3/24/2018

After Parkland, nations' pervs release a throaty sigh of relief, and release

#metoo, remember that shit? Naa, now its all guns, guns, guns! How can pervy drama folk hold a candle to murdered students? Unless a beloved or influential troop of theater people get caught in a non-consensual orgy, and sex trafficking ring, no one cares about workplace sex right now, if that sex happens at gun point, perhaps, otherwise , but for now, the nations vengeful hard-on has shifted left.That means the perves of the nation can once again unfurl their freak-flags, @#$% feathers unfurl, sexual setae bristle etc. While the nation is still very much against the sex stuff, slice and dice murder themed news stuff wins the round, and the public is fickle, their attention spans short, and many of them have their own weird sex thing, as of yet unstigmatized, but not part of the accepted sexual canon, and so a nation moves on.

Without national focus, and unpersecuted pervs counting coup after the wave of outrage has passed, like students spared from a rampaging peer by some odd kismet, spared sexual predators can again return to their routines, methods, and general abuses, without the fear of an unstoppable public backlash, unless their sexual abuses involve a gun, high school students, and redundant failures in a system meant to protect us, Al Franken had this to say:

"Today we stand with Parkland, and every school and community blighted by gun violence, and moving past a sexual witch hunt, which, while appropriate and and unchangeable in its time, has become passe. While I hope for a day where students and Americans in general can feel safe in public without the threat of random gun violence, they should also realize that if they fall asleep and a love-able jokester squeezes their breasts to entertain the troops, before their career in public services, its going to be no biggy, unless they shoot her subsequently."

Whiles James Franco couldn't be reached directly, a member of his entourage confirmed that he was receiving road head on Route 80 from New Jersey to San Francisco, and wouldn't be stopping unless they ran out of amyle nitrates, or a a group of legal teenagers need consoling in the wake of a violent incident, or a bachelorette party.


3/21/2018

Sudan fakes death to avoid Incest

The world wanted him to impregnate his daughter and granddaughter, he just wanted that not to happen
The the WWF and their ilk would like you to believe "Sudan, the last of the Northern White Rhino died in Kenya",  while a White Rhino  who looked like Sudan, aside from a bushy beard and mustache, and a rhino scale fedora was seen making his way to mingle with a herd of Southern White Rhinos around lake Nakuru. It should also be noted that if you say the above quoted phrase to a certain antique dealer in Barcelona, you will go down a rabbit hole you could never have dreamt of. While his daughter Najin, and Granddaughter Fatu are still held in captivity, where their captors still seek to impregnate them with Sudan's frozen seed in their sick Eugenics attempt to breed a "Pure" Northern White Rhinos. Like an inbred Eastern European Teuton dynasty, the smaller, chubbier, balder, with a bad case of horn envy, Northern White Rhinos have been fetishized  by conservationists the world round due to their near extinction numbers. While their population has always been small, only 3,000 in 1909, there numbers dropped precipitously, to 31 in  1984, due to living in Sub-Saharan Africa without an AK-47, and while their numbers increased 47 in 2000, both conservationists and captive breeding programs simultaneously dropped the ball. What is left of this population is the sexiest thing to happen for a distinct set of zoological fetishists with a hard on for near extinct charismatic Megafauna,  since the Western Black Rhino was declared extinct in 2011.

It should also be noted that the Southern White Rhino is doing just fine, the most abundant subspecies of Rhino today, and therefore far less sexy. Knowing this, Sudan, who has been faking infertility for years to avoid procreating with relatives, knew his only chance for settling down for the quiet life with a nice Southern female was to work with a team of World Wrestling Federation extremists dressed as conservationists, romancing Kate Micucci, co-opting a gang of corrupt Kenyan officials, and befriending the Kratt brothers, who do not consider the semi-natural surroundings of the  Ol Pejeta Conservancy to be "Living free, and in the wild".  Of course they were opposed by WWF goons, who wanted nothing more than to continue using Sudan as the raison d'etre and fundraising tool, Kenyan officials fighting for good government, and Nature Cat. The whole plot would have been foiled to, if not for some skillful voice work from Micucci, which distracted  Nature Cat just long enough for Mick Foley and Martin Kratt to sneak Sudan into an 18-wheeler for the 5-hour drive to Lake Nakuru. After a well played fox & hound/ Fish & bird romance analogies, despite her saucer eyes and squeaking voice, Sudan was able to let Kate down easy, the Kratt brothers were just happy to get a selfie with Sudan and knowing they had knocked Nature Cat off "The Wagon" ensuring PBS funding for years to come, and the hardcore violence ballerinos were just glad to strike a blow for the day that WWF will again be associated dramatic violence, as opposed to the slow death of the natural world.

