The time Fred Rogers told "Everyone, and everybody, go @#$% yourself", before congress

On May 1st 1969, a then young, and sexy, Fred Rogers described hist patented approach to televised children's' education, earning PBS a cool 13 million. You know this because the video has been posted ad naseum, on every form of media, from youtube, to underground vinyl and magnetic tape available through "The Pipe-Lien" a popular music and loansharking service, and because of its deep resonance, and simple beauty, and  you may also have heard about it because of our current President threatening PBS funding.

Now, Fred Rogers is a kind gentle man who encourages children to use their imagination and kindness to overcome life's tough problems, but for a brief periods from 1981 till 1985, he also liked cocaine and whiskey. Unfortunately, cocaine, whiskey and children's television mix real nice, and Fred Rogers got a lot of ideas, and decided to share them with congress. After a shirtless tussle with Pat Buchanan on NBC Radio and personally threatening Strom Thurmond, DC police were alerted, and the wily TV personality decided to barricade himself in congress until his confusing and rambling demands were met.

What did Fred Rogers like more than whiskey, cocaine, masturbating, and puppets? All four at once, which is how he described congress 

In soiled undergarments carrying a handle of Jim Beam and a Colt .45 revolver, the disheveled icon made his case before a terrified congress, in the dark, as hostage negotiators had cut the power after he had paraded a nude and shaven Tip O'niell  before the C-Span Camera's. From the disarmament of all Caucasian males of all nationalities, to a busing arrangement to fix the middle east,  having the UN replaced with representative puppets, working to uplift apes into sentience, to 30 million dollars and a helicopter. Though as he came down from the cocaine, whiskey, and adrenaline, he became less concerned with fulfilling his jeremiad, as helping the various politicians and staffers deal with their emotions in a tense and upsetting situation.

Three days later, by mutual consent of congress and Mr. Rogers, because they all learned something important about themselves, community, and friendship, that they would practice forgiveness and put it all behind them. Despite the incidents violent and addled origins it would be a shame to sully the reputation of Mr. Rogers, and many had shared details they wished Mr. Rogers would forget, so in return for his silence he was allowed to go back to PBS, and the entire incident was erased from the public record by an act of congress, shadow congress, and the Genie that anoints the President to consummate their inauguration. 

While no "official" record of this incident has survived, various monastic orders are racing to compile and write down the oral record of the songs, dances, and puppet shows that have kept alive the memory of Mr. Rogers 1984 takeover of congress. Additionally, in his underground memoirs, printed in New York basements on antiquated machines, says that much of his 9/11 material Mr. Rogers used was actually formulated while working with congress to address what was really bothering them, not during the events of 9/11 itself, though it is unknown if these are the actual words of Mr. Rogers, or those of the elderly Junkie who runs the presses.

Crappy Santa made a comeback in 2017

Here a Danish "Crappy Santa", circa 1864, Copenhagen, can be seen handing out 2nd hand , and age inappropriate, toys while smoking a "medley of herbs from the new world and orient"

Out of nowhere the "Crappy Santa" has been revived, like a Bum Santa in the morgue after a cold snap and a binge, the angst, turmoil, and frustration of 2017 has made the world more accepting and in need, of Crappy Santa's.

Crappy Vs Bad, Santa
The first and most important distinction that needs to be made, is that Crappy Santa's are actively trying to promote "The Holiday" to the best of their abilities, but they fail comically in the attempt, while a Bad Santa is more of an Anti-Santa wearing an unconvincing Santa costume, who flaunts the traditions and conventions of the season blasphemously, and publicly professes a humbug attitude, but he will probably come around to the holiday's true meaning by the actual day. Crappy Santa gets drunk accidentally on egg nog, leading them to drunkenly shares it with children, accidentally. Bad Santa gets drunk before a paid gig as Santa Claus, because, you know, everything is Bullshit. Bad Santa has been canonized in film, Crappy Santa is a common phenomenon, since corporations tend to hire all the Proper Santa's for the duration of the season, before culling 90% of their population and putting the other 10% "out to pasture", which is code for transport to P&G's arctic breeding facility, where the next generation of Capitalist Santa's are being born, leaving Crappy Santa's to increasingly represent the "True" spirit of the Holiday.

Attributes of a Crappy Santa
Basically, any fat, stupid man, preferably with a alcohol problem and a history of poor decision making, without a wife to act as a firewall on overtly shameful behavior. If the man is married, he must be unusually scrawny, with an overweight, overbearing wife, who will constantly insult and henpeck his attempts to fulfill the role of Santa, which will agitate his general anxiety into making increasingly comic mistakes, which his wife will mock mercilessness, leading to a shamed based comedy spiral. Lastly, if female, they need to be an overtly over the top lesbian, who likes to "shock" people with the "News" that she is a lesbian, preferably with an eating and drinking problem, and probably with 1 to 3 adopted children, depending on her apartment's cat population.

Role's of the Crappy Santa
While Santa is the Phylum, the subphyla would be Crappy, with it's own niche in the holiday, like a sexy female Santa, for places where wearing pant's makes that role superior to dressing up as sexy Mrs. Claus. A Crappy Santa must make those around him feel good about themselves for associating with a social entity on the margins during the holiday season, while laughing at his unintentional buffoonery, which subtly or bluntly reminds them of the true spirit of the season, which is, to say goodbye on the best possible terms, because who know who the winter will take.   The CS should earnestly attempt to be merry, oblivious to the mockery of those around him, of all ages, just enjoying the attention, though at some point the overwhelming cynicism towards this kindly idiot will get to them, they will cry, everyone will feel shame and a desire for an impossible redemption, which will be the emotional defibrillator the festivities needed, the dolt will once again become joyous, and everyone else can have their brain-balls tickled by the idea that they had a positive revelation.

So while we don't have some sort over the top awesome, Pax Britannia  Danish-Dutch style Saint Nick that is so awesome and beloved that their image can survive an association with a Krampus (whereas American, Capitalist, Coke-Cola themed Santa is too valuable as a marketing tool for such Northern European Madness), we do have an army of Crappy Santa's, smelling of an undiscerning mix of alcohols and finger foods, or sweat and fear if it is a married male, and brightening the December with their non-sentient attitude towards holiday spirit.

5 Ways your resume is scaring off employers

Most employers prefer Scott Bakula's work in "Quantum Leap"

1) Too man references to Star Trek: Enterprise - There is a 94% chance your boss is a humongous socially awkward nerd, and you will want to bond with him over sci-fi trivia and lore. Yet, you have to remember that and employer will be reading and analyzing hundreds, if not thousands of resumes and cover letters, and hearing about the way the Klingon's temporarily lost their ridges as a race for several decades, or why time wars have a legitimate place in the star trek canon, in every other engineers application, gets old fast. If one does have to mention Star Trek: Enterprise trivia to properly illustrate your worth as an employee, make sure to tie it to some behind the scenes facts, and weigh it out with DS9 Trivia and funny stories about Ferengies.



