Brothers and Sisters,
I used to be like you: Spiritual, Sincere, and Sexually perverse in ways that would make Woody Allen cringe...non-nuerotic ways [wait for gasps and hushes], but then the alliteration of my life changed. One day when I was rock climbing on E with my sexually ambiguous life partner the Rebbe came to me in a vision, holding hands with Madonna, not the Madonna, just Madonna, and explaining the faults of my personal philosophy. For so...no, wait... too long I had felt that a closeness to G-d required a commitment to personal dignity and self improvement, to change I had to become something more, now thanks to the R man in the sky and Madonna, I realize I just have to be something different with an ideology so convoluted that by the time everyone finds out what I really am I will have...wait for it...Ollied into heaven!
That's right the long and hard road to spiritual enlightenment has a lip on it, and that lip is a mixture of Eastern Mysticism, Socially Dynamic clergy and everyone’s favorite Kabballah. For centuries Judaism was the religion of dignity and reason, but thanks to the mind crushing crucible that is a millennia and a half of EXTREME! Eastern European persecution the isolated enclaves of Jews created a slave ideology that would bring a solitary tear to an Egyptians eye. Traditionally Astrology, Cosmology, and abstract symbolism has been realm of Pagans, Cults, and Demagogues, but no more will we bound solely to an all knowing, all being, all powerful deity. We have once again reclaimed our right to small powers we can relate to on a personal level, pleasant Yokes of self worship less powerful then ourselves, you can now be dominated by the unknown as much as, or as little as, you want. We have an a excellent staff of quasi-shaved costumed Rabbi's waiting to remove your guilt through donations, the sale of chai necklaces to ward of the all knowing evil eye which dominates the darkness within all of us and commands respect equal to any G-d, prayer and spiritually manipulative sex, like the Kama Sutra spiced with guilt and garnished with self loathing.
Come Study with us, and remember study means spend time with us so we can build a reporte before we start asking for money, just to be clear, I mean who ever heard of someone wanting to learn with the poor, destitute, and of embittered spirit, those people are downers and a waste of all of our time, Rabbi X only studies with winners, are you a winner?