American Looking Glass: Blake Newberry: Enemy within
A great man once said you cannot have two in one, that’s the whole point of two, you couldn’t fit it all in one. While true for such corporeal things as shampoo it is not true for the human mind. While one side may be entirely semi retarded, empty of all information save some obscure cartoon references the other can be an obsidian blade of Pedantic furry. Of course to the untrained non-Obsidian like minds that make up the vast sea of thinking beings a statement like that makes absolutely no sense, yet it is my situation, as the better half of a remarkably unbalanced mind.
I am a Journalist in what time I have. I contribute to several prominent papers, and the Co-editor of a little known underground rag called The Whiskey Republic. It is in that capacity that I uncovered the greatest conspiracy the world has ever known, not the Jewish one as that was made up by the Catholic conspiracy to deflect suspicion; come on people lets be honest about it, a chain of Gothic edifices that span the globe led by a wizened old man and his council of red gowned cronies plotting the coming of an all powerful messiah in their own independent nation from the largest domed building in the world, if that isn’t a conspiracy then my personality isn’t a psychopathic disorder. No the conspiracy I speak of is the Lanyard conspiracy, oh the lanyard, the arts and crafts supply of choice for campers, how can that hurt anybody? How can that be a conspiracy? Well you just laid your blatant ignorance bare for everyone to see, I hope you’re proud of yourself retard. How can that hurt anybody? How can that be a conspiracy? G-d, are you really that stupid? I mean really. Back to the nefarious subject at hand, Lanyard & Lanyards Inc. the largest distributor and manufacturer of Lanyards in North America was launching a take over bid of Kevil’s Nylons Etc. a clear case of tying to kill the competition, but not nearly as clear as the one I witnessed shortly before Christmas in Bangor Maine.
I was doing a piece on a group of Baptist ministers and the churches sowing circle who were trying to get next years October fest canceled, because it caused “Moral lapses” in otherwise moral people, and encouraged binge drinking and general rowdiness amongst young adult, but of course all that is the purpose of alcohol right? I mean do you really think our forefathers would have fought and died for our independence with out strong drink? Do you think pure machismo was enough to push those artificially brave frontiersmen across the Alleghenies, and keep them stumbling all the way to the pacific? Of course not, the sober are a weak and cowardly lot, indecisive and thoughtful, always thinking out the pros and cons before rushing into something. No, ours was a nation of freethinking men with hearts of Iron and livers of granite.
Anyway, when I was out doing a report on said story I happened to witness a crime, and it wasn’t just some one wearing white after Labor Day, Zing!!! No, I witnessed a man garroted, no wait, Lanyarded in a dark alley. Now my first reaction would generally be to continue on my way, none of my business of course, but the fact that this so clearly tied into my other ongoing investigation into the dark underbelly of the Lanyard business, and the sorted and twisted world that it entails I felt I had an obligation to investigate. I entered the alley, disguising myself in a shrubbery, a trick I learned from an especially wily Coyote, and observed. It seems a hit man, a fellow in a tuxedo and bowler cap, had garroted Kevil Williams CEO of the above-mentioned company. Why I didn’t know, and whom the killer was I couldn’t know, yet I had to investigate, I needed total coverage, and there was only one man who could get me that.
Ted Muldoon, a saucy assuie with a love of Mexican beer and women had moved to Colorado due to his appetite for privacy. An amateur pugilist, part time photographer, a professional falconer, and the skill I needed him for, expert conspiracy theorist. It seems rocky easily fortifiable terrain and calm Midwestern living is the preferable environment for these majestic paranoid creatures. I took a train to Boulder and from there I rented a jeep, which I took to his compound. When I got there he was on his porch waiting for me. He started “I knew you were coming, my pretties told me, I see through their hawk eyes. That’s why some people call me Hawkeye you can call me Ted, actually only Batman really calls me Hawkeye. ‘Oh, I’m Batman I’m better then you, I protect Gotham, which is so much harder then protecting Boulder.’ Well you know what Batman I am just as good as you, some of us can’t afford your Gotham dilettante lifestyle and your numerous man wards …aren’t you going to cut short my rant, am I not running long?” I apologized and explained that I was distracted by his down under good looks. A blatant lie but it helps keep his ego strong, as Batman can be overly harsh and hurtful sometimes, especially to lesser Boulder based heroes.
