The true meaning of Hanukkah

How do an outnumbered band guerrilla's take down a Macedonian Phalanx, the premier fighting force of its time, perhaps boiling oil? Or as the Maccabees called it "Making Latkes"
As a certain universalist religion celebrates the birth of another hungry mouth to feed, in the Ghetto, with gross commercialism,  a voyeuristic, judgmental, home invader bending time and space to make your kids behave with his elf henchmen from his secret arctic hideout, and binge drinking. But, there is another December holiday, one that doesn't end in a 30 year old virgin being tortured to death and then having that torture device be "His" symbol, and on that point, what then hell is wrong with you!? A fish is a far less threatening image, hell, a lip-less gnashing monster would be a less terrifying symbol, back on track, this Holiday commemorates events that happened in a storied land, to two storied people, that is the exact opposite of Christmas.

Did you know there were many "Antiochus", the one from the Hanukkah story was number IV, this is the most recent model
The Jews, that's right, the folk from the Bible, the real one, not the fan fiction "50 Shades of Monotheism" craptacular Arab and Latin versions, had been living under foreign occupation for over 400 years and making a pretty good go of it until in 168 BCE, Antiochus IV tried to invade  Egypt, but he and his path to victory were blocked by a one Gaius Popillius Laenas, a Roman badass, Ambassador, and with a tablet from the Senate telling Antiochus to turn his ass around, to which Antiochus replied he would discuss it in council, to which the badass in question responded by drawing a circle around Antiochus and letting him know that if he left said circle without agreeing to these demands, he would be at war with Rome. The pussy that he was, he turned his ass around, and severely butt-hurt he decided everything that was Greek was good, and all that was not, especially those shitty Latins, were not, which leaves our Jewish friends under the occupation of Antiochus,  in a pickle.

Stick with me, this is important

So, for the last 150 years the Greeks have occupied most of the known world, you know, the world that counts [wink], and doing Greek shit, worshiping Greek gods, doing Greek sports etc. almost all required one to pull out their dangle, which would in turn open doors for this individual who has shown a proper wang and show them a whole new world of possibilities...primarily cultural and economic, but in the Greek world that would invariably become sexual, so it all comes back to a properly dressed shaft. Well, the Jews have this thing, their oldest tradition is to trim the awning and keep ones masculinity tidy, so, to do as the Greeks do, make money, get an education etc. the Jew would have to give up their most cherished tradition. So you had the Greek occupation and their "Downstairs mess" kapos  on the one side, and traditional Jews on the other, both living separate lives with separate institutions, until a butt hurt Antiochus comes back from the war that didn't happen and decided to be a dick about things.
I'm so sorry, how rude of me, did anyone else want to try and sacrifice pig to Zeus on this alter? Anyone? 
Bit of advice, don't mess with a guy named Matthias, who likes to quote scripture and whose family is affectionately known as "The Hammer", and certainly don't try to sacrifice a swine to Zeus on an alter of a foreign G-d in front of him, you're gonna have a bad time...and that is just what the Greeks did. From 167 BCE to 160BCE Matthias and his sons waged a brilliant Guerrilla war which forced the Seleucid from the Jewish Heartland in the Hills of Judea and Samaria, that would take 3 of Matthias's 5 sons, Eleazer Avaran who died thrusting his spear into the belly of a war elephant, and Judas Maccabee died facing down 22,000 heavily armed Greeks with his band of 800 men rather then live and see them retake Jerusalem, his death inspiring a general revolt led by the two surviving brothers Jonathan and Simon, which liberated the land, expelled the Hellenized collaborators and allowed freedom worship. Sure they rejected the prevalent world culture of their time, they were bigoted against the pagan pantheons of other nations, and sure they would go on to do most of the same things the Greeks had done, so what if they were dicks!? They were Jewish dicks, and that is the lesson of Hanukkah, even a flawed Jew, i.e. Netanyahu, will do more for his or her people than all the refined Gentiles (i.e Obama) in the world. Happy Holidays! and remembered which one was more badass.

No comments: