12/30/2016

12/29/2016

President Obama poison's the White House well and releases his vault of unspeakable evils

Thanks Obama!
The President, only now realizing that the power of the President is finite and temporary, has, instead of gracefully handing over power, decided to take a whirlwind shit on everybody and everything that hasn't given him exactly what he wants. From condemning Israel for settlements, without any sort of peace initiative, and arming Syrian Rebels with advance weaponry, without forwarding any plan to unseat Assad, so pretty much just screwing with people who are solving their own problems in a way that Obama doesn't like. So no one was really surprised when Superintendant of the White House grounds Dale Haney found Obama dressed in a black and white antiquated prisoners uniform, pouring an unknown, but bubbling and smoking brew in a vile with a skull on it, which becomes animate when viewed up close, into the White House well.

White House well before Obama's treachery
After Obama's treachery
The White House well, dug by President John Adams between losing the 1800 election to his then Arch-Nemesis Thomas Jefferson (previously and eventually, best friends) and having to relinquish office on January 20th, the process allowing him to washing away the negativity and hate of the office before returning to private life. This well is, to put it bluntly, magical. The waters, calming and medicinal, are to be frank and honest, the only potable drinking water in the city till Buzzard Point, the Anacostia and Potomac poisoning anything they touch with greed and corruption after some settler brothers murdered a Nacotchtonk priestess attempting to bless the waters, with the reasoning for the attack lost in their Scots-Irish hillbilly babble, but the waters have since been cursed, except for the well dug by John Adams at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, as it was purified by the honest tears of a defeated patriot, and since then has calmed the nerves of 43 Presidents, and helped them avoid the debilitating diseases that are caused by drinking DC ground or river water.

Diamond Joe and John Kerry, locked the petulant, unhinged and brooding President in the Oval Office while they tried to figure out how they would spin this, perhaps to say the Well was working for the Russians, when the President used his Indonesian nerve pinch to disable the SS guards and steal away to the White House under-croft, with only a distorted cackle echoing through the halls for Biden and Kerry to chase after... 
Originally built by Abraham Lincoln to hold the abominations he was sure to find in Southern attics, it was later renovated, twice, by President Grover Cleveland to warehouse his rape victims 

Obama, having been inducted into the Gardnerian tradition while in HS in Hawaii, by way of Ann Dunham's 1970's love interest Doreen Valiente, having already mastered Korowai spirit magic as a youth, President Obama has always had a keen interest in the Occult. This interest turned into an obsession when the young Senator from Illinois was able to gain entrance to the "Secret" Library of Congress, which is revealed by a revolving bookcase in the actual Library of Congress if you try to remove " Morality and Law in Government" from the bookshelf.

His research centered on his own distant relative, Wild Bill Hickok, and that is how he found the "Hickok Psalter", a book of Poetic verses and illustration written by James B. Hickok about his time in the Wild West capturing and delivering monsters of the west to to the Federal government's repository on Gibson Island, which, after 1929, when the wall-street crash halted private development of the new facility meant to house non-corporeal enemies of the United States, it's inhabitants were moved to the White House Under-croft by President Hoover. The under-croft had been used as a Dungeon for the President's personal prisoners since Andrew Jackson, but was transformed into an Asylum for the nations National Curiosities by President Lincoln, who assumed correctly, that the South was rife with monsters, deformed mutants, and cursed byproducts of the Occult, and was combined with the Gibson Island collection by FDR, and the menagerie has been expanded by every President after.

Obama, with an ornate Victorian master key, ran down the clanking metal hallways yelling " Change! Hope! It's a New Day!" with wild bloodshot eyes and a sardonic grin, unlocking hatches and cages as the bemused, befuddled or just belligerent monsters filed out of the under-croft, and as the head of the Cherokee cyclopes Uyotsvhi disappeared over the horizon, Obama smiled knowing he had wreaked his  vengeance on a nation that hadn't done exactly what he wanted.

Voooottee Deeemooocraaat!

12/26/2016

Christmas's war on Life Day

Because if they have to hear another Human Liberal tell them the true meaning of Life Day, they will rip their hairless arm clear out of its socket 


In 1978 a one George Lucas made a documentary about the most important holiday on Kashyyyk, Life Day, airing it on Nov 17th to show the similarities between America, with its Thanksgiving Harvest festival, and the long oppressed Wookies own harvest Festival "Life Day". Christians, always excited to co-opt another people's successful customs, had, by the period of the Galactic Civil war, moved the Holiday to December 25th outside of Kashyyyk, probably because Han Solo was always talking about Jesus ( and why Han looks down on the force), and instead of being a triennial event as it had been practiced up to 1,500,000 years before the Battle of Yavin, it has been turned into an annual event. While the Sith outright banned the holiday with GR-1NC4, and even Emperor Palpatine famously thumbed his nose at Star Christians, by yelling "Bah, Humbug!", clearly using the force to travel through time and space to have knowledge of "A Christmas Carol". The Republic was far more insidious adding elements to the holiday that would never have existed on a planet that had year round temperate climate, global Jungles, and the simple red robes that are the only cloths worn by the wookies, and only for one day, and only because Lucas was wildly overbudget and couldn't afford full wookie costumes for all the historical reenactors, for example:


If you aren't wearing this, you aren't celebrating Life Day!


What does "Nutcracker Armor" have to do with 7 foot tall hairy arboreal bipeds celebrating the harvest, life, the ones they lost, and the eating of Orga root?


While the Wookies gather, every three years, the Alliance to Restore the Republic, who are outwardly force worshipers, but clearly crypto-christian's who have adapted the local mystical traditions and customs to spread the word of the Gospels, making it an annual celebration, dressing up Wroshyr trees as magdalelenian whores, instead of chewing Orga root till your mind becomes one with the Tree of Life, and instead of singing "A Day to Celebrate" set to the sacred theme, They actually sing songs about Santa Clause and Wasseling, which is really no surprise, as the Star Pope Obi Wan Kenobi's final words where "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine", now, who does that sound like? Maybe, a little like Jesus.

12/25/2016

The true meaning of Hanukkah

How do an outnumbered band guerrilla's take down a Macedonian Phalanx, the premier fighting force of its time, perhaps boiling oil? Or as the Maccabees called it "Making Latkes"
As a certain universalist religion celebrates the birth of another hungry mouth to feed, in the Ghetto, with gross commercialism,  a voyeuristic, judgmental, home invader bending time and space to make your kids behave with his elf henchmen from his secret arctic hideout, and binge drinking. But, there is another December holiday, one that doesn't end in a 30 year old virgin being tortured to death and then having that torture device be "His" symbol, and on that point, what then hell is wrong with you!? A fish is a far less threatening image, hell, a lip-less gnashing monster would be a less terrifying symbol, back on track, this Holiday commemorates events that happened in a storied land, to two storied people, that is the exact opposite of Christmas.

Did you know there were many "Antiochus", the one from the Hanukkah story was number IV, this is the most recent model
The Jews, that's right, the folk from the Bible, the real one, not the fan fiction "50 Shades of Monotheism" craptacular Arab and Latin versions, had been living under foreign occupation for over 400 years and making a pretty good go of it until in 168 BCE, Antiochus IV tried to invade  Egypt, but he and his path to victory were blocked by a one Gaius Popillius Laenas, a Roman badass, Ambassador, and with a tablet from the Senate telling Antiochus to turn his ass around, to which Antiochus replied he would discuss it in council, to which the badass in question responded by drawing a circle around Antiochus and letting him know that if he left said circle without agreeing to these demands, he would be at war with Rome. The pussy that he was, he turned his ass around, and severely butt-hurt he decided everything that was Greek was good, and all that was not, especially those shitty Latins, were not, which leaves our Jewish friends under the occupation of Antiochus,  in a pickle.

Stick with me, this is important


So, for the last 150 years the Greeks have occupied most of the known world, you know, the world that counts [wink], and doing Greek shit, worshiping Greek gods, doing Greek sports etc. almost all required one to pull out their dangle, which would in turn open doors for this individual who has shown a proper wang and show them a whole new world of possibilities...primarily cultural and economic, but in the Greek world that would invariably become sexual, so it all comes back to a properly dressed shaft. Well, the Jews have this thing, their oldest tradition is to trim the awning and keep ones masculinity tidy, so, to do as the Greeks do, make money, get an education etc. the Jew would have to give up their most cherished tradition. So you had the Greek occupation and their "Downstairs mess" kapos  on the one side, and traditional Jews on the other, both living separate lives with separate institutions, until a butt hurt Antiochus comes back from the war that didn't happen and decided to be a dick about things.
I'm so sorry, how rude of me, did anyone else want to try and sacrifice pig to Zeus on this alter? Anyone? 
Bit of advice, don't mess with a guy named Matthias, who likes to quote scripture and whose family is affectionately known as "The Hammer", and certainly don't try to sacrifice a swine to Zeus on an alter of a foreign G-d in front of him, you're gonna have a bad time...and that is just what the Greeks did. From 167 BCE to 160BCE Matthias and his sons waged a brilliant Guerrilla war which forced the Seleucid from the Jewish Heartland in the Hills of Judea and Samaria, that would take 3 of Matthias's 5 sons, Eleazer Avaran who died thrusting his spear into the belly of a war elephant, and Judas Maccabee died facing down 22,000 heavily armed Greeks with his band of 800 men rather then live and see them retake Jerusalem, his death inspiring a general revolt led by the two surviving brothers Jonathan and Simon, which liberated the land, expelled the Hellenized collaborators and allowed freedom worship. Sure they rejected the prevalent world culture of their time, they were bigoted against the pagan pantheons of other nations, and sure they would go on to do most of the same things the Greeks had done, so what if they were dicks!? They were Jewish dicks, and that is the lesson of Hanukkah, even a flawed Jew, i.e. Netanyahu, will do more for his or her people than all the refined Gentiles (i.e Obama) in the world. Happy Holidays! and remembered which one was more badass.

11/12/2016

Trump back peddling accidentally causes a rip in both Time and Space

As Trump, and a radius around Trump, appears when he is backpedaling at, or near, the speed of political light


Finally recognizing that his slimy, shady, sleazy jamboree turned out to be very popular (the 3 S's for Drumpf success), and had landed him in the white house, a location that he has said, through media, rallies, and drunken bar rants, that should he find himself IN the White House, AS President, he we do many outlandish, fantastical, and often monstrous things on behalf of the United States of America. The President elect also realized that he didn't want to be murdered by unrelenting waves terrorists, and their swelling ranks of allies, so he has wavered on the Muslim ban, and questioned moving the American Embassy in Israel, to Jerusalem, just days after being elected to office based on a wacky platform of unfeasible ideas, such as those. This backpedaling done, over 3 months before he will even hold public office, for the very first time,  reach the political equivalent of 88 miles per hour, and busted a seam in both time and space.



Due to the Laws of Relativity, it was theorized, and now proven, that if a bad enough opponent could be found, a really heinous POS, Trump could be elected President, but if he were to immediately backpedal, it could create a POS paradox

While he first experienced his most recent back peddling as a fully immersive POV POS experience, it began to spaghettified in the quantum foam, and he transformed into an orange beam of light ten times a billionth the diameter of a hydrogen atoms nucleus into quantum multi-verse, each increasingly different, depending if and when people back peddled, sensing ego death his minds last conscious thought was how much he wished that he could tenderly and lovingly hold Boris Johnson one last time...while he raped him.

21st Century normal?
Sensing the Universe had grabbed him by the pussy, the now egoless, and thus vulnerable Trump(s) was/were being sucked through the time space fissure he had created, like a shirtless Mexican on a hillbilly waterside from hell, which is also the name of his signature drink at his Dubai speakeasy and resort. He saw the multiplicity of existence, realities fanciful, abhorrent, familiar and alien, a never ending ouroboros of possibilities that people either forced into existence, or backed down from with weak explanations, emanating from Trump back to a puddle of primordial ooze in a lifeless earth Primeval, which he felt a kinship towards like he had felt with no other living creature, before it was zapped by lightening and either became life, or back peddled into a biochemical soup, before the time daemons returned him to his gold plated terrarium in the Kremlin.
What if we lived in a universe where our Commander - in - Chief - elect hadn't done this? Hmm?

