Trump to release a terrifying evil from its ancient slumber

This is the kind of support Trump craves 

Trump misses his old White house, a lot. From Bannon coming in with his party hat modified to handle two handles of scotch, while forgetting his pant. Trump and Kushners regular impromptu and scheduled tickle fights. Ten beautiful days were Scaramucci did a capoeira/parkour style dance, but instead of fighting or fleeing, he was doing lines off of everything and everyone, while looking for leaks and "communicating". Sean Spicer discretely pleasuring himself in the bushes, while Bannon orally pleasures himself, egged on by a wildly sniffling Scaramucci, Michael Flynn taping it for his "Russia Friends", who "just wanted to see how dudes party". All that only worked when you had Rance Priebus to bully, it is almost comical how easily you can make the man cry, and cry he did.

A Bannon-O-Gram costs extra if you don't want him to put on black face

Now it seems, he has chief of Staff John Kelly, a retired, multi star general (You start to count stars, where does it end? Shall we count the sand on the beach?) has committed to a brutal and, perhaps, despite everything, uncalled for culling of Trumps White House, which included the firing of some high level people, but also involved the state sanctioned murder of a lot of staffers to "set the tone" in the new White House. Yet when the lord high executioner has been away, besides sending secret missives to his bromantic partner Bannon, and paying for Bannon-O-Grams to see his old friend again, but refusing to tip him, and smoking weed whenever Kelley turns his back, but... In addition to these juvenile acts of rebellion Trump has been cavorting with sleazy archaeologists in an attempt to locate the wine embalmed sarcophagus of Asmodeus, Lord of Demons, who helped build the 1st Temple in Jerusalem, and seduced Solomon (He changed his name to Koheleth to avoid mockery afterwards, and then Asmodeus went after his mom)  to help him fix his failing presidency, something he learned about during  a regularly scheduled tickle fight with Kushner, a tickle fight so intense they ended up pissing on each other and getting a scolding from Kelly, yet, since that vitamin scented afternoon, Trump has thought of little other than freeing, binding, and befriending Asmodeus.



Trump, using the full power of the Federal government forged a series of decoder rings for himself and the other members of "Operation Kelly Keep-Away" which had four goals A) Locating the Prison/Sarcophagus of the devious and powerful entity. B) Binding it to our Presidents will C) Befriend/sacrificing to Asmodeus to get him in Trumps corner. D) All concerned will crap on Kelly's doorstep, "A @#$% Bukkake", said Rabbi Israel Sassover, Trump's new spiritual adviser who is obviously Scaramucci dressed as a Haredi Jew, in a fake beard powdered with cocaine, and then the assembled would urinate on their scat to create a hard to clean, unsightly, and smelly mess for "The Church Lady" to grumpily clean up, at which time the gang pelts him with rotten eggs that have been marinating in Bannon's man-shack since April.

Here we can see the gang comically fail at trying to order pizza, and instead content themselves with tickling and pissing on a traumatized Pence

Unfortunately, for those assembled, they were being led by Trump who immediately mangled the plan, tweeted about it, and decided to move forward with A, C and D without any clear idea of how to accomplish B, because research on B was taking too long and he was getting fidgety and belligerent. A black ops expedition to the Levant was launched and the sarcophagus was retrieved, in addition the expedition brought back several specimens for Trump's human zoo, too bad CNN won't talk about that success, because it is secret, and horrible, and they and their families would be targeted if they did. Since then the President has embarked on a series of inexplicable and cruel actions which seem nonsensical, unless you are trying to open a hell pit to allow you to release an ageless evil, but as of press time, the most he has elicited from the White House hell pit is a twitch and quiver, yet the possibility of an unrestrained creature being released from its sarcophagus, a being of limitless evil, power, and craftiness being unleashed on the nation, which, according to a recent poll, is preferred to a continued Trump Presidency[zing], like Trump in a debate, is imminent and looming

Is "Nice Jesus" a Zionist invention?

