Marwan! Marwan! Marwan!

Marwan Barghouti continuing to resist Israel by farting in the prison transport on a 90 degree day

Mustafa Barghouti, or as his older more famous and violent cousin Marwan like's to call him " The Proctologist", after insinuating his impotence and somehow reminding him that he won a position from jail that Mustafa himself had failed to attain, could be seen turning beet red and visible steam, seemingly under pressure to the point that he began making tea pot like noises, after hearing that Palestinians around the globe and the nation of Tunisia have backed Marwan, who is currently serving five consecutive life sentences for masterminding three terrorist attacks that killed 5 civilians, for the Nobel Peace prize, a prize Mustafa had been nominated for  in 2010 by Mairead Maguire, who said he deserved the award because " A prize to Barghouti would be a recognition of not only his great spirit of peace and nonviolence, but also the Palestinian Nonviolent Movement, which gives us all hope for the future of Palestine, Israel and the Middle East Community"  while Marwan's own brother, Maqbel, described Marwan as "a naughty and rebellious boy". In fact when Mustafa heard the campaign is also backed by Adolfo Perez Esquivel, an Argentine human rights activist, pacifist and writer who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1980, he became so enrage and consumed by jealousy  that he exploded, leaving himself singed and seething. As of now Mustafa has locked himself in his room and is promising to never come out again.


Bill Clinton to rock out with his.... WAAA!?!?!?

He's opening his ideological fly and letting his politics out
After spending the last... lets say...50 days, stumping for Hillary to ensure that New York Democrats wouldn't embarrass Hillary, like he has done so many times before; Bill feels like he can finally let it all out. Now that the popular will has been all but obliterated he plans to once again make his genitals front and center in the face of American politics. While already focus testing just how much infidelity he would be able to get away with, both on the campaign trail and hypothetically, in the white house, he has been seen in public "accidentally" letting his penis come into view. A staffer at the Clinton Foundation, who wished to remain anonymous, because that's what they are into, said " Oh, yeah, since they wrapped up New York his penis is all he can talk about, and he has definitely been testing the waters as far as how much he can show without creating waves".
Clinton describes, in details both minute and figurative, the exact dimensions and  qualities of his genitals, and how they have changed over the last 15 years, to the Pittsburgh chapter of the Special Libraries Association (SLA)
   While Millennials, who have overwhelmingly flocked to Sen. Sanders, might not remember just how big of a deal Bill Clinton's Penis is to this nation, most Americans will never be able to forget it. While it had always been an important part of his bad boy charm, Bill Clinton's Penises greatest moment was in 1998 when it was detailed in every publication in the nation, was on the lips of every commentators, it was reviewed by congress, it was even the entire subject of many a late night monologue, to say the least, his Penis had never been bigger. While it has diminished greatly in the last decade and a half of playing second fiddle to his wife's ambition, little slick willy is stirring once again, and no one wants it seen more then Bill who has hired a Transgender "make up artist" to help present it in the best possible light, and just engorged enough to be presentable, an apparent nod to the LGBTQ community, or he just likes his cosmetics both ways.
  While campaigning in Philadelphia the former president shocked crowds as he moved away from the podium as his gussied up glans were unveild for all to see, and his make up artist, who had been preparing him the last 15 minutes from inside the podium, was finally allowed a sigh of relief. The former president then did a brief, carefree dance, kicked his heels, followed by ten minutes of tap-dancing, before stuffing it back in and walking off stage to wild applause.