I explained my situation and he responded “Well, look how the worm has turned, who needs who now.” I was taken a back, as I had never said I didn’t need him and expressed this to him. It turns out Batman had been in Boulder foiling one of Dr.Strange’s typically strange schemes, and as usual he had not paid proper courtesy to the local vigilantes. Batman is kind of an ass that way, not like Captain America, he is all about the truth Justice and proper etiquette when dealing with his crime fighting peers. I explained to him that Batman had developmental problems do to growing up an orphan and he couldn’t always express his emotions in a constructive fashion and sometimes resented those who were just trying to help. This calmed him down and we finally got to the real nuts and bolts of the situation. I told him what had happened in Bangor and showed him the Lanyard used to do the dirty deed. He took it to his crime lab, which also doubled as his meth lab, sure some super Heroes, like Batman, can afford Cocaine to keep them up during the long night patrols and their strenuous day jobs but for those unable to afford the expensive import need a ready supply of crystal meth or some other Amphetamine to keep their double life going. Anyway he got to analyzing the material and soon came to the conclusion that it was none other then Lanyard & Lanyards Inc. very own limited edition super combat lanyard, a series of specialized none traditional Lanyards including the shoe lace lanyard, the Pontoon Lanyard, and the highly unsettling Manyard.
This new information disturbed me to no end, how could I possibly defeat this Lanyard goliath with the weak, weak power of the press. You know ones powers are weak when you need an amendment to protect them, except the second amendment of course, because that amendment is packing. Anyway I was distraught, but Ted, he was thinking for the both of us.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking,” he asked, to which I responded “no, but it would be cool if we could do that.” It seems that was not the point, Ted had a plan to bring the entire Lanyard Empire to its knee’s like a alter boy before a randy priest.
“ What is the main source of the Lanyards business power,” he inquired, which was easy enough.
“ the Illuminati of course” I said.
“ Well, your right but I was talking monetarily, to which the answer is the United States Coach and Referee union’s almost exclusive use of Lanyards to secure their whistles” he replied.
I had never thought of it that way before, the use of a lanyard in that fashion had always just seemed the natural way of things. In my mind asking why the Lanyard, was like asking why does the toilet swirl differently depending on what hemisphere you live in, it just works that way People! Of course that type of thinking is just the cultural indoctrination that is forced upon us all at a young age, like how we all just know hippies are Satan’s grand children…so spoiled.
I liked the direction this was going, unlike the direction of his” wouldn’t we all be better off with out gypsies” discussion, though I was still unsure of what his actual plan was and I aired my apprehensions. “Well, we have to convince the Coaches and Referee’s to switch of course.”
“Switch to what” I queried, which is just one of our technical journalistic terms for “asking”, I just kind of threw that in there to shake things up.
He didn’t respond, instead falling into deep thought and then sleep, the poor kid was all tuckered out. I tucked him into his bed, and went outside where in a violent shift I lost control of my mind.
That is one of the greatest problems with being one of two personalities; you don’t control yourself half the time. You wake up in weird situations, like once all of a sudden I found myself in a mad orgy of blood fighting the Mad Hatter for my life to help free Santa, how the hell does one get into that situation. Anyway it is probably just as disconcerting for my lesser half as I can’t imagine what he thinks of my madcap ruff and tumble lifestyle, fighting the forces of Evil like Lanyard & Lanyards Inc. Chasing a crazed hit man like the dapper assassin I was currently on the trail of, and all the rest of my mischief. I am guessing he would be proud, despite the fact that from what I can gather from his decorating of our home and his chosen magazine subscriptions he is dumber then a bag of hammers. Sponge Bob weekly, why the hell does anybody need a weekly newsletter for a show like that, he even got all the word jumbles wrong. Anyway when I came to I was in a small cave outside of Boulder covered in mud and Navajo tribal symbols. A large fire roasting venison crackled to my left. I quickly found my horse and left my spirit guide behind as I headed back to the Muldoon Ranch.
