even I spent one summer collecting the bones of the towns deceased to make my own city of the damned in the boarded up Asylum because I was sure it was the indomitable will of the Goat King, who led the Murder Tree strangler to take up residence there long after my involvement with the scene".