Perfect Tweetstorm destroys Nebraska town

A combination of social, environmental, and of course, sexual factors led the town to emotionally engage in a series of flash purges, with enough overlapping grievances leading any observer to believe that everyone was butchering everyone they see and that it was everyone for themselves, leading to what was left of the town to be looted to death. An interconnected series of affairs, their revelation, a recent tornado, and a truly amazing roofing deal which included a free AR-15 Assault Weapon, a hazing gone wrong, a batch of marijuana laced cookies distributed at a church event, and a dreamy teenage drifter that came into town, earning the admiration of fellow youth, and demonized by the town's entrenched elite, all contributed to small town America turning on itself.

"It all just went wrong"

Without going into essential detail, and admittedly, reliable reports became rare near the end, we have an unparalleled example of mass hysteria forever immortalized in the fervent, chaotic, hateful, romantic communications that characterized this tragic event, but whose grizzly aftermath reminds us of the senseless violence information can cause, and how it needs to be controlled for the good of the masses, and that honest communication between lovers is a good first step towards averting future twitter related massacres that afflict the innocent and guilty alike.

Scrappy likes to have fun, do you like to have fun?

While a simultaneous possible hoax, sex tape of Shia Lebeouf/Justin Bieber with Scrappy The Wonder Dalmatian might have added fuel to the fire, as Scrappy The Wonder Dalmatian was a local hero from Volunteer Fire Troop No. 10, whose inaction allowed fire to consume the towns once vibrant city center, but instead a series of old but still poignant vendettas that came to life as the town lined up around the issue of Billy Mansetti who was paraded through the town with a decapitated cows head placed over his own with a haphazard straw based breathing apparatus, collapsing from aspirating "beefy chunks", who perished the following week when Anti-Mansetti partisans torched the hospital and several other pieces of vital infrastructure.

It was an old warehouse that all the kids spent an entire weekend on...

While the adults of New Gamla Nebraska turned against their neighbor the Charismatic young drifter Timothy "Master Grievance" Parcel led a series of rap battles, whose original content centered around our common drives and dreams, along with his signature Moonwalk/Robot dance and hardluck past, interweaved with the towns recent tribulations. After an especially emotional set at the Mitchet Residence, Sally Mitchet had the emotional strength to confront her emotionally abusive father who responded by torching Parcel's Rap Capoeira Dojo and Lynching him on a street lamp outside as an"Example".


The rest of the story being fire, civilizations petty attempts to reassert itself, and a local bowling alley marketing itself as a fortified, wi-fi free structure for families to ride out the crisis while working on their game, which was partially destroyed when besieged by feral townies, before being rescued by the national guard, discovering they where the sole survivors of their once typical town.

     

9 out of 10 scientists...

In any and every field, through extensive, some might even say excessive, definitely compulsive, analysis of the data, and rigorous polling, it has been found that 89.9%  of scientists will willingly disregard proper scientific theory, basic morality, and even established knowledge, will say anything! As long as it gets them laid. Trump & Friends, through the University of the Scarab has funded my research, not only into the social and sexual lives of the nation's scientists, creating detailed, often damaging, dossiers on nasty women and laughable losers to delight a giggling and obviously aroused Trump Jr. who will clap with glee, occasionally pawing at his groin.

"I like things that feel good"

Nay, the Trump dynasty has also funded my research into honeypot technology, the benefits of man-made global warming, how humans can be genetically modified to allow them to successfully mate with "Ancient Scarabs", hand reassignment surgeries, and Slavic culture, but my first and true love is stalking of scientists, as I remain unseen, and in many ways G-d like in my power and perspective, in-regards to this solitary scientist I or an associate is "researching", which always begin with an autopsy of any out door pets, with the remains returned by dawn at their doorstep with no other identification, like a scientist! And I have come to one overwhelming, some might say inconceivable, conclusion: Scientists will provide the underlying rational and foundation for a field of study and support it wholeheartedly, regardless of facts and experiments, if they are receiving exciting sexual favors, by attractive and interesting women, for expressing, supporting, and creating data for it, in close to 90% of the scientists we have entrapped with our experiments.