Hot dog comedian skewers politicians, Sanders and Trump both require stitches

"Don't you just hate it when you have pinned a state Senator to a bar floor with your over-sized BQQ prong [laughter] No! no, my weapon, you guys are gross, but anyway, you ask him "Do you believe in G-d" and the as-h-le pauses to think, is that really something an adult politician could truthfully ignore their whole life!? No! Of course not! The jerk is just trying to figure out which answer will save his life, some people are so fake."
Wiener Town, NY - The ever living folk creature "Hot Dog Boy" has made his return after a 40 year absence to plague politicians with biting satire, sarcasm, and the threat of impalement. Working under vague Salem protocols the cursed creation of meshed parts, intestinal casings, and bread made of highly processed super gluten, the nitrite fueled sausage's behavior, having been recorded in Iroquois tapestries and early wood prints as"Hot Dog Boy" has been pardoned throughout history, and to attempt to bring him to trial would release "Hell's Snack bar". Last night, Hot Dog Boy held up a Democratic fundraiser along with his "Tube meat Gang" made up of armed, cursed, hot dog vendors who had sold their souls to the King of Condiments for a perfect corner, and impaling Secretary Clinton, who still very much alive, had been dipped in cornmeal and was about to be deep fried when the "Son of the Cajun",  the teenage crime fighter and heir to the late "The Cajun", burst in firing rock salt into his already sodium rich target till he dissipated promising revenge in the form of a gassy political limerick about farts and intentions, but we all knew what he meant.


Trump Advocates placing all Muslims & Mexicans in giant specimen jars

They will only be getting the best bio-feed available
From the prow of his Zeppelin Candidate Trump doubled down on his plan to take all Muslims and rapist criminal mexicans, place them in a nutrient rich bath, keep an eye on them, and confiscate their property to pay for it. While both parties agreed his statement was beyond the pale, they were forced to scatter when Trump released his privateers on the gathered reporters, politicians and protesters before riding a column of them down from his chariot, allowing his hounds to feast on their remains.

You're holding that baby wrong! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL IT!

Naww! Just kidding, the Tesco baby is fine

Now that I have your attention...sex! The Australian Sex Party is filling an official complaint against Senator Nick Xenophon, whose service & love for Sparta are legendary and mutual, over his official banner, which is very similar to the battle flag of the Sex faction. Well not the Sex parties flag, but the word sex itself, because it has an X in it, and that letter sounds like that sound because it uses that letter of the alphabet, and the sexists want him to stop confusing people and just give it up and put out. While no one is asking this, one must wonder why Xenophon can't just make his banner using the Greek alphabet's "Xi" symbol, or why the Sex party wouldn't want to go all the way and put a cartoonish depiction of sex in a bed with graphics around a lumpy blanket indicating  strenuous fornication? Or why the fact that a letter sounding like a word would confuse adult citizens? Or if these two groups just fabricated his whole thing for publicity.


5 Unmistakable signs you need to flee your job

1) Your boss requires you to eat hearty meals of maize and barely for several weeks after being hired, as well as regular comments about your "Beautiful hams". Then being invited to the company's oak groves and pastures for a two week team building survival retreat where employee will be forced to survive on a diet of grass, herbs, acorns and roots, followed by a steady diet of olives and acorns, followed by a vacation, and being regularly referred to as the "The meat"? It might just be time to flee your job.

The Office's recycling program at work

2) An overtly rapey vibe, if you have to tell people to get that out of your face more than 5 times a day and pants optional Friday's are observed, it might just be time to flee your job.
Commenting on the use of your "assets" for company "business" is not normal water cooler small talk

3)If there are cold spots, flickering lights, whispering voices, phantasmal flies, bleeding walls, objects moving seemingly of their own volition, conversations with co-workers who it turns out committed suicide in the supply closet a decade ago, and a bat winged demon bellowing for you to "Get Out!"? It might just be time to flee your job.

If the overwhelming sense of dread isn't enough reason, flee from the dangerous levels of mold, dust and rodent feces

4) Bees, just bees, pretty freaky in an enclosed spaces, should probably flee sooner rather than later, wait for the issue with the bees to be resolved, can't be expected to work around bees' ,unless you work in an apiary.

Maybe we shouldn't have been playing catch in the office, but who thought this was a good idea?

5) If your job is located in a failed state? Or Detroit? Its time to flee.