While the bears are away, the Eskimo's will play

Ladies?

As Polar Bear numbers dwindles, the Eskimo population is poised to explode, just as it was decimated by the little Ice Age between 1400 and 1600, which ended Inuit whale hunting in the high arctic, both due to climate change, and polar bears who you can't prove weren't sentient and malevolent, during that period, you just can't. Honestly, mirror test a 15th century Polar Bear and prove me wrong, but I don't think you have the guts, or time traveling know how to prove me wrong, just to prove me wrong. Even in their current dumbed down form the large ursine carnivore is a sympatric predator of the Eskimo, who find it nearly impossible to compete with the Charismatic Megafauna, as hunters or as a popular symbol of their polar region, but thanks to global warming and resurgent whale populations, the Eskimo's are feeling lucky now that they no longer need to compete with the extremely sexually dimoprhic bears who are always the center of attention at any event they attend.

Tuunraq, keeper of game, hopes you get lucky

Now,as the people of the circumpolar region who live in stilted houses say, " If the stilts are a rocking, don't come a knocking", which used to refer to out of control alcoholism and domestic violence, but it increasingly refers to sex fueled by the total lack of fear that polar bears instill as predators and economic rivals and the warmer ice free temperatures, cause the poorly constructed dwelling to sway.

Have bears and arctic temperatures been the only thing holding the Eskimo's sexual revolution back? Well that's what I told these two Greenland Inuits

Of course, now that Eskimo's are free to spend their endless summer days cavorting in the taiga, unafraid of being attacked by the largest carnivorous predator in the world mid-coitus, or being unable to bring home the blubber because you got chased from your kill by some white @$$hole, will it lead to a boom in the Eskimo population, or will these new found liberties be primarily recreational? Or was it the fear of the Polar Bear that got them in the mood in the first place, that the fact that a 2,000 pound apex predator could choose to make you and your family its meal, at any moment, and there is nothing you could do about it, drove the Eskimo's to cherish life in a way they no longer will, devolving into an internet porn addiction at some point unless those majestic beasts are reintroduced into their lives, or they turn to increasingly niche fetishes.

Nothing like a Polar Bear to spice up your sex life

 

Rabbi X rides again!

Rabbi X, also known as Rabbi Yisrael Sassover, which itself is probably an alias, has been absent from the public eye for much of the Obama Presidency as he worked as the beloved President's dealer and Backchannel-Meister, both positions created by President Warren G. Harding, before returning to the private sector, which promptly rejected him, which has led him back to his roots, fringe religion/social activism. Unfortunately, due to his 1990's radio zoo handle "The Cantor of Cunt", who much like Jimmy Kimmel in his launch vehicle "The Man Show", was a rude, crude, and wildly misogynistic, which was far more acceptable in the late 90's right up till 9/11, but thanks to the internet, our zombie selves will always been nipping at our heels. As such, he was unable to take part in the Women's March, and has subsequently been left out of the Anti-Trump loop, probably by design, though the Rabbi insists it's "Purely a bureaucratic issue due to some outstanding warrants" and that they are saving him for some cultural American Ragnarok, so he needs to save his strength, and to cultivate his chi using "kabbalah", and hoarding cocaine.

"Now, is it good to help narco-terrorists, no, but on the other hand think of all the learning you could do!"

That is until one fateful night while looking for neshema's to save on dark net chat rooms, and sources to score wholesale quantities of uncut cocaine from, that he briefly got involved with the white power movement. Snow blind from cocaine, Rabbi X penned a mad manifesto, using various web sites suggested by new friends, and rationalizing that Christianity is just Greco-Latin Judaism, and Islam is just Arab Judaism, and there were already Black Hebrews, so the Rabbi formulated White Judaism, and began proselytizing to other out of control coke heads who found themselves adrift in this Modern Era. His efforts with his local chapters of various white power movements, eventually culminated in a Youtube video of a entire compound of White Supremacists celebrating a relatively authentic Shabbos, which went viral, leading to national chapters of various white power movements brutally reinserting Jesus into the live of White Supremacists throughout the San Joaquin valley, though scattered enclaves of "X Jews"   living in survivalist communes in northern California and Oregon are said to have survived, adding to list of things that they had been decimated by, but survived, as the Rabbi had taught them. 

