Discarded Campaign Poster #1

The ideas of having the two Clintons tag team wrestle Trump/Pence, as well as having Donald and Hillary Wrestle in inflatable sumo suits, and campaigning for the title for a male spouse of the president to be "Pappa Roach" were also rejected 

Clinton "just wanted to @#$% Muslims"

In an unusual display of candor an exasperated and exhausted Hillary Clinton, in the wake of her husband questioning the loyalty of Muslim Americans, had this to say:

" He's not Islamophobic for @#$% sake, he just wanted to lower the self esteem of all Muslims so he could @#$% a select few at will, he has nothing against Allah or his prophet Muhammad, he just wanted to @#$% Muslims, when its about sex you forgive him! When its about sex you forgive everyone! [breaks down sobbing]"

A clearly depleted and probably inebriated Clinton was led off stage while she deliriously sang "The Star Spangled Banner" after a series of events orchestrated by a band of mice who are also ardent Bernie Sanders supporters, and who have, through heroics and deed unparalleled in mouse adventures,  successfully sabotaged Hillary Clinton's  campaign for President and specifically her coronation and show of unity at the DNC. Their antics and their attenuating payoff might seem trivial, but when carried out unseen, by mice, the psychological effect can be devastating.

You don't want to know the sick antisemitic shit he had to say to get her in the sack

Erdogan now front runner for "Hitler of the Year"

Between the amoral consummate party player and the out of control blustering populist id in America, as well as growing xenophobia in the UK, white Anglo's were thought to be a shoe in for "Hitler of the Year" until Erdogan "Coup". Of those who are unaware of the "Hitler of the Year" Award, they are chosen for their: Disregard for democratic institution, the subversion of legal safeguards, as well as about 213 completely secrete and esoteric criteria known only to the Hierarchy, and are in turn used to control the population, and bend them to the popular will.

Tens of thousands of Turkish citizens: School teachers, college professors, police Judges etc. are being detained, raped, tortured, and sever travel restriction have been placed on millions more, after a nebulous, short lived and seemingly harmless Coup on July 15th which seems to have given the President that would be Dictator a Casus Belli against all his enemies,no matter their actual involvement in the coup, after a suspicious incident where the nations parliament was bombed.

Here are what some contenders had to say about this upset:

"Hitler was powerful man, with a beautiful wife, who had the best' guns, the best planes, the best missiles, now am I going to go around killing Jews and Homosexuals, well yeah, but not because they are Jews and Homosexuals, so perhaps I wasn't running for the spot, but I woulda scrapbooked it" Trump said before tipping a wheelchair bound veteran into the crowd below while crying in anger over losing, despite the trivial nature of the award.

Trump went on to promise, if elected, he wouldn't be a Hitler, he would 10 of the best Hitlers, 1933-42 Hitlers, its going to be yuuuge

The Clinton campaign downplayed this slight to her endless lust for power, they chose to play offended "Hillary is an avowed and staunch Stalinist, and as such has a particular antipathy and sensitivity towards Nazism and Hitler in particular " they reported to Pravda, though sources around the former first lady report a considerable uptick in arbitrary summary executions of staff.

While we understand she was angry, she didn't have to do what she did to that intern, on her birthday

MP Boris Johnson was, as of press time, too involved with a maniacal scheme to drive Theresa May insane by sneaking his hyper-sexual feline familiar "Palmerston" into 10 Downing street, forcing the Prime Minister to furiously call the police to eject the protected and famous feline while a barely obscured Johnson giggled from the bushes outside.

While there are still four plus months and a US election before the final tally is in, and Hitler-esque leaders are known for their lighting fast moves, and explosive defeats. Yet, as of late July, there is no leader who has seized so much power, so eroded the independence and power of important institutions, and systematically and brutally crushing all opposition, which is what a leader must do to be "Hitler of the Year".