When I got there I was greeted with a post-it note on the door saying
Went to Vancouver to fight evil, though terribly short on Hawks, please bring three web slingers, two boxes of those Hawk shaped throwing stars I like, and a 19th century field glass.
- Theodore Muldoon III
I got all that he had asked for and picked up a pack of a dozen hawks at the Boulder city Hawkery and I was off. The trip to Vancouver was tame and I got through the entire abridged recording of the Hardy Boys series. Damn those smugglers, though thanks to the hardy boys they got what they deserved many, many times. I made my first stop in that city to the Aviary.
The Aviary is a club/Bar where bird themed villains and heroes can sit back, enjoy a drink and discuss the prose and cons of the bird like lifestyles they have chosen, or their biology had dictated. Ted had long ago gotten me honorary membership after I had gained fame and notoriety for my book on my year spent on the road with the Penguin. What crazy times, and so many umbrellas, though I will always remember him from the Cigarette holder and top hat he had gotten for me when we got our “twins” photo. He was the most generous man I have ever known.
When I finally got in I was greeted with almost total silence, since it was almost Christmas and most of the members had left for the Mexican branch of the Aviary in Tijuana, plenty of crime and crime fighting there. I asked the Bartender if Ted “Hawkeye” Muldoon had left me a message, and he did. Ted wanted me to meet him at warehouse # 12; it seems he had found out a way to get an alternate rope supply to rival the Lanyard. When I got there he was waiting with two poorly kept hipsters, an old southern lawyer, and a young snarky looking attorney. It seems this was the delegation from the British Columbian Hemp farmers association, the national lobby of Whistle manufacturers, and the American Referee and Coaches Union. Hemp, how could I have been so blind, wait, no it’s the other way around, how could they be so stupid what referee or coach would be caught dead wearing hemp, unless ultimate Frisbee has enough Coaches and Referee’s, but it doesn’t. I stated this, but it seems they had already thought of that, and that is when I found our replacement. The attorney brought out a brief case filled with red white and blue ropes, labeled “100% Freedom Fiber,” Freedom Fiber of course, just market all that is good in our nation and Jade us against embracing another beautiful concept that our nation is based on, I was blinded from simultaneous joy and disgust, and Ted had to help me into a chair before I fell. After I had regained my sight I agreed this was the only way to stop Lanyards & Lanyards terrible plot. All I had to do was publish a few pictures and a story about a Lanyard factory in Vietnam which shows the terrible plight of Vietnamese children forced to make Lanyards for five cents a day, with little protection against the terrible mutations caused by prolonged Raw Lanyard exposure. While only the last part was true, the pictures would back me up on the rest, and since I write through pseudonyms it would do little lasting damage to my reputation. At this point we broke up, each with our own mission and purpose.
Ted and I decided to head south to Baton Rouge, were a local villain called “The Cajun” was starting to make the papers, and Ted wanted to get in on the ground level on this one. I wanted to go to cover the great Baton Rouge Gumbo festival, and not just because I knew “The Cajun” would try something at it, but because I have a real interest in Cajun cooking. So together we headed for Baton Rouge, in my rented Jeep, which had long ago been declared stolen.
A Months later our efforts had created a mixed bag of results, it seems that some whistle blower from one of our colluded whistle companies had leaked our little scheme and while no one was directly implicated, much of our work had been undone, but at least we had thrown a monkey wrench in their infernal gears. It was a fine Christmas for Ted as I had put out a scathing expose’ on Richard Grayson’s relationship with a 17 yrs old intern at Wayne Corp. entitled “Robin laid an egg,” which currently has him tied up in court. I continue to find my mental situation unacceptable, especially after finding my mint condition 1977 Obi-Wan Kenobi figurine melted in the Microwave. I have also been receiving strangely menacing phone messages from some one called George; though on a lighter note the two murders in Rahway County remain unsolved.
