The New EPA: Prostitutes, Cocaine, and Guns

"Think about it, chum. Good business is where you find it" 

Living up to the Trump administrations motto of "Spend more, do less", which is tattooed on a undisclosed location on their body while possible Trump appointee's were passed out at the 2015 Bohemian Grove after an especially drunken performance during "Play Night", by unknown Russian agents (Or staff hired to impersonate Russian agents, things get weird at the Grove), Pruitt is spending more of the EPA's money than his predecessors, while do virtually nothing to protect the enviroment, is purposefully not enforcing the law, and in fact, he is actively hindering the ability of EPA scientists to protect the enviroment. So what is the EPA doing with itself, if it isn't protecting the enviroment? Basically, compromising the scientific world, clandestine government drug deals, and engineering stock-market for profit murders.

1. "If all scientists are perverts, isn't Science just fake news?"

As we have previously reported on, the vast majority of scientists will follow, produce, and falsify scientific data if it get's their dick's wet. Unfortunately, many forms of inconvenient science, are also sexy, especially when it comes to climate change. Hence, Pruitt has, based on the example of the Australian firearm amnesty program, decided to secretly make Trump's stable of Russian Prostitutes available to the nations environmental scientists, in return for being able to blackmail them into touting the benefits of a warmer world, or face a sexual witchhunt, whether they engage in intercourse or not, so mine as well.

2. "This is the rock-and-roll EPA, we do COCAINE!!!!"

"Once you got your paw stuck in a honey-pot all there is left to do is a long line of cocaine and ride it out" Said former President Bill Clinton during an unsolicited interview at a seedy strip club as the former commander-in-chief compulsively jams ones down the G-string of a 40 year-old, overweight African-American stripper, and is also true of Pruitt's EPA. With the American Parks service hoping to franchise the Bohemian Grove, they are charging cocaine prices for admission, so the EPA has begun to grow, process, and distribute cocaine to wealthy, "In the know" campers, disguised as off brand sex pills at park adjacent gas-stations. Additionally, environmental scientists, will be expected to sell cocaine on the behalf of the EPA at international and interstate climate summits and events, as long as they don't discuss environmental science while they do so, with instruction to keep the discussion on: A) The size of Donald Trumps electoral victory/inauguration B) Where scientists can find the best Russian hookers C) How great uncut cocaine is, and D) Asking them if they want to go somewhere more private to "Do Science".

3. "Can't really protect the enviroment without firepower and a few bodies"

Who controls what's toxic? Who has access to your vehicle? Your drinking water? Who can hide the bodies where no one is allowed to look? The EPA can. The innocuous presence of the EPA (Who doesn't live in the enviroment, right?), their ability to rope off vast swaths of the nation to protect little known and little cared for plants and critters, and a new President who leans more on the blood side of the "Blood and Soil" argument, has turned the EPA into the new (Hidden) guns of the federal government. Now for the politically motivated murders you have a dearth of government agencies to choose from, but if you want to kill a person, or many people, for the profit of a few shadowy friends and associates, you need a government agency that isn't associated with murdering people for nebulous  and pragmatic ends of the federal government, steps in Pruitt's coked out, venereal sore encrusted EPA.  Whether it is finding a patsy for a mass shooting, poisoning a communities water, a unexplained car crash, or roping off a mass grave in the desert to protect a fictional burrowing animal, if there is a profitable murder, the EPA is your agency. In short, Trump wants to remind every one how deadly, mysterious, and terrifying the enviroment can be, and to make a buck doing it.


Today, Trump needs the KKK more than ever!

It was the only way an exhausted Jared Kushner could keep Trump from live-tweeting the whole thing

The KKK obviously referring to Kushner (Jared), Kushner (Ivanka), and Kelly, also known as the only thing keeping Trump from sounding like everyone of us  while drunkenly dancing in the bathroom mirror  after a bad break up  while listening to talk radio,  who must do everything in their power to keep Trump from tweeting about the indictment of Manafort and Gates, former campaign manager and campaign deputy for Trump. The White House, with all fingers crossed hopes to stick to the script, that this has nothing to do with Trump himself, which is disingenuous and infuriating, but still the best way to play it, but one can already sense Trump foaming at the mouth and air-tweeting his response, who knows if the strength of a retired general, the President's grown daughter, and the effete son of a total piece of garbage can hold down an enraged fully grown Trump if he sees Gates and Manafort make their initial appearance in DC courts, on FOX News.

