Our President's Radical Jihadist

Oahu, Hawaii - There have been quite a few headlines in recent months blaming radical jihadist for unspeakable acts of terror, but our president refuses to equate the two, and to put it frankly, is clearly befuddled, which is not a word this writer uses lightly (unlike "fucktard", that's a favorite). To understand the president attitude and response, one must learn of the Magical Muslims of Hawaii.

Think Arabian Nights meets Baywatch, with more hash

 "Moroccan, Afghani, Pakistani, Persian, Muslim hash is good hash, I will take it any day over that euro trash bubble stuff" Says Muhammad Abed, a 47 year old radical jihadist, who is one of the premier surf instructors on Lanai

In 1994 Muhammad "Guru Danny" Abed pioneered a form of transcendental exercise combining Yoga, Sufi meditation and surfing

"Perhaps it was my anger over having two first names [chuckle] or coming from a moderate Islamic household that never challenged my rebellious side, they were constantly encouraging me to study many different strains of Islam, while still insisting I go to college, it was recipe for coming of age conflict" he added between puffs of Maui Waui " but I had some pretty dark days, before I realized the person I am truly fighting is myself."

Having met at the University of Oahu, Wadi'ah Abed now runs her own kebab shop and sells designer handbags

"So when I was 19 and making due with a C average at Hawaii University - Oahu, in Political Science of all things, even going to a rally or two, what can I say, it was the 80's and we were all worried about the environment" He said with a twinkle in his eye.

" Then, in one year, I met the two most important people in my life, one, my wife Wadi'ah, who taught me Allah could be found in the caress of a women, the smell of the ocean breeze and the first bite of a freshly baked pita, and a young  civil rights attorney visiting the romping grounds of his youth, who taught me, that with the right smile, the world can be yours."

"Bang!bama" pressing flesh with the Ummah

"It was the summer of 88', mushrooms on the beach, babes in bed, and the three of us were so high, we couldn't tell what was love, and what was lust" Muhammad said with a wistful look in his eyes as his wife lovingly, but admonishingly clucked at him while cracking an Obamaesque grin of her own.

The Honolulu Mosque, serving prayer and pancakes six times a day, four and a half stars on yelp, and it is entirely non-threatening

For the next 6- years the three would build a legendary friendship, which flowered into broader relationship with the wider Hawaiian Muslim population,

"Without Obama's insight into life and vibrancy of spirit, I doubt Guru Danny would have been able to vanquish his middle-class angst, which would have probably seen him take up accounting in Oahu, or Allah forbid, the mainland" Their neighbor Aalam Mansouri, a botanist and amateur calligrapher, and, as he will admit, an unrepentantly terrible poet, said.

" Those three helped present a modern version of Islam that was both spiritual, forgiving, and frankly, magical. Muhammad's example, the way he is so naturally himself, of the world and still a devout Muslim, in a sense, well, people want to be around him, I know of no man who has more complete control of themselves, and thoroughly vanquished his negative impulses, than Mr. Abed" He finished.

Muhammad, some times as a surf instructor, as a imam, or"Guru Danny", and other times just as a good friend, brought a kaleidoscope of characters to the Island's Muslim community, which has led to an isolated but vibrant cultural renaissance the likes of which haven't been seen since the Abbasid Caliphate, led by Muhhamud Abed, his wife, and the President he spent an entire Ramadan night surfing with, and that is what President Barack Hussein Obama thinks of when someone says "Radical Jihadist".

Note: Only Hanbali Muslims, who primarily live in the Arabian Peninsula, believe the Jihad of the sword is greater than ones internal Jihad against ones negative impulses

Obama to introduce wolves into your neighborhood

The Department of Health & Human Services has released its analysis of America's Health care spending , which has topped $10,000 for the first time with an average of $10,345 per American. The President had this to say:

"Hello, my fellow American's, as you know health care cost continue to rise, consuming more and more of our nations wealth, and as everyone made clear earlier, it would have been difficult for me to implement my death panels, as me and my Committee for public safety wanted to while drafting the ACA. We also know that some 5% of the population, the weakest, slowest, and most frail- consume the vast majority of services. Lastly, we know that gun violence is a public safety issue, and there is no reason a citizen needs a military grade weapon.

To holistically solve all three issues, while reintroducing a majestic and powerful animal, hunted to near extinction by the greed and avarice of white males, we will reintroduce massive Super-Pacs of wolves into populated areas, while simultaneously confiscating assault weapons  and any magazines over 8 rounds, this method will make the ACA viable again within one to two harsh winters. I understand Congress will try and block my efforts to bring affordable health care and hysterics based gun control to America while enhancing its biodiversity, but we must not falter we must not fail"

While many in the democratic party, at first, opposed creating a situation where vast swaths of the population would be in danger of being torn apart by packs of starving wolves whose population will balloon on unchecked deer, before entering urban environments in force, after the deer population collapses, while simultaneously disarming the public and sending a directive to all government employees to, in any interactions between humans and wolves, to let things "play out".

Sorry Grandma, you are too slow for healthcare

Of course the party got in line when Clinton reminded them that they could all disappear and their families would never know if they were alive or dead. Republicans, surprisingly or not, seemed to only take umbrage with the gun control aspect of the plan, not the release wolves into populated areas to hunt the sick, old and handicapped.

Peanutz

But still worth a chuckle

I say Pokemon NO!

Does the 13-15th Amendment apply to Pokemon?

Washington D.C. - The recent Pokemon Go craze has had idiotic people, going to idiotic places to acquire idiotic things, so naturally, these idiots, acting as such decided to play in Auschwitz and the Washington D.C. Holocaust Museums dedicated to the people murdered by a megalomaniac evil and insane monster's who wished to capture and eliminate entire races of people.

West can be seen oscillating back and forth while making  high pitched beeps, later explaining he posses natural "Jewdar", but Bernie is one of the good ones

Cornel West, who was recently bitten by a radioactive student activist, about the same time that the masked racist " The Black Panther" began checking the white privilege of random college students, and honestly, based on their teeth alone, the city tacitly agrees they are the same person, but don't want to prosecute him as a vigilante because anyone who does will be thought a racist, one of his many super powers, was questioned about the Pokemon Go phenomenon at an abandoned Bernie Sanders rally West refused to leave the podium of. West said "This is a tool of the regressive white regime to condition a new generation of race warriors to imprison and murder all African American males" before using his 300 foot vertical leap to exit the stage.