Our President's Radical Jihadist

Oahu, Hawaii - There have been quite a few headlines in recent months blaming radical jihadist for unspeakable acts of terror, but our president refuses to equate the two, and to put it frankly, is clearly befuddled, which is not a word this writer uses lightly (unlike "fucktard", that's a favorite). To understand the president attitude and response, one must learn of the Magical Muslims of Hawaii.

Think Arabian Nights meets Baywatch, with more hash

 "Moroccan, Afghani, Pakistani, Persian, Muslim hash is good hash, I will take it any day over that euro trash bubble stuff" Says Muhammad Abed, a 47 year old radical jihadist, who is one of the premier surf instructors on Lanai

In 1994 Muhammad "Guru Danny" Abed pioneered a form of transcendental exercise combining Yoga, Sufi meditation and surfing

"Perhaps it was my anger over having two first names [chuckle] or coming from a moderate Islamic household that never challenged my rebellious side, they were constantly encouraging me to study many different strains of Islam, while still insisting I go to college, it was recipe for coming of age conflict" he added between puffs of Maui Waui " but I had some pretty dark days, before I realized the person I am truly fighting is myself."

Having met at the University of Oahu, Wadi'ah Abed now runs her own kebab shop and sells designer handbags

"So when I was 19 and making due with a C average at Hawaii University - Oahu, in Political Science of all things, even going to a rally or two, what can I say, it was the 80's and we were all worried about the environment" He said with a twinkle in his eye.

" Then, in one year, I met the two most important people in my life, one, my wife Wadi'ah, who taught me Allah could be found in the caress of a women, the smell of the ocean breeze and the first bite of a freshly baked pita, and a young  civil rights attorney visiting the romping grounds of his youth, who taught me, that with the right smile, the world can be yours."

"Bang!bama" pressing flesh with the Ummah

"It was the summer of 88', mushrooms on the beach, babes in bed, and the three of us were so high, we couldn't tell what was love, and what was lust" Muhammad said with a wistful look in his eyes as his wife lovingly, but admonishingly clucked at him while cracking an Obamaesque grin of her own.

The Honolulu Mosque, serving prayer and pancakes six times a day, four and a half stars on yelp, and it is entirely non-threatening

For the next 6- years the three would build a legendary friendship, which flowered into broader relationship with the wider Hawaiian Muslim population,

"Without Obama's insight into life and vibrancy of spirit, I doubt Guru Danny would have been able to vanquish his middle-class angst, which would have probably seen him take up accounting in Oahu, or Allah forbid, the mainland" Their neighbor Aalam Mansouri, a botanist and amateur calligrapher, and, as he will admit, an unrepentantly terrible poet, said.

" Those three helped present a modern version of Islam that was both spiritual, forgiving, and frankly, magical. Muhammad's example, the way he is so naturally himself, of the world and still a devout Muslim, in a sense, well, people want to be around him, I know of no man who has more complete control of themselves, and thoroughly vanquished his negative impulses, than Mr. Abed" He finished.

Muhammad, some times as a surf instructor, as a imam, or"Guru Danny", and other times just as a good friend, brought a kaleidoscope of characters to the Island's Muslim community, which has led to an isolated but vibrant cultural renaissance the likes of which haven't been seen since the Abbasid Caliphate, led by Muhhamud Abed, his wife, and the President he spent an entire Ramadan night surfing with, and that is what President Barack Hussein Obama thinks of when someone says "Radical Jihadist".

Note: Only Hanbali Muslims, who primarily live in the Arabian Peninsula, believe the Jihad of the sword is greater than ones internal Jihad against ones negative impulses