Here a community of X Jews can be seen celebrating a traditional Shabbos, as the sacred Youtube video has taught

As the Rabbi always says " Life is what happens while your hoarding guns and cocaine", and unfazed by his loss of prestige, the subsequent raids of his drug-ware and safe houses, and well known connection to the white power movement that would hobble a less shameless man in normal society, he danced from one social extreme to the other, like the great awkward circle of monogender dancers at one of Rabbi X's infamous Neo-Orthodox weddings. The Rabbi, under the assumed name of Tooley Shmuogoldstein, illegally rented an abandoned rangers cabin in Capital State Forest, and began plotting how to bring "True Equality to the Races", with the eventual goal of, once again, gathering a cult like following.

The Green Mile: The Passion of Gary Sinise

Whether it was Gary Sinise who gaslighted a mentally enfeebled Hanks into a dark prison fantasy film, or Hanks resurgent personality after years of physical therapy, psychological therapy, spiritual therapy etc. etc. attempt to confront his greatest fear, Gary Sinise, one thing was sure, Michael Clark Duncan wasn't going to "let two bat%$#@ insane, crazy white dudes @#$% this shot at immortality up for me". While Gary Sinise would have probably attempted to assault and humiliate Hanks several times during filming... and while he was visiting his family... and dining with work friends to avoid being ambushed by Gary Sinise who would demand social, sexual, or contractual favor in return for not assaulting him in unspeakable ways, as he described in his self published N.Korean Exclusive " Brains on the Rocks are Just food" and " Tom Hanks is a depraved Rapist, a N. Korean guide to killing Tom Hanks" Narrated by Gary Sinise.

Bruce Willis supposedly helped get Michael Clarke Duncan the role of what Forbes Magazine called a "Magic Negro Figure"  

Michael Clark Duncan saved Tom Hanks from what Gary Sinise described as an "Inside outing of what makes Tom Hanks human, sane, and inoffensively heterosexual" adding several lines describing his planned fetishistic rituals, for when he had imprisoned Hanks, after that Sinise had his head pressed against a cinderbloc wall by Duncan till Sinise concussed, tied him to a raft, and sent him down river where he was rescued by amorous fans who marveled at the beauty of his mouth, though it turned out it was just James Cromwell and Sam Rockwell method acting as two sado-sexual hillbillies, after they were done with all their "methods" they wished to "act" on a now shattered Sinise. In return for destroying the troubled actor they were promised parts in Michael Clark Duncun's off Broadway musical "My Way" a tale of transsexual wrestling set to covers of Sinatra favorites, before it was shut down by the Sinatra estate. It was a masterful plan that might have worked if not for the all encompassing, hyper-focused, what he calls love, but what we would recognize as something dark, destructive and wrong, that drives him ever towards Tom Hanks, in what he insists on making, a collision course.

Here a dehydrated and unmedicated Sinise has taken over the stage, and has placed his foot over the guitarists head and threatened to "Go Gallagher on him" if everyone didn't keep partying

Gary Sinise had a psychotic break and believed himself to now be both Sinise AND Hanks, as he attempted to replace Hanks on set, find and wear hanks cloths, and try and sleep with his wife, while trying to convince everyone that the new Hanks-Sinise hybrid was the Hanks they all loved, but so much more, all of which they found horrifying. Duncan, tasked with cleaning up the mess, locked him in a cabin "Black Snake Moan" style, till he regained his senses enough to finish filming, and then he was promptly sent to a now abandoned Asylum in French Guiana  to protect Hanks and his family from further trauma.