I am a Journalist in what time I have. I contribute to several prominent papers, and the Co-editor of a little known underground rag called The Whiskey Republic. It is in that capacity that I uncovered the greatest conspiracy the world has ever known, not the Jewish one as that was made up by the Catholic conspiracy to deflect suspicion; come on people lets be honest about it, a chain of Gothic edifices that span the globe led by a wizened old man and his council of red gowned cronies plotting the coming of an all powerful messiah in their own independent nation from the largest domed building in the world, if that isn’t a conspiracy then my personality isn’t a psychopathic disorder. No the conspiracy I speak of is the Lanyard conspiracy, oh the lanyard, the arts and crafts supply of choice for campers, how can that hurt anybody? How can that be a conspiracy? Well you just laid your blatant ignorance bare for everyone to see, I hope you’re proud of yourself retard. How can that hurt anybody? How can that be a conspiracy? G-d, are you really that stupid? I mean really. Back to the nefarious subject at hand, Lanyard & Lanyards Inc. the largest distributor and manufacturer of Lanyards in North America was launching a take over bid of Kevil’s Nylons Etc. a clear case of tying to kill the competition, but not nearly as clear as the one I witnessed shortly before Christmas in Bangor Maine.
I was doing a piece on a group of Baptist ministers and the churches sowing circle who were trying to get next years October fest canceled, because it caused “Moral lapses” in otherwise moral people, and encouraged binge drinking and general rowdiness amongst young adult, but of course all that is the purpose of alcohol right? I mean do you really think our forefathers would have fought and died for our independence with out strong drink? Do you think pure machismo was enough to push those artificially brave frontiersmen across the Alleghenies, and keep them stumbling all the way to the pacific? Of course not, the sober are a weak and cowardly lot, indecisive and thoughtful, always thinking out the pros and cons before rushing into something. No, ours was a nation of freethinking men with hearts of Iron and livers of granite.
Anyway, when I was out doing a report on said story I happened to witness a crime, and it wasn’t just some one wearing white after Labor Day, Zing!!! No, I witnessed a man garroted, no wait, Lanyarded in a dark alley. Now my first reaction would generally be to continue on my way, none of my business of course, but the fact that this so clearly tied into my other ongoing investigation into the dark underbelly of the Lanyard business, and the sorted and twisted world that it entails I felt I had an obligation to investigate. I entered the alley, disguising myself in a shrubbery, a trick I learned from an especially wily Coyote, and observed. It seems a hit man, a fellow in a tuxedo and bowler cap, had garroted Kevil Williams CEO of the above-mentioned company. Why I didn’t know, and whom the killer was I couldn’t know, yet I had to investigate, I needed total coverage, and there was only one man who could get me that.
Ted Muldoon, a saucy assuie with a love of Mexican beer and women had moved to Colorado due to his appetite for privacy. An amateur pugilist, part time photographer, a professional falconer, and the skill I needed him for, expert conspiracy theorist. It seems rocky easily fortifiable terrain and calm Midwestern living is the preferable environment for these majestic paranoid creatures. I took a train to Boulder and from there I rented a jeep, which I took to his compound. When I got there he was on his porch waiting for me. He started “I knew you were coming, my pretties told me, I see through their hawk eyes. That’s why some people call me Hawkeye you can call me Ted, actually only Batman really calls me Hawkeye. ‘Oh, I’m Batman I’m better then you, I protect Gotham, which is so much harder then protecting Boulder.’ Well you know what Batman I am just as good as you, some of us can’t afford your Gotham dilettante lifestyle and your numerous man wards …aren’t you going to cut short my rant, am I not running long?” I apologized and explained that I was distracted by his down under good looks. A blatant lie but it helps keep his ego strong, as Batman can be overly harsh and hurtful sometimes, especially to lesser Boulder based heroes.