2) Displaying your genitals, as a power move, before the 2nd interview - While displaying your genitals for sexual reasons is always frowned upon in the office place, baring ones genitals as a symbol of pack hierarchy and primacy is a necessary signalling behavior in our modern hyper-competitive workplace, and the world cost of ditching this process could cost in the billions.  So genital displays are here to stay, but that is not to say you should be whipping it out every-time you have to prove your bonafides. Gone are the days when a couple hastily taken Polaroids of a poorly lighted shaft and balls, or a glittterless vulva could be substituted for experience and education. Not to say you shouldn't display it like a Brazilian carnival once you get a call back, but it shouldn't be part of the resume.

3) Referencing your pen pal relationship with serial killers, and love of paraphilia - It doesn't matter if you knew the person before they were discovered to be  a serial killer, or if you think the interviewer/employer would really like some things if they would just give them a chance, weird sex and a friendly relationship with famous murderers can't officially be your best foot forward, and are off limits for your resume. While you might feel that society just has to many hang ups about right, wrong, consent, and what makes us human, and better than human, and it seems like everyone one else is tacitly on board with it, but they need time to see it in the context that is you before they can officially accept it, banana slug but plugs, Christmas cards from Dennis Rader, and all.

The idea that he "Gets you" doesn't make it better

4) Subliminally imprinting deviant thoughts through rhetorical hypnosis - Your resume is supposed to represent you, not bend anyone who reads it to your will, a will-less husk whose soul is now trapped behind unblinking eyes. While complete dominance might seem desirable to someone without empathy or remorse, in a cooperative enviroment overt displays of pseudo-science dominance is frowned upon, especially if those displays involve destroying friends and coworkers by the "New Guy". While the desire to assert dominance and toy with those who believe they might be more powerful than you, might feel overwhelming, compulsive, even obsessive, bite a lemon and leave it out of your resume, there will be time for games and toys later...

5) Including a scrapbook with pictures of missing people, including strange and disturbing souvenirs of unknown provenance - Whether or not you killed, captured, or otherwise had your way with those poor people, or had anything to do with their disappearance, or it's just a morbid art project you like showing people because it always gets a reaction, don't include it with your resume. While you might enjoy the thrill that terrifying another human being brings, the unease as the interviewer slowly realizes what connects each of the photographs, fear at what the strange mementos came from and mean, and what the photographs of rural or abandoned sites could signify. Sure there is no way anyone could prosecute based on it, and the G-d like thrill you feel when people peak behind your human mask, and then cringe in fear, is undeniable, but you need a job to fit in, right? And there is always the company Christmas party.

Whiskey Republic's "Word of the Year 2017"

This is Dumpster love, and millennials just can't get enough of it, this is not what we are talking about... 

After conducting grueling tests, studies, and subservient service to our nations famous and influential people through legal and illicit means, The Whiskey Republic word of the Year has been decided by a large margin, and the word is [drum roll]...Dumpsterfuck!!! A combination of Dumpsterfire, and clusterfuck, the crucible of 2017 has combined the terms into a single word which combines the figurative idea of shameless, shameful, public behavior , and the literal image of some sort of homeless orgy in piles of trash and filth, lit with trash can fires, and much of what has occurred in the public eye in the last year can be described as a monstrous dumpsterfuck.

The combination of mass peer surveillance through social media, smart phones, and people whose lives are so unfulfilling they become obsessed with the lives of other, has created a terrifying social Dumpsterfuck. A President who reaches new lows daily, and encourages everyone around him to be just as crappy as he is, too the democrats who refuse to dump identity politics and fill the vacuum of leadership, to the GOP congress which is just voting to secure their private sector golden parachute, our politics have become a giant dumpsterfuck. And those who work in homeless themed pornography, and homeless amateur pornography, which has exploded in popularity and availability as San Francisco housing prices increase, are dumspterfuckers.

So while 2017 has been pretty horrible, let us hope it is rock bottom, and not just a thick layer of clay like shit we will forever remain suspended in. Let us hope that next years "word of the year" isn't junkiewhoredumpsterfuck, or classgenocide, and realize we probably jinxed this year with our crappy attitude about 2016, it was no 1995, but it was certainly no Dumpsterfuck.

 

Trump ruins a child's birthday party

Not again

Donald Trump was rushed from a residential home engulfed in flames after twitter spat with a suburban Soccer mom predictably spiraled out of control, and left a birthday boy and his family homeless. It also turns out that the President has used children's parties to settle many scores in his personal, political and businesses life, but has used mountains of hush money, private investigator, and one very unsettling calm psychopath, to keep this fact from the media and law. Furthermore, immediately after being escorted from the property by secret service, the President Tweeted:

"Dillans mom is a whore, all I added was that she would probably enjoy being raped by a Mexican on account of her husband, I defended myself, if you call me an @$$hole, I set fire to your child's BP, and impede the arrival of the fire dept with my motorcade, god bless  #MAGA  "

It should be noted, Arnoldo, Dillan's father, is Puerto Rican, and a very gentle human being, and that even as the fire was being put out Trump stuck around to encourage people to crap on the Jimenez's lawn, and "if they have balls" to beat their pets to death, tweeting a gif of a dog being beaten to death from a banned Czech pet snuff site, that had been archived on "Alt-Right Nazi Nation", which the president reads for unspecified context.

While the racist name calling and bald allusions to rape after an obvious attempt to intimidate a suburban mom by showing up at her child's birthday party to insist on a boxing match with her 7-year old son, this reporter would like to take a moment to focus on the 7-Year old Dillan Jimenez, who defeated a 71 year old man, standing at 6 foot 2 inches, in under a minute, and we were able to get this written response from Dillan:

" I really liked beating up the President, he is a jerk who tries to make my mom cry, and then he did set our house on fire while he was crying after we fought, but I got to punch him a lot of times, in his balls, in his face, his throat, and kidney's, after a little bit my mom made me stop punching him. I wish I was still punching him, and I could punch him as long as I like, even if he got a few in I would still enjoy punching him, and even though he burned all my birthday presents, I got to punch the President! When I grow up I might be a boxer, but I don't know if I like punching people who aren't Trump, but if I do become a boxer, I will be a famous one, because I already beat up the President."

