Trump's Pi day takes a pro-Pie turn

Are the mathematical qualities of Pi, for squares?

While those truly devoted Pi Day observers will argue whether the day is 4/13 or 3/14, or how far those who truly love a good circle should go after the decimal point, and those less puritanical adherents, who tolerate such talk, in return for round flaky desserts bursting with pectin fused deliciousness, Trump has insisted on honoring the dessert, over its inspiration.

Upon receiving this vanity pie from "Ray NJ Pizza", Trumped retired to the Residence for 2 hours of impromptu executive time, while staffers ignored moans of...eating? Till a sweaty grinning POTUS mumbled something about liking Italian before Kelly hosed the room down and bleached it.  

Ignoring the symbol of Pi entirely the President had arranged a series of photo ops with contributing restaurateurs, house wives of Scandinavian descent, and the "Pie-style" guy who made it a few rounds in a food-network show. Other White House "Pie Day" events included a depressing Pie fight Trump forced Interns to participate in, a Pie eating contest, followed by chain-vomiting, an "American Pie" themed orgy, and pie @#$%ing.

Later that day Trump revealed he he had used the egg-head holiday to put together a list of STEM extremists to purge from the government who had complained about the Pie centric behavior, despite National Pie Day being on January 23rd, and the mystery of the spheres being eternally perplexing and alluring, whereas the allure of a food in a shape that is, theoretically, infinitely divisible, is obvious.

Sex Toys in the classroom?

Not for the students! Who are under 18, without a Permission letter, unless permitted by state law

While allowing sex toys, both their storage and use, in the classrooms, library, principles office, inside ones own locker if space permits, A Professors office and/or panel van, the teachers lounge, or on a pile of belongings that people carelessly left in the classroom, seems antithetical to the principles of academia, we all know that just makes it hotter. While students, professors, teacher, assistants of various denominations,  and of course, janitors have known, holistically, that getting off with the help of sexual aides helps them be patient, kind, occasionally out of breath, improved concentration, and improve self-esteem, but now researchers are backing them up, and so are legislators. Disgraced, but still hilarious and likable, former Senator Al Franken commented:

" Had I had the pantheon of goofy, comical, over the top, and surprising anatomically correct, while still plummeting into the uncanny valley in a rainbow of ways, sex toys to play out my humorous machinations with, using a human model would have been the furthest thing from my mind. While the flight of ideas that typify a comical genius like me, should never be stifled by petty morality, but I understand that, in the current political climate, where the victims are now being heard, it isn't time for standing up for honking a women's imaginary breasts over her flack jacket, while getting revved up to entertain the troops, even if it deprives the good people of Minnesota of proper representation, and all my hilarious boners, figurative and otherwise"

Followed quickly by an attempted cock punch this journalist deftly parried, but not without having to endure the collateral titty twist, as so many journalists have in return for interviewing the beloved thespian, former senator,  and infamous national treasure.

 

MIT, Harvard, and Rape U have come out with volumes of data, for the first time written with both hands due to technology, instead of the oral and digital skills of pliant and/or star struck interns, that supports the regular us of sex toys to improve physical and psychological health, and their normalization in society. Researchers, who clearly practice what they preach, as evidenced by the sounds emanating from the researchers torso of vibrations, various electronic alerts, scrotal movement, and the otherwise explainable glassy stares  and heavy breathing of researchers distractedly taking questions, promised that the muting of ones acute biological imperative through regular release, would make up for soporific behavior, and a general lack of initiative. While a clear, breathy argument can be made on both sides, this reporter can't help wonder, won't somebody think of the children?

This sexual sculpture had been hanging in Mrs. Delaney's of  Duluth, MN, classroom, before the schoolmarms and city-father forced her to take it down

Michael Shannon wants you to know, he ain't so bad

"I will never hurt you...without a safe word"

"I am doing the best I can with the face G-d gave me, and the authority I have carefully cultivated in my voice, and I am nothing like my grandfather" Said the Antagonist of 2017 Best Picture The Shape of Water.  " I am neither an entomologist, crypto-bigot, or have ever faked my own death to forward a genocidal plot instigated by the Knights of the Golden Circle" Stated for no apparent reason while Guillermo Del Toro whooped and hollered, as Octavia Spencer took a shit on the floor.

While the exact motivation Mr. Shannon had for bringing up his storied Grandfather are a mist of ether, cocaine, and mysterious Toro powder, one thing is for sure, that man doesn't represent him. Raymond Corbett Shannon who was a medical entomologist specializing in Diptera, who might have, or have not, faked his own death to take part in a Dixiecrat conspiracy, the world rarely knows, but it isn't Michael!

What is known, is that Michael Shannon is strong, impervious to conventional weapons, and wants to live a life beyond the shadow of secretive southern aristocrats and intellectuals bent on racial dominance.  He just likes channeling himself into his art, and only maintains a collection of his  grand fathers things as a personal museum and sensorium, and a sentient crocodile he periodically wrestles with to establish mating dominance, for artistic purposes.