This is our science now, probably always has been 

While you might think that the lure of beer, cocaine and B-list porn stars would only attract a certain sort of scientist, under certain circumstances, according to my extensive research, you're 100% wrong. While 10% of scientists might have strong convictions, I think it is actually because they are sexually confused, and too uptight to even do a line off another scientists breasts, or even be cool with a scientist shotgunning half a beer and then spraying the rest of it on a female lab partner who is wearing only a white lab coat and skimpy loungerie, in their lab, home, where ever we thought we could do the best science, while taping it for blackmail purposes, or they were female scientists who were mysteriously immune to our unorthodox methods. 

Donut(s) Party

Now that you've had your fill of Donuts, let me tell you about Donut(s) Party...

First rule of Donut(s) Party, we don't tell ANYONE about donuts, why!?! Because it builds anticipation that might not be fulfilled based on the participants behavior, which would in turn lead to unwarranted resentments, because it was YOU who broke the...Second rule of Donut(s) Party, Donut(s) Party is an incentive based social gathering, where good behavior is rewarded, some of the founders of Donut(s) Party believed it should also be where poor behavior is punished as spectacle, but we don't hang out with those people anymore and they are not invited to Donut(s) Party. Third rule of Donut(s) Party, you can have as many donuts as you want, but only one at a time, no picking off frosting or "sucking creme", leaving a sugary untouchable husk of a once proud dessert and expecting us to stand by while you prey on yet another, anyone who tries to do this, will be beaten, stripped, and left by the side of the highway, rhetorically of course, and no matter how angry one is, always politely... Or no donuts. The Fourth rule of Donut(s) Party, is the same basic golden rule most advanced cultures have, whether it be Buddha, Hillel, or Jesus saying it, but we have chosen to go with the "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" version, and ask participants to be excellent to each other, and party on dudes. The fifth rule of Donut(s) Party: We are not affiliated with any religion or political party, but instead promote our own political platform, with all members expected to vote only for Donut(s) Party approved candidates, referendums etc. etc. and while Donut(s) Party does not discriminate against religious backgrounds, we do have a non-negotiable philosophy, many of its precepts are kept secret, both to avoid persecution, the dissemination of Gnostic knowledge to un-believers, who might in turn mock that which they do not understand,and because it will give us something to talk about at future Donut(s) Party's. The sixth and final rule of Donut(s) Party is the belief that time and space are on one celestial millstone, that coincidentally look like two donuts rotating in opposite directions, that purifies the soul into a pure and eternal state through a variety of reincarnations, both human, animal, plant and inanimate, towards the goal of a perfectly refined universe, and that Donut(s) Party is an integral part of that.

Hillary Clinton admits...

Hillary Clinton admits that she could never animate her base like Trump can, and that even during the campaign most voters subconsciously saw them as an old married couple.

"I mean, did you see the women's march! I would like to say my inauguration crowd would have been that large, but in all tru-th-full-nes, it probably would have been just friends, family, anyone I could threaten into being there and few stray dogs, and if anything, my methods and views would have made misogynist and racists shine like they haven't since "Birth of a Nation", while my base would barely have the energy to shame them, much less engage them in meaningful debate. Yes, I would have burned down congress, blamed it on white nationalists, use the police to quash dissent, declare a state of emergency, and amend the constitution to allow me to make law with out the legislature in my first 100 days, so my bases passion would have been inconsequential, but still..."

Said the former First Lady to her bathroom mirror, which is actually a two way glass, that the former president uses to voyeuristicaly pleasure himself during his wife's morning routine, as it is the only way she can still arouse him after 42 years of "marriage". She went on to clarify that disloyal staffers, men, who are by their nature misogynistic and bigoted, women who hate her for her power and grace, unfavorable winds & tides, and a G-d who refuses to bend to her will because he is an obstructionist, are the causes for her defeat, not anything about her history and personality.

Thankfully her shrill crescendo blaming white males for our financial, social and military woes  drown out Bill's moans and squishes