In a rare, candid moment, Bill Clinton admits Donald Trump is his fault

"Yup, I basically lowered the bar on everything" Said a clearly High and Coked up former President Clinton, nursing a black eye, and hiding out from Hillary till she sobered up again. "Between my personal behavior towards women before and during my presidency, my sly manipulation of the media, being able to regularly break the law and get away with it, in plain view! Think about it, had there been broad bi-partisan support for my impeachment on moral and legal grounds, how the hell could anyone vote for a known philanderer and misogynist?" The former leader of the free world said between puffs on his blunt while being orally pleasured by a prostitute that was clearly part of a Chinese honeypot scheme.

Just how Bill Clinton likes them, mildly attractive, and entirely at his mercy

"Take 'Su Dix' if that is her real name, no, no, don't talk, I know she was sent by Beijing, but I am already, and have been since 1992, in their pocket, frankly right now, I am their play thing as much as Su Dix is mine. Do you think people could shrug off a clear Russian connection to Trump, if there hadn't been a clear connection between me and China, and during my term as President I did everything I could to pave the way for their ascent even at that expense of the American worker and our national security? Hell nooo!" Said the climaxing former Governor of Arkansas.

The former President thanks G-d every day that dogs can't talk to the press, and even if they could they can be bought off with Peanut butter

"Of course there is the more obvious level, my general sleaze, so abundant and potent it sticks to anything and anyone associated with me: My wife, my interns, my vice president, the list can go on and on" Said the man who publicly tarnished the office of the Presidency on many occasions. " But on a more meta level, had I not repealed Glass-Steagall, the economy might not have tanked as much, or not at all, John McCain would have been a two term President, and no one is electing a 74 year old has been reality star to the Presidency since Barack Obama would have had enough experience with consensus building to be one of the greats, but, oh, well" Said the man who was elected on a populist platform thanks to an eccentric billionaire, against George Bush, Reagan's VP, who became president, and presided over our victory against the USSR.


Additional reporting provided by the Chinese Ministry of State Security