5/29/2016

1st Rule of Journalism


Trump insists on...MURDER!

Trump made his strongest case yet for him continuing to murder, at will, without cause, recourse or retribution. Having previously stated "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters" he has doubled down by stating :

I could strangle a street walker, suffocate a homosexual runaway in a Walmart bathroom with a shopping bag, or push a homeless man in front of an oncoming A Train, by the way, Go New York! Either way, people don't care, especially not about the people I kill, believe me I choose the best victims, and with my properties around the globe, nobodies gonna find'em, they're [flutters hands in the air comically] gone!

Later on twitter he claimed the Mexi-Judaeo liberal cabal had twisted his words and he was going to "@#$%ing murder them!" but first  he was going to "Toy with them in his basement". It is unclear what exactly has made his fetishistic, rage based, but extremely calculated murders a topic for the campaign trail. Some analysts point to the sexual attraction and wonder inspired by many heinous murderers, especially those who gain fame and notoriety for their acts, and the kind of nut jobs that would fall for a monster, well that's the kind of crazy he wants in the Ballot box in November.
If he murders as a compulsion and for pleasure, but he doesn't want to murder me, that must make me special
 

5/26/2016

5 Hard to believe "facts" about "The Shawshank Redemption"

1) Morgan Freeman isn't actually in the movie - Frank Darabont kept the actor strung out with cocaine, benzos and hookers for most of the filming, and even when on set, he was locked in a supply closet with alcohol Popsicle and molly. The character of Red was actually played by G-d incarnate, who helped Darabont gaslight Freeman into believing he had actually played the part.

2) Tim Robbins was sexually assaulted during filming - Stephen King made many deals where he sold the rights to his stories for one dollar so aspiring film makers could develop his work on the cheap, as long as they had something else to trade to the King of Horror as well, and Tim Robbins needed the work.
He likes the flesh

3) The scene where Bogs was beaten by Captain Hadley wasn't simulated - Darabont had thought to change the Bogs - Dufresne relationship into a reluctant courtship, but Mark Ralston had eaten Clancy Browns lunch on the day they were to shoot his home coming scene, but was so overcome with rage when he saw Ralstons smug face that he beat him within an inch of his life, while Darabont cheered him on off stage and kept the cameras rolling despite growing revulsion and alarm, and ironically, if Browns father hadn't been a former congressman, Clancy himself would have gone to prison much like his character did.

4) Stephen King has a collection of hair and nail clippings from the cast and crew - Reportedly to maintain hygiene  and appearance, but really because he is a freak, Stephen King would clip the nails and hair of cast members while they slept during filming, even if they weren't sleeping on set. It was believed that it ended there, but it seems King entertains guests at his Maine residence with dolls he made with these materials and rodent bones.

5) Castle Rock Entertainment was founded to lure wayward teenagers into seclusion - Rob Riener and Stephen King used the production company as a lure for runaways looking to become actors, and the lighthouse in the emblem is based on the actual Maine lighthouse where Riener and King ended so many short lives.
When the sun sets, they start

5/25/2016

Sorry John, he's never going to change

Ohio Governor John Kasich says he won't back Trump unless he sees a "Fundamental change". John, I hate to break it to you, but Trump is a living fossil, he is a scorpion, he will not have a fundamental change in 300 million years. 1980's Trump is effectively the exact same as 2016 Trump. You tell me the old Trump is gone, I'll tell you to look closer and you will find Trump selling junk real estate off the coast of Madagascar, you tell me he has changed his ways, I will point to mystified Amazonian tribesman talking about "Chap-Ta Uleven", the man’s antics are woven into Scottish folklore and Irish superstition, with a pre-Cambrian fossil record. In short, what I am trying to say is, Kasich, don't be an idiot and say idiotic things.
In this 1586 painting a small handed man with an orange complexion tricks an angry, ignorant traveler into making him Duke

5/24/2016

PeanutZ

I am getting so far out, one day I wont come back at all 

Clinton Blames Bernie Sanders for bad polls

Many Clinton allies are blaming Bernie Sanders genuine narrative, strength of character, as well as a lifetime of experiences that underline the fact that he is an, albeit radical, moral person with strong convictions, which does not compare well to Mrs. Clinton. I mean the only time he got arrested was for protesting racial segregation, while Clinton's husband used the confederate stars and bars in his campaign materials in 1992.
Okay guys, I know this looks bad...[that's it]
They go on to point out that his 30+ years of proven electability as a Mayor, Congressman and Senator, as opposed to Clinton, who road into the Senate on Bill's coat tails, and didn't make it back into the Obama cabinet for a second term (Ostensibly so she could focus on her presidential candidacy, but if she was really rocking it she would have stayed and resigned when campaign season started), does not compare well. 