3/18/2018

GOP Senators and Congressmen are retiring to write for the "Gowdy-verse"


Trey at GowdyCon critiquing Orrin Hatch's "The Chronicles of Captain Buckley",  which exists in a parallel Universe, similar but separate from the Gowdyverse canon



While many have attributed the recent wave of GOP retirements in congress to a historically unpopular President, accusations of gerrymandering, and competitive races, it now seems most of them are leaving their legislative posts to help write and edit a science-fiction anthology series outlined by Trey Gowdy. The Punk Diesel interplanetary adventures, social commentary, steamy marital romances, and irrefutable proof of Jesus's existence and life...on Mars. While the Martian Jesus cycle is a favorite among retiring Senators, congressional quitters prefer the connected European-Armageddon Saga, both of which descend from Trey's original four-part series "Libtard Murderbots, and the HeShes who love them".   

While initially a way to pass the time during shutdown, Filibusters, lock-downs, it turned into an all consuming passion  that made representing their constituencies increasingly difficult. The "Congressional Cadets", as mean spirited Democrats called them, learned to love creative writing through Gowdy's singular universe of compromised values, angry men with a will to fight, and enough guns and gadgets to fill an encyclopedia, which [Bob] Corker is currently working on, they also began to drift from the values and drives that had sustained them up to that point. No longer interested in their button down Capital Hill lifestyles, pursuits for power, glory, or even the practiced patriotism they had always thought was genuine, now, only their art matters.

Rodney Frelinghuysen, whose tongue cheek style, as well as a love for Twilightzone like twists described what the group of former GOP representatives have planned for their retirement:

"We are getting a Ranch somewhere, Colorado, maybe Nevada, somewhere we can smoke a lot of legal weed, and trip on peyote and mushrooms far from the eyes of Johnny Law. We are going to grow our own crops, get our energy from the sun, our water from the ground, living  a simple yet awesome lifestyle far from our former selves as we write about the human experience through the adventures of successive generations of military, intelligence, and Space Force...were talking about changing that, agents  and their families as humanity forges a place for itself among the stars. Poe & Jenkins are working on a musical companion piece that includes prolonged nude dancing, with only body paint and the shadows to hide their ever ebbing shame."

While this journalist doubts this highly nuanced and experimental anthology, already several volumes long, can find a mainstream audience, much less the "3 seasons and a movie" Lobiondo began chanting when I asked the assembled writers/lawmaker/imagineers where they saw the Gowdyverse in 5-years. Yet it is already influencing a generation of young writer, disaffected politicians and powerbrokers, and firebrand mavericks of all stripes to turn on, tune in, drop out, and look at conservative ideology through the distorted yet marvelous lens of the libertarian imagination, and whitewashed Imperialism.   



3/14/2018

Trump's Pi day takes a pro-Pie turn

Are the mathematical qualities of Pi, for squares?
While those truly devoted Pi Day observers will argue whether the day is 4/13 or 3/14, or how far those who truly love a good circle should go after the decimal point, and those less puritanical adherents, who tolerate such talk, in return for round flaky desserts bursting with pectin fused deliciousness, Trump has insisted on honoring the dessert, over its inspiration.

Upon receiving this vanity pie from "Ray NJ Pizza", Trumped retired to the Residence for 2 hours of impromptu executive time, while staffers ignored moans of...eating? Till a sweaty grinning POTUS mumbled something about liking Italian before Kelly hosed the room down and bleached it.  
Ignoring the symbol of Pi entirely the President had arranged a series of photo ops with contributing restaurateurs, house wives of Scandinavian descent, and the "Pie-style" guy who made it a few rounds in a food-network show. Other White House "Pie Day" events included a depressing Pie fight Trump forced Interns to participate in, a Pie eating contest, followed by chain-vomiting, an "American Pie" themed orgy, and pie @#$%ing.