The disconnect between Christian actions, which are, globally, destructive, greedy, and coercive, and the teachings and life of Christ, couldn't be more different. Could the ostensibly trust worthy gospels have twisted the truth to fit their narrative, if the gospels themselves weren't literary invention to begin with? I am looking at you Thomas. Or have progressive editors of the bible expunged all the parts of the New Testament where Jesus is a stingy asshole who is all about getting his, figuring he would be forgiven later? Or, is the entire Jesus narrative, with its loaves, fishes, and state sanctioned murder of a free spirit who just wanted to fight the bank an invention of Zionist propaganda that has successfully gas-lighted the western world into believing in the existence of "Nice Jesus", as all true adherents of Christ know his life was immaterial, and that it is his fetishistic death and fantastical resurrection that should form the basis of ones faith and morality? We are going to go with that last one.

Jesus (actual) mostly used the fact that he was G-d's son to get his dick wet

Of course you are wondering, "Why are Zionists involved at all?", the polite answer is, because settlements pervert everything. The less polite answer is that Jews are an unpleasant reminder that Christianity is fan fiction and cultural appropriation, same goes for Islam (Latin/Greek and Arab style Judaism), so they hate them, but it isn't politically correct to hate them for that, so people make political excuses and demonize the ideological spirit of the only Jewish state, obviously. Also, Jews are notoriously clever, possibly a Darwinian adaptation to people always trying to murder them, but probably a satanic gift in return for Christian blood, so this bred/Satanic gift is the only way we can believe the central tale of a nigh two millennia old religion is actually a modern Zionist invention meant to engender meekness and weakness in superior races, which of course has to have a bespectacled, soft-spoken, meticulous, affable, POS Jew behind it.

Here we can see the Zionists demonstrating their "Nice Jesus" proof of concept for the Vatican in 1974

The following question is, if Jesus wasn't super nice, what was he like? And why would G-d (actual) forgive our sins if we believe in his "Son", if his son was all about pussy, beer, and pissing off Romans? Well, I guess that is something we all have to decide for ourselves, but, if I were to put together his life like a choose your own adventure story, I would say Jesus was a shitty debt ridden carpenter who had stayed one step ahead of the law till he took to grandstanding one fateful Passover, but whose death sent heart shape awesome rays at every person who believed in him, and G-d has made that belief the criterion for avoiding a horrifying eternity, because, why not?



The last permitted Q and A will be " But why would Jewish intelligentsia invent 'Nice Jesus'?" With the obvious answer being that a nice Jesus makes us less likely to murder them wholesale, Costco big-box style murder, with attending rape and pillage. Of course, any sane people wouldn't invent a false-flag deity to turn brutal pagans into sheeple, well besides Paul of course, the Jewish Benedict Arnold. Yet, we know, through reason, Zionists invented nice Jesus, probably, because Europeans just wouldn't let up with the constant, tantrum like murder of Jews...for centuries, which, AKA a pretty good reason. So was nice Jesus real? touring Judea, Galilee, and Samaria being awesome and doing awesome things for, and with, other awesome people. Or was "Nice Jesus" an invention of a bunch of Israeli conscripts in the 1970's as a counter to the Arabs Oil Embargo? The world may never know.

Now is the best time to mess with Texas

With it's large population, varied industry and agriculture, and history of radical independence, Texas often likes to rub its relative independence in the faces of more interdependent states (looking at you Delaware). Now G-d, through Hurricane Harvey has checked the oil of the Lone Star State through one of his signature acts, in Texas size portions, and now is the time to mess with Texas. In furtherance of that goal, here are the top 5 ways to mess with Texas in the wake of Hurricane Harvey:

Fire Ants are so Crazy they have been messing with Texas for years, lets give them a hand

1) Fire Ants- Solenopsis invicta, causes billions of dollars in damage and medical bills, even in a good year. Known for their aggressive behavior, painful bite and sting, nests impervious to dynamite, and the ability to form floating nests when there terrestrial nests are flooded, with that last part being of particular interest, with some pool cleaning tools, or even a paddle, you can direct balls of infestation incarnate almost anywhere, attics, sheds, bedrooms, cars, the places that a shattered family trying to piece things back together, or relief & construction workers would love to find a ball of creatures committed to two things, defending the colony, and @#$%ing you up, in no particular order.