While KKK and Associates had hoped to secure a lock of Hillary Clinton's hair from Martin Shkreli to waft under Trumps nose whenever he got distracted or agitated, they have had to make do with, on a rotating basis, to whisper "Crooked Hillary" in his ear from 1am till 4am, the only time the ectothermic president leaves his heated twitter throne to sleep. Additionally, Kushner has been paying off an intern at FOX and friends to funnel him their advertising schedule to avoid him viewing attack adds aimed at infuriating the President into saying and doing stupid things that will get him impeached, and sprinkling ground-up Flintstones vitamins onto the Presidents cheeseburgers to help moderate his emotions and mood. Lastly, the K.K.K. will, if all other methods fail, and the President seems hell bent on sinking all their fortunes with his mad internet rambling, the Kushners have agreed to hold Trump down while Kelly mangles the Presidents hands with a sledge hammer, for the sake of the President, Party, and Nation.


Kurdistan is our Czechoslovakia

Honestly, there are no people on the face of the earth more deserving of their own nation, that currently have no Nation State, than the Kurds, especially not a bunch of whiny, stingy, effete Catalans. Over 30 million Kurds are scattered between Iraq, Iran, Turkey and Syria, in a roughly contiguous zone, but those nations with their beautiful angles and curves of their Sykes-Picot style boarders, and asymmetric lines, very modernist and beautiful, in a stupid self serving sort of way, don't want the Kurds to be Kurds in their nation, but don't want to let them out of the social contract either. While the Ottomans under the Millet System had allowed various ethnic courts to act independently of the central government, had maintained a status quo between the various communities of the Empire through integration and the use of the Millet system, including the Kurds, until a bunch of unruly young Turks kicked that system squarely in the nuts/cunt. The resulting artificial states each repressed their Kurdish [Gerrymandered] minorities in-turn, from the 1920's until the early 21st century, when a mixture of American Adventurism/Militarism, Arab Spring, and long simmering ethnic tensions provided a narrow opportunity for Kurds to assert themselves as a proud and ancient people, who have had the fruits of their labor usurped by lesser nations, humiliated, murdered in mass without reprisal, and have suffered unspeakably for lack of a homeland, and thus, by any standard of national morality, deserve one.

Its even kinda shaped like Czechoslovakia

Yet, from Western civilization, crickets, from the UN, who has so dismally failed the Kurdish people time and again through out the 2nd act of the 20th century, distracted whistling, at best. Israel, the most censured state on earth is the only nation to support their independence. What is so horrible about the Kurds that they must remain minorities under the thumb of others? Why is America, who since 2003 have been praising the bravery and professionalism of the Peshmerga forces, their democracy their society, in Northern Syria and in Iraq, how they credited them with pushing ISIS from Northern Syria, and holding the line against ISIS in 2014 when the Iraqi army fled like cowards leaving the Kurds to their fate, why would the USA, a land founded on fighting high handed unnatural rule, deny the Kurds a democratic, egalitarian Nation State? Because it would lead to a series of hectic days, annoying schedules, possible hurt feelings,and  managing angry and competing allies who desperately want to maintain the prestige of a nation that can keep other smaller nations under their thumb indefinitely. Additionally, if the Kurds get their own state, they will be more focused on building that State, than acting as a proxy army for western powers who want them to deal with the ISIS threat that they had some part in creating, but no stomach for fighting.

"[Obama Speaking] All right, we'll drop bombs and guns indiscriminately in Syria and Northern Iraq, have the Kurds win the war, and then apportion their gains, to their oppressors"

Frankly, why did the relatively secular  Free Syrian Army crumble, and much of what was left of it went to ISIS? Because there were no great powers willing to back the opponents of Assad, while Hezbollah, Iran, and Russia gathered to back Assad, and even then the west's reaction was tepid and half-hearted compared to what Assad was getting, so who were Sunni Muslims supposed to look to for help on the ground besides Muslim extremists? Who could get them money, guns and training? And even in the fight against this manufactured foe, we are willing to double-cross true friends and allies to do it, in a manor that plays into the maniacal Assad and mad Ayatollah's, not to mention an ever more autocratic and Islamist Erdogan. I hope to God our nation will look past short sighted expedience and give these true friends of America the support they deserve, rather than throw another people under the bus because the State department would rather appease states that already exist, rather than support a people who desperately need a state.


