In a rare, candid moment, Bill Clinton admits Donald Trump is his fault

"Yup, I basically lowered the bar on everything" Said a clearly High and Coked up former President Clinton, nursing a black eye, and hiding out from Hillary till she sobered up again. "Between my personal behavior towards women before and during my presidency, my sly manipulation of the media, being able to regularly break the law and get away with it, in plain view! Think about it, had there been broad bi-partisan support for my impeachment on moral and legal grounds, how the hell could anyone vote for a known philanderer and misogynist?" The former leader of the free world said between puffs on his blunt while being orally pleasured by a prostitute that was clearly part of a Chinese honeypot scheme.

Just how Bill Clinton likes them, mildly attractive, and entirely at his mercy

"Take 'Su Dix' if that is her real name, no, no, don't talk, I know she was sent by Beijing, but I am already, and have been since 1992, in their pocket, frankly right now, I am their play thing as much as Su Dix is mine. Do you think people could shrug off a clear Russian connection to Trump, if there hadn't been a clear connection between me and China, and during my term as President I did everything I could to pave the way for their ascent even at that expense of the American worker and our national security? Hell nooo!" Said the climaxing former Governor of Arkansas.

The former President thanks G-d every day that dogs can't talk to the press, and even if they could they can be bought off with Peanut butter

"Of course there is the more obvious level, my general sleaze, so abundant and potent it sticks to anything and anyone associated with me: My wife, my interns, my vice president, the list can go on and on" Said the man who publicly tarnished the office of the Presidency on many occasions. " But on a more meta level, had I not repealed Glass-Steagall, the economy might not have tanked as much, or not at all, John McCain would have been a two term President, and no one is electing a 74 year old has been reality star to the Presidency since Barack Obama would have had enough experience with consensus building to be one of the greats, but, oh, well" Said the man who was elected on a populist platform thanks to an eccentric billionaire, against George Bush, Reagan's VP, who became president, and presided over our victory against the USSR.


Additional reporting provided by the Chinese Ministry of State Security

The Reign of the Scarab is Upon Us

If you want a vision of the future, imagine a ball of shit being rolled over a human face, by beetles, forever

Over the last 3 months the President Elect, and then President Actual, flamboyantly summoned the political and cultural elite to his goldplated sky tank, to talk, eat, laugh, and be belted to surgical table as the 70 year old enemy of all vomits hardened knots of fecal matter into the pried open mouth of his victims, infecting them with scarab beetles and fulfilling the "Prophecy of the Scarab", and one of his most cherished and long held sexual fetishes.

Then, in a series of rapid fire executive orders, he replaced the nations food stamp program with dung rations, by first mocking the social weakness of the poor, called their children looosers, and then stated "A beetle that eats dung, need not eat or drink anything else" and dubbed it his "Eat Shit and Live" program. The insect hive mind controlling the Trump's meat suit went on to warn that we needed to build the border wall immediately to keep Mexicans from stealing our shit.  America tried to take this figuratively before Trump clarified that he meant the collected scat of herbivores and omnivores, with that produced by the latter clearly being superior.

The President than asked for some privacy as he had acquired some especially finely textured dung and hoped to fertilize it with the help of his adviser and son-in-law Jared Kushner, though, like the ancient Egyptians, he is wrong in believing that he can procreate by simply injecting his sperm, and that Jared Kushner, into a ball of finely textured shit.

Five lies about Forrest Gump that it would be impossible for you to know

1) The Original quote was "Life is like a box of chocolate, sometimes you get candy and sometimes you get raped by your dad" but Tom Hanks suggested the more coy and alluring "you never know what you're going to get" originally, with a wink.

The original dialogue was not well received by castmembers

2) While on set playing Lt. Dan, post Army, actor Gary Sinise said " But seriously guys, if I ever end up like this, put a @#$%en bullet in my head! Alright?" Gary Sinise hasn't been seen in a film since 2004.

Here an extra can be seen taking liberties with the beloved, but oblivious star who is just way too into his ice cream to care

3) Tom Hanks retardation wasn't simulated, but the result of a bludgeoning by Gary Sinise, who had been drunkenly stalking Hanks since 1992, and the beloved actor was required by his doctors to wear a helmet between takes, and his cast mates made him wear mittens due to his compulsive masturbating, the swelling eventually went down (on all fronts[snicker]) and the kindly thespian still has no recollection of filming the 1994 classic.

Gary Sinise really hopes he gets to work with Tom Hanks again, hard

4) Robert Zemeckis originally hoped to to adapt the Forrest Gump story into "Back to the Future IV", but was later convinced to go with a more literal, less franchise driven screenplay.

5) Robert Zemeckis originally hoped to adapt the Carl Sagan Classic "Contact" into "Forrest Gump II: Forrest Gump meets the Aliens", but was later convinced to go with a more literal, less franchise driven screenplay.

G-d still deciding how dark he wants to go

Most years, mercy v. vengeful is a coin toss, but this year, it could be personal

El the primary G-d of several pantheons and at least three monotheistic religions, is apparently contemplating just how dark he is planning on making things on earth between this winter solstice, and the next. With both Queen Elizabeth II and Charles Manson seriously ill G-d is wondering if he should continue to reap the best of humanity, or to start trimming the other-side of the ledger and return logic and sapience to the leaders of the world. Allah is supposedly waiting on a one Sally Davenport of Birmingham to decide to tell her mother the truth about who stole the cookies, or continued to allow her younger brother to take the blame, with El Shaddai mentioning there are a lot of fault, fissures and eruptions he has been holding off on, but if the little bitch doesn't fess up, well may he have mercy on our souls.