The DNC would like to remind you how evil all Russians are, always

The DNC and their FBI dogs are "Like totally, 101% sure" Grigori Rasputin is the root of the hacker attack on the DNC

As the DNC got their ass handed to them by a group of anonymous hackers, and their first inclination was to blame the Russians, based on the these correlating facts:
- How the information was inputted, could have been from a Cyrillic keyboard
- The hackers didn't work on Russian holidays
- The Hackers, people with the ability to manipulate electronic data, used IP addresses associated with Russian servers
- Russians are known to be be stone faced maniacs who will do and say anything to get what they want, and they will drown their conscious  in vodka later

A state dept sources who asked not be named for fear of Clinton's "Lurkers in the Shadows" said " The attack was elegant, like a ballerina trained from birth to be perfection in human form and trained by an elderly gymnast, whose own dreams of glory were crushed in a Nazi invasion and the rebuilding of his shattered homeland from the ashes" adding "These hackers are probably the children of disaffected Russian officials and former soviet revolutionaries" before nervously walking, then running, away.

You know this guy was, probably, involved

A DNC spokesman, who insisted I call him Cecil Rodriguez, stated "We would just like to remind the electorate how evil Russians are, the depths of their depravity, and their innate talent for subterfuge, and how it is a part of them, and how their leader, Vladimir Putin, is the worst of the lot" and added, "off the record, even the 'Good Ones' are probably just spies".

Democrats Fudge their convention

Here Debbie Wasserman Shultz can be seen receiving the news of 20,000 leaked emails

As the Democratic front runner had been recovering from her testosterone and crystal meth injections, and for no reason was she to be disturbed, especially using the unspoken medium (E-mails). On the other hand it had just been proven beyond any conceivable doubt that the DNC conspired to push the coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton, using such tactics as:
  - Jew Baiting
  - Questioning Sanders commitment to his faith during southern primaries
  - Colluding with journalists to promote a favorable image of Clinton, over Sanders
  - Using the DNC to pressure journalists into promoting Hillary Clinton
  - Using the DNC to intimidate journalists who were pro-Sanders or anti-Hillary
And that is just what pertains to the DNC, that has been refined from 20,000 emails delivered just days ago. Some in the DNC have blamed the Russian government, as many in the Clinton campaign believe Trump and Putin are carrying on a torrid love affair over their mutual sexualization of power.

Vodka and Autocratic beliefs make strange bedfellows

Trying to avoid the vengeful Queen of politics, her entourage quickly went looking for a female minority from a swing state to replace Shultz with before anyone noticed and they would be crushed by a figurative rolling ball of media attention as it barrels down the narrow confines of convention coverage. As a result, meet your new ring master, Marcia Fudge

Guess what!? She believes what democrats are supposed to believe and never used the DNC to pick a fight with the nations most popular progressive

 

Caution "F" word

Now that you have been duly warned, I plan to use the word "Fuck" a fucktillion times to describe a futuristic hierarchy based on who you have fucked, who you are fucking, who you could realistically fuck in the future, and who these fuck partners have, are and will fuck. Welcome to the Fuckocracy! You're in the game now.

While eskimo relations have long been part of all human societies, as more and more functions can be done by machines or destitute nations, and instead of any productive per suite, your place in society will be decided by a psychosexualmentaculis our brains have yet to evolve  into, in order to preform such sexual math, and even they will need a vast and complex VR AI system to keep track of it all, and while our fucking will be looked back upon as some pastoral golden age of romantic and naturalistic fucking, we can not comprehend the all encompassing fuck we will give and receive thousands of years from now, and how each act of genital contact, for better or for worse, will be immortalized forever, or as they will refer to it , your "Fuck-life" as it pertains to "The circle of fucks".

While there is a class of socially dead "Fuckless Ones", who never fuck, and thus are not part of general society, but instead live off the " Fucktithe", which is a stamp tax for every recorded act of intentional genital contact, and to fail to record such contact is illegal, taboo, and inadvisable considering how much employers frown upon gaps in your FuckCV, or lose the social modifiers for most regional fucks for a certain quadrant. These Fuckless Ones, comprising about 1-2% of the population maintain all essential non-fuck related infrastructure, and tend to live rich, honest and fulfilling lives, though they are pitied by the fucking masses.

To maintain the quality and integrity of the fuck, fuck rehearsals are not uncommon

The fuck related infrastructure is maintained by those practicing procreative monogamous sex, The Families,which itself is considered something entirely different than the births among the general population that only occur after .001% of fucks, due to cheap but somewhat ineffective birth control, considering the number of fucks occurring on any given day, with these births accounting for 85% of total births, but almost all of them are then fostered by Families, as a life of constant fuck-traps, or what we would call romance, is no place for a child. These children are raised till adolescents, when the parents will return to mentor the teen in the ways of the fuck, as a lineal connection, and past and resulting fucks will have a direct impact on their societal fuckscore for as long as their line shall live.

