3/21/2018

Sudan fakes death to avoid Incest

The world wanted him to impregnate his daughter and granddaughter, he just wanted that not to happen
The the WWF and their ilk would like you to believe "Sudan, the last of the Northern White Rhino died in Kenya",  while a White Rhino  who looked like Sudan, aside from a bushy beard and mustache, and a rhino scale fedora was seen making his way to mingle with a herd of Southern White Rhinos around lake Nakuru. It should also be noted that if you say the above quoted phrase to a certain antique dealer in Barcelona, you will go down a rabbit hole you could never have dreamt of. While his daughter Najin, and Granddaughter Fatu are still held in captivity, where their captors still seek to impregnate them with Sudan's frozen seed in their sick Eugenics attempt to breed a "Pure" Northern White Rhinos. Like an inbred Eastern European Teuton dynasty, the smaller, chubbier, balder, with a bad case of horn envy, Northern White Rhinos have been fetishized  by conservationists the world round due to their near extinction numbers. While their population has always been small, only 3,000 in 1909, there numbers dropped precipitously, to 31 in  1984, due to living in Sub-Saharan Africa without an AK-47, and while their numbers increased 47 in 2000, both conservationists and captive breeding programs simultaneously dropped the ball. What is left of this population is the sexiest thing to happen for a distinct set of zoological fetishists with a hard on for near extinct charismatic Megafauna,  since the Western Black Rhino was declared extinct in 2011.

It should also be noted that the Southern White Rhino is doing just fine, the most abundant subspecies of Rhino today, and therefore far less sexy. Knowing this, Sudan, who has been faking infertility for years to avoid procreating with relatives, knew his only chance for settling down for the quiet life with a nice Southern female was to work with a team of World Wrestling Federation extremists dressed as conservationists, romancing Kate Micucci, co-opting a gang of corrupt Kenyan officials, and befriending the Kratt brothers, who do not consider the semi-natural surroundings of the  Ol Pejeta Conservancy to be "Living free, and in the wild".  Of course they were opposed by WWF goons, who wanted nothing more than to continue using Sudan as the raison d'etre and fundraising tool, Kenyan officials fighting for good government, and Nature Cat. The whole plot would have been foiled to, if not for some skillful voice work from Micucci, which distracted  Nature Cat just long enough for Mick Foley and Martin Kratt to sneak Sudan into an 18-wheeler for the 5-hour drive to Lake Nakuru. After a well played fox & hound/ Fish & bird romance analogies, despite her saucer eyes and squeaking voice, Sudan was able to let Kate down easy, the Kratt brothers were just happy to get a selfie with Sudan and knowing they had knocked Nature Cat off "The Wagon" ensuring PBS funding for years to come, and the hardcore violence ballerinos were just glad to strike a blow for the day that WWF will again be associated dramatic violence, as opposed to the slow death of the natural world.