Nation Rallies behind "Spider Moms", many picked off and cocooned in their silk

Don't be fooled by the comical mask, this spider mom has begun a grotesque transformation, replacing her lips with mandible like parts, and she is sporting a wig because her scalp has become hard and chitinous, her glorious and terrifying  transfiguration has begun!  

The new fad among twenty to forty -something mothers who feel overwhelmed and under appreciated is to ingest  arachnid mutagen, seductively labeled Portia, named after genus of jumping spider it is harvested from, and begin a months long transformation that will render them unrecognizable, as they have become giant super intelligent spider moms, who often continue to try to care for their horrified family in increasingly twisted ways. 9 out of 10 spider moms report feeling peace, serenity, lack of empathy, and an unspeakable hunger.

Spidermom's will spend hours planning and then executing "Family Trips" were they will cocoon and abduct their estranges families taking them in tinted minivans to "Special Spider-mom family oriented attractions", which were once human attractions that have been infested with, and abandoned to, Spidermom's. before insisting that she drop everyone off at work/school, at some point in the night, still cocooned, to be found by someone in the morning, but not before force feeding them with a funnel a puree of all the foods she thinks they should be eating, before checking their webs, drinking a box of wine, and sleeping it off till the next family adventure.

Some spider mom's are opportunistic hunter's, placing webs for drunks, bicyclist and people with poor eyesight who refuse to get glasses, though most choose to lure their prey into the open before subduing them, sometimes nagging them to come out into the open for weeks, before the exasperation of her prey dooms them. The spidermom's favorite prey is other non-spidermom's, though they have been known to consume other spidermom's who say anything, even mildly, critical. They have also been known to prey on men who turn down their sexual advances as they believe themselves to be excellent mimics.

The Whiskey Republic Omelette

Ingredients:

- 3 Eggs at room temperature

- 1 Quarter Vidalia Onion, minced*

- 2 oz of Baby Spinach, chopped

- 2 Cremini mushrooms

- 4 Table spoons of quality butter

- Gouda and Cheddar cheese, to taste (same goes for salt and privilege pepper)

If for Dinner:

- 2 Cloves of Garlic,crushed, minced*... defeated

Equipment:

- Beer mug

- Immersion blender

- Shallow-sided, non-stick, frying pan

- Spatula

Process:

Prepare "The Veg", the garlic should be given "The Nemesis Treatment", as should the onions, the spinach should be given a rough chop, and the mushrooms should be halved and quartered...as a warning.

The Veg, in order and prepared to die for your omelette

Crack the eggs into the beer mug, insert an active immersion blender into the mug and then pulse that @#$%.

Half the butter goes in the pan, on low, then the (Hypothetically, Garlic) mushrooms, onions and spinach till the ingredients are tender and moist [prolonged slurping noise]

Still on low, add the remaining butter, combine with "The Veg", and cover the pan evenly with it, then poor the egg mug in, starting around the edges, working for a even coating, and keep that pan moving until the egg has taken on a custard like consistency. Then, either, add the cheese, flip one side onto the other to enclose, then cook on each side for about a 30 sec to a minute, each, or...if you hate lightly cooked eggs and are feeling dexterous, crimp the edges with the spatula (so the edges separate from the pan) and leveraging with the spatula, flip the omelette custard side down, kill the heat, put cheese on top of half, wait a minute, and then close it up.

A meal so nice it's smiling

* A man should never be mincing, if a man is preparing this dish, he is giving the item TNT   

While Melanie is away Trump shall play...

It's going to happen

It seems much of Trump's alleged and proven misogyny, and the fact that so much of it has been made public, is all a "Trump red herring", both in the sense that he is not looking for lady butt, but instead the butt of former Mayor of London, who is Trump's Time-Travelling son, AND the sex act. While Melanie is safely in New York City trying to raise and contain a increasingly petulant, sexual, and cannibalistic Barron, safely, while making sure he only fuck/eats the best society has to offer (preferring vegan liberals), whereas, left to his own devices, he would mostly prey on street people.

When he has chosen a protester, he will squeeze his mother hand and indicate, and she will have Trump  personal dressed as secret service, escort them to to a nondescript Panel Van were he can feed in peace  

 
So with mommy preoccupied with what one psychotherapist described as a "Shadow of a soul whose only sincere drives are carnal and depraved satisfactions and dominance", Trump has had to make his own fun...

By which I mean he intends to Rape-or-be-Raped by the Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs Boris Johnson.

"I'm here to violently engage in penetration with a US President and chew bubble gum...and I'm all out of bubble gum"

In video taped matches between himself and Boris taped by either Ivanka or Mr. McMahon and Hollywood Hulk Hogan on the behalf of a series of shadowy shell corporations, probably run by the Russian government, Trump has turned the white house grounds into their rape ranch, dressing in garish costumes, playing out unlikely and unsavory scenarios, to the utter disgust of the Secret service, Kellyanne Conway, who the two men often dry hump between them, and unwitting tour groups, the two men employ stealth,' guile and strength in successively catching, pacifying and raping each other.

"Remember boys, no matter what you hear, see, smell or sense by other means, do not open the limo till they give us the safe word, do you hear me!"

Putin hopes to influence the USA through the use of the "American Spring Break"

Male guardians lock up your female wards, Putin is bringing Slavic manliness to American Spring Break!!! 

In a Swayze inspired move  Russian supreme leader and sex primate, Vladimir "The Iron Fist that Clutches the Throat of the West" Putin is going on a Caribbean arm wrestling tour during spring break, while reasserting soviet era soft power in the region, and pursuing his favorite past time, challenging American hegemony..

Hope I catch a shirt, just kidding!!! [awkward wink]

In his late march early April tour, the Ex-KGB Oligarch will arm wrestle state approved opponents while outwardly hawking his personally branded vodka, while secretly arranging weapons shipments to central American Drug Cartels, Narco-Terrorists, and separatists, not because he needs the money, but to @#$% with America, and because guns are cool.

[whisper] If you win,  I will kill you, by electrocuting you, through your testicles, while your family watches, while they are being electrocuted, through their genitals

The super cool, not gay, entirely democratically elected conqueror of the Crimea will parlay his social acumen into friendships with the wayward children of American politicians, military leaders, and officials of state after they have been compromised by Russian Intelligence in the guise of a sex workers, because he's the kind of friend who will help you get rid of a body, but will never let you forget that he knows how to get rid of a body.