Democrats Fudge their convention

Here Debbie Wasserman Shultz can be seen receiving the news of 20,000 leaked emails

As the Democratic front runner had been recovering from her testosterone and crystal meth injections, and for no reason was she to be disturbed, especially using the unspoken medium (E-mails). On the other hand it had just been proven beyond any conceivable doubt that the DNC conspired to push the coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton, using such tactics as:
  - Jew Baiting
  - Questioning Sanders commitment to his faith during southern primaries
  - Colluding with journalists to promote a favorable image of Clinton, over Sanders
  - Using the DNC to pressure journalists into promoting Hillary Clinton
  - Using the DNC to intimidate journalists who were pro-Sanders or anti-Hillary
And that is just what pertains to the DNC, that has been refined from 20,000 emails delivered just days ago. Some in the DNC have blamed the Russian government, as many in the Clinton campaign believe Trump and Putin are carrying on a torrid love affair over their mutual sexualization of power.

Vodka and Autocratic beliefs make strange bedfellows

Trying to avoid the vengeful Queen of politics, her entourage quickly went looking for a female minority from a swing state to replace Shultz with before anyone noticed and they would be crushed by a figurative rolling ball of media attention as it barrels down the narrow confines of convention coverage. As a result, meet your new ring master, Marcia Fudge

Guess what!? She believes what democrats are supposed to believe and never used the DNC to pick a fight with the nations most popular progressive

 

Caution "F" word

Now that you have been duly warned, I plan to use the word "Fuck" a fucktillion times to describe a futuristic hierarchy based on who you have fucked, who you are fucking, who you could realistically fuck in the future, and who these fuck partners have, are and will fuck. Welcome to the Fuckocracy! You're in the game now.

While eskimo relations have long been part of all human societies, as more and more functions can be done by machines or destitute nations, and instead of any productive per suite, your place in society will be decided by a psychosexualmentaculis our brains have yet to evolve  into, in order to preform such sexual math, and even they will need a vast and complex VR AI system to keep track of it all, and while our fucking will be looked back upon as some pastoral golden age of romantic and naturalistic fucking, we can not comprehend the all encompassing fuck we will give and receive thousands of years from now, and how each act of genital contact, for better or for worse, will be immortalized forever, or as they will refer to it , your "Fuck-life" as it pertains to "The circle of fucks".

While there is a class of socially dead "Fuckless Ones", who never fuck, and thus are not part of general society, but instead live off the " Fucktithe", which is a stamp tax for every recorded act of intentional genital contact, and to fail to record such contact is illegal, taboo, and inadvisable considering how much employers frown upon gaps in your FuckCV, or lose the social modifiers for most regional fucks for a certain quadrant. These Fuckless Ones, comprising about 1-2% of the population maintain all essential non-fuck related infrastructure, and tend to live rich, honest and fulfilling lives, though they are pitied by the fucking masses.

To maintain the quality and integrity of the fuck, fuck rehearsals are not uncommon

The fuck related infrastructure is maintained by those practicing procreative monogamous sex, The Families,which itself is considered something entirely different than the births among the general population that only occur after .001% of fucks, due to cheap but somewhat ineffective birth control, considering the number of fucks occurring on any given day, with these births accounting for 85% of total births, but almost all of them are then fostered by Families, as a life of constant fuck-traps, or what we would call romance, is no place for a child. These children are raised till adolescents, when the parents will return to mentor the teen in the ways of the fuck, as a lineal connection, and past and resulting fucks will have a direct impact on their societal fuckscore for as long as their line shall live.

Many humans have returned to the oceans, preferring the 3- Dimensional fuckscape it provides

Now, to your simplistic puritan mind this world sounds base and culture-less, and I won't shoot back "It would be with the way you fuck", because it would make you sad, and kindly put, your sexual imagination is like comparing a gnat to dolphin, both in size, ingenuity, ability to use tools, playing, and having sex hundreds of times in a day, the poverty of that comparison is almost as vast as of that, of you, having sex with anybody in the entire world, under any circumstance, and the fuck that any member of the fuckocracy could provide to any member, at any time.

