The New EPA: Prostitutes, Cocaine, and Guns

"Think about it, chum. Good business is where you find it" 

Living up to the Trump administrations motto of "Spend more, do less", which is tattooed on a undisclosed location on their body while possible Trump appointee's were passed out at the 2015 Bohemian Grove after an especially drunken performance during "Play Night", by unknown Russian agents (Or staff hired to impersonate Russian agents, things get weird at the Grove), Pruitt is spending more of the EPA's money than his predecessors, while do virtually nothing to protect the enviroment, is purposefully not enforcing the law, and in fact, he is actively hindering the ability of EPA scientists to protect the enviroment. So what is the EPA doing with itself, if it isn't protecting the enviroment? Basically, compromising the scientific world, clandestine government drug deals, and engineering stock-market for profit murders.

1. "If all scientists are perverts, isn't Science just fake news?"

As we have previously reported on, the vast majority of scientists will follow, produce, and falsify scientific data if it get's their dick's wet. Unfortunately, many forms of inconvenient science, are also sexy, especially when it comes to climate change. Hence, Pruitt has, based on the example of the Australian firearm amnesty program, decided to secretly make Trump's stable of Russian Prostitutes available to the nations environmental scientists, in return for being able to blackmail them into touting the benefits of a warmer world, or face a sexual witchhunt, whether they engage in intercourse or not, so mine as well.

2. "This is the rock-and-roll EPA, we do COCAINE!!!!"

"Once you got your paw stuck in a honey-pot all there is left to do is a long line of cocaine and ride it out" Said former President Bill Clinton during an unsolicited interview at a seedy strip club as the former commander-in-chief compulsively jams ones down the G-string of a 40 year-old, overweight African-American stripper, and is also true of Pruitt's EPA. With the American Parks service hoping to franchise the Bohemian Grove, they are charging cocaine prices for admission, so the EPA has begun to grow, process, and distribute cocaine to wealthy, "In the know" campers, disguised as off brand sex pills at park adjacent gas-stations. Additionally, environmental scientists, will be expected to sell cocaine on the behalf of the EPA at international and interstate climate summits and events, as long as they don't discuss environmental science while they do so, with instruction to keep the discussion on: A) The size of Donald Trumps electoral victory/inauguration B) Where scientists can find the best Russian hookers C) How great uncut cocaine is, and D) Asking them if they want to go somewhere more private to "Do Science".

3. "Can't really protect the enviroment without firepower and a few bodies"

Who controls what's toxic? Who has access to your vehicle? Your drinking water? Who can hide the bodies where no one is allowed to look? The EPA can. The innocuous presence of the EPA (Who doesn't live in the enviroment, right?), their ability to rope off vast swaths of the nation to protect little known and little cared for plants and critters, and a new President who leans more on the blood side of the "Blood and Soil" argument, has turned the EPA into the new (Hidden) guns of the federal government. Now for the politically motivated murders you have a dearth of government agencies to choose from, but if you want to kill a person, or many people, for the profit of a few shadowy friends and associates, you need a government agency that isn't associated with murdering people for nebulous  and pragmatic ends of the federal government, steps in Pruitt's coked out, venereal sore encrusted EPA.  Whether it is finding a patsy for a mass shooting, poisoning a communities water, a unexplained car crash, or roping off a mass grave in the desert to protect a fictional burrowing animal, if there is a profitable murder, the EPA is your agency. In short, Trump wants to remind every one how deadly, mysterious, and terrifying the enviroment can be, and to make a buck doing it.

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