Many humans have returned to the oceans, preferring the 3- Dimensional fuckscape it provides

Now, to your simplistic puritan mind this world sounds base and culture-less, and I won't shoot back "It would be with the way you fuck", because it would make you sad, and kindly put, your sexual imagination is like comparing a gnat to dolphin, both in size, ingenuity, ability to use tools, playing, and having sex hundreds of times in a day, the poverty of that comparison is almost as vast as of that, of you, having sex with anybody in the entire world, under any circumstance, and the fuck that any member of the fuckocracy could provide to any member, at any time.

The fuck has become the cumulative artistic endeavor of the majority of the population, lacking anything better to do, for millennia, after millennia, becoming the greatest and most human artistic experience to ever occur, for thousands of years, drawing human and alien time travelers from across the cosmos for that 20,000 years of hyper-animated bliss, making the multigenerational tapestry of fucks all the more exotic and dazzling, and presided over our fucking, nodding and salivating Old Ones, gnashing and bellowing as they flare with their eyestalks at all that man was doing, heavens afire in terrifying displays which egged the populace on to greater acts of hedonistic play acting, sexual sculpting, and hyper-realistic holographic depictions of acts preformed in an artistic and spiritual flowering the likes of which the universe had never seen before, and never recovered from.

When you fuck the wind, be ready to birth a fuckstorm, as they once said

As anything that could flee to that time and place did so, creating a temporal void lasting thousands of years, rending the universe in temporal and spatial taters, and the few habitable pockets looked at procreation as the cause of all their misfortune and the natural process was forbidden by all species for millions of years, each generation being born artificially and in pain, taking millions of more years to finally recover from "The Great Fuckocalypse".      

When your Candidate loses, how should you commit suicide?

Don't let this be you, because then you would be a @#$% loser

Seppuku? Seppuku! You can't handle seppuku! As a journalist who has been a party to more than one grizzly scene, but less than 150, unlike Felix, he is what we call a "gore whore", but, because I have experience with, but have not become numb to, scenes of violence, self inflicted and otherwise, I know, that when you want to check out, and for those of you looking for a reason, why not politics? Is it because you are worthless? I will probably need to walk you through it.

Remember to look at your suicide from all perspectives, one mans martyr is another's terrorist

So Hillary or Trump are now the President, and you still have to get through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a winter of long nights to be spent alone, are you just going to wing it on election day? Maybe if you want it to go like your life has so far, you can, but the golden rule of suicide is to remember "You can only do it once", unless you are a coward who was never serious about it, probably even cut horizontally, because you're weak.

Firearms

The most common method of [successful] suicides are firearms, unless you live in China where you have to scarf down pesticides because you can't even fall anymore because of suicide prevention nets. Where to shoot? Ask yourself that! In a Seinfeld voice now! Well, if you are drunk and horny like Van Gogh was you would shoot yourself in the stomach and take three days to die from your wound, sepsis will probably be involved. Heart and head are the place to be, possibly with an engraved firearm minted just for this purpose, for pizzazz. If you have to use a shotgun, slugs, not pellets, and maybe wrap yourself in your causes flag first, a sentimental suicide, is a good suicide.

No valuables to stain or property to stigmatize. Check. Surrounded by natural beauty that will give you the strength to do it. Check. Flag. Check. Strategically located so you will be found by a picnicking family that will never be the same. Check

Suffocation/Hanging

When you choose hanging, you are advertising yourself, tell a story

So you have decided to forgo a warriors death for that of a common criminals, that's fine, your hand probably wasn't steady enough. Important thing to remember, between the beginning of the suffocation to the point of unconsciousness you are probably going to have second thoughts, and at times like those its especially important to remember how much everyone is going to miss you, and wish they had treated-you/voted, differently.

Falling

This is like hanging, without a rope, and with a monumental chair, so it's not like hanging. Your body will probably get torn up or it wont work and you'll be an angry suicidal paraplegic with confidence issues, @#$% this is like high school all over again without the false hope of a growth spurt.

Misc

Frankly, at this point I am questioning your commitment to offing yourself when candidate X is elected! Fine, just, whenever something warns you against something, do it, eventually something will stick.

