The true meaning of Hanukkah

How do an outnumbered band guerrilla's take down a Macedonian Phalanx, the premier fighting force of its time, perhaps boiling oil? Or as the Maccabees called it "Making Latkes"

As a certain universalist religion celebrates the birth of another hungry mouth to feed, in the Ghetto, with gross commercialism,  a voyeuristic, judgmental, home invader bending time and space to make your kids behave with his elf henchmen from his secret arctic hideout, and binge drinking. But, there is another December holiday, one that doesn't end in a 30 year old virgin being tortured to death and then having that torture device be "His" symbol, and on that point, what then hell is wrong with you!? A fish is a far less threatening image, hell, a lip-less gnashing monster would be a less terrifying symbol, back on track, this Holiday commemorates events that happened in a storied land, to two storied people, that is the exact opposite of Christmas.

Did you know there were many "Antiochus", the one from the Hanukkah story was number IV, this is the most recent model

The Jews, that's right, the folk from the Bible, the real one, not the fan fiction "50 Shades of Monotheism" craptacular Arab and Latin versions, had been living under foreign occupation for over 400 years and making a pretty good go of it until in 168 BCE, Antiochus IV tried to invade  Egypt, but he and his path to victory were blocked by a one Gaius Popillius Laenas, a Roman badass, Ambassador, and with a tablet from the Senate telling Antiochus to turn his ass around, to which Antiochus replied he would discuss it in council, to which the badass in question responded by drawing a circle around Antiochus and letting him know that if he left said circle without agreeing to these demands, he would be at war with Rome. The pussy that he was, he turned his ass around, and severely butt-hurt he decided everything that was Greek was good, and all that was not, especially those shitty Latins, were not, which leaves our Jewish friends under the occupation of Antiochus,  in a pickle.

Stick with me, this is important

So, for the last 150 years the Greeks have occupied most of the known world, you know, the world that counts [wink], and doing Greek shit, worshiping Greek gods, doing Greek sports etc. almost all required one to pull out their dangle, which would in turn open doors for this individual who has shown a proper wang and show them a whole new world of possibilities...primarily cultural and economic, but in the Greek world that would invariably become sexual, so it all comes back to a properly dressed shaft. Well, the Jews have this thing, their oldest tradition is to trim the awning and keep ones masculinity tidy, so, to do as the Greeks do, make money, get an education etc. the Jew would have to give up their most cherished tradition. So you had the Greek occupation and their "Downstairs mess" kapos  on the one side, and traditional Jews on the other, both living separate lives with separate institutions, until a butt hurt Antiochus comes back from the war that didn't happen and decided to be a dick about things.

I'm so sorry, how rude of me, did anyone else want to try and sacrifice pig to Zeus on this alter? Anyone? 

Bit of advice, don't mess with a guy named Matthias, who likes to quote scripture and whose family is affectionately known as "The Hammer", and certainly don't try to sacrifice a swine to Zeus on an alter of a foreign G-d in front of him, you're gonna have a bad time...and that is just what the Greeks did. From 167 BCE to 160BCE Matthias and his sons waged a brilliant Guerrilla war which forced the Seleucid from the Jewish Heartland in the Hills of Judea and Samaria, that would take 3 of Matthias's 5 sons, Eleazer Avaran who died thrusting his spear into the belly of a war elephant, and Judas Maccabee died facing down 22,000 heavily armed Greeks with his band of 800 men rather then live and see them retake Jerusalem, his death inspiring a general revolt led by the two surviving brothers Jonathan and Simon, which liberated the land, expelled the Hellenized collaborators and allowed freedom worship. Sure they rejected the prevalent world culture of their time, they were bigoted against the pagan pantheons of other nations, and sure they would go on to do most of the same things the Greeks had done, so what if they were dicks!? They were Jewish dicks, and that is the lesson of Hanukkah, even a flawed Jew, i.e. Netanyahu, will do more for his or her people than all the refined Gentiles (i.e Obama) in the world. Happy Holidays! and remembered which one was more badass.

Happy Hanukkah!!!

