|Fire Ants are so Crazy they have been messing with Texas for years, lets give them a hand|
1) Fire Ants- Solenopsis invicta, causes billions of dollars in damage and medical bills, even in a good year. Known for their aggressive behavior, painful bite and sting, nests impervious to dynamite, and the ability to form floating nests when there terrestrial nests are flooded, with that last part being of particular interest, with some pool cleaning tools, or even a paddle, you can direct balls of infestation incarnate almost anywhere, attics, sheds, bedrooms, cars, the places that a shattered family trying to piece things back together, or relief & construction workers would love to find a ball of creatures committed to two things, defending the colony, and @#$%ing you up, in no particular order.
|Honestly, they built that in a hour|
2) Help Latin Americans across the border - For a state founded by illegal Anglo immigrants it is funny-sad how much they hate illegal immigrant, really grinds their gears. So while large swaths of Texas are underwater, make sure everyone on the other side of the boarder knows now is the time to rush the boarder, handing out rafts, ladders ( both to get over "The Wall" and for their future in their construction/landscaping business), Spanish to English Dictionaries, discounted burner phones and lists of sympathetic Catholic priests, and let the natural ingenuity and spirit of the Mexican people do the rest. Next year, when you are snacking on delicious authentic Mexican food provided by trucks on every-corner, while reading Don Quixote in the original for the first time, you'll thank me.
3) Take their guns away - Okay FEMA, they already think you are some sort of clandestine MK-ULTRA-esque sort of agency, so, in the name of public safety, why not try to take some of their guns away, you know, from the craziest ones, what could go wrong? And if something does go wrong, well that's a good reason to take more guns away from a larger group of slightly less crazy, but still very crazy, Texans, and soon the whole state is Mad Max on the Bayou fighting the Feds to keep their guns, which will be brutally put down by the military, and despite being once proud, and still powerful, it will harbor a deep sense of victimhood that will both unite and drive them, and what could go wrong with that? They will probably just get in line and shake it off, right?
4) Withhold Federal Aid, vindictively - With the Congressional war cry as a mocking "Remember Hurricane Sandy", withhold any sort of aid for the stricken state as a lone finger salute to the Lone Star's state's stinginess towards East Coast folk when they were in a similar situation. Let's make this a test run for their vaunted sovereignty, how well do they handle themselves in the unexpected? And we will be back when they've dried out and gotten everything in order, then we can have a discussion on the importance of helping the less fortunate, or if the whole place has gone survivalist-apocalypse, we can move to method #5.
5) Appoint Hillary Clinton as the Military Governor of what was once Texas - While it will be painful to allow Hillary Clinton to have anything, and having an important appointed position will probably give her an outsized idea of how many votes she can command, if we are truly committed to messing with Texas in its weakened state, than the Queen of the Carpetbaggers is the only way to go. With her smug elitism, sketchy methods, and weird marriage she will grate nerves Texans don't even know they have, like rare elements formed within the cores of stars, new, legendary and fantastical forms of rage will be manifested and focused at Hillary Clinton, who will bask in it, and further her liberal bonafides by sticking it to the once proud Texans, before being assassinated and replaced with Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer.
|I guess the first thing she should have fixed was sanitation|