Clinton's hench-folk point out that the main things that are propping up Clinton's candidacy is the wealth and power of the establishment that supports her, and Sanders categorical rejection of that kind of influence, throughout his political life, and the groundswell of public support that made his candidacies possible, and that grows in parallel to peoples awareness of him, as opposed to a web search of the name Clinton+corruption,  do not compare well. Nor does it sit well that Democratic National Committee chairwoman, Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz  clearly showed preference and deference towards Clinton at every step of the nominating process.


 Democratic National Committee chairwoman, Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-Fla.), explaining the need for party unity on MSNBC, after exsanguinating a kitten

So, in the words of Obi wan Kenobi, Mrs. Clinton:

5/23/2016

Puppy of the People

Don't confuse adorableness for weakness 

Old V. Young


He was going to make Bartertown great again

In the battle between 16-34 v. 35-55 a stalemate has ensued when both sides realized  they can't launch the nukes on their own, with Young holding the technical expertise, while Old  holds the codes. While Trump had been looking forward to becoming the Impresario of a Barter-town like city state oasis in the wasteland, and Sanders had begun burying school buses on his Vermont estate, and stockpiling canned good for himself and 400 of his most beautiful followers, and even the mighty Clin-Ton had initiated continuance of government protocols, after immuring President Obama in the Oval office and attempting to seize power in "The Chaos", but just accidentally set off a race war as well, as disenfranchised Democratic supporters in the Northeast megalopolis either looted relentlessly, or attempted to pick off looters from the roof tops, while the elderly and youths find what shelter they can in the generational maelstrom, while former President Clinton has attempted to distract the enraged masses with his Psycho-Sexual Circus live from the Lincoln Memorial where he and a harem of maiden interns and intern eunuchs cavort with the philandering former President in the lap of our saintly 16th to the delight of onlookers,and those watching it streamed over every remaining bandwidth, like a sexual white noise, while fluffers on the benches will be ready to take your donations, which will be used for wine, victuals and song and he has renamed himself the Dey of DC, dressing only in purple silk. But, with the realization that they can't annihilate everyone without the help of their hated enemy, they enter in to a cool detente, and everyone is very embarrassed for the whole thing, especially Bill, as is usually the case.
The Secret Service breaks the news to an inebriated Clinton in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool

5/22/2016

Sanders suggests the nominee be chosen by hot dog eating contest

While he would like to win the nomination by eating more hot dogs than Mrs. Clinton, he is also, pretty, pretty, pretty good at log rolling 
Sanders, feeling the Bern of losing, has suggested a range of contests that he excels at and which give him a high probability of winning the nomination. Political analysts cite his failure to win electorally as the key motivator for this shift in strategy, they also think that he is focusing on eating contest after the media broke stories of gastrointestinal distress, which are heartbreaking and grotesque, for both Trump and Clinton . Other analysts believe he is trying to woo super-delegates with a display raw power, equal to, but different than that of getting more than 50% of Democratic voters to decide they want you to represent them in office, also putting forth such ideas as who can hold their breath longer, who knows more presidential trivia, and an open invitation to punch him in the gut, as long as you don't hold back..Others feel that all other contests are just a way of obfuscating his true hearts desire, the hot dog eating contest. As we reported not to long ago, Sanders was nearly killed by an evil folk creature, who happened to be a 6 foot tall hot dog comedian, and this might be his way to show the world he does not live in fear. Whatever the reason, no one is going for it and it just looks sad, and hopeful, idealistic and plucky, but not winning, not that.

Hillary Clinton suffering from chronic implosive diarrhea

Woman gives such a shit it ricochets back 
The former first lady is in the early stages of septic psychosis, with her body seemingly redistributing, instead of evacuating her waste, which has found its way into her blood stream, major organs and brain, to put it bluntly, she is full of shit. The situation first came to light when Clinton was attending a black lives matter event, what was at first thought to be tears for the inner city African American"Super-Predator" youth's lost childhood, but was instead a frothy brown discharge burbling from the corners of her eyes. While still contending for the united states presidency and for council seat at the new world order,  despite the rising levels of ammonia and other feces related chemicals in the blood stream, explaining " I have made a pact, a dark pact, one which, as a women, I don't believe I should be shamed for making, nor should I have to explain it to unconsecrated chattel", though deliberately ambiguous perhaps such a pact could explain the hideous crone shambling with her in public and occasionally letting her blood while chanting in runic German and vulgar Latin.