Trump back peddling accidentally causes a rip in both Time and Space

As Trump, and a radius around Trump, appears when he is backpedaling at, or near, the speed of political light

Finally recognizing that his slimy, shady, sleazy jamboree turned out to be very popular (the 3 S's for Drumpf success), and had landed him in the white house, a location that he has said, through media, rallies, and drunken bar rants, that should he find himself IN the White House, AS President, he we do many outlandish, fantastical, and often monstrous things on behalf of the United States of America. The President elect also realized that he didn't want to be murdered by unrelenting waves terrorists, and their swelling ranks of allies, so he has wavered on the Muslim ban, and questioned moving the American Embassy in Israel, to Jerusalem, just days after being elected to office based on a wacky platform of unfeasible ideas, such as those. This backpedaling done, over 3 months before he will even hold public office, for the very first time,  reach the political equivalent of 88 miles per hour, and busted a seam in both time and space.

Due to the Laws of Relativity, it was theorized, and now proven, that if a bad enough opponent could be found, a really heinous POS, Trump could be elected President, but if he were to immediately backpedal, it could create a POS paradox

While he first experienced his most recent back peddling as a fully immersive POV POS experience, it began to spaghettified in the quantum foam, and he transformed into an orange beam of light ten times a billionth the diameter of a hydrogen atoms nucleus into quantum multi-verse, each increasingly different, depending if and when people back peddled, sensing ego death his minds last conscious thought was how much he wished that he could tenderly and lovingly hold Boris Johnson one last time...while he raped him.

21st Century normal?

Sensing the Universe had grabbed him by the pussy, the now egoless, and thus vulnerable Trump(s) was/were being sucked through the time space fissure he had created, like a shirtless Mexican on a hillbilly waterside from hell, which is also the name of his signature drink at his Dubai speakeasy and resort. He saw the multiplicity of existence, realities fanciful, abhorrent, familiar and alien, a never ending ouroboros of possibilities that people either forced into existence, or backed down from with weak explanations, emanating from Trump back to a puddle of primordial ooze in a lifeless earth Primeval, which he felt a kinship towards like he had felt with no other living creature, before it was zapped by lightening and either became life, or back peddled into a biochemical soup, before the time daemons returned him to his gold plated terrarium in the Kremlin.

What if we lived in a universe where our Commander - in - Chief - elect hadn't done this? Hmm?

Obama to colonize Mars

Here's looking at you kid!

Many have speculated what one of the youngest and most alive US  presidents, who is set to finish his second and final(?) term in a few short months,will do with the probably lengthy remainder of their life. Well, the President has made his intentions clear. President Obama, his NASA certified wife, and two, then, cryogenically frozen daughters, along with 500 astronauts, scientists,soldiers, engineers, "breeders", and one corporate shill trying to make money off of Xenomorphs, all of whom have already elected Obama as their King, and ipso facto, the King of Mars, will blast off! Capable of levying Martian taxes, and signing treaties with the Lobster Men of Olympus Mon, and or any space Nazis or Communists they might discover, as well as evolved space ape colonies, The Obama will decide, but with this great power the responsibility for protecting his subjects from any and all form of monstrosity, will falls upon his gawky shoulders, no matter how much he wants to sign a lopsided treaty with them.

As the Obama grows old, he will bond the two rival factions with his cryogenically preserved daughters, who have been taught "The Legacy"

From Obama city, built from the collapsed lava tubes of Arsia Mons, Obama will seek to live the simple life, farming algae,  harvesting water from glaciers, creating fertilizer from human excrement, and forgetting all those earth problems he probably had a hand in creating. Putin, Trump, Clinton, the fate of the ACA, "Fast an the Furious" etc. etc. Those are earth problems for earth people, or as The Obama will pejoratively refer to them, " a bunch of  Goldilocks", who need to "quit their whining". He also occasionally makes brief cryptic transmissions whose purpose is unknown, but some believe he is trying to egg on Iran and Russia, and play into their paranoia, thus precipitating a world war, which would make Obama's Mars colony the torch barer of human civilization. If this comes to pass, it is believed he will then grow a second head, as he feels the only one worth talking to/listening to, is himself and run for the Presidency of the Galaxy.