There are some big questions out there…
Questions others are too afraid/responsible to answer…
People like your father…
People like you?
Does the fact that you're gonna DIE... scare you to DEATH? Do you feel like you're already dead? Was a sense of purpose and self assuredness something you just weren't born with? Yes you say, but what can I do about it. A life-long struggle to find myself is just too long, especially in the fast paced world of today. Deep study and commitment to the beliefs, convictions and goals of my forefathers is so cold and un-dramatic. How can I turn the journey to enlightenment into a chaotic whirlwind of unmitigated self-righteousness and pitiable self-loathing?
These are the questions, now without further ado, the answer…
Well Broham, you gotta learn to OLLIE INTO HEAVEN!!
with Rabbi Xander Shmoiglstein!
BN: How do you do it Rabbi Shmoiglstein?
Rx: Call me Rabbi X.
BN: Ok, Rabbi X
Rx: No, no, just X.
BN: ...Ok then X
Rx: No, no Rabbi X, gotta let the people know I'm trustworthy.
BN: Ok Rabbi X, tell us about your hysterically un-centered philosophy.
Rx: Well man first, fuck all that other bitch ass Torah, this shit is straight Kaballah. Steps one and two have always been for nerd pussies. We go straight to step three.
BN: Wow, that does sound uncentered. So how does Ollie Into Heaven work?
Rx: Its all about the idea that when you can you can and when you can't you can't, but the point is that you can and you have to, all the time.
BN: Volatile yet sustainable, I like it. Lets hear from some of Rabbi X's satisfied minions, any questions/comments from the flock:
Audience member#1: I'm in love with this program. Rabbi X's recklessness with mysticism makes it all about duality rather than unity so when you had sex with me, I knew that it was only disgusting blemish on my reprehensible body that could easily be cleansed away by the awesome power of my soul, my clean, clean soul…I love you Rabbi X! You’re the Messiah! [ carted out of the auditorium]
Audience member#2: Everything I don't like God doesn't like and everything I do like, God loves, thank you Ollie into Heaven and thank you Rabbi X!
BN: Well that’s all the time we have for this symposium, come back next week when we will be discussing the Evil Eye in greater depth.