Filthy hobbitts, promise Sanders will come back more powerful than ever

After witnessing the aging Senator tumble into an endless chasm while wrestling with a pro-Hillary Balrog to try and protect those rallying for him in San Francisco, the Hobbit known as Reid promised the Wizardly Senator would return to bring hope to man


The Balrog hissing and screaming something about the 2nd Amendment and being  a mom, before the two grappled into the Abyss


While still unwilling to consider nominating him or stand up for mankind against unspeakable darkness, he has stated “He’s coming back to the Senate. I think that he has the ability to be a tremendously more powerful senator in our caucus than he was,” while absentmindedly puffing on pipe-weed and thinking of the coney stew he had prepared for Elevenses. The Reid went on to say " he can be something much more than what he was" and noting that he had already run through most of his campaign funds while Hillary has been actively recruiting armies of Haradrim from the East and a vast pirate Armada she says will be needed to defeat Trump in November, but then why has she incited the Hill People to war and begun breeding her own Uruk Hai? I ask you that!

5/19/2016

How Trump became a "Candidate"

Misandrist and snobbish phonetics professor MD, PHd, etc. etc. will no longer throw his pasty soft hands in the air with frustration with the churlish and uncultured Trumps inability to learn cultured affectations. Seemingly originating in a wager with Trump that what separates the classes is speech, not money,  the Professor chose the biggest lost cause he could find, witnessing him first hand singing with coal lobbyists about how lovely it would be to do business without regulations, in addition to telling the professor that he could buy and sell him with what was in his pocket, the professor promised to turn him into the ideal candidate, and Trump was chosen because "He's so deliciously low. So horribly dirty."
I sold real estate; I didn't sell myself. Now you've made a candidate of me, I'm not fit to sell anything else



Trump for his part has done his best to follow the elderly professors elocution lessons, but came to chaif under his abrasive and unsympathetic tutelage, singing a long winded and aggressive song about how he would have exaggerated and childlike vengeance against the professor, but deep down he really wants to leave the churlish, smallhanded boy from queens behind and become a real American candidate. Just as all were about to give up he perfectly recited "The pain train will turn you into a greasy stain" to the amazement of all, then shouting out, inregards to the moment, that it was "yuuuge" before comically covering his mouth, the curtains come down, and the houselights come up for intermission.

5/17/2016

Trumps entire personality has been shaped by his battle with chronic constipation

Trump describes, in graphic and unwanted detail, his daily battle to remove golf ball like scat from his chapped cloaca 
After careful deliberation, a blue ribbon panel of psychologists,entomologist and proctologists have concurred the Republic abomination, Trump Mc-Donald's attitudes, beliefs and even sense of spirituality and worth are all related to and built upon a foundation of chronic fecal impaction going back over 45 years. Carrying a daily average of around 30-40 pounds of solid waste in addition to a lugubrious sludge produced when he eats faux mexican food from one of his many "authentic"(quotations were added to emphasize the sarcasm)  restaurants, the outsider candidate sometimes becomes a winter wadi of silty discharge when he eats an entire nacho hat to try and prove to his Hispanic cleaning staff that his hatred of their race is conditional and he recognized the existence of good ones, both due to the partial cathartic release he gets from an incomplete feculent discharge, and that, with the general release of waste, which puts pressure on much of his vascular system, intern, this affords him moments of partial, delirious, "clarity" after each squirt. It is also believed that some of his behavior is directly influenced by the royal scarabs gestating within his knotty fibrous dung formation that makes up over a fifth of his mass.  Infected by a rare form of Scarbaeus sacer, who have been collecting young shit from his upper intestines since the mid 70's and forming them into relatively vast structures like those formed by using puddled and poured adobe, for themselves and their larva, and eventually, sometime in the late 90's attained a sort of hive sentience, that was both entirely self centered and instinctual, slowly taking over its hosts higher functions, and instinctively attempting to attain hierarchic dominance through the most crude and direct method available. Seemingly, the only way for King Scarab not to be elected to the White House, is if we get him to literally shit his his brains out.