US to hold prisoners indefinately

"Just tell me you did it and I will let go"
As part of Obama's attempt to bring compassion into the criminal justice system the President has authorized Police, FBI Agents and any other officers of the Law, to hold a suspect or prisoner in a snug, but loving, embrace as long as the officer deems necessary. While the initiative was meant to give those with in the power of the law a sense of deep connection and warmth with those charged with their care, many prisoner rights groups say this new power is already being abused. Many officers have been using the extreme discomfort caused by a strange authority figure holding you in a loving embrace while his partner trains his service weapon on you as the officer sways back and forth mumbling in ecstasy about how much he needed this, to elicit confessions and turn informants.


The Fellonist strike's Prohibition Town once again

Just when he thought he had found the perfect crime, the system changed the rules...

Prohibition Town, Indian Territories- While many of the towns folk had hoped that the repeal of prohibition within Prohibition Town would end the cycle of public drinking, organizing of crime, both illicit and seditious, bootlegging related massacres, and wild zoning and code violations at his many speakeasies owned and operated by The Fellonist and his nefarious associates, many of whom were on probation and their mere association with the Fellonist was in fact, a felony. Instead, according to the Fellonist's indentured butler, whose arrangement is a gross violation of the 14th Amendment, who said:

" As I initiated a rube goldberg scenario of felonies that resulted in the phonograph playing a bootlegged version of Morgenstimmung, and preparing his breakfast of poached poached eggs, Sausage made both from stolen cured pork, and pigs that were stolen and slaughtered onsite, as well as grits made from corn that was unethically and illegally harvested from federal lands, and cheese made from milk the Fellonist had stolen in the night from sleeping cows while in a farmer costume, which itself had also been stolen.The Fellonist sprayed his coffee out his nose when he saw the Prohibition Town Gazette's headline " Prohibition Repealed in Prohibition Town: Town hopes to rejoice" with the byline "I knew it could happen, but I never thought it would happen here" and wound up a time bomb that he threw out the window in rage onto the train tracks bellow."

While most onlookers at first thought his reaction was to the news that a whole avenue for breaking the law in such a way as to constitute a felony had been taken from a man who derives all sense of worth from his ability to commit such acts, it turns out that his entrance into town dressed as a Victorian era women wielding a hatchet, was with an entirely different, twisted, logic. As he smashed bottles and kegs at each newly opened Saloon and Tavern, many thought it odd, that a man who had such destructive capabilities, and who just that day had caused  53 train related fatalities, would go about destroying property in period drag with a small axe. It soon became apparent from his shrill proselytizing whine that he believed the repeal of prohibition was in fact a new law which mandated drinking, and if people were unable to drink, they would be found in arrears, as he explained when he thought he had trapped a unwary Publican in his scheme, which is his term for any series of actions. Once explained the Publican told him that there were still many, many, many illegal substances whose mere possession was a felony in most localities, including Prohibition Town, which convinced him to release his grip on the publicans collar and hitch a ride on the back of a trolley bound for booze town with intent to distribute.


Accidental ISIS

Since its inception into varsity league terror, one of the most frightening things about ISIS is how inadvertently many people have joined it.
It was believed that Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott joined ISIS after getting exceptionally high
 Ashton Kutcher and his "Dude, Wheres my Car" co-star Sean William Scott accidentally joined last summer under "hazy circumstances" ,after which the Hollywood heartthrob giggled for a while and then admitted it had to do with smoking weed and the promise of more weed. While he has since returned to the USA and renounced his extremist ties, he still speaks nostalgically of the quality and quantity of the hash he smoked while he was sapping Palmyra and butchering Yazidis.
ISIS has been hacking road signs to divert gullible travelers to Northern Syria & Iraq
ISIS has also used its technical know-how and media acumen to advertise false tour dates and locations within ISIS territories for bands that openly promote drug (but not alcohol) culture, hacked road-signs to divert travelers into livestock containers bound for Raqqa, and by promoting its sex tourism on the dark-net. Several ISIS recruiters posed as quasi ethnic stand up comedians using French and Jewish jokes to test the room before inviting everyone to an after-party at "The Caliphate". and at least one recruiter has made  a name for himself trolling forums and suggesting, to a vast array of questions, "Joining ISIS couldn't hurt, right?" and has since made millions in T-shirt sales with that catchphrase.


Punking Hitler!

The Ghost Armies "Dildo Chair" takes its toll on the fuhrer once again.
The Ghost Army was an elite, hand picked group of Americans brought together to get inside Hitler's head and @#%! it! From inflatable vehicles and deceptive radio signals, to transsexual Eva Braun look a likes and replacing his shampoo and toothpaste with caustic chemicals and feces.
Agents push a VW bug containing Hitler, unconscious, in drag, into the women dorm at a Berlin university
The Ghost Army’s greatest hoax occurred in March 1945 when it impersonated two complete divisions of 40,000 men using soundtracks of construction work and more than 600 inflatable vehicles. The entire operation climaxed with 30 B-19's dropping 300 tons of human waste on and around the Reichstag. Immediately following up on their success, they initiated " The Clowning of Berlin" where some 2,000 resistance clowns where joined by 500 clown agents to prank and make light of the situation the Nazis found themselves in, it is believed that the Clowning of Berlin is what finally drove Hitler to suicide. 


