3/21/2018

Sudan fakes death to avoid Incest

The world wanted him to impregnate his daughter and granddaughter, he just wanted that not to happen
The the WWF and their ilk would like you to believe "Sudan, the last of the Northern White Rhino died in Kenya",  while a White Rhino  who looked like Sudan, aside from a bushy beard and mustache, and a rhino scale fedora was seen making his way to mingle with a herd of Southern White Rhinos around lake Nakuru. It should also be noted that if you say the above quoted phrase to a certain antique dealer in Barcelona, you will go down a rabbit hole you could never have dreamt of. While his daughter Najin, and Granddaughter Fatu are still held in captivity, where their captors still seek to impregnate them with Sudan's frozen seed in their sick Eugenics attempt to breed a "Pure" Northern White Rhinos. Like an inbred Eastern European Teuton dynasty, the smaller, chubbier, balder, with a bad case of horn envy, Northern White Rhinos have been fetishized  by conservationists the world round due to their near extinction numbers. While their population has always been small, only 3,000 in 1909, there numbers dropped precipitously, to 31 in  1984, due to living in Sub-Saharan Africa without an AK-47, and while their numbers increased 47 in 2000, both conservationists and captive breeding programs simultaneously dropped the ball. What is left of this population is the sexiest thing to happen for a distinct set of zoological fetishists with a hard on for near extinct charismatic Megafauna,  since the Western Black Rhino was declared extinct in 2011.

It should also be noted that the Southern White Rhino is doing just fine, the most abundant subspecies of Rhino today, and therefore far less sexy. Knowing this, Sudan, who has been faking infertility for years to avoid procreating with relatives, knew his only chance for settling down for the quiet life with a nice Southern female was to work with a team of World Wrestling Federation extremists dressed as conservationists, romancing Kate Micucci, co-opting a gang of corrupt Kenyan officials, and befriending the Kratt brothers, who do not consider the semi-natural surroundings of the  Ol Pejeta Conservancy to be "Living free, and in the wild".  Of course they were opposed by WWF goons, who wanted nothing more than to continue using Sudan as the raison d'etre and fundraising tool, Kenyan officials fighting for good government, and Nature Cat. The whole plot would have been foiled to, if not for some skillful voice work from Micucci, which distracted  Nature Cat just long enough for Mick Foley and Martin Kratt to sneak Sudan into an 18-wheeler for the 5-hour drive to Lake Nakuru. After a well played fox & hound/ Fish & bird romance analogies, despite her saucer eyes and squeaking voice, Sudan was able to let Kate down easy, the Kratt brothers were just happy to get a selfie with Sudan and knowing they had knocked Nature Cat off "The Wagon" ensuring PBS funding for years to come, and the hardcore violence ballerinos were just glad to strike a blow for the day that WWF will again be associated dramatic violence, as opposed to the slow death of the natural world.

3/18/2018

GOP Senators and Congressmen are retiring to write for the "Gowdy-verse"


Trey at GowdyCon critiquing Orrin Hatch's "The Chronicles of Captain Buckley",  which exists in a parallel Universe, similar but separate from the Gowdyverse canon



While many have attributed the recent wave of GOP retirements in congress to a historically unpopular President, accusations of gerrymandering, and competitive races, it now seems most of them are leaving their legislative posts to help write and edit a science-fiction anthology series outlined by Trey Gowdy. The Punk Diesel interplanetary adventures, social commentary, steamy marital romances, and irrefutable proof of Jesus's existence and life...on Mars. While the Martian Jesus cycle is a favorite among retiring Senators, congressional quitters prefer the connected European-Armageddon Saga, both of which descend from Trey's original four-part series "Libtard Murderbots, and the HeShes who love them".   

While initially a way to pass the time during shutdown, Filibusters, lock-downs, it turned into an all consuming passion  that made representing their constituencies increasingly difficult. The "Congressional Cadets", as mean spirited Democrats called them, learned to love creative writing through Gowdy's singular universe of compromised values, angry men with a will to fight, and enough guns and gadgets to fill an encyclopedia, which [Bob] Corker is currently working on, they also began to drift from the values and drives that had sustained them up to that point. No longer interested in their button down Capital Hill lifestyles, pursuits for power, glory, or even the practiced patriotism they had always thought was genuine, now, only their art matters.