I explained my situation and he responded “Well, look how the worm has turned, who needs who now.” I was taken a back, as I had never said I didn’t need him and expressed this to him. It turns out Batman had been in Boulder foiling one of Dr.Strange’s typically strange schemes, and as usual he had not paid proper courtesy to the local vigilantes. Batman is kind of an ass that way, not like Captain America, he is all about the truth Justice and proper etiquette when dealing with his crime fighting peers. I explained to him that Batman had developmental problems do to growing up an orphan and he couldn’t always express his emotions in a constructive fashion and sometimes resented those who were just trying to help. This calmed him down and we finally got to the real nuts and bolts of the situation. I told him what had happened in Bangor and showed him the Lanyard used to do the dirty deed. He took it to his crime lab, which also doubled as his meth lab, sure some super Heroes, like Batman, can afford Cocaine to keep them up during the long night patrols and their strenuous day jobs but for those unable to afford the expensive import need a ready supply of crystal meth or some other Amphetamine to keep their double life going. Anyway he got to analyzing the material and soon came to the conclusion that it was none other then Lanyard & Lanyards Inc. very own limited edition super combat lanyard, a series of specialized none traditional Lanyards including the shoe lace lanyard, the Pontoon Lanyard, and the highly unsettling Manyard.
This new information disturbed me to no end, how could I possibly defeat this Lanyard goliath with the weak, weak power of the press. You know ones powers are weak when you need an amendment to protect them, except the second amendment of course, because that amendment is packing. Anyway I was distraught, but Ted, he was thinking for the both of us.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking,” he asked, to which I responded “no, but it would be cool if we could do that.” It seems that was not the point, Ted had a plan to bring the entire Lanyard Empire to its knee’s like a alter boy before a randy priest.
“ What is the main source of the Lanyards business power,” he inquired, which was easy enough.
“ the Illuminati of course” I said.
“ Well, your right but I was talking monetarily, to which the answer is the United States Coach and Referee union’s almost exclusive use of Lanyards to secure their whistles” he replied.
I had never thought of it that way before, the use of a lanyard in that fashion had always just seemed the natural way of things. In my mind asking why the Lanyard, was like asking why does the toilet swirl differently depending on what hemisphere you live in, it just works that way People! Of course that type of thinking is just the cultural indoctrination that is forced upon us all at a young age, like how we all just know hippies are Satan’s grand children…so spoiled.
I liked the direction this was going, unlike the direction of his” wouldn’t we all be better off with out gypsies” discussion, though I was still unsure of what his actual plan was and I aired my apprehensions. “Well, we have to convince the Coaches and Referee’s to switch of course.”
“Switch to what” I queried, which is just one of our technical journalistic terms for “asking”, I just kind of threw that in there to shake things up.
He didn’t respond, instead falling into deep thought and then sleep, the poor kid was all tuckered out. I tucked him into his bed, and went outside where in a violent shift I lost control of my mind.
That is one of the greatest problems with being one of two personalities; you don’t control yourself half the time. You wake up in weird situations, like once all of a sudden I found myself in a mad orgy of blood fighting the Mad Hatter for my life to help free Santa, how the hell does one get into that situation. Anyway it is probably just as disconcerting for my lesser half as I can’t imagine what he thinks of my madcap ruff and tumble lifestyle, fighting the forces of Evil like Lanyard & Lanyards Inc. Chasing a crazed hit man like the dapper assassin I was currently on the trail of, and all the rest of my mischief. I am guessing he would be proud, despite the fact that from what I can gather from his decorating of our home and his chosen magazine subscriptions he is dumber then a bag of hammers. Sponge Bob weekly, why the hell does anybody need a weekly newsletter for a show like that, he even got all the word jumbles wrong. Anyway when I came to I was in a small cave outside of Boulder covered in mud and Navajo tribal symbols. A large fire roasting venison crackled to my left. I quickly found my horse and left my spirit guide behind as I headed back to the Muldoon Ranch.