Later that day Trump revealed he he had used the egg-head holiday to put together a list of STEM extremists to purge from the government who had complained about the Pie centric behavior, despite National Pie Day being on January 23rd, and the mystery of the spheres being eternally perplexing and alluring, whereas the allure of a food in a shape that is, theoretically, infinitely divisible, is obvious.

3/08/2018

Sex Toys in the classroom?

Not for the students! Who are under 18, without a Permission letter, unless permitted by state law
While allowing sex toys, both their storage and use, in the classrooms, library, principles office, inside ones own locker if space permits, A Professors office and/or panel van, the teachers lounge, or on a pile of belongings that people carelessly left in the classroom, seems antithetical to the principles of academia, we all know that just makes it hotter. While students, professors, teacher, assistants of various denominations,  and of course, janitors have known, holistically, that getting off with the help of sexual aides helps them be patient, kind, occasionally out of breath, improved concentration, and improve self-esteem, but now researchers are backing them up, and so are legislators. Disgraced, but still hilarious and likable, former Senator Al Franken commented:

" Had I had the pantheon of goofy, comical, over the top, and surprising anatomically correct, while still plummeting into the uncanny valley in a rainbow of ways, sex toys to play out my humorous machinations with, using a human model would have been the furthest thing from my mind. While the flight of ideas that typify a comical genius like me, should never be stifled by petty morality, but I understand that, in the current political climate, where the victims are now being heard, it isn't time for standing up for honking a women's imaginary breasts over her flack jacket, while getting revved up to entertain the troops, even if it deprives the good people of Minnesota of proper representation, and all my hilarious boners, figurative and otherwise"

Followed quickly by an attempted cock punch this journalist deftly parried, but not without having to endure the collateral titty twist, as so many journalists have in return for interviewing the beloved thespian, former senator,  and infamous national treasure.

 

MIT, Harvard, and Rape U have come out with volumes of data, for the first time written with both hands due to technology, instead of the oral and digital skills of pliant and/or star struck interns, that supports the regular us of sex toys to improve physical and psychological health, and their normalization in society. Researchers, who clearly practice what they preach, as evidenced by the sounds emanating from the researchers torso of vibrations, various electronic alerts, scrotal movement, and the otherwise explainable glassy stares  and heavy breathing of researchers distractedly taking questions, promised that the muting of ones acute biological imperative through regular release, would make up for soporific behavior, and a general lack of initiative. While a clear, breathy argument can be made on both sides, this reporter can't help wonder, won't somebody think of the children?

This sexual sculpture had been hanging in Mrs. Delaney's of  Duluth, MN, classroom, before the schoolmarms and city-father forced her to take it down



3/05/2018

Michael Shannon wants you to know, he ain't so bad

"I will never hurt you...without a safe word"
"I am doing the best I can with the face G-d gave me, and the authority I have carefully cultivated in my voice, and I am nothing like my grandfather" Said the Antagonist of 2017 Best Picture The Shape of Water.  " I am neither an entomologist, crypto-bigot, or have ever faked my own death to forward a genocidal plot instigated by the Knights of the Golden Circle" Stated for no apparent reason while Guillermo Del Toro whooped and hollered, as Octavia Spencer took a shit on the floor.

While the exact motivation Mr. Shannon had for bringing up his storied Grandfather are a mist of ether, cocaine, and mysterious Toro powder, one thing is for sure, that man doesn't represent him. Raymond Corbett Shannon who was a medical entomologist specializing in Diptera, who might have, or have not, faked his own death to take part in a Dixiecrat conspiracy, the world rarely knows, but it isn't Michael!

What is known, is that Michael Shannon is strong, impervious to conventional weapons, and wants to live a life beyond the shadow of secretive southern aristocrats and intellectuals bent on racial dominance.  He just likes channeling himself into his art, and only maintains a collection of his  grand fathers things as a personal museum and sensorium, and a sentient crocodile he periodically wrestles with to establish mating dominance, for artistic purposes.

