2/13/2018

5 Ways to resolve the NFL protests



The fans weren't sure if they were protesting, or saluting, and they didn't much care


1)  A choreographed dance number to a different piece of Patriotic music - Americans can't stand quiet kneeling, who can, its preachy, passive, and most importantly, boring. No one watches sports to see people take a knee, if it was any other portion of the game, a goofy mascot would provide a sideshow for the less politically inclined shirtless painted guy who is already three beers and two hot dogs into a "life affirming" ritual. Instead of being comforting, patriotic, set to British drinking song to mock their thin skinned effete sensibilities and love of ceremony, there is an eerie reminder that the fight for liberty and equality is an eternal struggle against our worst selves. Instead I offer options for delightful patriotic displays to contrast with National Anthem that don't clash with its themes of casual violence and tumescent spectacle. From "The Stars and Stripes Forever" blaring from Bison with  sound systems strapped to their backs, which will spook the animals into galloping across the fields, or perhaps drowning out the national anthem with the protesting players singing "Yankee Doodle", while setting off fire works. Quiet dignity is great for quiet times, behind closed doors, close family and friends, and that crazy asshole from the bar that talks like Trump, but not at the most spectacular thing most of us can ever be a part of, as close to Mad Max as most of us are willing to get. So go big, or stand up and pretend to mumble the words!



2) Have a player beat a dirty cop to death before the coin toss - Football, as it is played by the NFL, is soft-core bloodsports, its controlled violence that we all watch (and will pay a premium for a live viewing of) hoping things will get out of control, and if nobody does get hurt, or hurt enough, on the field, we can expect riots. Violence wise, football is the closest most of us can get to rubbing our violence nub without fines or jailtime. So lets kill two birds with one stone, and get the fans' juices' percolating, prevents rioting due to collective blue-balls, and get some of that sweet social justice everyone keeps talking about. A championed player chosen by consensus, in full team regalia, to beat a dirty cop, not unconscious, not to the edge, or to actual, death, but until his teammates have to pull him off of the mutilated pile of ground beef that used to be Officer So & So, of whoever's finest, before they broke the laws they were supposed to uphold, Oh, I am getting brain gasims just outlining it. We would have the dirty cop chosen by one egg being placed in the jar for every cop who is doing time for using their position to commit a crime, with one egg being black, and each dirty cop would pick an egg while blindfolded, until the black egg is chosen, who will be given a rats-ass of a chance in a fight against an athletic behemoth in padding. Honestly, I thinks this little addition could become more popular than the original game.


3) Wear Trump masks with cock and balls drawn onto both sides of the face, while standing for the national anthem - Let it be know, that your fight isn't with this nation and its people, but instead by an "Eat @#$% and Die" mentality of a certain segment of this country, towards other segments of this nation, that have been championed in a flamboyant way that hasn't been seen in at least half a century,  by Trump, so let us focus.  First of all, to the players, this in no way implies that you enjoy anonymously sucking cock, but instead that it is the President who enjoys that specific past-time, and if your pride still will not let you don this mask, for equality, then you were never that committed to begin with. To the fans, they're standing now! Are you happy? If not, you are being entirely unreasonable, the players are standing shoulder to shoulder with America, while quietly, hilariously, and spectacularly spoofing a symbol of what is cancerous in the American spirit. Lastly, to the owners, before you say it is never going happen, let me say, Merchandise, and when you try to counter, I will just keep shouting "Merchandise!", for Merica! While the original masks  will be hand made, and purchased by the players, the owners could put out versions with the teams color, with classic cock and balls illustrations, the R. Crumb is a favorite, while the Warhol is more gouche than the Gouche. Of course the cry of partisan Trump fans, to be "fair", will have to be met with a cock-and-balls Obama mask, and, I think, seeing Obama and Trump, drunkenly making out, with cock and balls pixelated out, on the kiss-cam, is the healing this nation needs. 