When I got there I was greeted with a post-it note on the door saying
Went to Vancouver to fight evil, though terribly short on Hawks, please bring three web slingers, two boxes of those Hawk shaped throwing stars I like, and a 19th century field glass.
- Theodore Muldoon III
I got all that he had asked for and picked up a pack of a dozen hawks at the Boulder city Hawkery and I was off. The trip to Vancouver was tame and I got through the entire abridged recording of the Hardy Boys series. Damn those smugglers, though thanks to the hardy boys they got what they deserved many, many times. I made my first stop in that city to the Aviary.
The Aviary is a club/Bar where bird themed villains and heroes can sit back, enjoy a drink and discuss the prose and cons of the bird like lifestyles they have chosen, or their biology had dictated. Ted had long ago gotten me honorary membership after I had gained fame and notoriety for my book on my year spent on the road with the Penguin. What crazy times, and so many umbrellas, though I will always remember him from the Cigarette holder and top hat he had gotten for me when we got our “twins” photo. He was the most generous man I have ever known.
When I finally got in I was greeted with almost total silence, since it was almost Christmas and most of the members had left for the Mexican branch of the Aviary in Tijuana, plenty of crime and crime fighting there. I asked the Bartender if Ted “Hawkeye” Muldoon had left me a message, and he did. Ted wanted me to meet him at warehouse # 12; it seems he had found out a way to get an alternate rope supply to rival the Lanyard. When I got there he was waiting with two poorly kept hipsters, an old southern lawyer, and a young snarky looking attorney. It seems this was the delegation from the British Columbian Hemp farmers association, the national lobby of Whistle manufacturers, and the American Referee and Coaches Union. Hemp, how could I have been so blind, wait, no it’s the other way around, how could they be so stupid what referee or coach would be caught dead wearing hemp, unless ultimate Frisbee has enough Coaches and Referee’s, but it doesn’t. I stated this, but it seems they had already thought of that, and that is when I found our replacement. The attorney brought out a brief case filled with red white and blue ropes, labeled “100% Freedom Fiber,” Freedom Fiber of course, just market all that is good in our nation and Jade us against embracing another beautiful concept that our nation is based on, I was blinded from simultaneous joy and disgust, and Ted had to help me into a chair before I fell. After I had regained my sight I agreed this was the only way to stop Lanyards & Lanyards terrible plot. All I had to do was publish a few pictures and a story about a Lanyard factory in Vietnam which shows the terrible plight of Vietnamese children forced to make Lanyards for five cents a day, with little protection against the terrible mutations caused by prolonged Raw Lanyard exposure. While only the last part was true, the pictures would back me up on the rest, and since I write through pseudonyms it would do little lasting damage to my reputation. At this point we broke up, each with our own mission and purpose.
Ted and I decided to head south to Baton Rouge, were a local villain called “The Cajun” was starting to make the papers, and Ted wanted to get in on the ground level on this one. I wanted to go to cover the great Baton Rouge Gumbo festival, and not just because I knew “The Cajun” would try something at it, but because I have a real interest in Cajun cooking. So together we headed for Baton Rouge, in my rented Jeep, which had long ago been declared stolen.
A Months later our efforts had created a mixed bag of results, it seems that some whistle blower from one of our colluded whistle companies had leaked our little scheme and while no one was directly implicated, much of our work had been undone, but at least we had thrown a monkey wrench in their infernal gears. It was a fine Christmas for Ted as I had put out a scathing expose’ on Richard Grayson’s relationship with a 17 yrs old intern at Wayne Corp. entitled “Robin laid an egg,” which currently has him tied up in court. I continue to find my mental situation unacceptable, especially after finding my mint condition 1977 Obi-Wan Kenobi figurine melted in the Microwave. I have also been receiving strangely menacing phone messages from some one called George; though on a lighter note the two murders in Rahway County remain unsolved.
posted by BN | 6:55 AM
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