Lastly, if you choose not to kill yourself, like you promised EVERYONE you would do, and we  will all call you a coward for chickening out, and you will never live it down, but OK. You can join a cult to find meaning and avoid the fallout from the two party system, or take up a heroin addiction like so many fashionable youngsters are doing these days, or perhaps, if you are sure you don't want to kill yourself, or even live so dangerously that death can be expected, there is always Canada.

Our President's Radical Jihadist

Oahu, Hawaii - There have been quite a few headlines in recent months blaming radical jihadist for unspeakable acts of terror, but our president refuses to equate the two, and to put it frankly, is clearly befuddled, which is not a word this writer uses lightly (unlike "fucktard", that's a favorite). To understand the president attitude and response, one must learn of the Magical Muslims of Hawaii.

Think Arabian Nights meets Baywatch, with more hash

 "Moroccan, Afghani, Pakistani, Persian, Muslim hash is good hash, I will take it any day over that euro trash bubble stuff" Says Muhammad Abed, a 47 year old radical jihadist, who is one of the premier surf instructors on Lanai

In 1994 Muhammad "Guru Danny" Abed pioneered a form of transcendental exercise combining Yoga, Sufi meditation and surfing

"Perhaps it was my anger over having two first names [chuckle] or coming from a moderate Islamic household that never challenged my rebellious side, they were constantly encouraging me to study many different strains of Islam, while still insisting I go to college, it was recipe for coming of age conflict" he added between puffs of Maui Waui " but I had some pretty dark days, before I realized the person I am truly fighting is myself."

Having met at the University of Oahu, Wadi'ah Abed now runs her own kebab shop and sells designer handbags

"So when I was 19 and making due with a C average at Hawaii University - Oahu, in Political Science of all things, even going to a rally or two, what can I say, it was the 80's and we were all worried about the environment" He said with a twinkle in his eye.

" Then, in one year, I met the two most important people in my life, one, my wife Wadi'ah, who taught me Allah could be found in the caress of a women, the smell of the ocean breeze and the first bite of a freshly baked pita, and a young  civil rights attorney visiting the romping grounds of his youth, who taught me, that with the right smile, the world can be yours."

"Bang!bama" pressing flesh with the Ummah

"It was the summer of 88', mushrooms on the beach, babes in bed, and the three of us were so high, we couldn't tell what was love, and what was lust" Muhammad said with a wistful look in his eyes as his wife lovingly, but admonishingly clucked at him while cracking an Obamaesque grin of her own.

The Honolulu Mosque, serving prayer and pancakes six times a day, four and a half stars on yelp, and it is entirely non-threatening

For the next 6- years the three would build a legendary friendship, which flowered into broader relationship with the wider Hawaiian Muslim population,

"Without Obama's insight into life and vibrancy of spirit, I doubt Guru Danny would have been able to vanquish his middle-class angst, which would have probably seen him take up accounting in Oahu, or Allah forbid, the mainland" Their neighbor Aalam Mansouri, a botanist and amateur calligrapher, and, as he will admit, an unrepentantly terrible poet, said.

" Those three helped present a modern version of Islam that was both spiritual, forgiving, and frankly, magical. Muhammad's example, the way he is so naturally himself, of the world and still a devout Muslim, in a sense, well, people want to be around him, I know of no man who has more complete control of themselves, and thoroughly vanquished his negative impulses, than Mr. Abed" He finished.

Muhammad, some times as a surf instructor, as a imam, or"Guru Danny", and other times just as a good friend, brought a kaleidoscope of characters to the Island's Muslim community, which has led to an isolated but vibrant cultural renaissance the likes of which haven't been seen since the Abbasid Caliphate, led by Muhhamud Abed, his wife, and the President he spent an entire Ramadan night surfing with, and that is what President Barack Hussein Obama thinks of when someone says "Radical Jihadist".