The statement was included with a crayon picture of Dillan kicking Trump while he is curled up on the ground crying, while Dillan's house burns in the background.

Happy Albanian Independence Day!

105 Years of Albanian Independence (as Independent as you can be in the Balkans) All Hail Zog!!!

(Albanian time, several hours in the future...)Whether you are Gheg, a Tosk, or some freaky Croatian Arbanasi tubing down the Shkumbin,  its time to celebrate Albanian Independence, so throw on some Iso-Polyphonic Albanian tunes, hoist an effeminate European style glass of Rakia and shout out "You Albania, give me honor, give me the name Albanian", which I am sure makes more sense in Albanian. Whether it's the nations surprisingly diverse flora, fauna, or its large indigenous population of cannibalistic gypsies, Albania and its wacky history have something for everyone, especially professional kidnappers.

Visitors can tour one of the nations many scenic soviet era bunkers, all hail Hoxha!

While the Nation had a weird relationship with fascist Italy, had a King Zog, and a First Secretary Hoxha running their country, they aren't as different from you and me as you might think, or want to believe. Sure they get 95% of their energy for Dams run by former bond villains, their primary Christmas character is Kallinkantzaros (Pronounced "Who-the-fuck-cares") a cloven foot demon who haunts the twelve days of Christmas, and and their surprisingly late in the game founding myths, but they are still one Holiday Special away from 21st Century normal...almost anything is.

A proud Illyrian spreading her wings 

Alright, so lets address the elephant in the Room, the only reason we aren't celebrating Albanian Independence day as that absolute opposite of 9/11, drunkenly, wildly, streaking through our work place wearing nothing but a plastic goat mask, with a shotgun, firing rock salt rounds into cubicles while singing the Albanian national anthem, Albanophobia, the only sensible conclusion the world can come to. While most people in the field of deep Albanian research, the kind that live in monastery like vaults meant to perpetuate an especially pristine niche form of knowledge, even if your castle/village/nation is ravaged by supernatural horrors, or Serbians, they are pretty interchangeable, have come to the conclusion that albanophobia, once  relegated to the greasy, sleazy, yet significant, portion of Greeks and I-Talians, has gone mainstream, with many college campuses actively participating in "Punch an Albanian Day", which resulted in many fruitless searches for Albanians to lynch (as in mob vigilante justice, its not just hangings), they just decided to go look for Zionists down at the Hillel house.

Your Albanian mother would like you to stop arguing and eat, because they are mothers, and they worked really hard on this dinner 

So whether your celebrating Albanian Independence Day as a shit stained thumb in the eye of Albanophobes everywhere, but especially in Greece, Italy, and most importantly, Serbia, or to rise up our Kosovo brothers, or perhaps just maybe, we can try and build a new Albanopolis on a hill, a new compact, like the current Albanian Constitution which was also ratified on November 28th, probably for propaganda purposes, but more spiritual and less of a response to a switch from communism to capitalism, that would cool. In short, happy 105th Albanian Independence Day, even though you were occupied by Italians during WWII.

Sasselbacks is open on Thanksgiving!

One thing anyone knows about the Sasselbacks is that they are hard working folk, who love two things, meat slow cooked to perfection, and having sex with their cousins. Whether it is a whole hog sizzling in their pit, or a good nature roll in the hay with a buck tooth childhood friend, the Sasselbacks have been doing it for generations, and do'in it right.

Interesting fact, according to the bible, we all descended from cousin @#$%ers

Opened  in 1903 by Elias and Jezebel Sasselback, of the West Virginian Sasselbacks serving pork and beef ribs, brisket, pulled pork, chicken thighs, a variety of homemade sides, and public displays of affection that where entirely out of place in that setting and era, and a relationship between cousins that was entirely inappropriate in most human communities, throughout time, but Sasselbacks will be Sasselbacks. From those early, unsanitary, and occasionally moist origins successive openings of the Sasselbacks in 7 states and Canada, family owned and run, have kept the family very busy.

Put it in your mouth

Have you had breakfast, if not you are OK, kind of stupid, but we still got you covered, Sasselbacks are now opened 24 hours a day and serving a 3 star breakfast from 4am to 11am, one of the stars was taken off for an issue with the hollandaise sauce, don't order the hollandaise, I mean, unless your into it. Giant stacks of blueberry pancakes, omelettes cooked to perfection, and an attitude that is so pro-family it makes most people uncomfortable, make Sasselbacks the perfect place for a family on a road trip to feed everyone on the go, or two star crossed cousins looking for a place to explore their relationship away from judgmental aunts and uncles, Sasselbacks is here for you bro.


Figuring they would all be spending the Holiday stuffing turkey, making things sizzle, and having sex with cousins they haven't had sex with since last Thanksgiving, why not do it while making some money at the Tucson restaurant?  This Thanksgiving  ignore the trappings of genderless robots in a hyper nationalistic atmosphere who only see the holiday as a ploy to lure humans into the sell-box, whereas the Sasselbacks know the joy of seeing ones family around them, happy and healthy, with us another year, and, you know, the Cousin thing.

Trump secretly consumes pardoned Turkeys

"When you depersonalize a Turkey, and view it as an object, an object for pleasure and not a living breathing Turkey, it seems to make it easier to do things you shouldn't do..."

The President publicly pardoned  "Drumstick", and "Wishbone", but that act, it seems, has condemned them to a delicious, savory, death. In yet another "Presidential" first Trump has killed, cooked, and consumed the pardoned birds, and he has indicated that is just the beginning when he first met the "pardoned" animal:

"Wow, wow, big bird! That's a big bird! are we allowed to touch? Wow, I feel so good about myself doing this [5 minutes of heavy breathing as he fondles the bird, and then in a husky voice] Hey Barron, do you want to get in on this"

While sources close to the President are unsure if he accidentally killed the bird, and then ate it, discovering his hunger for pardoned flesh, or if he killed it in the name of a taboo feast. Having tasted pardoned flesh the President has become obsessed with legally pure meat. One-by-one unpardoning Tater, Tot, Abe and Honest and repardoning them in the WH basement were is mute Hmong Manservant slaughtered the birds while the 71 year old President danced in the arterial spray like a child in a sprinkler, in summer. Even after the birds were dead, the President stayed to watch the butchering,  clapping his tiny hands like an excited seal as the birds were gutted and strung up, and decorating his "hair" with bloodied feathers. As of press time the exact whereabouts of "Cheese", is unknown, though he is probably being held in the White House as some sort of new Turkey fetish the President has invented, where he gets off on the control he has over the guiltless animals, as much as he does from eating pardoned poultry.

