Now is the best time to mess with Texas

With it's large population, varied industry and agriculture, and history of radical independence, Texas often likes to rub its relative independence in the faces of more interdependent states (looking at you Delaware). Now G-d, through Hurricane Harvey has checked the oil of the Lone Star State through one of his signature acts, in Texas size portions, and now is the time to mess with Texas. In furtherance of that goal, here are the top 5 ways to mess with Texas in the wake of Hurricane Harvey:

Fire Ants are so Crazy they have been messing with Texas for years, lets give them a hand

1) Fire Ants- Solenopsis invicta, causes billions of dollars in damage and medical bills, even in a good year. Known for their aggressive behavior, painful bite and sting, nests impervious to dynamite, and the ability to form floating nests when there terrestrial nests are flooded, with that last part being of particular interest, with some pool cleaning tools, or even a paddle, you can direct balls of infestation incarnate almost anywhere, attics, sheds, bedrooms, cars, the places that a shattered family trying to piece things back together, or relief & construction workers would love to find a ball of creatures committed to two things, defending the colony, and @#$%ing you up, in no particular order.

Honestly, they built that in a hour

2) Help Latin Americans across the border - For a state founded by illegal Anglo immigrants it is funny-sad how much they hate illegal immigrant, really grinds their gears. So while large swaths of Texas are underwater, make sure everyone on the other side of the boarder knows now is the time to rush the boarder, handing out rafts, ladders ( both to get over "The Wall" and for their future in their construction/landscaping business), Spanish to English Dictionaries, discounted burner phones and lists of sympathetic Catholic priests, and let the natural ingenuity and spirit of the Mexican people do the rest. Next year, when you are snacking on delicious authentic Mexican food provided by trucks on every-corner, while reading Don Quixote in the original for the first time, you'll thank me.

3) Take their guns away - Okay FEMA, they already think you are some sort of clandestine MK-ULTRA-esque sort of agency, so, in the name of public safety, why not try to take some of their guns away, you know, from the craziest ones, what could go wrong? And if something does go wrong, well that's a good reason to take more guns away from a larger group of slightly less crazy, but still very crazy, Texans, and soon the whole state is Mad Max on the Bayou fighting the Feds to keep their guns, which will be brutally put down by the military, and despite being once proud, and still powerful, it will harbor a deep sense of victimhood that will both unite and drive them, and what could go wrong with that? They will probably just get in line and shake it off, right?

4) Withhold Federal Aid, vindictively - With the Congressional war cry as a mocking "Remember Hurricane Sandy", withhold any sort of aid for the stricken state as a lone finger salute to the Lone Star's state's stinginess towards East Coast folk when they were in a similar situation. Let's make this a test run for their vaunted sovereignty, how well do they handle themselves in the unexpected? And we will be back when they've dried out and gotten everything in order, then we can have a discussion on the importance of helping the less fortunate, or if the whole place has gone survivalist-apocalypse, we can move to method #5.

5) Appoint Hillary Clinton as the Military Governor of what was once Texas - While it will be painful to allow Hillary Clinton to have anything, and having an important appointed position will probably give her an outsized idea of how many votes she can command, if we are truly committed to messing with Texas in its weakened state, than the Queen of the Carpetbaggers is the only way to go. With her smug elitism, sketchy methods, and weird marriage she will grate nerves Texans don't even know they have, like rare elements formed within the cores of stars, new, legendary and fantastical forms of rage will be manifested and focused at Hillary Clinton, who will bask in it, and further her liberal bonafides by sticking it to the once proud Texans, before being assassinated and replaced with Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer.
I guess the first thing she should have fixed was sanitation


Your G-d is not Trump's G-d, what you need to know

While authorities on the subject are unsure if Trump worships an established pantheon of gods, or if he hired teams to engineer a pantheon of Trump like characters for him to venerate to encourage positive traits, and discourage him form his natural vices of cannibalism and psychotic rape. Trump keeps an undisclosed number of shrines and  " many a shrouded and moss covered  calvary" The exact object of his veneration has never been found, so we can only deduce through arcane, basic & known, as well as newly invented methods.