One thing is for sure, while everyone called  5-year old him a liar when he said his dead grandfather  immolated himself to stop the spread of a terrible infection, after telling him how much he loved him and his father, but hated his bitch mother, which also happened to be the first and only time he met his Grandfather, was a formative experience.   

2/13/2018

5 Ways to resolve the NFL protests



The fans weren't sure if they were protesting, or saluting, and they didn't much care


1)  A choreographed dance number to a different piece of Patriotic music - Americans can't stand quiet kneeling, who can, its preachy, passive, and most importantly, boring. No one watches sports to see people take a knee, if it was any other portion of the game, a goofy mascot would provide a sideshow for the less politically inclined shirtless painted guy who is already three beers and two hot dogs into a "life affirming" ritual. Instead of being comforting, patriotic, set to British drinking song to mock their thin skinned effete sensibilities and love of ceremony, there is an eerie reminder that the fight for liberty and equality is an eternal struggle against our worst selves. Instead I offer options for delightful patriotic displays to contrast with National Anthem that don't clash with its themes of casual violence and tumescent spectacle. From "The Stars and Stripes Forever" blaring from Bison with  sound systems strapped to their backs, which will spook the animals into galloping across the fields, or perhaps drowning out the national anthem with the protesting players singing "Yankee Doodle", while setting off fire works. Quiet dignity is great for quiet times, behind closed doors, close family and friends, and that crazy asshole from the bar that talks like Trump, but not at the most spectacular thing most of us can ever be a part of, as close to Mad Max as most of us are willing to get. So go big, or stand up and pretend to mumble the words!



2) Have a player beat a dirty cop to death before the coin toss - Football, as it is played by the NFL, is soft-core bloodsports, its controlled violence that we all watch (and will pay a premium for a live viewing of) hoping things will get out of control, and if nobody does get hurt, or hurt enough, on the field, we can expect riots. Violence wise, football is the closest most of us can get to rubbing our violence nub without fines or jailtime. So lets kill two birds with one stone, and get the fans' juices' percolating, prevents rioting due to collective blue-balls, and get some of that sweet social justice everyone keeps talking about. A championed player chosen by consensus, in full team regalia, to beat a dirty cop, not unconscious, not to the edge, or to actual, death, but until his teammates have to pull him off of the mutilated pile of ground beef that used to be Officer So & So, of whoever's finest, before they broke the laws they were supposed to uphold, Oh, I am getting brain gasims just outlining it. We would have the dirty cop chosen by one egg being placed in the jar for every cop who is doing time for using their position to commit a crime, with one egg being black, and each dirty cop would pick an egg while blindfolded, until the black egg is chosen, who will be given a rats-ass of a chance in a fight against an athletic behemoth in padding. Honestly, I thinks this little addition could become more popular than the original game.


3) Wear Trump masks with cock and balls drawn onto both sides of the face, while standing for the national anthem - Let it be know, that your fight isn't with this nation and its people, but instead by an "Eat @#$% and Die" mentality of a certain segment of this country, towards other segments of this nation, that have been championed in a flamboyant way that hasn't been seen in at least half a century,  by Trump, so let us focus.  First of all, to the players, this in no way implies that you enjoy anonymously sucking cock, but instead that it is the President who enjoys that specific past-time, and if your pride still will not let you don this mask, for equality, then you were never that committed to begin with. To the fans, they're standing now! Are you happy? If not, you are being entirely unreasonable, the players are standing shoulder to shoulder with America, while quietly, hilariously, and spectacularly spoofing a symbol of what is cancerous in the American spirit. Lastly, to the owners, before you say it is never going happen, let me say, Merchandise, and when you try to counter, I will just keep shouting "Merchandise!", for Merica! While the original masks  will be hand made, and purchased by the players, the owners could put out versions with the teams color, with classic cock and balls illustrations, the R. Crumb is a favorite, while the Warhol is more gouche than the Gouche. Of course the cry of partisan Trump fans, to be "fair", will have to be met with a cock-and-balls Obama mask, and, I think, seeing Obama and Trump, drunkenly making out, with cock and balls pixelated out, on the kiss-cam, is the healing this nation needs. 