11/06/2016

Obama to colonize Mars

Here's looking at you kid!
Many have speculated what one of the youngest and most alive US  presidents, who is set to finish his second and final(?) term in a few short months,will do with the probably lengthy remainder of their life. Well, the President has made his intentions clear. President Obama, his NASA certified wife, and two, then, cryogenically frozen daughters, along with 500 astronauts, scientists,soldiers, engineers, "breeders", and one corporate shill trying to make money off of Xenomorphs, all of whom have already elected Obama as their King, and ipso facto, the King of Mars, will blast off! Capable of levying Martian taxes, and signing treaties with the Lobster Men of Olympus Mon, and or any space Nazis or Communists they might discover, as well as evolved space ape colonies, The Obama will decide, but with this great power the responsibility for protecting his subjects from any and all form of monstrosity, will falls upon his gawky shoulders, no matter how much he wants to sign a lopsided treaty with them.



As the Obama grows old, he will bond the two rival factions with his cryogenically preserved daughters, who have been taught "The Legacy"




From Obama city, built from the collapsed lava tubes of Arsia Mons, Obama will seek to live the simple life, farming algae,  harvesting water from glaciers, creating fertilizer from human excrement, and forgetting all those earth problems he probably had a hand in creating. Putin, Trump, Clinton, the fate of the ACA, "Fast an the Furious" etc. etc. Those are earth problems for earth people, or as The Obama will pejoratively refer to them, " a bunch of  Goldilocks", who need to "quit their whining". He also occasionally makes brief cryptic transmissions whose purpose is unknown, but some believe he is trying to egg on Iran and Russia, and play into their paranoia, thus precipitating a world war, which would make Obama's Mars colony the torch barer of human civilization. If this comes to pass, it is believed he will then grow a second head, as he feels the only one worth talking to/listening to, is himself and run for the Presidency of the Galaxy. 

11/01/2016

"Comey is a Commie!"


Breaking News- According to the DNC and HRC Campaign, based on FBI director Comey covering his ass in a politically charged situation, he is a left of Lenin, kill you in the snow, communist, the head of a communist conspiracy in America, a homosexual (not that there is anything wrong with that, unless it is with Putin) confidant of Putin and his man harem, and a collaborator with the Slavic menace that threatens American civilization, apple pie and mothers.
Here a cartoon depiction of Hillary Clinton being saved from Comey by Huma Abedin in drag


"While my enemies continue to waste America's time discussing why I destroyed nearly 50% of my email correspondence when people asked to look at them, which were supposed to be archived by NARA to allow the government, NGO's, journalists and historian to piece together the thoughts and ideas of the people steering this great nation, since anything that might embarrass me is obviously personal, and anyone who says differently,or tries to bring this up again, will be arrested and or dead within the hour, and is probably a communist, Putin collaborator, and a rapist to boot"

Hillary Rodham Clinton said at a town hall gathering in Hannibal Indiana, adding that Comey had been suspected of treason by the Clinton's for, literally, hours, and they couldn't rule out that he might also be a child murderer and worship foreign gods your fore fathers did not know.


Despite Communist's antipathy to religion, according to one democratic operative Comey is a polytheist, who primarily worships the Slavic god of war and the heavens, Perun


Besides the firm and unshakable belief that all of America's woes are some how connected to Putin's Russia, including a FBI director who had clearly gone rogue, which is Clinton's term for people who are fair, impartial, and refuse to play her games, is the fact that they have been unwilling to tie recent DNC hacks on a secret Trump-Russian alliance, which Clinton is clearly not paranoid for thinking exists on the most tangential of proof, in fact, far less proof than the fact that her husband is a rapist and she enabled his monstrous behavior.

10/27/2016

Watch Mario Batali take a @#$% on your values

Auto-erotic asphyxiation with charcuterie is just one of the many ways the deviant chef can reach sexual climax
While the 56 year old chef, author, restaurateur and goblin king, with his signature fleece vest, orange crocks, shorts, taking a modern twist on classical Italian dishes and giant purple chindo he wears to children's parties, he has also been quietly been making a name for himself as a deviant Satan worshiper whose "predatory attitudes make him a danger and an affront to society, but, oh, what that man can do with a duck, after he's done @#$%ing it to death of course" said a clearly conflicted Chef Marco White.
Here the Gladware shill and heroin addict can be seen drunkenly raising the spirits of the dead to the horror of a captive audience, who were then locked in and burned as a sacrifice
In addition to his many crimes against decency, both common and basic, he seeks to steal from his employees, and rapes their wives when he knows they are away at work.