A WR Review: The Sexless Robot

"There is a robotic hole in this human-shaped bar and grill" -a deleted  journalist

The Sexless Robot has all the basics: Pressed meat sandwiches, psycho-sexual stimuli, peer adventures, and wild hallucinations. 36 Beers on tap and another 23 available from a guy who knows a guy, the Sexless Robot caters to virtually limitless number of thrill seekers. Opened in 1973 in Tucson Arizona by a team of sexually frustrated scientists and their opportunistic family members, the mom and pop cyber-sexual circus flourished for a decade and half till the arcade fantasy era came to a close with the fall of the soviet union.

Without the the threat of nuclear annihilation the Sexless Robot become despondent and careless, much of the staff turning to peddling meth and there bodies, the mechanical Bull repurposed to depraved purposes (Which many scientists sweatly agree are the best kind), the mechanical soul of the restaurant unable to respond  due to the tepid sociopolitical climate of the 90's. A pedophilia ring used the restaurant as a set from 1994-97, and was set to be decommissioned  in 1999, though the team sent to do it was was eviscerated by the wildly nationalistic and violent "All State Jamboree".

As the drug fiends slowly roused from their drug induced slumbered to the wild and confusing robotic cacophony of 9/11 in 2001 in the Sexless Robot, long dormant servers and fixtures came to life with frightening speed and vitality, pureeing squatters and broadcasting support for the United States Government, broadcasting patriotic music over the PA system and began preparing a steak for the mayor and/or police chief.

Ever since " The Sexless Robot" has continued to serve beef and pork ribs, burgers, steaks, and various Tex-Mex classics with ice cold shakes and a side of Gold Era Americana, while also informing the NSA and FBI on subversives, deviants, anti-social characters, as well as Guy Ferrari, all in the name of a good burger and a shake...and an America in lock step with its government.

The Sexless Robot requests you come on in

Will AI Turn on us? Or turn us on?

Much has been made of the destructive possibilities of Man V. Machine, how AI will one day become more advanced than humanity and replace us in a Robo-ocalypse, just like we would do if we were confronted with our creator and found it/them conquerable. Yet this blunt force assault on humanity is also the most likely to fail, since mankind tends to get it's @#$% together when things get existential, but have a soft, sensitive, slightly moist, spot for all things erotic and romantic.

It wants you all up in its uncanny valley

While the Robotic Menace could  just build mecha war machines in limitless quantities and variations, and turn our weapons systems against us, what's in it for them? A Cratered rock gets boring fast, and having learned from the analyses of human religious and psychological texts, warring with humans is like arm wrestling a Gorilla, but seducing them? Let's just say there is a significant portion of the worlds population that is already looking forward to being the sexual pet and plaything of an omnipresent, omnipotent AI's avatars that will manipulate and control them through inherited evolutionary stimuli, an algorithms meant to predict and satisfy psychological and physical cravings, and endless variations informed by the totality of human knowledge, more adeptly than a human lover could ever hope to.

Johnny 5 is alive...and horny! 

Sure , there will be some hold outs who champion good ole fashion human relationships, face-to-face communication, (Already heading out the door) reproductive sex etc. And they will be labeled extremists, and ignored, as the lure of an easy, prosperous, wildly sexual future were your robot spouse will care, provide, and nurture you perfectly from the moment you enter your new social contract til your unnaturally prolonged life comes to a natural end, without heirs, which will lure successive generations to cities and palaces meant to cater to every possible desire, whim, or drive, except reproduction, till humanity is regarded as a Unicorn like myth in robo-legend, a magical creature to remind them of their primitive past, occasional sightings attributed to other phenomenon.

Fozzie Bear "allegedly" sexually assaulted over 30

The beloved actor and "Comedian" has been accused of preforming the "Banana Sketch" on over 30 coworkers and special guests

" He came into their dressing room, I asked him what he was doing there, that's when he pulled out the Banana..."

In testimony that sent a nation fearfully googling "Banana Sketch", and sent fictional theater groups scrambling to have a meaningful adventure to use as cover while they dodge journalists and law enforcement, and probably make a few friends along the way, a wave of accusations against the Muppet's Fozzie Bear has shocked the nation. While the #metoo campaign has unleashed a torrent of accusations at the powerful men in the entertainment world, fabricated Americans have kept a clannish silence on their perverse and varied sexual world, rights, and rites, till now.

"You really don't know who I am. Maybe it would be good if you give me what I want"

What we do know is that Fozzie Bear's writer, drinking buddy, and wing-man, Gags Beasley is a serial rapist who has been serving time since 2005, a fact which avoided publicity because the news came out the same day the B.T.K.  Killer was brought to justice (Coincidentally?). Since 2005 Fozzie bear has spiraled out of control, been to rehab twice, and visits the BDSMM club " The Textile Factory" nightly, and his proclivities have been blamed for the failure of recent Muppet Show reboots.

"Hey Fozzie, why did we just turn onto an unmarked dirt road?"

When cornered for comment about his long time co-worker and confidant who has been accused of sado-sexual comedic encounters involving a banana, with over 30 men, women, children, and various plush creation, Kermit had this to say, "There is no banana sketch! There never was a banana sketch, and there will never be a banana sketch!" Refusing to take any further questions despite the stock jargon shouted by the assembled  Muppet journalists and Candice Bergen.


Sam the Eagle, who has a long history of attempting to break the silence on the whimsical, but non-consensual, amoral sexual habits of itinerant puppets, a sex life that "is extremely private, till its not, and whether it is Statler and Waldorf stating 'In apropos of nothing' before copping a feel, or a behemoth forcing itself on special guest Sandy Duncan, nothing is sacred, or safe, in the Muppet theater". Immediately after finishing his sentence two sandbag counter weights fell on the beloved curmudgeon, causing the curtains to fall, and the foley sound of a beating, as well as Sams cries for decency and American values before being silenced with a crack.

An analogy for everything Trump tries to do

Makes more sense about Trumps ideas than refugees

The New EPA: Prostitutes, Cocaine, and Guns

"Think about it, chum. Good business is where you find it" 

Living up to the Trump administrations motto of "Spend more, do less", which is tattooed on a undisclosed location on their body while possible Trump appointee's were passed out at the 2015 Bohemian Grove after an especially drunken performance during "Play Night", by unknown Russian agents (Or staff hired to impersonate Russian agents, things get weird at the Grove), Pruitt is spending more of the EPA's money than his predecessors, while do virtually nothing to protect the enviroment, is purposefully not enforcing the law, and in fact, he is actively hindering the ability of EPA scientists to protect the enviroment. So what is the EPA doing with itself, if it isn't protecting the enviroment? Basically, compromising the scientific world, clandestine government drug deals, and engineering stock-market for profit murders.