One thing is for sure, while everyone called  5-year old him a liar when he said his dead grandfather  immolated himself to stop the spread of a terrible infection, after telling him how much he loved him and his father, but hated his bitch mother, which also happened to be the first and only time he met his Grandfather, was a formative experience.   

5 Ways to resolve the NFL protests

The fans weren't sure if they were protesting, or saluting, and they didn't much care

1)  A choreographed dance number to a different piece of Patriotic music - Americans can't stand quiet kneeling, who can, its preachy, passive, and most importantly, boring. No one watches sports to see people take a knee, if it was any other portion of the game, a goofy mascot would provide a sideshow for the less politically inclined shirtless painted guy who is already three beers and two hot dogs into a "life affirming" ritual. Instead of being comforting, patriotic, set to British drinking song to mock their thin skinned effete sensibilities and love of ceremony, there is an eerie reminder that the fight for liberty and equality is an eternal struggle against our worst selves. Instead I offer options for delightful patriotic displays to contrast with National Anthem that don't clash with its themes of casual violence and tumescent spectacle. From "The Stars and Stripes Forever" blaring from Bison with  sound systems strapped to their backs, which will spook the animals into galloping across the fields, or perhaps drowning out the national anthem with the protesting players singing "Yankee Doodle", while setting off fire works. Quiet dignity is great for quiet times, behind closed doors, close family and friends, and that crazy asshole from the bar that talks like Trump, but not at the most spectacular thing most of us can ever be a part of, as close to Mad Max as most of us are willing to get. So go big, or stand up and pretend to mumble the words!



2) Have a player beat a dirty cop to death before the coin toss - Football, as it is played by the NFL, is soft-core bloodsports, its controlled violence that we all watch (and will pay a premium for a live viewing of) hoping things will get out of control, and if nobody does get hurt, or hurt enough, on the field, we can expect riots. Violence wise, football is the closest most of us can get to rubbing our violence nub without fines or jailtime. So lets kill two birds with one stone, and get the fans' juices' percolating, prevents rioting due to collective blue-balls, and get some of that sweet social justice everyone keeps talking about. A championed player chosen by consensus, in full team regalia, to beat a dirty cop, not unconscious, not to the edge, or to actual, death, but until his teammates have to pull him off of the mutilated pile of ground beef that used to be Officer So & So, of whoever's finest, before they broke the laws they were supposed to uphold, Oh, I am getting brain gasims just outlining it. We would have the dirty cop chosen by one egg being placed in the jar for every cop who is doing time for using their position to commit a crime, with one egg being black, and each dirty cop would pick an egg while blindfolded, until the black egg is chosen, who will be given a rats-ass of a chance in a fight against an athletic behemoth in padding. Honestly, I thinks this little addition could become more popular than the original game.


3) Wear Trump masks with cock and balls drawn onto both sides of the face, while standing for the national anthem - Let it be know, that your fight isn't with this nation and its people, but instead by an "Eat @#$% and Die" mentality of a certain segment of this country, towards other segments of this nation, that have been championed in a flamboyant way that hasn't been seen in at least half a century,  by Trump, so let us focus.  First of all, to the players, this in no way implies that you enjoy anonymously sucking cock, but instead that it is the President who enjoys that specific past-time, and if your pride still will not let you don this mask, for equality, then you were never that committed to begin with. To the fans, they're standing now! Are you happy? If not, you are being entirely unreasonable, the players are standing shoulder to shoulder with America, while quietly, hilariously, and spectacularly spoofing a symbol of what is cancerous in the American spirit. Lastly, to the owners, before you say it is never going happen, let me say, Merchandise, and when you try to counter, I will just keep shouting "Merchandise!", for Merica! While the original masks  will be hand made, and purchased by the players, the owners could put out versions with the teams color, with classic cock and balls illustrations, the R. Crumb is a favorite, while the Warhol is more gouche than the Gouche. Of course the cry of partisan Trump fans, to be "fair", will have to be met with a cock-and-balls Obama mask, and, I think, seeing Obama and Trump, drunkenly making out, with cock and balls pixelated out, on the kiss-cam, is the healing this nation needs. 


4) Releasing bees during the national Anthem - Alright, you are a patriotic, but how patriotic? If your patriotism is so great,  that players can't protest an important issue effecting their community during one of their few chances to publicly make a stand, you should be able to do it, covered in bees. It's time to put up, or shut up, is the singing of the national anthem a litmus test of ones patriotism or not? Because a lot of Americans have put up with a lot more than bees (and the smoke required to clear out the bees after the national anthem), so we can have the freedoms we enjoy today, and many of them were protesters. So, if this tabernacle of the tackle is too holy for a political protest, show it with bees, and the NFL will be marketing team themed bee kits for the patriotic home viewer. 



5) More Cheerleaders - Nuff said