Trumpian love-fests abound

Clinton stated "I am debasing myself with many amoral, and tight women, to display the total moral vacuum which is the Trump Campaign". 
While many commentators have discussed the violence and racism prevalent  around Trump rallies, few have talked about the violent but consensual love fests occurring up, around and inside American politics. pistoning away for Trump. Few can deny that his devil may care and consent is a matter of opinion attitude has lead to a lot of penetration, it is widely expected that 2017's baby name of the year will be "Trump II" as per his request, and at a communal Bris Trump said " I don't care for any of you, most of you are foreigners, but I love you, because you fight, and you are quality" He then squatted and expelled 7-pounds of liquid waste in under 6-seconds, in what many thought was a ruptured sphincter episode, but what was in fact a rectal publicity stunt.

In response to the KKK's endorsement Hillary says "Thank you, but not now".

The KKK has switched its allegiance from Trump, almost entirely on Hillary's plans for a "Greater America".
America 2021, or bust
While most Clinton supporters look towards the domestic and foreign policies Clinton has put forward, few look at the billions Clinton has funneled into the adventures of hundreds of free-booting Stalinist white supremacists fanning out over the Americas, each making a revolution, only, in their individual allotment. From a flotilla of electric powered, wind supplied submersibles one Arkansas warrior had this to say:
A white band, like Martha's Vineyard from Portland to Portland, can you dig it!!!


"I am saying "F---k You!", as hard as I possibly can" Says Ayatollah

Sayyed Ali Hosseini Khamenei would like the USA to take a seat and rotate
After Iran launched a number of Ballistic Missiles, in contravention of UN bans, with one having  "Israel must be wiped off the Earth," written on it in Hebrew, the Ayatollah had this to say:

 "I really don't know what we have to do to show you just how little we care about your sensibilities or what we would do to you if you ever fell into our power. We are planning a whole series of commemorative ballistic missiles capable carrying a nuclear war head and striking at US allies. We have already planned " Bend over Obama", "Iranian for Self Defense", "Totally not a nuclear delivery system [smirking face covering its mouth with its hand]" and many more, until we can finally weasel out of our treaty obligations and go all Allah on you."

It was also confirmed that there would be a "Trump" missile as well, but it was unclear if this was a insult or a licensing deal. Trump had this to say "Just so you understand, I don't know anything about Iran or its missile program, OK? I don't know anything about what you're even talking about with a Shia Theocracy or Islamic Revolution". Though he assured reporter that if a ballistic missile did bear his name it would have to be quality, and would definitely "Kill a lot of kikes".


Hillary Clinton's Emails show she is just not a good person

Hillary Clinton texted this image to President Obama, which read " I just grabbed this girl on her way to school and brought her home with me, can I keep her?"

While Mrs. Clinton's email scandal has generally focused on the blase way that she handle sensitive information, much of which has reflected poorly on her as a former secretary of state and as the Democratic candidate for the presidency, but they also show that she is a huge, mean-spirited, power crazed jerk. While not a matter of national security, in one anecdote she described Bill's chivalry while her husband was governor of Arkansas:

"Bill, you know can sometimes be insensitive, but one rainy Arkansas day, Bill saw I was about step into a puddle, so he grabbed the nearest person to him by the neck, I believe it was an elderly [racial expletive] women, at least I think it was a women, you know how "those people" look after 50. Anyway, he pushed her face first into the puddle so I could walk over it, and kept his foot on her back until she thanked me for the privilege, I still get a good laugh out of it just thinking about it now."

She also discussed how she stole cutlery from state dinners, used interns as furniture, would kick the Obama's dog when no one was looking, and believed Obama's daughters were stealing from her, though she begrudgingly called Barack "one of the good ones."

In many emails Mrs. Clinton mentions the perverse joy she gets from farting in enclosed spaces 

After the 2012 Benghazi attack Clinton would send out news stories to staffers about how U.S Ambassador J. Christopher  Stevens was violated before and after his death, stating " The [Homophobic expletive] probably liked it, LOL. Seriously, they probably gave him his dream send off" and "He always was a pain in the ass".

In a internal white house contest for one picture that describes how one feels about the American people, this was her entry.
As of press, newly released emails described how she ate other peoples lunches, even when they were clearly marked, shat in urinals, and would discuss the upside of suicide to anyone who came to her with a problem.


The Rise of the Super Delegates

A common feature in a democracy is civilian control of the military, but what happens when the masses are no longer beholden to their civilian leaders and become a threat to the established order? What happens when silent majorities rise up demanding that their voices be heard? We have no Ataturk to reign in the caprice and superstitions of the masses, and despite the militarization of our police forces, citizens can still be heard. Our Democratic elders, in a draconian display of their sagacity, spent over a decade (1968-82) developing the "Super Delegate". Originally only comprising 14% of all delegates in 1982, their numbers now comprise 20% of all delegates, and the DNC hopes, ideally, to swell their ranks to 30% of all delegates. They are chosen from the democratic elite, sitting Democratic Governors, Senators, Congressfolk and party leaders. These uber delegates are given the right to vote for their candidate of choice, irregardless of the feckless choices made by democratic voters.

"The people who cast the votes don't decide an election, the people who count the votes do."
Inoculated against populist sentiment, indoctrinated in party fealty and fitted with a range of cybernetic implants making them ideal for stumping for candidates, identifying potential and subversive voters,and infiltrating and manipulating caucuses, primaries and conventions. These delegates will use whatever means necessary to secure the coronation of the DNC's chosen candidate.

Texas is yours Mrs. Clinton
As of now the DNC is attempting to fit their super-delegates with temporal displacement devices so they can go back in time and kill Dorothy Sanders before Bernie is born, this saving Clinton from the embarrassment of having to actually convince the unwashed masses that she should lead them, though Sanders says he has a very, very, very good chance to send back his best friend to protect her from time traveling super-delegates.