While outwardly a Lutheran who obviously relies on the concept of "Justification", and will obviously use the atoning power of Christ as far as that will go, but that doesn't seem to be his primary spiritual driver. As most readers know Trump is infested with sentient eusocial scarabs, as so many of us are, and rarely in control of his actions, instead spending his time suckling dung resin and tweeting. Yet, in the coming climactic battle, many Americans want to know how we will be able to coax his psyche past the opiate like mist his scarab overlord inject into his sphincter to keep him docile, to heroically expel the scarabs, presumably through the ass, and save the day, or overcome their psychic grip and do a simple, but necessary action and save the day, or, more likely, sacrifice everything for the royal nectar, which will allow him to transform into an Ancient Scarab, but there is ...still, a chance.

To that end the Super-Pac "The Enemies of the Scarab",  did a deep, in-depth, illegal, sexual, possibly incestuous exploration of Trumps spiritual life, and created an accurate depiction of Trump's higher power/ Sex-Governess, a dual sex entity standing between 12 and 15 feet, who, theoretically, guides, punishes, and sexually pleasures Trump in angry and cosmic ways, who he calls, in breathy whispers, in Esperanto "La Seksa", who will wake from its transsexual slumber in Trump's greatest hour of need, to defeat his enemies and sexually gratify him in unspeakable and unpopular ways. Whether or not La Seksa can be used to remind our commander chief of his basic, baseline humanity, or if this has all been a fools game, and even the embrace of the 69 nine arms, each with 39 suckers, which are both vaginas and mouths, leading to a central pleasure beak, wont be able to save us.  

La Seksa is basically, a sexy Cthulhu


Breaking News: The Emperor KNEW he had no cloths!!!!

If the child hadn't ended it, who knows how far it would have gone
As the Inspector General gave the orders to the assembled masked riders and all the church bells chimed at midnight a grand pogrom across the kingdom began. This episode began several weeks earlier when a transient charlatan tried to pass himself off as a fashionable merchant intent on fleecing the Emperor, being so bold as to think that he could convince the Emperor that no cloths, were the latest fashion. The bemused Emperor decided to play along as his grandfather Hansel the First had when captured by a cannibalistic witch, who he eventually burnt alive, and thought it amusing to show his "Shield and Lance" to the assembled lords and notables, appreciating the freedom his position often denied him. Unfortunately for the assembled crowd, the Emperor was also taking a mental inventory of everyone's reaction to what should have been considered a terrible embarrassment, though obviously not to one-self confident potentate, and deciding then and there who could be trusted... and who could not. Originally planning to tour his castle and the local village in his "New Cloths" as well, before a child called his bluff, and he played the befuddled and embarrassed fool, thoughts of vengeance already dancing in his head. While most thought his absence from public appearance was a matter of embarrassment, it was actually when he secretly marshaled those loyal to him, and planned how to divvy the spoils of those who were not. As for the "Fashionable Merchant", well, the Emperor had to get the leather for his new cloths somewhere...

A Roman slave had a life expectancy of 17.9 years

Did you know there are upwards of 10 million Jews in America today, yet Romanesque Architecture is still widely used 

Did you know that almost all materials in all American schools about the Roman Empire, despite the Roman's enslaving  and exploiting countless millions, are overwhelming positive! Despite the fact that their "culture" was just a mimetic hodgepodge of other more authentic Mediterranean cultures, built on a foundation of rape, terror and military dominance that only started to look pretty after it raped, terrorized and enslaved better civilizations and then demanded their slaves teach them all their cool ideas, before doing any manner of unspeakable, or perfectly ordinary, things to them.