Note: Only Hanbali Muslims, who primarily live in the Arabian Peninsula, believe the Jihad of the sword is greater than ones internal Jihad against ones negative impulses

Obama to introduce wolves into your neighborhood

The Department of Health & Human Services has released its analysis of America's Health care spending , which has topped $10,000 for the first time with an average of $10,345 per American. The President had this to say:

"Hello, my fellow American's, as you know health care cost continue to rise, consuming more and more of our nations wealth, and as everyone made clear earlier, it would have been difficult for me to implement my death panels, as me and my Committee for public safety wanted to while drafting the ACA. We also know that some 5% of the population, the weakest, slowest, and most frail- consume the vast majority of services. Lastly, we know that gun violence is a public safety issue, and there is no reason a citizen needs a military grade weapon.

To holistically solve all three issues, while reintroducing a majestic and powerful animal, hunted to near extinction by the greed and avarice of white males, we will reintroduce massive Super-Pacs of wolves into populated areas, while simultaneously confiscating assault weapons  and any magazines over 8 rounds, this method will make the ACA viable again within one to two harsh winters. I understand Congress will try and block my efforts to bring affordable health care and hysterics based gun control to America while enhancing its biodiversity, but we must not falter we must not fail"

While many in the democratic party, at first, opposed creating a situation where vast swaths of the population would be in danger of being torn apart by packs of starving wolves whose population will balloon on unchecked deer, before entering urban environments in force, after the deer population collapses, while simultaneously disarming the public and sending a directive to all government employees to, in any interactions between humans and wolves, to let things "play out".

Sorry Grandma, you are too slow for healthcare

Of course the party got in line when Clinton reminded them that they could all disappear and their families would never know if they were alive or dead. Republicans, surprisingly or not, seemed to only take umbrage with the gun control aspect of the plan, not the release wolves into populated areas to hunt the sick, old and handicapped.

Peanutz

But still worth a chuckle

I say Pokemon NO!

Does the 13-15th Amendment apply to Pokemon?

Washington D.C. - The recent Pokemon Go craze has had idiotic people, going to idiotic places to acquire idiotic things, so naturally, these idiots, acting as such decided to play in Auschwitz and the Washington D.C. Holocaust Museums dedicated to the people murdered by a megalomaniac evil and insane monster's who wished to capture and eliminate entire races of people.

West can be seen oscillating back and forth while making  high pitched beeps, later explaining he posses natural "Jewdar", but Bernie is one of the good ones

Cornel West, who was recently bitten by a radioactive student activist, about the same time that the masked racist " The Black Panther" began checking the white privilege of random college students, and honestly, based on their teeth alone, the city tacitly agrees they are the same person, but don't want to prosecute him as a vigilante because anyone who does will be thought a racist, one of his many super powers, was questioned about the Pokemon Go phenomenon at an abandoned Bernie Sanders rally West refused to leave the podium of. West said "This is a tool of the regressive white regime to condition a new generation of race warriors to imprison and murder all African American males" before using his 300 foot vertical leap to exit the stage.

Area mother, unable to obtain coffee, murders everyone

Murder Tree, WA -In the sleepy, if not isolated and slightly off, pacific northwest hamlet of Murder Tree Washington, the town saw what some are calling the largest mass murder in Murder Tree history since the 1973 Saint Anne's Lynching , which saw an entire busload of nuns murdered by unknown assailants in the forests just outside of town, where the woods whisper, and bullied children enter on a dare, never to be seen again. While that crime scene was only discovered after they drew a vast murder of crows, when one skittish ornithologist who refused to give his name in unspoken fear came upon the grizzly scene when investigating the birds, sometime after the interview, he gouged out his own eyes and committed suicide by self immolation.

The Sole Survivor of Saint Anne's Convent, who chewed off her  own tongue in 1974 and spends her days plaintively looking to Jesus on the cross, and terrified at an unseen entity to her left, where the room is noticeably colder

Some time between 5:30AM and 6:30AM Renata Wall, wife to Nick Wall, the former High School football hero, who now operates a garage in town and is known for his philandering and drinking, and his twin daughters from his previous marriage, Trudy & Cecilia, who made a point of calling Emilia by her first name, and despite their plain appearance, had slept with many of the towns residents. Finally, despairing of getting a %$#@en cup of coffee, on that muggy bug infested dawn, she brutally murdered everyone in the house, four women on her block she suspected of sleeping with her husband, beating one of them to death with her husbands severed head, going on to blow up the diner she worked at as the breakfast crowd swelled, despite the probable presence of drinkable coffee, and died while trying to kill the town sheriff with a brick and screaming in ancient Babylonian.