4) Releasing bees during the national Anthem - Alright, you are a patriotic, but how patriotic? If your patriotism is so great,  that players can't protest an important issue effecting their community during one of their few chances to publicly make a stand, you should be able to do it, covered in bees. It's time to put up, or shut up, is the singing of the national anthem a litmus test of ones patriotism or not? Because a lot of Americans have put up with a lot more than bees (and the smoke required to clear out the bees after the national anthem), so we can have the freedoms we enjoy today, and many of them were protesters. So, if this tabernacle of the tackle is too holy for a political protest, show it with bees, and the NFL will be marketing team themed bee kits for the patriotic home viewer. 



5) More Cheerleaders - Nuff said

1/31/2018

NASA tells you how to safely view tonight's "Ragnarok Moon"

What is a Ragnarok Moon?
With interest high,  and chances of a singularity slim, NASA is doing everything it can to help the populace view a rare and terrifying "Ragnarok Moon". Called a Ragnarok moon, as it could theoretically herald the Fimbulwinter, a multiyear winter of complete darkness, endless battles, that will be a prelude to the climactic fight between the elemental powers of the universe, which will end in utter destruction, but NASA says, due to the alignment of the planets, constellations, and the sparsity of Loki sighting, it is highly unlikely.

Is a Ragnarok Moon safe to view?
That said, NASA wants to make sure everyone understands that, like with viewing a Solar eclipse, to view it safely, requires several precautions. As the Ragnarok Moon represents an alignment of the planes encompassed by the world tree Yggdrasil, one can expect high tides due to increased activity of the Midgard serpent, so expect coastal flooding, as well as the death of cowards, and circumpolar wolf activity, as the children of Loki yearn for his return. While those born without souls, or who have so tarnished their souls with this world that they could never enter Valhalla, can view the moon without succumbing to its effects, all other humans should only view it as reflected by a mirror

What are the symptoms of having viewed the Ragnarok Moon?
NASA adds that one should never look directly at the Ragnarok Moon and madness and compulsively gathering the fingernails of the dead, are the least of your worries. Children who view the moon, will be marked for capture by their cultures/ Religions version of a Bag-man, and attempts to save the child will only add to the collateral, before the disobedient child is inevitably taken, if the parents are atheists, CPS will do the job, NASA has assured the public. Adults who directly view the moon, and don't immediately go insane, will be seemingly unchanged, until people from their community start to go missing, and after many false accusations, and executions, the home of a once respected and loved individual, will be revealed as a house of horrors. Lastly, it was believed that the elderly who viewed the Ragnarok moon would commit spontaneous Attestupa, but NASA believes that was a myth perpetrated by Nordic nations to commit senicide to help grease their social welfare system. The non-Scandinavian scientific community is split on whether the elderly can view the moon directly without issue, or if they are more likely to turn to cannibalism if they do.   

How to prepare for viewing the Ragnarok moon
First of all, all mirrors must use silver as the reflective surface, other materials, polymers and gold will still reflect the mind bending rays of the moon into your soul and mind, but in a strange and distorted way, which NASA asserts might be even worse than viewing it directly. On the other hand, using a silver backed reflective telescope, the viewer might see something like this:

This sketch by Johann Galle, depicts what he saw while viewing the Ragnarok Moon in the winter of 1860 at the Breslau Observatory 
It is also suggested that one brings burlap sacks to cover the faces of children, as it is better to have a sack on your head for a couple hours, then spend a perceived eternity in one, till being sold to a terrifying master, because you couldn't keep your eyes shut. NASA added, that if it thought people would listen they would suggest everyone spend the night watching netflix in the basement with loved ones till the danger has passed, but who would listen?

1/27/2018

G-d sad that faithful reject evolution

G-d, currently incarnated as a feral S.E. Asian dog, thought evolution was pretty cool 
The creator of all, who is eternal, thought a system by which small inherited variances, over time, give an organism an enhanced ability to compete, survive, and reproduce, and has the ability to dramatically alter their appearance and nature, much like the dog, which is his name spelled backwards, was a "pretty @#$%en cool idea". While the traditional 7-day cold start was a great way to get a bunch of shithole mud dwellers to shape up and get their act together, he couldn't wait for his creations to find out the wondrous, yet work-a-day genesis of life, that is evolution, G-d added:

Frankly, I could purge the holy@#$% out of this rock: asteroid, space plague, your own hubris, whatever, boom. As long as I got snakes, turtles, rats and roaches, I can have biodiversity wherever I want it within 25 million years, because of an incredibly smart system of self selection that I installed like gravity.