Uncle Tom's Jew, a popular Roman myth propagated to roman-ticize one of their many atrocities 
In addition to remaining Roman Monumental architecture, the Roman Church, and latin language & culture forming the basis of Western  European culture, we have to root out it's corrosive, morally-bankrupt, rape culture ( Please click so you can see just how pervasive the problem is), as they were also a culture that was entirely built on slavery, that imploded when its supply of slaves dried up. If the Confederacy was evil for its peculiar institution, the unabashed domination of the Roman slave culture, that was found in every facet of Roman life, means it should be sandblasted from the cultural and historical record except as some vague cautionary tale.

The Federal Style popularized in the United States is basically a cheap Roman rip-off, so is it any wonder that slaves built parts of it? Burn Palladian architecture to the ground so we can be free!

Yet, despite all their moral failings, their bankrupt culture, and despicable actions, Western Civilizations continue to teach that Rome was an integral part of our civilization, that different times create different moral realities, that for better or for worse historical gravity warps our reality whether we recognize it or not, that it just needs context not excision, should we listen? Or instead do what feels good, topple the statues, torch the buildings, melt down the idols, put its priests and scholars in chains, reduce them to poverty, and carry the women folk away as spoils, because that's what the Romans would do.


Scandinavian submarine murder, what you need to know

While most people like to claim that Submarines history began somewhere between the the late 18th and 19th century, in truth, like North American colonization, it began in the 8th century by vikings. plying the seas in their Koskind-boble, trading, hunting, and of course murdering people, especially balladeers who got in their way. The proud tradition of private submarine ownership and operation, though unknown to non-vikings/Scandinavians, is a secret brotherhood of ancient submariners whose greatest sacrosanct truth is that loose lips sink ships, and that lye pickled Greenland shark is just about the most wonderful thing you've ever heard about a human putting in their mouth, the beloved Kaestur Hakarl, making up an obscene portion of these Odin worshiping, under-sea exploring, paranoid murderers of the Baltic and North Atlantic's diet.

What started as a love for mildly toxic shark meat, led to a murderous obsession

90% of Submarine Murder investigators, and 70% dolphins trying to pass as humans agree, Scandinavian Submarine murders are woefully under-reported, and generally attributed to "The Kraken", which is also the call sign for a Ham-Radio Operator on a pirate submarine operating off the coast of Iceland, who spends his winters murdering loud people, and snowmobile operators. Like whale songs their ghostly chorus's of "It's a Long Way to Tipperary" can be heard from thousands of miles away, but any one of them whoever speaks of it is dismembered and jettisoned.

It is more of a metaphor than a practical device

While most people would like to believe submarines where built with noble intention, to better understand dolphins, and perhaps sell them textiles, but thanks to German intervention the 1000-year arc of Scandinavian Submarine development, so much of it secret and unknown to anyone, and of course the Germans focused on the murder aspect of it (Yes, Americans had built submarines, but they where whimsical machines of martial folly, not tools of mass destruction) and from 1914 till now, that is what it is best known for, like how the Secret Service is supposed to be all about combating fraud and counterfeiting, but instead wastes all their resources on protecting famous and influential politicians, the primary use of the Submarine became state sponsored murder!

Now, as Peter Madsen, a name I would have chosen if I was inventing a pale methodical murderer from a North Atlantic nation, has murdered a journalist on his submarine, and now the world cares. Perhaps now the world will finally look at the "Non-Existent" world of privately, psychopath, owned submarines roving the North Atlantic... and occasionally the Mediterranean.


Bannon Out! Zionist, Muslim, terrorists obviously to blame

Stephen "KKK" Bannon has done for the Republican Party what Michael Moore would have done for the Democratic party, if Hillary Clinton had appointed him to be her chief strategist, creating pure oratorical bile in his partisan cauldron as he cackles nonsensical talking points and rhetorical puss. Unfortunately for the Republican party, they won the Presidency, and missed out on being able to confront Hillary Clinton, in the national spotlight, for four whole years, imagine the fun they could have had,  since everyone hates her. Of course the most endearing aspect of the Trump Presidency is his Alt-Right proclivities that are giving Mitch McConnell face palm tan-lines, and the whimsical goblin king of them all was the "Bannonator!"as he insisted certain staffers called him, while he insisted others "Never @#$%en look at me! Eyes down before I throw my coffee at them!". He would come in every day smelling of cheap scotch and car-airfresheners that he rubbed on himself to cover up the smell of scotch, and what he hoped was his own piss, ready to do his job, shout racial and religious invectives, and let anything in a skirt know that they are "too pretty to work in a place like this" while smacking and licking his scotch encrusted lips, and scratching himself.