It wasn't the first morning she said she would kill for a cup of coffee, but it was the first morning she meant it

When asked to comment all the Sheriff would say is " The forest takes, and the town abides" in an inexplicable Maine accent. Town Historian, Hollis Atwood, former asylum Doctor at the town depository for the incurably insane, which was closed in 1997 for its myriad of abuses and severe neglect of its wards, added " Every 15 to 25 years our town has a 'Bad Summer' , children go missing, cattle get torn apart, the shadows come out of the woods and everyone becomes a little 'strange'" adding "even I spent one summer collecting the bones of the towns deceased to make my own city of the damned in the boarded up Asylum because I was sure it was the indomitable will of the Goat King, who led the Murder Tree strangler to take up residence there long after my involvement with the scene".

Arnold wants you to take his "challenge"

The duo are masters of the erotic one-liner and catch phrase

PeanutZ

That night she joined a convent, only to slit her wrists in the bath tub a year later

Major US corporations adopting Kafkaism

On my way to corporate I asked directions but all he said was "Where have they gone, where have they gone, my family, my family".

After making me fill out a series of forms and flow charts that seemed to gauge my class, ethnicity and religion without specifically mentioning them or directly alluding to them, as well as make a series of strange vocalizations, and analyze a series of written works describing violent scenarios. I was led out to an old chemical shed and was told to wait on the floor, despite the many chair stored there, and told to surrender my phone and shoes. After waiting for 3-hours an elderly secretary led me through a narrow hallway, made more ominous by flickering florescence and alternating screams and laughter from the neighboring dentistry practice. I was led into a 10 by 10 foot office with an inexplicable amount of paper cluttering what little space remained. I was beckoned to shoo the office cat from the only remaining chair, but the territorial hissing, and foaming at the mouth made me decide to stand, the disgruntled corporate lobbyist grunted "suit yourself" while obviously taking offense.

All attempts to ask about break room policy were met with obvious agitation, an expansion of his book lungs and the hissing reply " BBBBbbbbrrreak"

Burkes T. Boggat, the man whose office I was awkwardly standing in, further belched " The hot shots back in corporate need X amount of money, we used to be able to trim off Y using old fashioned racism and misogyny, glass ceilings, arbitrary salaries, hiring and firing, just shitty things to do to a person, but it saved money and conformed to long standing prejudices" he said before consuming half a bucket of chicken, throwing the bones to his cat "shitface", while farting loudly and chugging Mountain Dew, before getting back on track. " The trustfund babies and other stockholders ain't giving up [wet fart] X, and we can't reach X without the Y money, but the US taxpayer has us over a barrel as far as making up the saving by systematically denying citizens their basic rights, so we have deny people their basic rights in a manner which defies logic, systematizing , analyzing or correlation, otherwise we get sued, but we still need to make sure our Kafkaesque savings are equal to our bigoted saving, while still providing legal cover to systematically destroy an individual to our advantage [cat wretches yellow frothy, bloody bile and bone shards]". Boggat made several more choking rasping breaths before finishing " So there is nothing you can do about it and our workers will just have to learn to live with the nightmarish and arbitrary, yet colorblind and gender neutral world we have built for them, because what other option do they have bu to run our mazes" before he choked, vomited and died, posthumously voiding his bowels as his cat almost immediately began to feed on the carrion.

They said he, like so many of us, is trapped in the cages of our own mind, of our own making, but I am pretty sure he was just trapped in a literal cage

  

Poo in the snow

Bill Clinton is looking forward to seducing your daughter

Little Rock - While stumping for Hillary with a group of high school girls smoking cigarettes, the former President explained that he desired to provide a variety of sexual experiences to the nations youth, using his fame and wealth to leverage your child into a, seemingly, consensual relationship with a man known for his proclivities whose female captor is other wised engaged. With the White house again within his grasp the former President was heard jubilantly singing the following:

While the teens were flustered and enchanted by his performance, and looking forward to the aforementioned rape, he clarified that he didn't want to forcibly take the daughter of the listeners, but, instead get her to love him through an abduction/quasi Stockholm situation, and went on to show a dramatic rendition of a musical speech he had sung for his kin many years ago, about his desire to abduct and marry your daughter:

So listener, be forewarned

Here the former President can be seen joking about the sex he is going to have with your daughter, with a known rapist