President Obama poison's the White House well and releases his vault of unspeakable evils

Thanks Obama!
The President, only now realizing that the power of the President is finite and temporary, has, instead of gracefully handing over power, decided to take a whirlwind shit on everybody and everything that hasn't given him exactly what he wants. From condemning Israel for settlements, without any sort of peace initiative, and arming Syrian Rebels with advance weaponry, without forwarding any plan to unseat Assad, so pretty much just screwing with people who are solving their own problems in a way that Obama doesn't like. So no one was really surprised when Superintendant of the White House grounds Dale Haney found Obama dressed in a black and white antiquated prisoners uniform, pouring an unknown, but bubbling and smoking brew in a vile with a skull on it, which becomes animate when viewed up close, into the White House well.

White House well before Obama's treachery
After Obama's treachery
The White House well, dug by President John Adams between losing the 1800 election to his then Arch-Nemesis Thomas Jefferson (previously and eventually, best friends) and having to relinquish office on January 20th, the process allowing him to washing away the negativity and hate of the office before returning to private life. This well is, to put it bluntly, magical. The waters, calming and medicinal, are to be frank and honest, the only potable drinking water in the city till Buzzard Point, the Anacostia and Potomac poisoning anything they touch with greed and corruption after some settler brothers murdered a Nacotchtonk priestess attempting to bless the waters, with the reasoning for the attack lost in their Scots-Irish hillbilly babble, but the waters have since been cursed, except for the well dug by John Adams at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, as it was purified by the honest tears of a defeated patriot, and since then has calmed the nerves of 43 Presidents, and helped them avoid the debilitating diseases that are caused by drinking DC ground or river water.

Diamond Joe and John Kerry, locked the petulant, unhinged and brooding President in the Oval Office while they tried to figure out how they would spin this, perhaps to say the Well was working for the Russians, when the President used his Indonesian nerve pinch to disable the SS guards and steal away to the White House under-croft, with only a distorted cackle echoing through the halls for Biden and Kerry to chase after... 
Originally built by Abraham Lincoln to hold the abominations he was sure to find in Southern attics, it was later renovated, twice, by President Grover Cleveland to warehouse his rape victims 

Obama, having been inducted into the Gardnerian tradition while in HS in Hawaii, by way of Ann Dunham's 1970's love interest Doreen Valiente, having already mastered Korowai spirit magic as a youth, President Obama has always had a keen interest in the Occult. This interest turned into an obsession when the young Senator from Illinois was able to gain entrance to the "Secret" Library of Congress, which is revealed by a revolving bookcase in the actual Library of Congress if you try to remove " Morality and Law in Government" from the bookshelf.

His research centered on his own distant relative, Wild Bill Hickok, and that is how he found the "Hickok Psalter", a book of Poetic verses and illustration written by James B. Hickok about his time in the Wild West capturing and delivering monsters of the west to to the Federal government's repository on Gibson Island, which, after 1929, when the wall-street crash halted private development of the new facility meant to house non-corporeal enemies of the United States, it's inhabitants were moved to the White House Under-croft by President Hoover. The under-croft had been used as a Dungeon for the President's personal prisoners since Andrew Jackson, but was transformed into an Asylum for the nations National Curiosities by President Lincoln, who assumed correctly, that the South was rife with monsters, deformed mutants, and cursed byproducts of the Occult, and was combined with the Gibson Island collection by FDR, and the menagerie has been expanded by every President after.

Obama, with an ornate Victorian master key, ran down the clanking metal hallways yelling " Change! Hope! It's a New Day!" with wild bloodshot eyes and a sardonic grin, unlocking hatches and cages as the bemused, befuddled or just belligerent monsters filed out of the under-croft, and as the head of the Cherokee cyclopes Uyotsvhi disappeared over the horizon, Obama smiled knowing he had wreaked his  vengeance on a nation that hadn't done exactly what he wanted.

Voooottee Deeemooocraaat!


Christmas's war on Life Day

Because if they have to hear another Human Liberal tell them the true meaning of Life Day, they will rip their hairless arm clear out of its socket 

In 1978 a one George Lucas made a documentary about the most important holiday on Kashyyyk, Life Day, airing it on Nov 17th to show the similarities between America, with its Thanksgiving Harvest festival, and the long oppressed Wookies own harvest Festival "Life Day". Christians, always excited to co-opt another people's successful customs, had, by the period of the Galactic Civil war, moved the Holiday to December 25th outside of Kashyyyk, probably because Han Solo was always talking about Jesus ( and why Han looks down on the force), and instead of being a triennial event as it had been practiced up to 1,500,000 years before the Battle of Yavin, it has been turned into an annual event. While the Sith outright banned the holiday with GR-1NC4, and even Emperor Palpatine famously thumbed his nose at Star Christians, by yelling "Bah, Humbug!", clearly using the force to travel through time and space to have knowledge of "A Christmas Carol". The Republic was far more insidious adding elements to the holiday that would never have existed on a planet that had year round temperate climate, global Jungles, and the simple red robes that are the only cloths worn by the wookies, and only for one day, and only because Lucas was wildly overbudget and couldn't afford full wookie costumes for all the historical reenactors, for example:

If you aren't wearing this, you aren't celebrating Life Day!