4) Releasing bees during the national Anthem - Alright, you are a patriotic, but how patriotic? If your patriotism is so great,  that players can't protest an important issue effecting their community during one of their few chances to publicly make a stand, you should be able to do it, covered in bees. It's time to put up, or shut up, is the singing of the national anthem a litmus test of ones patriotism or not? Because a lot of Americans have put up with a lot more than bees (and the smoke required to clear out the bees after the national anthem), so we can have the freedoms we enjoy today, and many of them were protesters. So, if this tabernacle of the tackle is too holy for a political protest, show it with bees, and the NFL will be marketing team themed bee kits for the patriotic home viewer. 



5) More Cheerleaders - Nuff said

1/31/2018

NASA tells you how to safely view tonight's "Ragnarok Moon"

What is a Ragnarok Moon?
With interest high,  and chances of a singularity slim, NASA is doing everything it can to help the populace view a rare and terrifying "Ragnarok Moon". Called a Ragnarok moon, as it could theoretically herald the Fimbulwinter, a multiyear winter of complete darkness, endless battles, that will be a prelude to the climactic fight between the elemental powers of the universe, which will end in utter destruction, but NASA says, due to the alignment of the planets, constellations, and the sparsity of Loki sighting, it is highly unlikely.

Is a Ragnarok Moon safe to view?
That said, NASA wants to make sure everyone understands that, like with viewing a Solar eclipse, to view it safely, requires several precautions. As the Ragnarok Moon represents an alignment of the planes encompassed by the world tree Yggdrasil, one can expect high tides due to increased activity of the Midgard serpent, so expect coastal flooding, as well as the death of cowards, and circumpolar wolf activity, as the children of Loki yearn for his return. While those born without souls, or who have so tarnished their souls with this world that they could never enter Valhalla, can view the moon without succumbing to its effects, all other humans should only view it as reflected by a mirror

What are the symptoms of having viewed the Ragnarok Moon?
NASA adds that one should never look directly at the Ragnarok Moon and madness and compulsively gathering the fingernails of the dead, are the least of your worries. Children who view the moon, will be marked for capture by their cultures/ Religions version of a Bag-man, and attempts to save the child will only add to the collateral, before the disobedient child is inevitably taken, if the parents are atheists, CPS will do the job, NASA has assured the public. Adults who directly view the moon, and don't immediately go insane, will be seemingly unchanged, until people from their community start to go missing, and after many false accusations, and executions, the home of a once respected and loved individual, will be revealed as a house of horrors. Lastly, it was believed that the elderly who viewed the Ragnarok moon would commit spontaneous Attestupa, but NASA believes that was a myth perpetrated by Nordic nations to commit senicide to help grease their social welfare system. The non-Scandinavian scientific community is split on whether the elderly can view the moon directly without issue, or if they are more likely to turn to cannibalism if they do.   

How to prepare for viewing the Ragnarok moon
First of all, all mirrors must use silver as the reflective surface, other materials, polymers and gold will still reflect the mind bending rays of the moon into your soul and mind, but in a strange and distorted way, which NASA asserts might be even worse than viewing it directly. On the other hand, using a silver backed reflective telescope, the viewer might see something like this:

This sketch by Johann Galle, depicts what he saw while viewing the Ragnarok Moon in the winter of 1860 at the Breslau Observatory 
It is also suggested that one brings burlap sacks to cover the faces of children, as it is better to have a sack on your head for a couple hours, then spend a perceived eternity in one, till being sold to a terrifying master, because you couldn't keep your eyes shut. NASA added, that if it thought people would listen they would suggest everyone spend the night watching netflix in the basement with loved ones till the danger has passed, but who would listen?