Honestly, they built that in a hour

2) Help Latin Americans across the border - For a state founded by illegal Anglo immigrants it is funny-sad how much they hate illegal immigrant, really grinds their gears. So while large swaths of Texas are underwater, make sure everyone on the other side of the boarder knows now is the time to rush the boarder, handing out rafts, ladders ( both to get over "The Wall" and for their future in their construction/landscaping business), Spanish to English Dictionaries, discounted burner phones and lists of sympathetic Catholic priests, and let the natural ingenuity and spirit of the Mexican people do the rest. Next year, when you are snacking on delicious authentic Mexican food provided by trucks on every-corner, while reading Don Quixote in the original for the first time, you'll thank me.

3) Take their guns away - Okay FEMA, they already think you are some sort of clandestine MK-ULTRA-esque sort of agency, so, in the name of public safety, why not try to take some of their guns away, you know, from the craziest ones, what could go wrong? And if something does go wrong, well that's a good reason to take more guns away from a larger group of slightly less crazy, but still very crazy, Texans, and soon the whole state is Mad Max on the Bayou fighting the Feds to keep their guns, which will be brutally put down by the military, and despite being once proud, and still powerful, it will harbor a deep sense of victimhood that will both unite and drive them, and what could go wrong with that? They will probably just get in line and shake it off, right?

4) Withhold Federal Aid, vindictively - With the Congressional war cry as a mocking "Remember Hurricane Sandy", withhold any sort of aid for the stricken state as a lone finger salute to the Lone Star's state's stinginess towards East Coast folk when they were in a similar situation. Let's make this a test run for their vaunted sovereignty, how well do they handle themselves in the unexpected? And we will be back when they've dried out and gotten everything in order, then we can have a discussion on the importance of helping the less fortunate, or if the whole place has gone survivalist-apocalypse, we can move to method #5.

5) Appoint Hillary Clinton as the Military Governor of what was once Texas - While it will be painful to allow Hillary Clinton to have anything, and having an important appointed position will probably give her an outsized idea of how many votes she can command, if we are truly committed to messing with Texas in its weakened state, than the Queen of the Carpetbaggers is the only way to go. With her smug elitism, sketchy methods, and weird marriage she will grate nerves Texans don't even know they have, like rare elements formed within the cores of stars, new, legendary and fantastical forms of rage will be manifested and focused at Hillary Clinton, who will bask in it, and further her liberal bonafides by sticking it to the once proud Texans, before being assassinated and replaced with Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer.

I guess the first thing she should have fixed was sanitation

Your G-d is not Trump's G-d, what you need to know

While authorities on the subject are unsure if Trump worships an established pantheon of gods, or if he hired teams to engineer a pantheon of Trump like characters for him to venerate to encourage positive traits, and discourage him form his natural vices of cannibalism and psychotic rape. Trump keeps an undisclosed number of shrines and  " many a shrouded and moss covered  calvary" The exact object of his veneration has never been found, so we can only deduce through arcane, basic & known, as well as newly invented methods.

While outwardly a Lutheran who obviously relies on the concept of "Justification", and will obviously use the atoning power of Christ as far as that will go, but that doesn't seem to be his primary spiritual driver. As most readers know Trump is infested with sentient eusocial scarabs, as so many of us are, and rarely in control of his actions, instead spending his time suckling dung resin and tweeting. Yet, in the coming climactic battle, many Americans want to know how we will be able to coax his psyche past the opiate like mist his scarab overlord inject into his sphincter to keep him docile, to heroically expel the scarabs, presumably through the ass, and save the day, or overcome their psychic grip and do a simple, but necessary action and save the day, or, more likely, sacrifice everything for the royal nectar, which will allow him to transform into an Ancient Scarab, but there is ...still, a chance.

To that end the Super-Pac "The Enemies of the Scarab",  did a deep, in-depth, illegal, sexual, possibly incestuous exploration of Trumps spiritual life, and created an accurate depiction of Trump's higher power/ Sex-Governess, a dual sex entity standing between 12 and 15 feet, who, theoretically, guides, punishes, and sexually pleasures Trump in angry and cosmic ways, who he calls, in breathy whispers, in Esperanto "La Seksa", who will wake from its transsexual slumber in Trump's greatest hour of need, to defeat his enemies and sexually gratify him in unspeakable and unpopular ways. Whether or not La Seksa can be used to remind our commander chief of his basic, baseline humanity, or if this has all been a fools game, and even the embrace of the 69 nine arms, each with 39 suckers, which are both vaginas and mouths, leading to a central pleasure beak, wont be able to save us.  

La Seksa is basically, a sexy Cthulhu