Brooklyn, NY- It came to our attention early Tuesday morning that, "Rabbi X" the leading voice of Ultra-Modern Orthodox Jews has begun selling massive burial pyramids to his congregation in order to bolster his building fund. Our source in Brooklyn, the Senator, brought this to our attention after he received a series of Brochures accidentally delivered to his Williamsburg "shag den." In addition to a series of diagrams and illustrations the basic text of the document went as such:
"Are you uncomfortable with the idea that after you die your body will rot and dissipate into the cold and unforgiving earth? Does it bother you how such a process is symbolic for the more abstract process of the memory of your presence on earth eventually and inevitably being forgotten? Some people want you to believe that through inward focus and spiritual awakening you can simply make these nagging and terrifying realities float away, much as cookie dough relieves the anguish of solitude for the lonely. But for us, the more rational and realistic, we realize that it takes something much sturdier, physically larger and of course more extravagantly expensive. I'm Dr. Milton Osiris of Dr. Osiris's Pyramids and Pyramid supplies. Here at O.P.P. we offer you a very simple historical reality, pyramids have been around for a long ass time. What other burial structures have stood the test of time like pyramids? Crypts? Caves? Perhaps Mounds? Perhaps, but is that how you want to manifest your quasi-eternal physical self manifestation? Its up to you would you rather be known as the guy buried in the mound or the man entombed in the Pyramid of Osiris. Face it nothing beats the classic desert pyramid, built with real old timey stone by real Jewish Slaves...cough, cough... I mean by real muti-ethnic slaves."
While the idea of extravagant burial is nothing new the last line of the brochure demanded additional inquiry. After finding most of the states legal slave markets closed for almost two centuries I realized that his sources must be illegal and sought to enlist my good friend, and dirty work professional, the Fellonist to tap the rabbi's telegraph, which he uses to avoid alien interference and interception, but whose security is no match for the Fellonist, and last night we finally hit pay dirt with the following message from Dr. Osiris, the business associate and personal physician of Rabbi X:
"X[stop] Need more Hebrew mind slaves [stop] wraith of vengeful God slowing production [stop] i saw your kids pics on facebook [stop] Raizil Shmilza is getting so big [stop] "
While Raizil Shmilza is becoming quiet the big girl, the proof that Rabbi X has been involved in a ancient cults burial practices and the enslavement of his own community has lead to local politician vowing to "look into this matter further," which I am sure means a full range of Golf course Jokes and mild mannered banter on the subject until it can be safely swept under the rug. Though the leadership has been less the proactive in shutting down these illegal activities it has yet to be seen whether or not there Will be a public outcry on the subject...