10/16/2016

Hurricane Matthews may have released Floridians into the wild

If you cut an adult Floridian in half, they will grow into two compete Floridians
U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has cautioned Americans that Floridians, once isolated in America's most phallic state, might have been released into the wild and have already begun breeding outside of their natural range, or as one especially tenacious couple did, throughout the hurricane, eventually washing up in Galveston, where the female promptly spewed forth a full litter of 6-8 hydrapods, that, with the help of the moon, the tide, and government welfare, will grow into 350 pound specimens capable of eating their weight in shrimp at a single buffet, and capable of believing they can wrestle a fully grown crocodile. After Burmese pythons and lion fish were released into North American Eco systems after hurricane Andrew, ecologists warn that a full blown Floridian infestation in the Midwest, New England, or frankly, anywhere outside of the deep south, would come into conflict with local populations, with the aggressive and barely clad Floridians pushing out their more appropriate competition, and could supplant the local population in as few as 50 years, that is, unless they fail to adapt to cold winters, continuing to wear bathing suits and halter tops no matter the weather, in which case they will freeze to death, and that will be that.

10/14/2016

Clinton Team: "We prepared for a lot worse"

After it became clear that Hillary Clinton would run for the office of President, and planned to use Bill Clinton as a crude maul to bash her way to inauguration, they had to open the biggest can of 90's worms in the pantry . To recap, from the 80's through the 90's Bill Clinton used his position as governor and then president to pressure women, most of whom he had direct power over, to preform sexual favors for him, and then used his wife and the Democratic party to justify these actions as harmless fun, and demonize the opposition for cock blocking the president. That is what we know.

Here the former President can be seen asking pop sensation Beyonce to "Touch it"
"Frankly, compared to what these women claimed, the President did a lot worse! He's not like JFK going after the pretty ones, or the famous ones, he just likes the ones he has power over, the man loves his [historical] slave-master role-playing" Said an anonymous 300Lbs African American maid the President has kept on his "personal staff" for over 30 years, and whose 7 children bare a striking resemblance to the former governor of Arkansas.
Hillary describing how "Bitches" who snitch get "stitches"

Hillary, who can only reach climax by watching her husband degrade other women, pointed out that Melanie Trump probably never, personally gas-lighted the daughter of a family friend into believing nothing ever happened, and definitely never "mulched a whore". A staffer from her campaign, who has since gone missing added " Honestly, at this point, we don't have enough pigs to get rid of all the bodies, we told her most of them won't talk, but I don't think its just about the cover up, I think she likes it" before a high pitched noise caused the staffer to flee in pain.

9/16/2016

Worm Heaven and Human Hell are the same place

This worms only regret is that he hadn't died sooner, while the person in front of him's primary regret is Usury
Pit of despair, or Ledo deck- In a shocking, but not altogether unexpected turn of events, necronauts have discovered Human Hell, first discovered in 1968 by Richard Nixon. While being further explored by the condemned and coerced, as no sane free man would enter of their own free will, and was noted for its giant carnivorous worms by the survivors of earlier expeditions. These large grotesque invertebrates seemed far more numerous than the semi-corporeal souls of the damned, whose physical selves are hacked at and consumed by the worms, before being regenerated anew the next day, which the now sentient worms celebrate with haunting hymns and rhythmic dance before the hunt is renewed again. This location also turned out to be where especially virtuous worms go when they die, taking on all the aspects they faintly yearned for in their tortured, but charitable lives. While the worst of humanity becomes their food and play thing. So as you can see, in death, the worm truly has turned.
The families of these necronauts will be well taken care of

