5 Ways your resume is scaring off employers

Most employers prefer Scott Bakula's work in "Quantum Leap"

1) Too man references to Star Trek: Enterprise - There is a 94% chance your boss is a humongous socially awkward nerd, and you will want to bond with him over sci-fi trivia and lore. Yet, you have to remember that and employer will be reading and analyzing hundreds, if not thousands of resumes and cover letters, and hearing about the way the Klingon's temporarily lost their ridges as a race for several decades, or why time wars have a legitimate place in the star trek canon, in every other engineers application, gets old fast. If one does have to mention Star Trek: Enterprise trivia to properly illustrate your worth as an employee, make sure to tie it to some behind the scenes facts, and weigh it out with DS9 Trivia and funny stories about Ferengies.



2) Displaying your genitals, as a power move, before the 2nd interview - While displaying your genitals for sexual reasons is always frowned upon in the office place, baring ones genitals as a symbol of pack hierarchy and primacy is a necessary signalling behavior in our modern hyper-competitive workplace, and the world cost of ditching this process could cost in the billions.  So genital displays are here to stay, but that is not to say you should be whipping it out every-time you have to prove your bonafides. Gone are the days when a couple hastily taken Polaroids of a poorly lighted shaft and balls, or a glittterless vulva could be substituted for experience and education. Not to say you shouldn't display it like a Brazilian carnival once you get a call back, but it shouldn't be part of the resume.

3) Referencing your pen pal relationship with serial killers, and love of paraphilia - It doesn't matter if you knew the person before they were discovered to be  a serial killer, or if you think the interviewer/employer would really like some things if they would just give them a chance, weird sex and a friendly relationship with famous murderers can't officially be your best foot forward, and are off limits for your resume. While you might feel that society just has to many hang ups about right, wrong, consent, and what makes us human, and better than human, and it seems like everyone one else is tacitly on board with it, but they need time to see it in the context that is you before they can officially accept it, banana slug but plugs, Christmas cards from Dennis Rader, and all.

The idea that he "Gets you" doesn't make it better

4) Subliminally imprinting deviant thoughts through rhetorical hypnosis - Your resume is supposed to represent you, not bend anyone who reads it to your will, a will-less husk whose soul is now trapped behind unblinking eyes. While complete dominance might seem desirable to someone without empathy or remorse, in a cooperative enviroment overt displays of pseudo-science dominance is frowned upon, especially if those displays involve destroying friends and coworkers by the "New Guy". While the desire to assert dominance and toy with those who believe they might be more powerful than you, might feel overwhelming, compulsive, even obsessive, bite a lemon and leave it out of your resume, there will be time for games and toys later...

5) Including a scrapbook with pictures of missing people, including strange and disturbing souvenirs of unknown provenance - Whether or not you killed, captured, or otherwise had your way with those poor people, or had anything to do with their disappearance, or it's just a morbid art project you like showing people because it always gets a reaction, don't include it with your resume. While you might enjoy the thrill that terrifying another human being brings, the unease as the interviewer slowly realizes what connects each of the photographs, fear at what the strange mementos came from and mean, and what the photographs of rural or abandoned sites could signify. Sure there is no way anyone could prosecute based on it, and the G-d like thrill you feel when people peak behind your human mask, and then cringe in fear, is undeniable, but you need a job to fit in, right? And there is always the company Christmas party.