1/27/2018

G-d sad that faithful reject evolution

G-d, currently incarnated as a feral S.E. Asian dog, thought evolution was pretty cool 
The creator of all, who is eternal, thought a system by which small inherited variances, over time, give an organism an enhanced ability to compete, survive, and reproduce, and has the ability to dramatically alter their appearance and nature, much like the dog, which is his name spelled backwards, was a "pretty @#$%en cool idea". While the traditional 7-day cold start was a great way to get a bunch of shithole mud dwellers to shape up and get their act together, he couldn't wait for his creations to find out the wondrous, yet work-a-day genesis of life, that is evolution, G-d added:

Frankly, I could purge the holy@#$% out of this rock: asteroid, space plague, your own hubris, whatever, boom. As long as I got snakes, turtles, rats and roaches, I can have biodiversity wherever I want it within 25 million years, because of an incredibly smart system of self selection that I installed like gravity.

G-d would also like to remind us there is a spooky skeleton inside all of us, except invertebrates,sharks, and any number of unspeakable horrors

A clearly irate, impassioned, and all powerful G-d continued:

I have explored vertebra world, and rarely found it wanting as I shepherded it through its myriad morphological forms. That said, and this coming from the most advanced and only truly eternal being, bug world is, and will always be, an option. Invertebrates are still the vast majority of the planets  animate biomass, and have biologically, attained levels of complexity that vertebrates, socially, have attained only recently, evolutionarily speaking, which I thought would be the jive talk of the initiated, the B in plan B, stands for "bug"

The deity alcoholics the world round have come to know, concluded with:

I am thinking of a Myriapoda species, innately feudal, coarse, and fixated on feeding, reproducing, and attaining "Purity". They will never attain FTL capabilities, but will spread through grotesque generation ships, and if the species they come in contact are weak or primitive, they will consume and reproduce unchecked, turning feral in the absence of opposition. On the other hand, if they meet a superior species, they will go invasive, attaining civilization and culture as a means of destroying their enemies, only to send their elite out in generation ships to colonize new worlds, leaving the plebes to cannibalize each other. Is that what you want?

While it seems the creation of such a species is just the musings of a supreme being feeling vengeful over his adherents rejecting his super cool reality, for the training wheels version of the universe, he is still the being holding all the cards, so, respect.   

1/22/2018

Jason Momoa attacks on the rise!

9 out of 10 Jason Momoa victims never saw him coming
While the vast majority of Momoa attacks are on unsuspecting campers, tourists, and sex workers, as well as people Momoa mistakes for "The One". The other side of the coin are the deep psycho-sexual stalking murders he commits, based on random encounters that he hyper-focuses on. While this savage and barbarous monster of a human has become famous and beloved playing barbarous ultra humans, he has also helped keep the deer population in check in any area he is filming in, says Momoa Tracking and Research Association. MTRA Researcher Dr. Todd Crunkle stated "While stalking someone he is either romantically interested in, suspects is a long lost family member, or a mentor who has killed his true and/or most recent  love of his life. He will in the process, feed on hundreds of pounds mammals, fish, fowl, and grubs, every day" Before clarifying that what he does is not stalking, but instead science, because he is writing it down and submitting it to peer review.
Most studios cannot afford the insurance required to work with Momoa, those that do are required to recapture him using drones and convict trackers


What these Momoaphiles fail to recognize, is that the actor, when he fails to conclude his business quickly, and consume enough protein through predation on native wildlife to quiet the forests, he often wanders into inhabited areas, or stumbles upon campers and hunters, occasionally befriend them, but more often he is mistaken for a bear attack. This misconception has been reinforced by the fact that Momoa, after sustaining heavy damage from his enemies, wounds that would kill a lesser man, he is nursed back to health by a roving pack of wolves, who he will stay with till he can return the favor, or a grizzly mamma he had saved many moons before.
"Oh, dear G-d! Oh, @#$%!  A tourist wandered onto the set! Get the tranquilizers! GET THE TRANQUILIZERS![Screaming, brutal snarling, rending, and then eerie silence]"


While the Momoasphere is still out on if these are truly unprovoked attacks brought on by rage and hunger, or if he has unknown preternatural senses, which allows him the ability to react to threats biological "Minority Report"style, making him a mystical vigilante. Either assumption, in this reporters opinion, is Momoaphobic, Jason has proven his ability to show great empathy and honor, like when he honored his Khaleesi's from the front at her request, instead of raping the hell out of her for her impudence, one of the many on screen twists R.R. Martin insisted on, but which Momoa refused to abide. It should also be noted that Jason Momoa makes a personal appearance in many of my dreams, sometimes as a guide, sometimes a friends, but always caked in blood. Lastly, if you were Jason Momoa, you would probably murder a lot of people in a mindless rage too.