G-d would also like to remind us there is a spooky skeleton inside all of us, except invertebrates,sharks, and any number of unspeakable horrors

A clearly irate, impassioned, and all powerful G-d continued:

I have explored vertebra world, and rarely found it wanting as I shepherded it through its myriad morphological forms. That said, and this coming from the most advanced and only truly eternal being, bug world is, and will always be, an option. Invertebrates are still the vast majority of the planets  animate biomass, and have biologically, attained levels of complexity that vertebrates, socially, have attained only recently, evolutionarily speaking, which I thought would be the jive talk of the initiated, the B in plan B, stands for "bug"

The deity alcoholics the world round have come to know, concluded with:

I am thinking of a Myriapoda species, innately feudal, coarse, and fixated on feeding, reproducing, and attaining "Purity". They will never attain FTL capabilities, but will spread through grotesque generation ships, and if the species they come in contact are weak or primitive, they will consume and reproduce unchecked, turning feral in the absence of opposition. On the other hand, if they meet a superior species, they will go invasive, attaining civilization and culture as a means of destroying their enemies, only to send their elite out in generation ships to colonize new worlds, leaving the plebes to cannibalize each other. Is that what you want?

While it seems the creation of such a species is just the musings of a supreme being feeling vengeful over his adherents rejecting his super cool reality, for the training wheels version of the universe, he is still the being holding all the cards, so, respect.   

1/22/2018

Jason Momoa attacks on the rise!

9 out of 10 Jason Momoa victims never saw him coming
While the vast majority of Momoa attacks are on unsuspecting campers, tourists, and sex workers, as well as people Momoa mistakes for "The One". The other side of the coin are the deep psycho-sexual stalking murders he commits, based on random encounters that he hyper-focuses on. While this savage and barbarous monster of a human has become famous and beloved playing barbarous ultra humans, he has also helped keep the deer population in check in any area he is filming in, says Momoa Tracking and Research Association. MTRA Researcher Dr. Todd Crunkle stated "While stalking someone he is either romantically interested in, suspects is a long lost family member, or a mentor who has killed his true and/or most recent  love of his life. He will in the process, feed on hundreds of pounds mammals, fish, fowl, and grubs, every day" Before clarifying that what he does is not stalking, but instead science, because he is writing it down and submitting it to peer review.
Most studios cannot afford the insurance required to work with Momoa, those that do are required to recapture him using drones and convict trackers


What these Momoaphiles fail to recognize, is that the actor, when he fails to conclude his business quickly, and consume enough protein through predation on native wildlife to quiet the forests, he often wanders into inhabited areas, or stumbles upon campers and hunters, occasionally befriend them, but more often he is mistaken for a bear attack. This misconception has been reinforced by the fact that Momoa, after sustaining heavy damage from his enemies, wounds that would kill a lesser man, he is nursed back to health by a roving pack of wolves, who he will stay with till he can return the favor, or a grizzly mamma he had saved many moons before.
"Oh, dear G-d! Oh, @#$%!  A tourist wandered onto the set! Get the tranquilizers! GET THE TRANQUILIZERS![Screaming, brutal snarling, rending, and then eerie silence]"


While the Momoasphere is still out on if these are truly unprovoked attacks brought on by rage and hunger, or if he has unknown preternatural senses, which allows him the ability to react to threats biological "Minority Report"style, making him a mystical vigilante. Either assumption, in this reporters opinion, is Momoaphobic, Jason has proven his ability to show great empathy and honor, like when he honored his Khaleesi's from the front at her request, instead of raping the hell out of her for her impudence, one of the many on screen twists R.R. Martin insisted on, but which Momoa refused to abide. It should also be noted that Jason Momoa makes a personal appearance in many of my dreams, sometimes as a guide, sometimes a friends, but always caked in blood. Lastly, if you were Jason Momoa, you would probably murder a lot of people in a mindless rage too.