The fuck has become the cumulative artistic endeavor of the majority of the population, lacking anything better to do, for millennia, after millennia, becoming the greatest and most human artistic experience to ever occur, for thousands of years, drawing human and alien time travelers from across the cosmos for that 20,000 years of hyper-animated bliss, making the multigenerational tapestry of fucks all the more exotic and dazzling, and presided over our fucking, nodding and salivating Old Ones, gnashing and bellowing as they flare with their eyestalks at all that man was doing, heavens afire in terrifying displays which egged the populace on to greater acts of hedonistic play acting, sexual sculpting, and hyper-realistic holographic depictions of acts preformed in an artistic and spiritual flowering the likes of which the universe had never seen before, and never recovered from.

When you fuck the wind, be ready to birth a fuckstorm, as they once said

As anything that could flee to that time and place did so, creating a temporal void lasting thousands of years, rending the universe in temporal and spatial taters, and the few habitable pockets looked at procreation as the cause of all their misfortune and the natural process was forbidden by all species for millions of years, each generation being born artificially and in pain, taking millions of more years to finally recover from "The Great Fuckocalypse".      

When your Candidate loses, how should you commit suicide?

Don't let this be you, because then you would be a @#$% loser

Seppuku? Seppuku! You can't handle seppuku! As a journalist who has been a party to more than one grizzly scene, but less than 150, unlike Felix, he is what we call a "gore whore", but, because I have experience with, but have not become numb to, scenes of violence, self inflicted and otherwise, I know, that when you want to check out, and for those of you looking for a reason, why not politics? Is it because you are worthless? I will probably need to walk you through it.

Remember to look at your suicide from all perspectives, one mans martyr is another's terrorist

So Hillary or Trump are now the President, and you still have to get through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a winter of long nights to be spent alone, are you just going to wing it on election day? Maybe if you want it to go like your life has so far, you can, but the golden rule of suicide is to remember "You can only do it once", unless you are a coward who was never serious about it, probably even cut horizontally, because you're weak.

Firearms

The most common method of [successful] suicides are firearms, unless you live in China where you have to scarf down pesticides because you can't even fall anymore because of suicide prevention nets. Where to shoot? Ask yourself that! In a Seinfeld voice now! Well, if you are drunk and horny like Van Gogh was you would shoot yourself in the stomach and take three days to die from your wound, sepsis will probably be involved. Heart and head are the place to be, possibly with an engraved firearm minted just for this purpose, for pizzazz. If you have to use a shotgun, slugs, not pellets, and maybe wrap yourself in your causes flag first, a sentimental suicide, is a good suicide.

No valuables to stain or property to stigmatize. Check. Surrounded by natural beauty that will give you the strength to do it. Check. Flag. Check. Strategically located so you will be found by a picnicking family that will never be the same. Check

Suffocation/Hanging

When you choose hanging, you are advertising yourself, tell a story

So you have decided to forgo a warriors death for that of a common criminals, that's fine, your hand probably wasn't steady enough. Important thing to remember, between the beginning of the suffocation to the point of unconsciousness you are probably going to have second thoughts, and at times like those its especially important to remember how much everyone is going to miss you, and wish they had treated-you/voted, differently.

Falling

This is like hanging, without a rope, and with a monumental chair, so it's not like hanging. Your body will probably get torn up or it wont work and you'll be an angry suicidal paraplegic with confidence issues, @#$% this is like high school all over again without the false hope of a growth spurt.

Misc

Frankly, at this point I am questioning your commitment to offing yourself when candidate X is elected! Fine, just, whenever something warns you against something, do it, eventually something will stick.