8/16/2016

O'kapi! My Capy! Pt. 1

Dr. Joseph Mengele, Jr.
4/30/2044
When speaking of the capybara, three things are well know A) They are the largest rodents in the world B) Native to South America and C) Uniquely capable of teaching for, and administering, standardized tests. This last point became apparent as western nations flailed about wildly in attempt to combat the indomitable work ethic of Confucian minded peoples and the clear superiority of the Nordics, without having to pay teachers more, if anything at all. It seems that the general revulsion to intellectual rigor and the expectation of consistent effort, has alienated all but the most successful and self realized individuals, themselves a hated minority. Teachers became a social liability, a decadent reminder of the old order. While my weak minded “Brother” Rolf might have attributed these attitudes to an undo politicization of an intellectual community, let us remember him for what he was, the weak son, and what does the weak son say?...nothing. The teaching of lesser races should not be the occupation of their masters, and while the state’s failure to properly indoctrinate and racially tract their student was abominable, it alone would not have been a final solution to this peculiar problem. When man realized his sense were too weak to track prey, did they kill their congested? When they realized they were too slow to follow the herds did they starve those who could not keep up? Did man hope to till his fields with a plow on his back? Dog, horse,  ox...when a task becomes onerous and untenable, we do not expect unrealistic alterations to ourselves, but instead find an applicable biological template and modify as needed. The reality of the situation required the vivisection, domestication and training of these new beasts of intellectual burden, these gro├če Aufgabe Bezugspersonen.      

PTA meetings are a blast!!!


 "One who eats slender leaves," not be confused with the oriental sex act, is instead the etymological breakdown of the Capybaras name, and the ideal teacher of rote knowledge. Capybaras are very gregarious, hierarchical, and see little difference between dominance and general group census, ideal for my purposes, and numerous on my ranch outside of Sao Paulo. The final and most important fact to suggest the Capybara is that they only mate in water, and what greater fear does a parent have than an authority figure mating with their child, productively or not. This is why I advised against certain communities around the great lakes and Mississippi to continue with human educators or to use an online system, and reiterate, the events which did occur are the fault of the comptrollers, not my Capybaras. Anti-vivisectionists have played my role in this natural, but assisted, transformation as “notably heinous” and as the Norwegian ambassador to Brazil stated “without compare, Joseph Juniors experimentation is without example…humanity, from this point on, is a hollow term.”
Through the use of binaural beats and autosuggestive methods allowed me t imprint certain behavioral, analytical and content based objectives in the instinctual mind of creature, like a parrot reciting Shakespeare it was perfect, acceptable but without understanding. I first introduced my creation in a non-lab envirment at my nephews summer camp, as the saying goes  " at camp, everyone has a Mengele story." While I had to put the swimming instructor down on the first day, the other instructors worked admirably, the children loved them as they were gentle and will usually allow humans to pet and hand-feed them. The commandant liked the fact that he could pay them in grass and their own feces. While this particular experiment was a success, the issue of administration was still pressing.


Tough but fair

8/14/2016

Hillary Clinton proposes "The State"

As part of The State, all nourishment must be obtained from random citizens via an apparatus which is also called "The State", and then thank the stranger on behalf of The State, as explained in a PSA by Robert De Niro,

Understanding that a Trump resurgence, either during the election or as an armed insurrection after the fact, is just one slam dunk performance of "Edelweiss" away. Hillary Clinton has proposed an all encompassing plan for national reform, welcome to "The State", you are going to love it, because you have to.

Here a Hillary supporter can be seen practicing voter predation 


Hillary will be reinstating indigenous labor reforms by instituting the Encomienda system nation wide, allowing Democratic Party members to "protect" the "weak" in exchange for "services", a system Bill Clinton has used with his interns for decades. "The Votes" will work for the party members, canvasing communities, handing out fliers, manning booths at party events, and acting as the "Honeypot" in complicated blackmail schemes. In return "The Votes" will be given a thorough education in party doctrine, and propaganda to be disseminated to the unassigned.
Here the children will learn the art, they will learn to love it, they will learn to obey it, and to reproduce the likeness of Hillary in at least 6 different State approved poses  

Still looking to Americas glorious past for solutions to today's problems, children over the age of 7 will be raised in Carlisle Industrial Schools, out of the reach of their crypto-Trumpian parents, to be given a proper political and occupational education by squads of Clinton Foundation staffers, proudly living their motto "Kill the conservative, save the gender neutral inductee". Whether or not the tuberculosis epidemics will be incidental or intentional, is still undecided.
But where will the Hillary Supporters of tomorrow live? Not with the rabble I hope!

