Ollie Into Heaven: The Evil Eye

Brothers and Sisters,
I have been noticing of late the drop off in the sale of our red string, a drop off in faith, a drop in how much G-d loves you, and I will not stand for it. Sure my love for you on behalf of this G-d fellow is quite extensive, but I can’t be around all night to protect you…from the Evil Eye. Its realm is dark, fetted and filled with everything a person could ever complain about, with the souls of Christians and Apostates boiling in a soup of Semen and Menstrual blood, with harems of demonic shiksa wenches dancing around his 360 degree’s of visual malice, a place, that without proper protection you are all doomed to. There are those deceptive souls who will tell you that the Evil Eye is just an idea, that it is just an expression of the danger the Envy of those not equally blessed pose to those who have known good, an expression to ward off boisterous talk one might engage in the presence of embittered people. People who say such things are the agents of the eye.
I know the eye is real.
Years ago, before becoming the spiritual megalith you see before you I craved many things, things left unfulfilled do to my G-dless ways, before my awesome vision of Big R and the Material girl, things I thought would come to me if only I could become a true bluesmen. Having buried a autographed photograph of my hero Elijah Muhammad, the bones of a black cat, and box of my nail clippings at a Mississippi crossroad, he came to me. Giant and mercurial, throbbing darkness, as I cursed myself for leaving my surfing Hamsa at home, its glare burned into my being, revealing my mistakes, my sins, just generally being judgmental and making me feel uncomfortable with myself, which in the end is the greatest sin of all.
Well then I sobered up, but I will always remember my night with the Eye, and how useful the symbol of universal observation is, how little of ourselves we show in good taste, and how uncomfortable it is for others to see ones true self.
And as I look out onto this crowd of sinners, thieves, pederasts, and wealthy donors I see a lot that people wish to hide, that people need protection from, things that they would hate the community finding out about, things that they can keep hidden with a small donation and a few dollars worth of red string. So as you browse our gift shop remember, security isn’t the only thing watching…