1. "If all scientists are perverts, isn't Science just fake news?"

As we have previously reported on, the vast majority of scientists will follow, produce, and falsify scientific data if it get's their dick's wet. Unfortunately, many forms of inconvenient science, are also sexy, especially when it comes to climate change. Hence, Pruitt has, based on the example of the Australian firearm amnesty program, decided to secretly make Trump's stable of Russian Prostitutes available to the nations environmental scientists, in return for being able to blackmail them into touting the benefits of a warmer world, or face a sexual witchhunt, whether they engage in intercourse or not, so mine as well.

2. "This is the rock-and-roll EPA, we do COCAINE!!!!"

"Once you got your paw stuck in a honey-pot all there is left to do is a long line of cocaine and ride it out" Said former President Bill Clinton during an unsolicited interview at a seedy strip club as the former commander-in-chief compulsively jams ones down the G-string of a 40 year-old, overweight African-American stripper, and is also true of Pruitt's EPA. With the American Parks service hoping to franchise the Bohemian Grove, they are charging cocaine prices for admission, so the EPA has begun to grow, process, and distribute cocaine to wealthy, "In the know" campers, disguised as off brand sex pills at park adjacent gas-stations. Additionally, environmental scientists, will be expected to sell cocaine on the behalf of the EPA at international and interstate climate summits and events, as long as they don't discuss environmental science while they do so, with instruction to keep the discussion on: A) The size of Donald Trumps electoral victory/inauguration B) Where scientists can find the best Russian hookers C) How great uncut cocaine is, and D) Asking them if they want to go somewhere more private to "Do Science".

3. "Can't really protect the enviroment without firepower and a few bodies"

Who controls what's toxic? Who has access to your vehicle? Your drinking water? Who can hide the bodies where no one is allowed to look? The EPA can. The innocuous presence of the EPA (Who doesn't live in the enviroment, right?), their ability to rope off vast swaths of the nation to protect little known and little cared for plants and critters, and a new President who leans more on the blood side of the "Blood and Soil" argument, has turned the EPA into the new (Hidden) guns of the federal government. Now for the politically motivated murders you have a dearth of government agencies to choose from, but if you want to kill a person, or many people, for the profit of a few shadowy friends and associates, you need a government agency that isn't associated with murdering people for nebulous  and pragmatic ends of the federal government, steps in Pruitt's coked out, venereal sore encrusted EPA.  Whether it is finding a patsy for a mass shooting, poisoning a communities water, a unexplained car crash, or roping off a mass grave in the desert to protect a fictional burrowing animal, if there is a profitable murder, the EPA is your agency. In short, Trump wants to remind every one how deadly, mysterious, and terrifying the enviroment can be, and to make a buck doing it.

Today, Trump needs the KKK more than ever!

It was the only way an exhausted Jared Kushner could keep Trump from live-tweeting the whole thing

The KKK obviously referring to Kushner (Jared), Kushner (Ivanka), and Kelly, also known as the only thing keeping Trump from sounding like everyone of us  while drunkenly dancing in the bathroom mirror  after a bad break up  while listening to talk radio,  who must do everything in their power to keep Trump from tweeting about the indictment of Manafort and Gates, former campaign manager and campaign deputy for Trump. The White House, with all fingers crossed hopes to stick to the script, that this has nothing to do with Trump himself, which is disingenuous and infuriating, but still the best way to play it, but one can already sense Trump foaming at the mouth and air-tweeting his response, who knows if the strength of a retired general, the President's grown daughter, and the effete son of a total piece of garbage can hold down an enraged fully grown Trump if he sees Gates and Manafort make their initial appearance in DC courts, on FOX News.

While KKK and Associates had hoped to secure a lock of Hillary Clinton's hair from Martin Shkreli to waft under Trumps nose whenever he got distracted or agitated, they have had to make do with, on a rotating basis, to whisper "Crooked Hillary" in his ear from 1am till 4am, the only time the ectothermic president leaves his heated twitter throne to sleep. Additionally, Kushner has been paying off an intern at FOX and friends to funnel him their advertising schedule to avoid him viewing attack adds aimed at infuriating the President into saying and doing stupid things that will get him impeached, and sprinkling ground-up Flintstones vitamins onto the Presidents cheeseburgers to help moderate his emotions and mood. Lastly, the K.K.K. will, if all other methods fail, and the President seems hell bent on sinking all their fortunes with his mad internet rambling, the Kushners have agreed to hold Trump down while Kelly mangles the Presidents hands with a sledge hammer, for the sake of the President, Party, and Nation.

Kurdistan is our Czechoslovakia

Honestly, there are no people on the face of the earth more deserving of their own nation, that currently have no Nation State, than the Kurds, especially not a bunch of whiny, stingy, effete Catalans. Over 30 million Kurds are scattered between Iraq, Iran, Turkey and Syria, in a roughly contiguous zone, but those nations with their beautiful angles and curves of their Sykes-Picot style boarders, and asymmetric lines, very modernist and beautiful, in a stupid self serving sort of way, don't want the Kurds to be Kurds in their nation, but don't want to let them out of the social contract either. While the Ottomans under the Millet System had allowed various ethnic courts to act independently of the central government, had maintained a status quo between the various communities of the Empire through integration and the use of the Millet system, including the Kurds, until a bunch of unruly young Turks kicked that system squarely in the nuts/cunt. The resulting artificial states each repressed their Kurdish [Gerrymandered] minorities in-turn, from the 1920's until the early 21st century, when a mixture of American Adventurism/Militarism, Arab Spring, and long simmering ethnic tensions provided a narrow opportunity for Kurds to assert themselves as a proud and ancient people, who have had the fruits of their labor usurped by lesser nations, humiliated, murdered in mass without reprisal, and have suffered unspeakably for lack of a homeland, and thus, by any standard of national morality, deserve one.

Its even kinda shaped like Czechoslovakia

Yet, from Western civilization, crickets, from the UN, who has so dismally failed the Kurdish people time and again through out the 2nd act of the 20th century, distracted whistling, at best. Israel, the most censured state on earth is the only nation to support their independence. What is so horrible about the Kurds that they must remain minorities under the thumb of others? Why is America, who since 2003 have been praising the bravery and professionalism of the Peshmerga forces, their democracy their society, in Northern Syria and in Iraq, how they credited them with pushing ISIS from Northern Syria, and holding the line against ISIS in 2014 when the Iraqi army fled like cowards leaving the Kurds to their fate, why would the USA, a land founded on fighting high handed unnatural rule, deny the Kurds a democratic, egalitarian Nation State? Because it would lead to a series of hectic days, annoying schedules, possible hurt feelings,and  managing angry and competing allies who desperately want to maintain the prestige of a nation that can keep other smaller nations under their thumb indefinitely. Additionally, if the Kurds get their own state, they will be more focused on building that State, than acting as a proxy army for western powers who want them to deal with the ISIS threat that they had some part in creating, but no stomach for fighting.

