Sanders suggests the nominee be chosen by hot dog eating contest

While he would like to win the nomination by eating more hot dogs than Mrs. Clinton, he is also, pretty, pretty, pretty good at log rolling 

Sanders, feeling the Bern of losing, has suggested a range of contests that he excels at and which give him a high probability of winning the nomination. Political analysts cite his failure to win electorally as the key motivator for this shift in strategy, they also think that he is focusing on eating contest after the media broke stories of gastrointestinal distress, which are heartbreaking and grotesque, for both Trump and Clinton . Other analysts believe he is trying to woo super-delegates with a display raw power, equal to, but different than that of getting more than 50% of Democratic voters to decide they want you to represent them in office, also putting forth such ideas as who can hold their breath longer, who knows more presidential trivia, and an open invitation to punch him in the gut, as long as you don't hold back..Others feel that all other contests are just a way of obfuscating his true hearts desire, the hot dog eating contest. As we reported not to long ago, Sanders was nearly killed by an evil folk creature, who happened to be a 6 foot tall hot dog comedian, and this might be his way to show the world he does not live in fear. Whatever the reason, no one is going for it and it just looks sad, and hopeful, idealistic and plucky, but not winning, not that.

Hillary Clinton suffering from chronic implosive diarrhea

Woman gives such a shit it ricochets back 

The former first lady is in the early stages of septic psychosis, with her body seemingly redistributing, instead of evacuating her waste, which has found its way into her blood stream, major organs and brain, to put it bluntly, she is full of shit. The situation first came to light when Clinton was attending a black lives matter event, what was at first thought to be tears for the inner city African American"Super-Predator" youth's lost childhood, but was instead a frothy brown discharge burbling from the corners of her eyes. While still contending for the united states presidency and for council seat at the new world order,  despite the rising levels of ammonia and other feces related chemicals in the blood stream, explaining " I have made a pact, a dark pact, one which, as a women, I don't believe I should be shamed for making, nor should I have to explain it to unconsecrated chattel", though deliberately ambiguous perhaps such a pact could explain the hideous crone shambling with her in public and occasionally letting her blood while chanting in runic German and vulgar Latin.

Filthy hobbitts, promise Sanders will come back more powerful than ever

After witnessing the aging Senator tumble into an endless chasm while wrestling with a pro-Hillary Balrog to try and protect those rallying for him in San Francisco, the Hobbit known as Reid promised the Wizardly Senator would return to bring hope to man. 

The Balrog hissing and screaming something about the 2nd Amendment and being  a mom, before the two grappled into the Abyss

While still unwilling to consider nominating him or stand up for mankind against unspeakable darkness, he has stated “He’s coming back to the Senate. I think that he has the ability to be a tremendously more powerful senator in our caucus than he was,” while absentmindedly puffing on pipe-weed and thinking of the coney stew he had prepared for Elevenses. The Reid went on to say " he can be something much more than what he was" and noting that he had already run through most of his campaign funds while Hillary has been actively recruiting armies of Haradrim from the East and a vast pirate Armada she says will be needed to defeat Trump in November, but then why has she incited the Hill People to war and begun breeding her own Uruk Hai? I ask you that!