Lastly, for now, the establishment of Fraktion Stadte's (Faction Cities), manned by peasant soldiers fully indoctrinated in Democratic dogma, separated from the General Population to maintain their ideological purity,  shall be established at strategic locations around the country. The purpose of these pre-planned fortified cities will be to act as a bulwark against subversives at home, model the perfect community for the unwashed and unenlightened, and to keep Trumpian civilization from reanimating over the Alleghenies...or Sierra Nevada's, you know, the middle part.

8/11/2016

Trumpledore

He already has the support of Grand Wizards, and  he already sold his soul to help restructure some debt

After admitting that the only way he could possible become president is if he influences an unhinged armed man to assassinate his rival, kind of like how how a super-pac can't coordinate with their candidate, wink, wink, nudge, nudge say no more. Admitting that only with a heavy does of magical realism could he possibly win in November, a topic he went off at in front a crowd that had gathered in an abandoned car park, quickly forgetting the realism aspect and showing that lack of basic knowledge and judgement that has so far characterized his oratory the candidate explained how he had always wanted to be a wizard, and felt that he could wield the best kinds of magic, that owning Trump University basically makes him just like Albus Dumbldore, then seemed to get confused about the difference between the KKK and D& D, before going on a 45 minute rant about how elves are a bunch of fags, underlining his point by prancing about the stage in an effete manner that he seemingly believes is elf like. His anti-elfen rant was so over the top that even some Trump supporters, even those entirely buying into his new fantasy, couldn't bring themselves to clap for the much more palatable idea of walling off the Orcs, before mentioning his personal admiration for Sauron, but thought he needed to get tougher, smarter and stronger.

7/27/2016

Discarded Campaign Poster #1

The ideas of having the two Clintons tag team wrestle Trump/Pence, as well as having Donald and Hillary Wrestle in inflatable sumo suits, and campaigning for the title for a male spouse of the president to be "Pappa Roach" were also rejected 

Clinton "just wanted to @#$% Muslims"

In an unusual display of candor an exasperated and exhausted Hillary Clinton, in the wake of her husband questioning the loyalty of Muslim Americans, had this to say:

" He's not Islamophobic for @#$% sake, he just wanted to lower the self esteem of all Muslims so he could @#$% a select few at will, he has nothing against Allah or his prophet Muhammad, he just wanted to @#$% Muslims, when its about sex you forgive him! When its about sex you forgive everyone! [breaks down sobbing]"

A clearly depleted and probably inebriated Clinton was led off stage while she deliriously sang "The Star Spangled Banner" after a series of events orchestrated by a band of mice who are also ardent Bernie Sanders supporters, and who have, through heroics and deed unparalleled in mouse adventures,  successfully sabotaged Hillary Clinton's  campaign for President and specifically her coronation and show of unity at the DNC. Their antics and their attenuating payoff might seem trivial, but when carried out unseen, by mice, the psychological effect can be devastating.

You don't want to know the sick antisemitic shit he had to say to get her in the sack

7/26/2016

Erdogan now front runner for "Hitler of the Year"


Between the amoral consummate party player and the out of control blustering populist id in America, as well as growing xenophobia in the UK, white Anglo's were thought to be a shoe in for "Hitler of the Year" until Erdogan "Coup". Of those who are unaware of the "Hitler of the Year" Award, they are chosen for their: Disregard for democratic institution, the subversion of legal safeguards, as well as about 213 completely secrete and esoteric criteria known only to the Hierarchy, and are in turn used to control the population, and bend them to the popular will.

Tens of thousands of Turkish citizens: School teachers, college professors, police Judges etc. are being detained, raped, tortured, and sever travel restriction have been placed on millions more, after a nebulous, short lived and seemingly harmless Coup on July 15th which seems to have given the President that would be Dictator a Casus Belli against all his enemies,no matter their actual involvement in the coup, after a suspicious incident where the nations parliament was bombed.

Here are what some contenders had to say about this upset:

"Hitler was powerful man, with a beautiful wife, who had the best' guns, the best planes, the best missiles, now am I going to go around killing Jews and Homosexuals, well yeah, but not because they are Jews and Homosexuals, so perhaps I wasn't running for the spot, but I woulda scrapbooked it" Trump said before tipping a wheelchair bound veteran into the crowd below while crying in anger over losing, despite the trivial nature of the award.