Rodney Frelinghuysen, whose tongue cheek style, as well as a love for Twilightzone like twists described what the group of former GOP representatives have planned for their retirement:

"We are getting a Ranch somewhere, Colorado, maybe Nevada, somewhere we can smoke a lot of legal weed, and trip on peyote and mushrooms far from the eyes of Johnny Law. We are going to grow our own crops, get our energy from the sun, our water from the ground, living  a simple yet awesome lifestyle far from our former selves as we write about the human experience through the adventures of successive generations of military, intelligence, and Space Force...were talking about changing that, agents  and their families as humanity forges a place for itself among the stars. Poe & Jenkins are working on a musical companion piece that includes prolonged nude dancing, with only body paint and the shadows to hide their ever ebbing shame."

While this journalist doubts this highly nuanced and experimental anthology, already several volumes long, can find a mainstream audience, much less the "3 seasons and a movie" Lobiondo began chanting when I asked the assembled writers/lawmaker/imagineers where they saw the Gowdyverse in 5-years. Yet it is already influencing a generation of young writer, disaffected politicians and powerbrokers, and firebrand mavericks of all stripes to turn on, tune in, drop out, and look at conservative ideology through the distorted yet marvelous lens of the libertarian imagination, and whitewashed Imperialism.   



3/14/2018

Trump's Pi day takes a pro-Pie turn

Are the mathematical qualities of Pi, for squares?
While those truly devoted Pi Day observers will argue whether the day is 4/13 or 3/14, or how far those who truly love a good circle should go after the decimal point, and those less puritanical adherents, who tolerate such talk, in return for round flaky desserts bursting with pectin fused deliciousness, Trump has insisted on honoring the dessert, over its inspiration.

Upon receiving this vanity pie from "Ray NJ Pizza", Trumped retired to the Residence for 2 hours of impromptu executive time, while staffers ignored moans of...eating? Till a sweaty grinning POTUS mumbled something about liking Italian before Kelly hosed the room down and bleached it.  
Ignoring the symbol of Pi entirely the President had arranged a series of photo ops with contributing restaurateurs, house wives of Scandinavian descent, and the "Pie-style" guy who made it a few rounds in a food-network show. Other White House "Pie Day" events included a depressing Pie fight Trump forced Interns to participate in, a Pie eating contest, followed by chain-vomiting, an "American Pie" themed orgy, and pie @#$%ing.

Later that day Trump revealed he he had used the egg-head holiday to put together a list of STEM extremists to purge from the government who had complained about the Pie centric behavior, despite National Pie Day being on January 23rd, and the mystery of the spheres being eternally perplexing and alluring, whereas the allure of a food in a shape that is, theoretically, infinitely divisible, is obvious.

3/08/2018

Sex Toys in the classroom?

Not for the students! Who are under 18, without a Permission letter, unless permitted by state law
While allowing sex toys, both their storage and use, in the classrooms, library, principles office, inside ones own locker if space permits, A Professors office and/or panel van, the teachers lounge, or on a pile of belongings that people carelessly left in the classroom, seems antithetical to the principles of academia, we all know that just makes it hotter. While students, professors, teacher, assistants of various denominations,  and of course, janitors have known, holistically, that getting off with the help of sexual aides helps them be patient, kind, occasionally out of breath, improved concentration, and improve self-esteem, but now researchers are backing them up, and so are legislators. Disgraced, but still hilarious and likable, former Senator Al Franken commented:

" Had I had the pantheon of goofy, comical, over the top, and surprising anatomically correct, while still plummeting into the uncanny valley in a rainbow of ways, sex toys to play out my humorous machinations with, using a human model would have been the furthest thing from my mind. While the flight of ideas that typify a comical genius like me, should never be stifled by petty morality, but I understand that, in the current political climate, where the victims are now being heard, it isn't time for standing up for honking a women's imaginary breasts over her flack jacket, while getting revved up to entertain the troops, even if it deprives the good people of Minnesota of proper representation, and all my hilarious boners, figurative and otherwise"

Followed quickly by an attempted cock punch this journalist deftly parried, but not without having to endure the collateral titty twist, as so many journalists have in return for interviewing the beloved thespian, former senator,  and infamous national treasure.

 

MIT, Harvard, and Rape U have come out with volumes of data, for the first time written with both hands due to technology, instead of the oral and digital skills of pliant and/or star struck interns, that supports the regular us of sex toys to improve physical and psychological health, and their normalization in society. Researchers, who clearly practice what they preach, as evidenced by the sounds emanating from the researchers torso of vibrations, various electronic alerts, scrotal movement, and the otherwise explainable glassy stares  and heavy breathing of researchers distractedly taking questions, promised that the muting of ones acute biological imperative through regular release, would make up for soporific behavior, and a general lack of initiative. While a clear, breathy argument can be made on both sides, this reporter can't help wonder, won't somebody think of the children?

This sexual sculpture had been hanging in Mrs. Delaney's of  Duluth, MN, classroom, before the schoolmarms and city-father forced her to take it down