Five lies about Forrest Gump that it would be impossible for you to know

1) The Original quote was "Life is like a box of chocolate, sometimes you get candy and sometimes you get raped by your dad" but Tom Hanks suggested the more coy and alluring "you never know what you're going to get" originally, with a wink.

The original dialogue was not well received by castmembers

2) While on set playing Lt. Dan, post Army, actor Gary Sinise said " But seriously guys, if I ever end up like this, put a @#$%en bullet in my head! Alright?" Gary Sinise hasn't been seen in a film since 2004.

Here an extra can be seen taking liberties with the beloved, but oblivious star who is just way too into his ice cream to care

3) Tom Hanks retardation wasn't simulated, but the result of a bludgeoning by Gary Sinise, who had been drunkenly stalking Hanks since 1992, and the beloved actor was required by his doctors to wear a helmet between takes, and his cast mates made him wear mittens due to his compulsive masturbating, the swelling eventually went down (on all fronts[snicker]) and the kindly thespian still has no recollection of filming the 1994 classic.

Gary Sinise really hopes he gets to work with Tom Hanks again, hard

4) Robert Zemeckis originally hoped to to adapt the Forrest Gump story into "Back to the Future IV", but was later convinced to go with a more literal, less franchise driven screenplay.

5) Robert Zemeckis originally hoped to adapt the Carl Sagan Classic "Contact" into "Forrest Gump II: Forrest Gump meets the Aliens", but was later convinced to go with a more literal, less franchise driven screenplay.

G-d still deciding how dark he wants to go

Most years, mercy v. vengeful is a coin toss, but this year, it could be personal

El the primary G-d of several pantheons and at least three monotheistic religions, is apparently contemplating just how dark he is planning on making things on earth between this winter solstice, and the next. With both Queen Elizabeth II and Charles Manson seriously ill G-d is wondering if he should continue to reap the best of humanity, or to start trimming the other-side of the ledger and return logic and sapience to the leaders of the world. Allah is supposedly waiting on a one Sally Davenport of Birmingham to decide to tell her mother the truth about who stole the cookies, or continued to allow her younger brother to take the blame, with El Shaddai mentioning there are a lot of fault, fissures and eruptions he has been holding off on, but if the little bitch doesn't fess up, well may he have mercy on our souls.    

RIP

Actress Carrie Fisher watching her mother Debbie Reynolds preform

President Obama poison's the White House well and releases his vault of unspeakable evils

Thanks Obama!

The President, only now realizing that the power of the President is finite and temporary, has, instead of gracefully handing over power, decided to take a whirlwind shit on everybody and everything that hasn't given him exactly what he wants. From condemning Israel for settlements, without any sort of peace initiative, and arming Syrian Rebels with advance weaponry, without forwarding any plan to unseat Assad, so pretty much just screwing with people who are solving their own problems in a way that Obama doesn't like. So no one was really surprised when Superintendant of the White House grounds Dale Haney found Obama dressed in a black and white antiquated prisoners uniform, pouring an unknown, but bubbling and smoking brew in a vile with a skull on it, which becomes animate when viewed up close, into the White House well.

White House well before Obama's treachery

After Obama's treachery

The White House well, dug by President John Adams between losing the 1800 election to his then Arch-Nemesis Thomas Jefferson (previously and eventually, best friends) and having to relinquish office on January 20th, the process allowing him to washing away the negativity and hate of the office before returning to private life. This well is, to put it bluntly, magical. The waters, calming and medicinal, are to be frank and honest, the only potable drinking water in the city till Buzzard Point, the Anacostia and Potomac poisoning anything they touch with greed and corruption after some settler brothers murdered a Nacotchtonk priestess attempting to bless the waters, with the reasoning for the attack lost in their Scots-Irish hillbilly babble, but the waters have since been cursed, except for the well dug by John Adams at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, as it was purified by the honest tears of a defeated patriot, and since then has calmed the nerves of 43 Presidents, and helped them avoid the debilitating diseases that are caused by drinking DC ground or river water.

Diamond Joe and John Kerry, locked the petulant, unhinged and brooding President in the Oval Office while they tried to figure out how they would spin this, perhaps to say the Well was working for the Russians, when the President used his Indonesian nerve pinch to disable the SS guards and steal away to the White House under-croft, with only a distorted cackle echoing through the halls for Biden and Kerry to chase after... 

Originally built by Abraham Lincoln to hold the abominations he was sure to find in Southern attics, it was later renovated, twice, by President Grover Cleveland to warehouse his rape victims 

Obama, having been inducted into the Gardnerian tradition while in HS in Hawaii, by way of Ann Dunham's 1970's love interest Doreen Valiente, having already mastered Korowai spirit magic as a youth, President Obama has always had a keen interest in the Occult. This interest turned into an obsession when the young Senator from Illinois was able to gain entrance to the "Secret" Library of Congress, which is revealed by a revolving bookcase in the actual Library of Congress if you try to remove " Morality and Law in Government" from the bookshelf.

His research centered on his own distant relative, Wild Bill Hickok, and that is how he found the "Hickok Psalter", a book of Poetic verses and illustration written by James B. Hickok about his time in the Wild West capturing and delivering monsters of the west to to the Federal government's repository on Gibson Island, which, after 1929, when the wall-street crash halted private development of the new facility meant to house non-corporeal enemies of the United States, it's inhabitants were moved to the White House Under-croft by President Hoover. The under-croft had been used as a Dungeon for the President's personal prisoners since Andrew Jackson, but was transformed into an Asylum for the nations National Curiosities by President Lincoln, who assumed correctly, that the South was rife with monsters, deformed mutants, and cursed byproducts of the Occult, and was combined with the Gibson Island collection by FDR, and the menagerie has been expanded by every President after.

Obama, with an ornate Victorian master key, ran down the clanking metal hallways yelling " Change! Hope! It's a New Day!" with wild bloodshot eyes and a sardonic grin, unlocking hatches and cages as the bemused, befuddled or just belligerent monsters filed out of the under-croft, and as the head of the Cherokee cyclopes Uyotsvhi disappeared over the horizon, Obama smiled knowing he had wreaked his  vengeance on a nation that hadn't done exactly what he wanted.

Voooottee Deeemooocraaat!