Trump to release a terrifying evil from its ancient slumber

This is the kind of support Trump craves 

Trump misses his old White house, a lot. From Bannon coming in with his party hat modified to handle two handles of scotch, while forgetting his pant. Trump and Kushners regular impromptu and scheduled tickle fights. Ten beautiful days were Scaramucci did a capoeira/parkour style dance, but instead of fighting or fleeing, he was doing lines off of everything and everyone, while looking for leaks and "communicating". Sean Spicer discretely pleasuring himself in the bushes, while Bannon orally pleasures himself, egged on by a wildly sniffling Scaramucci, Michael Flynn taping it for his "Russia Friends", who "just wanted to see how dudes party". All that only worked when you had Rance Priebus to bully, it is almost comical how easily you can make the man cry, and cry he did.

A Bannon-O-Gram costs extra if you don't want him to put on black face

Now it seems, he has chief of Staff John Kelly, a retired, multi star general (You start to count stars, where does it end? Shall we count the sand on the beach?) has committed to a brutal and, perhaps, despite everything, uncalled for culling of Trumps White House, which included the firing of some high level people, but also involved the state sanctioned murder of a lot of staffers to "set the tone" in the new White House. Yet when the lord high executioner has been away, besides sending secret missives to his bromantic partner Bannon, and paying for Bannon-O-Grams to see his old friend again, but refusing to tip him, and smoking weed whenever Kelley turns his back, but... In addition to these juvenile acts of rebellion Trump has been cavorting with sleazy archaeologists in an attempt to locate the wine embalmed sarcophagus of Asmodeus, Lord of Demons, who helped build the 1st Temple in Jerusalem, and seduced Solomon (He changed his name to Koheleth to avoid mockery afterwards, and then Asmodeus went after his mom)  to help him fix his failing presidency, something he learned about during  a regularly scheduled tickle fight with Kushner, a tickle fight so intense they ended up pissing on each other and getting a scolding from Kelly, yet, since that vitamin scented afternoon, Trump has thought of little other than freeing, binding, and befriending Asmodeus.



Trump, using the full power of the Federal government forged a series of decoder rings for himself and the other members of "Operation Kelly Keep-Away" which had four goals A) Locating the Prison/Sarcophagus of the devious and powerful entity. B) Binding it to our Presidents will C) Befriend/sacrificing to Asmodeus to get him in Trumps corner. D) All concerned will crap on Kelly's doorstep, "A @#$% Bukkake", said Rabbi Israel Sassover, Trump's new spiritual adviser who is obviously Scaramucci dressed as a Haredi Jew, in a fake beard powdered with cocaine, and then the assembled would urinate on their scat to create a hard to clean, unsightly, and smelly mess for "The Church Lady" to grumpily clean up, at which time the gang pelts him with rotten eggs that have been marinating in Bannon's man-shack since April.

Here we can see the gang comically fail at trying to order pizza, and instead content themselves with tickling and pissing on a traumatized Pence

Unfortunately, for those assembled, they were being led by Trump who immediately mangled the plan, tweeted about it, and decided to move forward with A, C and D without any clear idea of how to accomplish B, because research on B was taking too long and he was getting fidgety and belligerent. A black ops expedition to the Levant was launched and the sarcophagus was retrieved, in addition the expedition brought back several specimens for Trump's human zoo, too bad CNN won't talk about that success, because it is secret, and horrible, and they and their families would be targeted if they did. Since then the President has embarked on a series of inexplicable and cruel actions which seem nonsensical, unless you are trying to open a hell pit to allow you to release an ageless evil, but as of press time, the most he has elicited from the White House hell pit is a twitch and quiver, yet the possibility of an unrestrained creature being released from its sarcophagus, a being of limitless evil, power, and craftiness being unleashed on the nation, which, according to a recent poll, is preferred to a continued Trump Presidency[zing], like Trump in a debate, is imminent and looming