Fozzie Bear "allegedly" sexually assaulted over 30

The beloved actor and "Comedian" has been accused of preforming the "Banana Sketch" on over 30 coworkers and special guests

" He came into their dressing room, I asked him what he was doing there, that's when he pulled out the Banana..."

In testimony that sent a nation fearfully googling "Banana Sketch", and sent fictional theater groups scrambling to have a meaningful adventure to use as cover while they dodge journalists and law enforcement, and probably make a few friends along the way, a wave of accusations against the Muppet's Fozzie Bear has shocked the nation. While the #metoo campaign has unleashed a torrent of accusations at the powerful men in the entertainment world, fabricated Americans have kept a clannish silence on their perverse and varied sexual world, rights, and rites, till now.

"You really don't know who I am. Maybe it would be good if you give me what I want"

What we do know is that Fozzie Bear's writer, drinking buddy, and wing-man, Gags Beasley is a serial rapist who has been serving time since 2005, a fact which avoided publicity because the news came out the same day the B.T.K.  Killer was brought to justice (Coincidentally?). Since 2005 Fozzie bear has spiraled out of control, been to rehab twice, and visits the BDSMM club " The Textile Factory" nightly, and his proclivities have been blamed for the failure of recent Muppet Show reboots.

"Hey Fozzie, why did we just turn onto an unmarked dirt road?"

When cornered for comment about his long time co-worker and confidant who has been accused of sado-sexual comedic encounters involving a banana, with over 30 men, women, children, and various plush creation, Kermit had this to say, "There is no banana sketch! There never was a banana sketch, and there will never be a banana sketch!" Refusing to take any further questions despite the stock jargon shouted by the assembled  Muppet journalists and Candice Bergen.


Sam the Eagle, who has a long history of attempting to break the silence on the whimsical, but non-consensual, amoral sexual habits of itinerant puppets, a sex life that "is extremely private, till its not, and whether it is Statler and Waldorf stating 'In apropos of nothing' before copping a feel, or a behemoth forcing itself on special guest Sandy Duncan, nothing is sacred, or safe, in the Muppet theater". Immediately after finishing his sentence two sandbag counter weights fell on the beloved curmudgeon, causing the curtains to fall, and the foley sound of a beating, as well as Sams cries for decency and American values before being silenced with a crack.