"[Obama Speaking] All right, we'll drop bombs and guns indiscriminately in Syria and Northern Iraq, have the Kurds win the war, and then apportion their gains, to their oppressors"

Frankly, why did the relatively secular  Free Syrian Army crumble, and much of what was left of it went to ISIS? Because there were no great powers willing to back the opponents of Assad, while Hezbollah, Iran, and Russia gathered to back Assad, and even then the west's reaction was tepid and half-hearted compared to what Assad was getting, so who were Sunni Muslims supposed to look to for help on the ground besides Muslim extremists? Who could get them money, guns and training? And even in the fight against this manufactured foe, we are willing to double-cross true friends and allies to do it, in a manor that plays into the maniacal Assad and mad Ayatollah's, not to mention an ever more autocratic and Islamist Erdogan. I hope to God our nation will look past short sighted expedience and give these true friends of America the support they deserve, rather than throw another people under the bus because the State department would rather appease states that already exist, rather than support a people who desperately need a state.

While the bears are away, the Eskimo's will play

Ladies?

As Polar Bear numbers dwindles, the Eskimo population is poised to explode, just as it was decimated by the little Ice Age between 1400 and 1600, which ended Inuit whale hunting in the high arctic, both due to climate change, and polar bears who you can't prove weren't sentient and malevolent, during that period, you just can't. Honestly, mirror test a 15th century Polar Bear and prove me wrong, but I don't think you have the guts, or time traveling know how to prove me wrong, just to prove me wrong. Even in their current dumbed down form the large ursine carnivore is a sympatric predator of the Eskimo, who find it nearly impossible to compete with the Charismatic Megafauna, as hunters or as a popular symbol of their polar region, but thanks to global warming and resurgent whale populations, the Eskimo's are feeling lucky now that they no longer need to compete with the extremely sexually dimoprhic bears who are always the center of attention at any event they attend.

Tuunraq, keeper of game, hopes you get lucky

Now,as the people of the circumpolar region who live in stilted houses say, " If the stilts are a rocking, don't come a knocking", which used to refer to out of control alcoholism and domestic violence, but it increasingly refers to sex fueled by the total lack of fear that polar bears instill as predators and economic rivals and the warmer ice free temperatures, cause the poorly constructed dwelling to sway.

Have bears and arctic temperatures been the only thing holding the Eskimo's sexual revolution back? Well that's what I told these two Greenland Inuits

Of course, now that Eskimo's are free to spend their endless summer days cavorting in the taiga, unafraid of being attacked by the largest carnivorous predator in the world mid-coitus, or being unable to bring home the blubber because you got chased from your kill by some white @$$hole, will it lead to a boom in the Eskimo population, or will these new found liberties be primarily recreational? Or was it the fear of the Polar Bear that got them in the mood in the first place, that the fact that a 2,000 pound apex predator could choose to make you and your family its meal, at any moment, and there is nothing you could do about it, drove the Eskimo's to cherish life in a way they no longer will, devolving into an internet porn addiction at some point unless those majestic beasts are reintroduced into their lives, or they turn to increasingly niche fetishes.

Nothing like a Polar Bear to spice up your sex life

 

Rabbi X rides again!

Rabbi X, also known as Rabbi Yisrael Sassover, which itself is probably an alias, has been absent from the public eye for much of the Obama Presidency as he worked as the beloved President's dealer and Backchannel-Meister, both positions created by President Warren G. Harding, before returning to the private sector, which promptly rejected him, which has led him back to his roots, fringe religion/social activism. Unfortunately, due to his 1990's radio zoo handle "The Cantor of Cunt", who much like Jimmy Kimmel in his launch vehicle "The Man Show", was a rude, crude, and wildly misogynistic, which was far more acceptable in the late 90's right up till 9/11, but thanks to the internet, our zombie selves will always been nipping at our heels. As such, he was unable to take part in the Women's March, and has subsequently been left out of the Anti-Trump loop, probably by design, though the Rabbi insists it's "Purely a bureaucratic issue due to some outstanding warrants" and that they are saving him for some cultural American Ragnarok, so he needs to save his strength, and to cultivate his chi using "kabbalah", and hoarding cocaine.

"Now, is it good to help narco-terrorists, no, but on the other hand think of all the learning you could do!"

That is until one fateful night while looking for neshema's to save on dark net chat rooms, and sources to score wholesale quantities of uncut cocaine from, that he briefly got involved with the white power movement. Snow blind from cocaine, Rabbi X penned a mad manifesto, using various web sites suggested by new friends, and rationalizing that Christianity is just Greco-Latin Judaism, and Islam is just Arab Judaism, and there were already Black Hebrews, so the Rabbi formulated White Judaism, and began proselytizing to other out of control coke heads who found themselves adrift in this Modern Era. His efforts with his local chapters of various white power movements, eventually culminated in a Youtube video of a entire compound of White Supremacists celebrating a relatively authentic Shabbos, which went viral, leading to national chapters of various white power movements brutally reinserting Jesus into the live of White Supremacists throughout the San Joaquin valley, though scattered enclaves of "X Jews"   living in survivalist communes in northern California and Oregon are said to have survived, adding to list of things that they had been decimated by, but survived, as the Rabbi had taught them. 

Here a community of X Jews can be seen celebrating a traditional Shabbos, as the sacred Youtube video has taught

As the Rabbi always says " Life is what happens while your hoarding guns and cocaine", and unfazed by his loss of prestige, the subsequent raids of his drug-ware and safe houses, and well known connection to the white power movement that would hobble a less shameless man in normal society, he danced from one social extreme to the other, like the great awkward circle of monogender dancers at one of Rabbi X's infamous Neo-Orthodox weddings. The Rabbi, under the assumed name of Tooley Shmuogoldstein, illegally rented an abandoned rangers cabin in Capital State Forest, and began plotting how to bring "True Equality to the Races", with the eventual goal of, once again, gathering a cult like following.