Lastly, if you choose not to kill yourself, like you promised EVERYONE you would do, and we  will all call you a coward for chickening out, and you will never live it down, but OK. You can join a cult to find meaning and avoid the fallout from the two party system, or take up a heroin addiction like so many fashionable youngsters are doing these days, or perhaps, if you are sure you don't want to kill yourself, or even live so dangerously that death can be expected, there is always Canada.

Our President's Radical Jihadist

Oahu, Hawaii - There have been quite a few headlines in recent months blaming radical jihadist for unspeakable acts of terror, but our president refuses to equate the two, and to put it frankly, is clearly befuddled, which is not a word this writer uses lightly (unlike "fucktard", that's a favorite). To understand the president attitude and response, one must learn of the Magical Muslims of Hawaii.

Think Arabian Nights meets Baywatch, with more hash

 "Moroccan, Afghani, Pakistani, Persian, Muslim hash is good hash, I will take it any day over that euro trash bubble stuff" Says Muhammad Abed, a 47 year old radical jihadist, who is one of the premier surf instructors on Lanai

In 1994 Muhammad "Guru Danny" Abed pioneered a form of transcendental exercise combining Yoga, Sufi meditation and surfing

"Perhaps it was my anger over having two first names [chuckle] or coming from a moderate Islamic household that never challenged my rebellious side, they were constantly encouraging me to study many different strains of Islam, while still insisting I go to college, it was recipe for coming of age conflict" he added between puffs of Maui Waui " but I had some pretty dark days, before I realized the person I am truly fighting is myself."

Having met at the University of Oahu, Wadi'ah Abed now runs her own kebab shop and sells designer handbags

"So when I was 19 and making due with a C average at Hawaii University - Oahu, in Political Science of all things, even going to a rally or two, what can I say, it was the 80's and we were all worried about the environment" He said with a twinkle in his eye.

" Then, in one year, I met the two most important people in my life, one, my wife Wadi'ah, who taught me Allah could be found in the caress of a women, the smell of the ocean breeze and the first bite of a freshly baked pita, and a young  civil rights attorney visiting the romping grounds of his youth, who taught me, that with the right smile, the world can be yours."

"Bang!bama" pressing flesh with the Ummah

"It was the summer of 88', mushrooms on the beach, babes in bed, and the three of us were so high, we couldn't tell what was love, and what was lust" Muhammad said with a wistful look in his eyes as his wife lovingly, but admonishingly clucked at him while cracking an Obamaesque grin of her own.

The Honolulu Mosque, serving prayer and pancakes six times a day, four and a half stars on yelp, and it is entirely non-threatening

For the next 6- years the three would build a legendary friendship, which flowered into broader relationship with the wider Hawaiian Muslim population,

"Without Obama's insight into life and vibrancy of spirit, I doubt Guru Danny would have been able to vanquish his middle-class angst, which would have probably seen him take up accounting in Oahu, or Allah forbid, the mainland" Their neighbor Aalam Mansouri, a botanist and amateur calligrapher, and, as he will admit, an unrepentantly terrible poet, said.

" Those three helped present a modern version of Islam that was both spiritual, forgiving, and frankly, magical. Muhammad's example, the way he is so naturally himself, of the world and still a devout Muslim, in a sense, well, people want to be around him, I know of no man who has more complete control of themselves, and thoroughly vanquished his negative impulses, than Mr. Abed" He finished.

Muhammad, some times as a surf instructor, as a imam, or"Guru Danny", and other times just as a good friend, brought a kaleidoscope of characters to the Island's Muslim community, which has led to an isolated but vibrant cultural renaissance the likes of which haven't been seen since the Abbasid Caliphate, led by Muhhamud Abed, his wife, and the President he spent an entire Ramadan night surfing with, and that is what President Barack Hussein Obama thinks of when someone says "Radical Jihadist".

Note: Only Hanbali Muslims, who primarily live in the Arabian Peninsula, believe the Jihad of the sword is greater than ones internal Jihad against ones negative impulses