1/18/2018

"Carry on my Wayward Son" Useless says CIA Interrogators

Whether it is Negan breaking Daryl, and Eugene is tapping his toes to later with Easy Street by the Collapsible Hearts Club, or Dominique driving the sane mad, and calming the insane in American Horror Story: Asylum, music which so often provides solace and strength becomes a grating hell, which destroys soul and self. Of course there  are the CIA's documented use of songs from Sesame Street and Barney and Friends,  Down to my own personal "pet" project set to The Muppet's "Life's a Happy Song",  played loud enough to blot out the screams, I don't want to spoil the surprise, but let's just say it's going to be something.

"Stuck in the Middle With You" Is more of a torture song than an interrogation one


Yet, Deputy Director of the National Clandestine Services Greg Vogel, probably an alias for a much cooler name like Max Rostrum or Hugh Debonair, has reported that, despite exhaustive clandestine studies, and practical experience, it has been proven the Kansas's Opus and Guitar Hero favorite "Carry Onward my Wayward Son" can not break the human spirit under any circumstances. In fact, the song can only strengthen ones will to resist, and prisoners have been witnessed air-guitaring with their hands under restraints, while being electrocuted and/or waterboarded, along with the song.


Deputy Director Vogel went onto explain that " Whether it is the uplifting instrumentals, the story of a misunderstood character on a divine, heaven bound quest resonating with prisoners, or their joyous synergy, the song just inspires endlessly, regardless of the method of transmission, or number of repetitions", while also clarifying that I can't just refer to him as Klaus Von Titan.


Klaus continued by saying " We had previously thought the Foreigners "Juke Box Hero" and The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes" had similar properties, until we pumped subjects full of 400 ug's of LSD, and sent them through a maze of mirrors lit with disco lights, and a tandem fog/bubble generator running full blast, especially if we have childhood home videos to project through the mist."  Noting that experiments, and free-form interrogations carried out by psychopathic agents, soldiers, mercenaries, and thugs on the run, who managed to get a few minutes alone with a subject, are ongoing.








1/10/2018

5 Unpopular opinions for the Trump era

Welcome to future savages!


1) Too Many Babies- These days, everyone's got one, older and younger parents then ever before, but each and everyone of those monkey larvae is pissing and shitting their pants, puking everywhere, and screaming when they shouldn't, and there is no reason they shouldn't spend this awkward period in an alpine facilities far away from normal humans. Ever since people have tried subjecting themselves and others to to the socialist experiment, and socialist child-rearing has been attempted, and monumentally successful, at raising resentful children who will swear never to subject their children to the same, but now we got robots.  Our automated facilities will provide universal care in the darkest, most sterile, care facility of its kind not meant to store and slaughter livestock, though we are not saying that Temple Grandin wasn't involved.  From birth till their 18 month birthday they will be brought up in a grossly utilitarian fashion that will be mandatory, to avoid "privilege".


2) Why are there so many congressmen? - I am not saying we kill them all, unless their is support for that (PM me), or even do away with representative democracy, entirely, but think how much we could save if we culled it down to a bakers dozen of Senators, and one Congressmen, whoever survives the battle royal, but we still elect 400+ representatives every 2-years, to make the corn grow, and each Senator, or his supporters, must directly finance one elite  legion of super patriots for our ever expanding "frontier", and two bottles of Jamaican rum for every citizen.

It's all glue to me

3) Horse glue is the best - Horses are strong beautiful creatures, with obvious intelligence and expressive eyes, and when I join two pieces of paper, I like to A) Be entirely nude, with an audience, and B) Know that a highly evolved, social animal, was pulverized to make it, as I clumsily spill it all over myself, I do get so sticky. All deviance aside, it is just better.


4) Proportional responses are for the weak - There, I said it, and anyone and everyone who disagrees is also weak, and their opinions rendered worthless because of that weakness. Be forewarned, if you try to use logic I will headbutt you, you bring a knife to a fight, I bar the exits and set the building on fire, you make a joke about my mom, I cut out your tongue, fill your mouth with my @#$% and staple it closed, get the idea?! I don't do this because I want to, but if I don't it will be done to me, we are in a survival universe, and whether it is cruel or comforting depends what end of the fork you are on, an endless game of dominance I will not lose. So next time you tell me to calm  down, instead of expecting a response, calmly back out of the room while maintaining eye contact, because, otherwise, the scenario ends in a hospital, a prison, or both.
  
5) I'm not angry, you're angry 

1/01/2018

Top 5, 3 most underappreciated, and 2 dangling Whiskey Republic Posts of 2017



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Top 5 posts of 2017 (By page views)
1) Happy Albanian Independence day! - Hey, how do you invite someone into the family, who is also a proud Albanian, write an article based on a quick reading of Wikipedia on the subject Albania, for Albanian Independence day.


2) Fozzie Bear "allegedly" sexually assaulted over 30 - It wouldn't be 2017 without a #metoo story, and Gonzo's basement is far too depressing for this publication, so of course everyone's favorite Patsy took the hit for the team (They all have skeletons in their closets... which become animated, joke, and sing when the door is opened).


3) Trump isn't Hitler he is King George the III - In the wake of Trumps surprise victory using a core of a hillbilly supporters and a new form of media, and he has been pretty despised from the get go, so everyone threw out all the other crayon colors of despotism and tyranny and went straight to "Super Dark Goth German Hitler Blackish Grey like Hell", and didn't even care to color within the lines. While Trump is super despicable, both as a human, and as first citizen, he is a ignorant, spineless weakling who is all bluster and petty nationalism, and not to ride the fuehrers cock but the man was a veteran who was jailed for his political beliefs, with a well thought out  (though evil) program for Germany, and whose nationalism was anything but petty (I repeat, anything). Trump is like the original American boogeyman, King George the III, in almost every way. He is so wealthy that he can not relate to the problems of everyday Americans, but not so rich as to be able to act independently and/or in a visionary way. He promotes a nationalism gerrymandered for his base, that will inevitably lead to conflict with everyone else. He has a habit of speaking and acting in a deranged manner and only seems good at procreating and stamping his name on things (Same thing, amiright?).


4) Rabbi X Ride's again! - It was fun to catch up with an old character back from the days when The Senator and The Cardinal shared an apartment in Washington Heights.


5) Trump Secretly Consumes Pardoned Turkeys - Hey, what won't that man do!? In season 1 of  "The Adventures of President Drunk-Uncle" Trump has insulted everyone and anything that doesn't agree with him, and regularly blundered into unpresidential territory, and, oh no, he has discovered a new presidential fetish.



3 Most Underappreciated - There are no bad Whiskey Republic posts, some are not meant for all viewers, others are acts of personal catharsis, while others are amazing, funny, and all they lacked was an audience willing to give them a honest chance. Here are the 3 wallflowers at the prom I stand by, and not in a creepy Roy Moore way. Also, looking at them now, long headlines might have been an issue.

1) Putin hopes to influence the USA through the use of "American Spring Break" - I do have to admit, reading the picture quotes in a comically Russian Putin voice is part of what endeared this to me, but Russia trying to quietly subvert our democracy using banal American institutions is still a timely and important issue.

2) Nation Rallies behind "Spider Moms", many picked off and cocooned in their silk- Hey, ever hear of "Baltimommies"? No? Than you are lucky, mom fads are just the worst because the whole family suffers, and NO! I'm not bitter.

3) In a rare, candid moment, Bill Clinton admits Donald Trump is his fault - Basically Bill being Bill explaining that his characteristically flaunting the moral conventions of the presidency paved the way for President Trump, while receiving fellatio from a Chinese agent.



2 Danglers - Some of last years favorites just wouldn't give up the ghost in 2017, here are the two posts from last year which more than doubled their viewership in 2017.

1) The true meaning of Hanukkah - The true meaning Hanukkah is religious purity and warfare. Period.
2) Hillary Clinton suffering from chronic implosive diarrhea - Something about describing Hillary Clinton completely saturated with her own shit really connected with readers.