The Green Mile: The Passion of Gary Sinise

Whether it was Gary Sinise who gaslighted a mentally enfeebled Hanks into a dark prison fantasy film, or Hanks resurgent personality after years of physical therapy, psychological therapy, spiritual therapy etc. etc. attempt to confront his greatest fear, Gary Sinise, one thing was sure, Michael Clark Duncan wasn't going to "let two bat%$#@ insane, crazy white dudes @#$% this shot at immortality up for me". While Gary Sinise would have probably attempted to assault and humiliate Hanks several times during filming... and while he was visiting his family... and dining with work friends to avoid being ambushed by Gary Sinise who would demand social, sexual, or contractual favor in return for not assaulting him in unspeakable ways, as he described in his self published N.Korean Exclusive " Brains on the Rocks are Just food" and " Tom Hanks is a depraved Rapist, a N. Korean guide to killing Tom Hanks" Narrated by Gary Sinise.

Bruce Willis supposedly helped get Michael Clarke Duncan the role of what Forbes Magazine called a "Magic Negro Figure"  

Michael Clark Duncan saved Tom Hanks from what Gary Sinise described as an "Inside outing of what makes Tom Hanks human, sane, and inoffensively heterosexual" adding several lines describing his planned fetishistic rituals, for when he had imprisoned Hanks, after that Sinise had his head pressed against a cinderbloc wall by Duncan till Sinise concussed, tied him to a raft, and sent him down river where he was rescued by amorous fans who marveled at the beauty of his mouth, though it turned out it was just James Cromwell and Sam Rockwell method acting as two sado-sexual hillbillies, after they were done with all their "methods" they wished to "act" on a now shattered Sinise. In return for destroying the troubled actor they were promised parts in Michael Clark Duncun's off Broadway musical "My Way" a tale of transsexual wrestling set to covers of Sinatra favorites, before it was shut down by the Sinatra estate. It was a masterful plan that might have worked if not for the all encompassing, hyper-focused, what he calls love, but what we would recognize as something dark, destructive and wrong, that drives him ever towards Tom Hanks, in what he insists on making, a collision course.

Here a dehydrated and unmedicated Sinise has taken over the stage, and has placed his foot over the guitarists head and threatened to "Go Gallagher on him" if everyone didn't keep partying

Gary Sinise had a psychotic break and believed himself to now be both Sinise AND Hanks, as he attempted to replace Hanks on set, find and wear hanks cloths, and try and sleep with his wife, while trying to convince everyone that the new Hanks-Sinise hybrid was the Hanks they all loved, but so much more, all of which they found horrifying. Duncan, tasked with cleaning up the mess, locked him in a cabin "Black Snake Moan" style, till he regained his senses enough to finish filming, and then he was promptly sent to a now abandoned Asylum in French Guiana  to protect Hanks and his family from further trauma.

Trump to release a terrifying evil from its ancient slumber

This is the kind of support Trump craves 

Trump misses his old White house, a lot. From Bannon coming in with his party hat modified to handle two handles of scotch, while forgetting his pant. Trump and Kushners regular impromptu and scheduled tickle fights. Ten beautiful days were Scaramucci did a capoeira/parkour style dance, but instead of fighting or fleeing, he was doing lines off of everything and everyone, while looking for leaks and "communicating". Sean Spicer discretely pleasuring himself in the bushes, while Bannon orally pleasures himself, egged on by a wildly sniffling Scaramucci, Michael Flynn taping it for his "Russia Friends", who "just wanted to see how dudes party". All that only worked when you had Rance Priebus to bully, it is almost comical how easily you can make the man cry, and cry he did.

A Bannon-O-Gram costs extra if you don't want him to put on black face

Now it seems, he has chief of Staff John Kelly, a retired, multi star general (You start to count stars, where does it end? Shall we count the sand on the beach?) has committed to a brutal and, perhaps, despite everything, uncalled for culling of Trumps White House, which included the firing of some high level people, but also involved the state sanctioned murder of a lot of staffers to "set the tone" in the new White House. Yet when the lord high executioner has been away, besides sending secret missives to his bromantic partner Bannon, and paying for Bannon-O-Grams to see his old friend again, but refusing to tip him, and smoking weed whenever Kelley turns his back, but... In addition to these juvenile acts of rebellion Trump has been cavorting with sleazy archaeologists in an attempt to locate the wine embalmed sarcophagus of Asmodeus, Lord of Demons, who helped build the 1st Temple in Jerusalem, and seduced Solomon (He changed his name to Koheleth to avoid mockery afterwards, and then Asmodeus went after his mom)  to help him fix his failing presidency, something he learned about during  a regularly scheduled tickle fight with Kushner, a tickle fight so intense they ended up pissing on each other and getting a scolding from Kelly, yet, since that vitamin scented afternoon, Trump has thought of little other than freeing, binding, and befriending Asmodeus.



Trump, using the full power of the Federal government forged a series of decoder rings for himself and the other members of "Operation Kelly Keep-Away" which had four goals A) Locating the Prison/Sarcophagus of the devious and powerful entity. B) Binding it to our Presidents will C) Befriend/sacrificing to Asmodeus to get him in Trumps corner. D) All concerned will crap on Kelly's doorstep, "A @#$% Bukkake", said Rabbi Israel Sassover, Trump's new spiritual adviser who is obviously Scaramucci dressed as a Haredi Jew, in a fake beard powdered with cocaine, and then the assembled would urinate on their scat to create a hard to clean, unsightly, and smelly mess for "The Church Lady" to grumpily clean up, at which time the gang pelts him with rotten eggs that have been marinating in Bannon's man-shack since April.

Here we can see the gang comically fail at trying to order pizza, and instead content themselves with tickling and pissing on a traumatized Pence

Unfortunately, for those assembled, they were being led by Trump who immediately mangled the plan, tweeted about it, and decided to move forward with A, C and D without any clear idea of how to accomplish B, because research on B was taking too long and he was getting fidgety and belligerent. A black ops expedition to the Levant was launched and the sarcophagus was retrieved, in addition the expedition brought back several specimens for Trump's human zoo, too bad CNN won't talk about that success, because it is secret, and horrible, and they and their families would be targeted if they did. Since then the President has embarked on a series of inexplicable and cruel actions which seem nonsensical, unless you are trying to open a hell pit to allow you to release an ageless evil, but as of press time, the most he has elicited from the White House hell pit is a twitch and quiver, yet the possibility of an unrestrained creature being released from its sarcophagus, a being of limitless evil, power, and craftiness being unleashed on the nation, which, according to a recent poll, is preferred to a continued Trump Presidency[zing], like Trump in a debate, is imminent and looming

Is "Nice Jesus" a Zionist invention?