"Daddy likes num-nums"
How could such a perfect creature, just magical, a dream come true, the alt-right  messiah, so how could he be gone, especially if Trump is also a perfect alt-right messiah? It is an Alt-Right mystery! The answer of course is that a Muslim-Zionist terrorist plot targeting "Action Bannon" has been underway for centuries, he postulates from a storage locker with a wrecked couch, scattered scotch empties, and a piss jug, which he referred to as his "Man-Shack". This conspiracy is also responsible for cock-blocking him, making him late for work, and spilling scotch on him right before important meetings and family events, he said while striping down to his soiled undergarments to "Let the wind do its work", while regularly passing gas. The Afro-Zionist Jihadis not only poisoned the mind of the President, made his scotch disappear while he is "Sleeping", and convinced every women he has ever loved to leave him, they also abduct young innocent Christians for their blood, which fuels their powers. At that point, deep in the "Scotch Fever", and waving a firearm, a sobbing Bannon made this reporter promise to tell his tale, before crawling up on his couch to work through the onset of a scotch induced coma, and of course, shitting himself.


Prophecy of the Scarab or The Scarab Prophecy, can Trump choose?

Part of the question is if the commander and chief maintains any control over himself, even just the ability to override them for only a moment, to save his daughter, and possibly redeem himself, or is he an unaware husk, a hollowed out meat puppet being controlled by a colony of evolved, eusocial scarabs.

The world does not end with a bang, but with a gurgle...of @#$%

Of course the differences between the prophecies are largely a matter of perspective, with "Prophecy of the Scarab" being a human prophecy of the coming, hyper-evolved dung beetle, and "The Scarab Prophecy" being a collected and redacted prophecy of the ancient scarabs to dung producing species, with a special emphasis on humans and bovines. The former prophecy includes arcane methods to dramatically deal with the rise of the scarab, while the later basically outlines how the Ancient Scarabs will farm us for our shit. So, I guess they are really different in content as well, the subject of "Scarab" is really the only common link.

Copies of the The Scarab Prophecies have been widely printed in many different languages and are handed out freely in pamphlet form by acolytes of the scarab, and religiously themed readings and sing along readings are often offered in many larger cities for The Lazy and Illiterate, a trade guild  supported financially and spiritually by the acolytes of the Scarabs and the Council of Ancient Scarabs, with additional funding provided by sympathetic secret societies across the globe.

Despite overlapping and and enmeshed goals with Donut(s) Party, Donut(s) Party wages a holy war against the coming of the Scarab, after the fiasco of Scarab Agents attempting to strong arm and blackmail the management of a local and beloved doughnut shop into seeding their donuts with Hyper-Evolved-Scarab larvae. The plot further thickened when it turned out it was a Potemkin donuts shop established in 1974 by the founders of Donut(s) Party as honey pot scheme to attract and eliminate rogue, heretic members of Donut(s) Party who hoped to incorporate Sadomasochistic punishment elements into Donut(s) Party events, and "Trap Doughnut" being placed along Sacrosanct Donuts purchased from a revered, local, non-chain donuts shop, as Donut(s) Roulette was banned in all its form during the "Hazy Summer of 71" when the true principles of Donut(s) Party where canonized. With it's isolated location in Wausau, Wisconson, and access to Antigo loam for the production of exceptional donuts grains, and a staff of aging but lovable, hippies, who just so happen to be secret OG Donut(S) Party Zealots, it seems like an ideal place to test the Doughnut related dispersal, whether it be pathological, ideological, or genetically engineered scarab larvae, so it has been maintained as Mecca for Doughnut purists, who will blissfully never now the true, darker purpose of the beloved "Manna Doughnuts Emporium", as a trap for those who threaten the purity of doughnuts, made all the more heinous by the fact that most hoped to do so for personal gain, like pissing in holy water.