Trump went on to promise, if elected, he wouldn't be a Hitler, he would 10 of the best Hitlers, 1933-42 Hitlers, its going to be yuuuge


The Clinton campaign downplayed this slight to her endless lust for power, they chose to play offended "Hillary is an avowed and staunch Stalinist, and as such has a particular antipathy and sensitivity towards Nazism and Hitler in particular " they reported to Pravda, though sources around the former first lady report a considerable uptick in arbitrary summary executions of staff.
While we understand she was angry, she didn't have to do what she did to that intern, on her birthday



MP Boris Johnson was, as of press time, too involved with a maniacal scheme to drive Theresa May insane by sneaking his hyper-sexual feline familiar "Palmerston" into 10 Downing street, forcing the Prime Minister to furiously call the police to eject the protected and famous feline while a barely obscured Johnson giggled from the bushes outside.

While there are still four plus months and a US election before the final tally is in, and Hitler-esque leaders are known for their lighting fast moves, and explosive defeats. Yet, as of late July, there is no leader who has seized so much power, so eroded the independence and power of important institutions, and systematically and brutally crushing all opposition, which is what a leader must do to be "Hitler of the Year".

The DNC would like to remind you how evil all Russians are, always

The DNC and their FBI dogs are "Like totally, 101% sure" Grigori Rasputin is the root of the hacker attack on the DNC


As the DNC got their ass handed to them by a group of anonymous hackers, and their first inclination was to blame the Russians, based on the these correlating facts:
- How the information was inputted, could have been from a Cyrillic keyboard
- The hackers didn't work on Russian holidays
- The Hackers, people with the ability to manipulate electronic data, used IP addresses associated with Russian servers
- Russians are known to be be stone faced maniacs who will do and say anything to get what they want, and they will drown their conscious  in vodka later

A state dept sources who asked not be named for fear of Clinton's "Lurkers in the Shadows" said " The attack was elegant, like a ballerina trained from birth to be perfection in human form and trained by an elderly gymnast, whose own dreams of glory were crushed in a Nazi invasion and the rebuilding of his shattered homeland from the ashes" adding "These hackers are probably the children of disaffected Russian officials and former soviet revolutionaries" before nervously walking, then running, away.
You know this guy was, probably, involved



A DNC spokesman, who insisted I call him Cecil Rodriguez, stated "We would just like to remind the electorate how evil Russians are, the depths of their depravity, and their innate talent for subterfuge, and how it is a part of them, and how their leader, Vladimir Putin, is the worst of the lot" and added, "off the record, even the 'Good Ones' are probably just spies".

7/24/2016

Democrats Fudge their convention

Here Debbie Wasserman Shultz can be seen receiving the news of 20,000 leaked emails


As the Democratic front runner had been recovering from her testosterone and crystal meth injections, and for no reason was she to be disturbed, especially using the unspoken medium (E-mails). On the other hand it had just been proven beyond any conceivable doubt that the DNC conspired to push the coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton, using such tactics as:
  - Jew Baiting
  - Questioning Sanders commitment to his faith during southern primaries
  - Colluding with journalists to promote a favorable image of Clinton, over Sanders
  - Using the DNC to pressure journalists into promoting Hillary Clinton
  - Using the DNC to intimidate journalists who were pro-Sanders or anti-Hillary
And that is just what pertains to the DNC, that has been refined from 20,000 emails delivered just days ago. Some in the DNC have blamed the Russian government, as many in the Clinton campaign believe Trump and Putin are carrying on a torrid love affair over their mutual sexualization of power.
Vodka and Autocratic beliefs make strange bedfellows
Trying to avoid the vengeful Queen of politics, her entourage quickly went looking for a female minority from a swing state to replace Shultz with before anyone noticed and they would be crushed by a figurative rolling ball of media attention as it barrels down the narrow confines of convention coverage. As a result, meet your new ring master, Marcia Fudge
Guess what!? She believes what democrats are supposed to believe and never used the DNC to pick a fight with the nations most popular progressive