When your Candidate loses, how should you commit suicide?

Don't let this be you, because then you would be a @#$% loser

Seppuku? Seppuku! You can't handle seppuku! As a journalist who has been a party to more than one grizzly scene, but less than 150, unlike Felix, he is what we call a "gore whore", but, because I have experience with, but have not become numb to, scenes of violence, self inflicted and otherwise, I know, that when you want to check out, and for those of you looking for a reason, why not politics? Is it because you are worthless? I will probably need to walk you through it.

Remember to look at your suicide from all perspectives, one mans martyr is another's terrorist

So Hillary or Trump are now the President, and you still have to get through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a winter of long nights to be spent alone, are you just going to wing it on election day? Maybe if you want it to go like your life has so far, you can, but the golden rule of suicide is to remember "You can only do it once", unless you are a coward who was never serious about it, probably even cut horizontally, because you're weak.


The most common method of [successful] suicides are firearms, unless you live in China where you have to scarf down pesticides because you can't even fall anymore because of suicide prevention nets. Where to shoot? Ask yourself that! In a Seinfeld voice now! Well, if you are drunk and horny like Van Gogh was you would shoot yourself in the stomach and take three days to die from your wound, sepsis will probably be involved. Heart and head are the place to be, possibly with an engraved firearm minted just for this purpose, for pizzazz. If you have to use a shotgun, slugs, not pellets, and maybe wrap yourself in your causes flag first, a sentimental suicide, is a good suicide.
No valuables to stain or property to stigmatize. Check. Surrounded by natural beauty that will give you the strength to do it. Check. Flag. Check. Strategically located so you will be found by a picnicking family that will never be the same. Check


When you choose hanging, you are advertising yourself, tell a story

So you have decided to forgo a warriors death for that of a common criminals, that's fine, your hand probably wasn't steady enough. Important thing to remember, between the beginning of the suffocation to the point of unconsciousness you are probably going to have second thoughts, and at times like those its especially important to remember how much everyone is going to miss you, and wish they had treated-you/voted, differently.


This is like hanging, without a rope, and with a monumental chair, so it's not like hanging. Your body will probably get torn up or it wont work and you'll be an angry suicidal paraplegic with confidence issues, @#$% this is like high school all over again without the false hope of a growth spurt.


Frankly, at this point I am questioning your commitment to offing yourself when candidate X is elected! Fine, just, whenever something warns you against something, do it, eventually something will stick.

Lastly, if you choose not to kill yourself, like you promised EVERYONE you would do, and we  will all call you a coward for chickening out, and you will never live it down, but OK. You can join a cult to find meaning and avoid the fallout from the two party system, or take up a heroin addiction like so many fashionable youngsters are doing these days, or perhaps, if you are sure you don't want to kill yourself, or even live so dangerously that death can be expected, there is always Canada.

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