So on that sweltering August night in 2015 when Russian agents of the Scarab attempted to strong-arm the Founder of Donut(s) Party, Horatio Monte'Claire, into putrefying his beloved doughnuts, with cursed mutant larvae, he butchered some on the spot, and with the help of Hmong Clansmen who had bound themselves to Monte'Claire in the 1980's, through vow, sacrifice and marriage, he took the rest into the woods for Arcane Donut(s) Party rituals of purification, and released them to their masters, shattered and reformed to spread the Gospel of Donut(s), and began Monte'Claire's obsessive search for the Codex of the Scarab, which is the only way to decipher  the Prophecy of the Scarab, which is written in Scarab Hieroglyphics by the Mad Coptic priest Cyril of Karnak in 628CE, began. The codex is currently being used by the Coptic Orthodox Church ostensibly to garner  concessions for their faith from nations and other faiths who are being targeted by the Scarab conspiracy, while they hold the upper hand, but also as a cathartic game of "keep-away" so the rest of the world can know what it is like to be held within the grasp of pitiless forces they have no control over.

Trump believed he would be transformed into an elegant and powerful Ancient Scarab, like Caitlyn Jenner times a thousand, and then he could do wrong in the eyes of the public, but the Scarabs lie endlessly and respect only power

So we must ask, can and will Trump choose to help Monte'Claire find codex and rid the world of the scarab menace, or as often happens, in a moment hubris, mistakenly thinks he can control them, only to have them turn on us in a moment of weakness, allowing the cycle to repeat, or will he be (or has been) swayed by the Scarab's promises to transform him into an ancient scarab, or has lost his freewill entirely to the song of the scarab, and works to implement The Scarab Prophecy. Only time, and random incoherent twitter rants will tell, and may G-d have mercy on us all.


Know Your Mob! Before it knows you...

Herd behavior got you down? Do crowds of angry people who hate you, for being you, make you upset? But still want to occasionally gang up on people, places, and things you hate with friends, family, "allies", and others who are caught in the spirit of the moment? Don't worry, that's just part of being an advanced social mammal, and as long you know your group dynamics, keep your nose down, stay in line, you'll be just fine.

Sure it's a riot, but of what variety, bread, police, race, religious, student, urban, sports etc.etc.? Or perhaps some blending of riots, the magenta of riots

Know your Crowd
Am I in a protest? Well. Are you being photographed? Is this still a protest? It should be noted that many things billed as peaceful protests often devolve...no? Your still just peaceably expressing your ideas? Can you loot in a protest? Are bludgeoning tools also the tool of the protester? Can I expect to be let off for my OUTRAGEOUS behavior based on the size and emotional nature of the crowd? Are all thing someone should be asking before they enter a crowd, and decide based on the nature of the crowd, and how much fun everyone in it is currently having.

You jumped in head first, and now this is how you're spending your night

Know your place in the crowd

It's alright to tell yourself that "You are the Alpha" in front of the bathroom mirror, or intimate it during obligatory sex, but in a crowd you have to be honest about your place in the pack and your ability to dominate others, or else you end up like Benito Mussolini circa April 28th, 1945. Remember, a crowd is like a beautiful women, on coke, with a small dog in her purse, drinking red bull and vodka out of a fountain cup, with misapplied make-up... and acting aspirations, so if you want to lead that @#$% show, fine, but most sensible folk understand that the real fun of a crowd is to submerge oneself in the group, rather than try to do something with a mass of unstable humanity. Being in a crowd is all about being "in", the ingroup, that and sticking it to those outgroup @$$holes, being yourself isn't how you establish a group paradigm.