While the bears are away, the Eskimo's will play


As Polar Bear numbers dwindles, the Eskimo population is poised to explode, just as it was decimated by the little Ice Age between 1400 and 1600, which ended Inuit whale hunting in the high arctic, both due to climate change, and polar bears who you can't prove weren't sentient and malevolent, during that period, you just can't. Honestly, mirror test a 15th century Polar Bear and prove me wrong, but I don't think you have the guts, or time traveling know how to prove me wrong, just to prove me wrong. Even in their current dumbed down form the large ursine carnivore is a sympatric predator of the Eskimo, who find it nearly impossible to compete with the Charismatic Megafauna, as hunters or as a popular symbol of their polar region, but thanks to global warming and resurgent whale populations, the Eskimo's are feeling lucky now that they no longer need to compete with the extremely sexually dimoprhic bears who are always the center of attention at any event they attend.

Tuunraq, keeper of game, hopes you get lucky

Now,as the people of the circumpolar region who live in stilted houses say, " If the stilts are a rocking, don't come a knocking", which used to refer to out of control alcoholism and domestic violence, but it increasingly refers to sex fueled by the total lack of fear that polar bears instill as predators and economic rivals and the warmer ice free temperatures, cause the poorly constructed dwelling to sway.

Have bears and arctic temperatures been the only thing holding the Eskimo's sexual revolution back? Well that's what I told these two Greenland Inuits

Of course, now that Eskimo's are free to spend their endless summer days cavorting in the taiga, unafraid of being attacked by the largest carnivorous predator in the world mid-coitus, or being unable to bring home the blubber because you got chased from your kill by some white @$$hole, will it lead to a boom in the Eskimo population, or will these new found liberties be primarily recreational? Or was it the fear of the Polar Bear that got them in the mood in the first place, that the fact that a 2,000 pound apex predator could choose to make you and your family its meal, at any moment, and there is nothing you could do about it, drove the Eskimo's to cherish life in a way they no longer will, devolving into an internet porn addiction at some point unless those majestic beasts are reintroduced into their lives, or they turn to increasingly niche fetishes.

Nothing like a Polar Bear to spice up your sex life


Rabbi X rides again!

Rabbi X, also known as Rabbi Yisrael Sassover, which itself is probably an alias, has been absent from the public eye for much of the Obama Presidency as he worked as the beloved President's dealer and Backchannel-Meister, both positions created by President Warren G. Harding, before returning to the private sector, which promptly rejected him, which has led him back to his roots, fringe religion/social activism. Unfortunately, due to his 1990's radio zoo handle "The Cantor of Cunt", who much like Jimmy Kimmel in his launch vehicle "The Man Show", was a rude, crude, and wildly misogynistic, which was far more acceptable in the late 90's right up till 9/11, but thanks to the internet, our zombie selves will always been nipping at our heels. As such, he was unable to take part in the Women's March, and has subsequently been left out of the Anti-Trump loop, probably by design, though the Rabbi insists it's "Purely a bureaucratic issue due to some outstanding warrants" and that they are saving him for some cultural American Ragnarok, so he needs to save his strength, and to cultivate his chi using "kabbalah", and hoarding cocaine.

"Now, is it good to help narco-terrorists, no, but on the other hand think of all the learning you could do!"

That is until one fateful night while looking for neshema's to save on dark net chat rooms, and sources to score wholesale quantities of uncut cocaine from, that he briefly got involved with the white power movement. Snow blind from cocaine, Rabbi X penned a mad manifesto, using various web sites suggested by new friends, and rationalizing that Christianity is just Greco-Latin Judaism, and Islam is just Arab Judaism, and there were already Black Hebrews, so the Rabbi formulated White Judaism, and began proselytizing to other out of control coke heads who found themselves adrift in this Modern Era. His efforts with his local chapters of various white power movements, eventually culminated in a Youtube video of a entire compound of White Supremacists celebrating a relatively authentic Shabbos, which went viral, leading to national chapters of various white power movements brutally reinserting Jesus into the live of White Supremacists throughout the San Joaquin valley, though scattered enclaves of "X Jews"   living in survivalist communes in northern California and Oregon are said to have survived, adding to list of things that they had been decimated by, but survived, as the Rabbi had taught them. 

Here a community of X Jews can be seen celebrating a traditional Shabbos, as the sacred Youtube video has taught

As the Rabbi always says " Life is what happens while your hoarding guns and cocaine", and unfazed by his loss of prestige, the subsequent raids of his drug-ware and safe houses, and well known connection to the white power movement that would hobble a less shameless man in normal society, he danced from one social extreme to the other, like the great awkward circle of monogender dancers at one of Rabbi X's infamous Neo-Orthodox weddings. The Rabbi, under the assumed name of Tooley Shmuogoldstein, illegally rented an abandoned rangers cabin in Capital State Forest, and began plotting how to bring "True Equality to the Races", with the eventual goal of, once again, gathering a cult like following.