The disconnect between Christian actions, which are, globally, destructive, greedy, and coercive, and the teachings and life of Christ, couldn't be more different. Could the ostensibly trust worthy gospels have twisted the truth to fit their narrative, if the gospels themselves weren't literary invention to begin with? I am looking at you Thomas. Or have progressive editors of the bible expunged all the parts of the New Testament where Jesus is a stingy asshole who is all about getting his, figuring he would be forgiven later? Or, is the entire Jesus narrative, with its loaves, fishes, and state sanctioned murder of a free spirit who just wanted to fight the bank an invention of Zionist propaganda that has successfully gas-lighted the western world into believing in the existence of "Nice Jesus", as all true adherents of Christ know his life was immaterial, and that it is his fetishistic death and fantastical resurrection that should form the basis of ones faith and morality? We are going to go with that last one.

Jesus (actual) mostly used the fact that he was G-d's son to get his dick wet

Of course you are wondering, "Why are Zionists involved at all?", the polite answer is, because settlements pervert everything. The less polite answer is that Jews are an unpleasant reminder that Christianity is fan fiction and cultural appropriation, same goes for Islam (Latin/Greek and Arab style Judaism), so they hate them, but it isn't politically correct to hate them for that, so people make political excuses and demonize the ideological spirit of the only Jewish state, obviously. Also, Jews are notoriously clever, possibly a Darwinian adaptation to people always trying to murder them, but probably a satanic gift in return for Christian blood, so this bred/Satanic gift is the only way we can believe the central tale of a nigh two millennia old religion is actually a modern Zionist invention meant to engender meekness and weakness in superior races, which of course has to have a bespectacled, soft-spoken, meticulous, affable, POS Jew behind it.

Here we can see the Zionists demonstrating their "Nice Jesus" proof of concept for the Vatican in 1974

The following question is, if Jesus wasn't super nice, what was he like? And why would G-d (actual) forgive our sins if we believe in his "Son", if his son was all about pussy, beer, and pissing off Romans? Well, I guess that is something we all have to decide for ourselves, but, if I were to put together his life like a choose your own adventure story, I would say Jesus was a shitty debt ridden carpenter who had stayed one step ahead of the law till he took to grandstanding one fateful Passover, but whose death sent heart shape awesome rays at every person who believed in him, and G-d has made that belief the criterion for avoiding a horrifying eternity, because, why not?



The last permitted Q and A will be " But why would Jewish intelligentsia invent 'Nice Jesus'?" With the obvious answer being that a nice Jesus makes us less likely to murder them wholesale, Costco big-box style murder, with attending rape and pillage. Of course, any sane people wouldn't invent a false-flag deity to turn brutal pagans into sheeple, well besides Paul of course, the Jewish Benedict Arnold. Yet, we know, through reason, Zionists invented nice Jesus, probably, because Europeans just wouldn't let up with the constant, tantrum like murder of Jews...for centuries, which, AKA a pretty good reason. So was nice Jesus real? touring Judea, Galilee, and Samaria being awesome and doing awesome things for, and with, other awesome people. Or was "Nice Jesus" an invention of a bunch of Israeli conscripts in the 1970's as a counter to the Arabs Oil Embargo? The world may never know.

Now is the best time to mess with Texas

With it's large population, varied industry and agriculture, and history of radical independence, Texas often likes to rub its relative independence in the faces of more interdependent states (looking at you Delaware). Now G-d, through Hurricane Harvey has checked the oil of the Lone Star State through one of his signature acts, in Texas size portions, and now is the time to mess with Texas. In furtherance of that goal, here are the top 5 ways to mess with Texas in the wake of Hurricane Harvey:

Fire Ants are so Crazy they have been messing with Texas for years, lets give them a hand

1) Fire Ants- Solenopsis invicta, causes billions of dollars in damage and medical bills, even in a good year. Known for their aggressive behavior, painful bite and sting, nests impervious to dynamite, and the ability to form floating nests when there terrestrial nests are flooded, with that last part being of particular interest, with some pool cleaning tools, or even a paddle, you can direct balls of infestation incarnate almost anywhere, attics, sheds, bedrooms, cars, the places that a shattered family trying to piece things back together, or relief & construction workers would love to find a ball of creatures committed to two things, defending the colony, and @#$%ing you up, in no particular order.

Honestly, they built that in a hour

2) Help Latin Americans across the border - For a state founded by illegal Anglo immigrants it is funny-sad how much they hate illegal immigrant, really grinds their gears. So while large swaths of Texas are underwater, make sure everyone on the other side of the boarder knows now is the time to rush the boarder, handing out rafts, ladders ( both to get over "The Wall" and for their future in their construction/landscaping business), Spanish to English Dictionaries, discounted burner phones and lists of sympathetic Catholic priests, and let the natural ingenuity and spirit of the Mexican people do the rest. Next year, when you are snacking on delicious authentic Mexican food provided by trucks on every-corner, while reading Don Quixote in the original for the first time, you'll thank me.

3) Take their guns away - Okay FEMA, they already think you are some sort of clandestine MK-ULTRA-esque sort of agency, so, in the name of public safety, why not try to take some of their guns away, you know, from the craziest ones, what could go wrong? And if something does go wrong, well that's a good reason to take more guns away from a larger group of slightly less crazy, but still very crazy, Texans, and soon the whole state is Mad Max on the Bayou fighting the Feds to keep their guns, which will be brutally put down by the military, and despite being once proud, and still powerful, it will harbor a deep sense of victimhood that will both unite and drive them, and what could go wrong with that? They will probably just get in line and shake it off, right?

4) Withhold Federal Aid, vindictively - With the Congressional war cry as a mocking "Remember Hurricane Sandy", withhold any sort of aid for the stricken state as a lone finger salute to the Lone Star's state's stinginess towards East Coast folk when they were in a similar situation. Let's make this a test run for their vaunted sovereignty, how well do they handle themselves in the unexpected? And we will be back when they've dried out and gotten everything in order, then we can have a discussion on the importance of helping the less fortunate, or if the whole place has gone survivalist-apocalypse, we can move to method #5.

5) Appoint Hillary Clinton as the Military Governor of what was once Texas - While it will be painful to allow Hillary Clinton to have anything, and having an important appointed position will probably give her an outsized idea of how many votes she can command, if we are truly committed to messing with Texas in its weakened state, than the Queen of the Carpetbaggers is the only way to go. With her smug elitism, sketchy methods, and weird marriage she will grate nerves Texans don't even know they have, like rare elements formed within the cores of stars, new, legendary and fantastical forms of rage will be manifested and focused at Hillary Clinton, who will bask in it, and further her liberal bonafides by sticking it to the once proud Texans, before being assassinated and replaced with Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer.

I guess the first thing she should have fixed was sanitation