Remember to have fun with it!

Of course, as always, the most important thing is to have fun with it, otherwise you are already dead and the people who hate you will be winning, and if you are like most Americans "Showing them All!" is the only thing keeping you going. Besides the obvious looting opportunities, and chances for relatively consequence free violence, it is also a chance to make friends for a moment and memories that will last a lifetime... no matter how much you drink.


It's time to put the Confederacy in museums

Everything can be appropriate if its in a Museum, this exhibition of sex positions takes up a "12 and older" space at the Amsterdam Science Museum 
Sometimes things go sideways, pear-shaped, or tits-up, but whatever anglo slang you are using, whether as an individual or a nation, sometimes ones intentions, whether they be good or self serving, sometimes go horribly wrong. Hitler is the most popular, famous, and misleading example of a nation being led astray, but you also have Stalin, the Young Turks monstrous debaucheries in Transcaucasia, Andrew Jackson and the Cherokee, and of course, the greatest of the USA's sins, African Slavery, the Civil War, and close to a century of a state approved persecution, followed by an interminable period of social racism, it is a sin that has cost more Americans more dearly than any other and costs us till this day, made all the worse because it seemed to be a system that came from a state of mind, rather than state of mind created by the system.

You can't blame the average white southerner, at first, they lived in the slave holding bubble, where everyone inside saw it as new and better form of European feudalism, where non-whites were the serfs, and all whites where free men with the slaveholders maintaining the balance of society like the lords of old. Of course anyone outside of the system could see it was a bunch of petty bourgeoisie using an antiquated system to corner the labor market in their sad little corner of the world, a system whose only redeeming quality is that it kept out new people and change. Then we had a war, the South lost, and in typical American style, we bungled the occupation. If we were to look at national conquests as sex acts, as I love to do, America is great at the conquest, but terrible at occupation, it comes in too hard, blows its load right as it is was starting to get some traction, leaving that biscuit buttered for whatever independence movement or foreign despot is attracted by the sounds of an unsatisfying struggle. The American South was/is, no different, and the old regime was back in power a decade or two after the wars end. The following 80 years of over the top, systemic, racism, without the economic benefits of slavery shows that, like Anti-Semitism in Europe, Class warfare in Russia, or Turkish Supremacy in Turkey, White on Black Racism in America is an ingrained problem, that if not actively confronted, revives, like the undead from a body shot.

The cross has been used as the symbol for many abominable causes, but it reminds you of Jesus and forgiveness, even if it is a symbol of terror to non-Christians, so we won't ban it. Remember that when you are dealing with symbols that are dear to some, but not your own

Now, because it is an ingrained problem, and because the Civil War was the war that definitively decided it was a problem, that we should De-Confederacize, Slave holders should be airbrushed from official portraits, their successes should be attributed to more worthy Americans, their symbols burned in public bonfires as their descendants are paraded through town and forced to denounce their ancestors, fortunately based on other 20th century nations that have practiced those sort of cultural purges, we know those cures are as bad as the disease. So what do we do with a landscape that is dotted with positive reminders of a malignant and not quite dead way of life? You put it in a museum, away from the uneducated masses, squarely in its historical context, and where inappropriate veneration can be dealt with. Tearing down history, like the caldera created from mammoth WWI era artillery shell could become a trench to the enemy, or how rubble in WWII could be better defensive position than the building was, uprooting history creates mental images and ideas of opposition more poignant and more recent than what the historical memorabilia did, a child seeing angry out-of-towners tearing down the images of a legendary southern past seeds another generation of sectional conflict. On the other hand, removing these statutes and other public reminders to a museum, where they will be respected and/or vilified for what they were, where visitors can mumble silent prayers or curses at a mixed alter, behind glass, with a placard next to it explaining its reality beyond and reasonable doubt. That is how you bury the past, with full honors, and a honest headstone.