By our Accountant Flanbert Urkmen
(New York--10/23/03) I am a clown, theirs no escaping it. My 16 inch shoes, flaming red hair and white face with my huge, squeaky, bulbous, red nose- no amount of make up can cover up what I am. I am also an accountant, and there are those that think that this is a contradiction in terms. I call those people inbred racist Dixicrats, mostly because I have no sense of humor and I am quick to anger. Most people think of being a clown is a profession, but actually Circus clowns are just people dressing up to enact bigoted minstrel shows based on real life clowns. I want to set the record straight about one of America’s most underrepresented minorities, the biological clown.
I am Flanbert Urkmen, I was born in Biggem, Nebraska in 1974, to a white father and a clown mother, who suffered from depression. Depression is an all to common ailment among clowns, who generally suffer from bipolar disorders either being insanely happy or morbidly sad, always a tear perched just below their eye. My mother’s depression eventually caused her to hang herself with an inflated balloon which she shaped into a noose. Clown suicides, deaths, and murders are often underreported and ignored as the methods are more often then not hilarious. Few officers can maintain a straight face telling how a clown choked to death on an endless handkerchief rope, so America laughs as the death toll rises. I grew up in a relatively large clown community, so about 37 of us would carpool to school in an old beetle, and I lived a sheltered life amongst good clown - loving people. I lived this sheltered life until I tried to attend college in New York City. A small group of psychotic clowns such as Joker, Sweet Tooth and It have created a negative bias regarding Clowns in popular media, and clowns such as Bozo and most circus clown impersonators have painted a picture of a clown that is both obnoxious and mildly retarded, excluding us from all but a few vocational Clown specific Colleges, which are often referred to by the popular slang of “Clown Colleges”. My guidance councilor had left out my ethnicity when he had sent in my NYU submission, instead putting me down as a deformed albino since he thought it would garner less hatred and resentment, as we seem to bring up feelings of racial hatred from everyone except the Inuit and certain Indonesians tribes, mostly those residing in Timor. In general, though, we have been expelled from almost all lands when the locals were tired of laughing at us, hunted by wild animals. Many clown tribes had no choice but to band with Beast masters and magicians for protection, traveling with their menageries in massive vaulted tents, making a living as entertainers.
Most actual clowns were killed off during the crusades, because clowns were, for no good reason, considered infidels just because the presence of the cross causes our skin to smoke and any mention of Christ causes our feline pupils to dilate as we instinctively hiss “unclean.” This is a purely instinctive reaction, no more freewill then a cough or murdering children in the caves of small seaside hamlets. Nonetheless most of us were exterminated, which caused many individuals from the tribe of Mime to suffer post traumatic stress syndrome, and always silently thinking things are there when they are not, or that the invisible walls of their self - constructed prison are closing in on them. They see themselves as pitiful, hated beings, like Jerry Lewis, and like Jerry Lewis they are only tolerated by the French. Why are we so hated, who wants to harm such annoyingly benign creatures as the overly social and flamboyant clown? Well it’s quite simple, The Man is keeping us down.
That’s right the infamous oppressor “The Man” has used his malignant powers of persuasion to systematically destroy our image and keep us third class citizens. Third class citizens are those that aren’t even given the recognition of existing in a horrible limbo - like existence that luckily only us and Big Foot have had to endure. The man is a tall, rich, white, old, Southern, fat, man who lives in a hermetically sealed bubble that is transported by oversized 1950’s style experimental aircrafts and airships. He uses his dark segregated tower of despair some where in the desert outside of Las Vegas as his vile lair, oppressing all non-white male Protestant peoples in his singularly nebulous way that can never be truly identified and therefore almost all unknown indignities of the vast sea of oppressed minorities are attributed to this depraved creation of middle America. Using perfectly constructed grammar, he disseminates his will to the various political parties, and the Illuminati. How can we simple minorities possibly stand up to this awesome creation, this embodiment of mainstream bigotry? The answer is, of course, getting involved in fringe leftist pseudo communist organizations decrying important and helpful institutions whose only crime is serving the mainstream instead of small minorities and niche organizations, setting up rallies to compare relatively benign leaders and activities with those of the Nazis for oodles of shock value, and making hateful and senseless statements at the expense of the majority.
I of course had no need to do any of that as I was registered as a deformed albino, and since America was coming to terms with the self proclaimed deformed albino Michael Jackson, shifting their views from love and awe to fear and revulsion, I was able to take accounting at NYU in peace and even get a good paying job, as it seems accounting firms don’t have enough personality to be able to hate. So why spend all this time decrying the situation of the clown even though it never really caused me personally any pain or sorrow? Well, that’s just another aspect of us clowns, we seem to make a big production out of everything. So, to answer your question, yes, I am from NYU. Now, enough clowning around. [He just started hooting and laughing bouncing down the street].