What does "Nutcracker Armor" have to do with 7 foot tall hairy arboreal bipeds celebrating the harvest, life, the ones they lost, and the eating of Orga root?

While the Wookies gather, every three years, the Alliance to Restore the Republic, who are outwardly force worshipers, but clearly crypto-christian's who have adapted the local mystical traditions and customs to spread the word of the Gospels, making it an annual celebration, dressing up Wroshyr trees as magdalelenian whores, instead of chewing Orga root till your mind becomes one with the Tree of Life, and instead of singing "A Day to Celebrate" set to the sacred theme, They actually sing songs about Santa Clause and Wasseling, which is really no surprise, as the Star Pope Obi Wan Kenobi's final words where "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine", now, who does that sound like? Maybe, a little like Jesus.


The true meaning of Hanukkah

How do an outnumbered band guerrilla's take down a Macedonian Phalanx, the premier fighting force of its time, perhaps boiling oil? Or as the Maccabees called it "Making Latkes"
As a certain universalist religion celebrates the birth of another hungry mouth to feed, in the Ghetto, with gross commercialism,  a voyeuristic, judgmental, home invader bending time and space to make your kids behave with his elf henchmen from his secret arctic hideout, and binge drinking. But, there is another December holiday, one that doesn't end in a 30 year old virgin being tortured to death and then having that torture device be "His" symbol, and on that point, what then hell is wrong with you!? A fish is a far less threatening image, hell, a lip-less gnashing monster would be a less terrifying symbol, back on track, this Holiday commemorates events that happened in a storied land, to two storied people, that is the exact opposite of Christmas.

Did you know there were many "Antiochus", the one from the Hanukkah story was number IV, this is the most recent model
The Jews, that's right, the folk from the Bible, the real one, not the fan fiction "50 Shades of Monotheism" craptacular Arab and Latin versions, had been living under foreign occupation for over 400 years and making a pretty good go of it until in 168 BCE, Antiochus IV tried to invade  Egypt, but he and his path to victory were blocked by a one Gaius Popillius Laenas, a Roman badass, Ambassador, and with a tablet from the Senate telling Antiochus to turn his ass around, to which Antiochus replied he would discuss it in council, to which the badass in question responded by drawing a circle around Antiochus and letting him know that if he left said circle without agreeing to these demands, he would be at war with Rome. The pussy that he was, he turned his ass around, and severely butt-hurt he decided everything that was Greek was good, and all that was not, especially those shitty Latins, were not, which leaves our Jewish friends under the occupation of Antiochus,  in a pickle.

Stick with me, this is important

So, for the last 150 years the Greeks have occupied most of the known world, you know, the world that counts [wink], and doing Greek shit, worshiping Greek gods, doing Greek sports etc. almost all required one to pull out their dangle, which would in turn open doors for this individual who has shown a proper wang and show them a whole new world of possibilities...primarily cultural and economic, but in the Greek world that would invariably become sexual, so it all comes back to a properly dressed shaft. Well, the Jews have this thing, their oldest tradition is to trim the awning and keep ones masculinity tidy, so, to do as the Greeks do, make money, get an education etc. the Jew would have to give up their most cherished tradition. So you had the Greek occupation and their "Downstairs mess" kapos  on the one side, and traditional Jews on the other, both living separate lives with separate institutions, until a butt hurt Antiochus comes back from the war that didn't happen and decided to be a dick about things.
I'm so sorry, how rude of me, did anyone else want to try and sacrifice pig to Zeus on this alter? Anyone? 
Bit of advice, don't mess with a guy named Matthias, who likes to quote scripture and whose family is affectionately known as "The Hammer", and certainly don't try to sacrifice a swine to Zeus on an alter of a foreign G-d in front of him, you're gonna have a bad time...and that is just what the Greeks did. From 167 BCE to 160BCE Matthias and his sons waged a brilliant Guerrilla war which forced the Seleucid from the Jewish Heartland in the Hills of Judea and Samaria, that would take 3 of Matthias's 5 sons, Eleazer Avaran who died thrusting his spear into the belly of a war elephant, and Judas Maccabee died facing down 22,000 heavily armed Greeks with his band of 800 men rather then live and see them retake Jerusalem, his death inspiring a general revolt led by the two surviving brothers Jonathan and Simon, which liberated the land, expelled the Hellenized collaborators and allowed freedom worship. Sure they rejected the prevalent world culture of their time, they were bigoted against the pagan pantheons of other nations, and sure they would go on to do most of the same things the Greeks had done, so what if they were dicks!? They were Jewish dicks, and that is the lesson of Hanukkah, even a flawed Jew, i.e. Netanyahu, will do more for his or her people than all the refined Gentiles (i.e Obama) in the world. Happy Holidays! and remembered which one was more badass.