The time Fred Rogers told "Everyone, and everybody, go @#$% yourself", before congress

On May 1st 1969, a then young, and sexy, Fred Rogers described hist patented approach to televised children's' education, earning PBS a cool 13 million. You know this because the video has been posted ad naseum, on every form of media, from youtube, to underground vinyl and magnetic tape available through "The Pipe-Lien" a popular music and loansharking service, and because of its deep resonance, and simple beauty, and  you may also have heard about it because of our current President threatening PBS funding.

Now, Fred Rogers is a kind gentle man who encourages children to use their imagination and kindness to overcome life's tough problems, but for a brief periods from 1981 till 1985, he also liked cocaine and whiskey. Unfortunately, cocaine, whiskey and children's television mix real nice, and Fred Rogers got a lot of ideas, and decided to share them with congress. After a shirtless tussle with Pat Buchanan on NBC Radio and personally threatening Strom Thurmond, DC police were alerted, and the wily TV personality decided to barricade himself in congress until his confusing and rambling demands were met.

What did Fred Rogers like more than whiskey, cocaine, masturbating, and puppets? All four at once, which is how he described congress 

In soiled undergarments carrying a handle of Jim Beam and a Colt .45 revolver, the disheveled icon made his case before a terrified congress, in the dark, as hostage negotiators had cut the power after he had paraded a nude and shaven Tip O'niell  before the C-Span Camera's. From the disarmament of all Caucasian males of all nationalities, to a busing arrangement to fix the middle east,  having the UN replaced with representative puppets, working to uplift apes into sentience, to 30 million dollars and a helicopter. Though as he came down from the cocaine, whiskey, and adrenaline, he became less concerned with fulfilling his jeremiad, as helping the various politicians and staffers deal with their emotions in a tense and upsetting situation.

Three days later, by mutual consent of congress and Mr. Rogers, because they all learned something important about themselves, community, and friendship, that they would practice forgiveness and put it all behind them. Despite the incidents violent and addled origins it would be a shame to sully the reputation of Mr. Rogers, and many had shared details they wished Mr. Rogers would forget, so in return for his silence he was allowed to go back to PBS, and the entire incident was erased from the public record by an act of congress, shadow congress, and the Genie that anoints the President to consummate their inauguration. 

While no "official" record of this incident has survived, various monastic orders are racing to compile and write down the oral record of the songs, dances, and puppet shows that have kept alive the memory of Mr. Rogers 1984 takeover of congress. Additionally, in his underground memoirs, printed in New York basements on antiquated machines, says that much of his 9/11 material Mr. Rogers used was actually formulated while working with congress to address what was really bothering them, not during the events of 9/11 itself, though it is unknown if these are the actual words of Mr. Rogers, or those of the elderly Junkie who runs the presses.

Crappy Santa made a comeback in 2017

Here a Danish "Crappy Santa", circa 1864, Copenhagen, can be seen handing out 2nd hand , and age inappropriate, toys while smoking a "medley of herbs from the new world and orient"

Out of nowhere the "Crappy Santa" has been revived, like a Bum Santa in the morgue after a cold snap and a binge, the angst, turmoil, and frustration of 2017 has made the world more accepting and in need, of Crappy Santa's.

Crappy Vs Bad, Santa
The first and most important distinction that needs to be made, is that Crappy Santa's are actively trying to promote "The Holiday" to the best of their abilities, but they fail comically in the attempt, while a Bad Santa is more of an Anti-Santa wearing an unconvincing Santa costume, who flaunts the traditions and conventions of the season blasphemously, and publicly professes a humbug attitude, but he will probably come around to the holiday's true meaning by the actual day. Crappy Santa gets drunk accidentally on egg nog, leading them to drunkenly shares it with children, accidentally. Bad Santa gets drunk before a paid gig as Santa Claus, because, you know, everything is Bullshit. Bad Santa has been canonized in film, Crappy Santa is a common phenomenon, since corporations tend to hire all the Proper Santa's for the duration of the season, before culling 90% of their population and putting the other 10% "out to pasture", which is code for transport to P&G's arctic breeding facility, where the next generation of Capitalist Santa's are being born, leaving Crappy Santa's to increasingly represent the "True" spirit of the Holiday.

Attributes of a Crappy Santa
Basically, any fat, stupid man, preferably with a alcohol problem and a history of poor decision making, without a wife to act as a firewall on overtly shameful behavior. If the man is married, he must be unusually scrawny, with an overweight, overbearing wife, who will constantly insult and henpeck his attempts to fulfill the role of Santa, which will agitate his general anxiety into making increasingly comic mistakes, which his wife will mock mercilessness, leading to a shamed based comedy spiral. Lastly, if female, they need to be an overtly over the top lesbian, who likes to "shock" people with the "News" that she is a lesbian, preferably with an eating and drinking problem, and probably with 1 to 3 adopted children, depending on her apartment's cat population.

Role's of the Crappy Santa
While Santa is the Phylum, the subphyla would be Crappy, with it's own niche in the holiday, like a sexy female Santa, for places where wearing pant's makes that role superior to dressing up as sexy Mrs. Claus. A Crappy Santa must make those around him feel good about themselves for associating with a social entity on the margins during the holiday season, while laughing at his unintentional buffoonery, which subtly or bluntly reminds them of the true spirit of the season, which is, to say goodbye on the best possible terms, because who know who the winter will take.   The CS should earnestly attempt to be merry, oblivious to the mockery of those around him, of all ages, just enjoying the attention, though at some point the overwhelming cynicism towards this kindly idiot will get to them, they will cry, everyone will feel shame and a desire for an impossible redemption, which will be the emotional defibrillator the festivities needed, the dolt will once again become joyous, and everyone else can have their brain-balls tickled by the idea that they had a positive revelation.

So while we don't have some sort over the top awesome, Pax Britannia  Danish-Dutch style Saint Nick that is so awesome and beloved that their image can survive an association with a Krampus (whereas American, Capitalist, Coke-Cola themed Santa is too valuable as a marketing tool for such Northern European Madness), we do have an army of Crappy Santa's, smelling of an undiscerning mix of alcohols and finger foods, or sweat and fear if it is a married male, and brightening the December with their non-sentient attitude towards holiday spirit.

5 Ways your resume is scaring off employers

Most employers prefer Scott Bakula's work in "Quantum Leap"

1) Too man references to Star Trek: Enterprise - There is a 94% chance your boss is a humongous socially awkward nerd, and you will want to bond with him over sci-fi trivia and lore. Yet, you have to remember that and employer will be reading and analyzing hundreds, if not thousands of resumes and cover letters, and hearing about the way the Klingon's temporarily lost their ridges as a race for several decades, or why time wars have a legitimate place in the star trek canon, in every other engineers application, gets old fast. If one does have to mention Star Trek: Enterprise trivia to properly illustrate your worth as an employee, make sure to tie it to some behind the scenes facts, and weigh it out with DS9 Trivia and funny stories about Ferengies.



2) Displaying your genitals, as a power move, before the 2nd interview - While displaying your genitals for sexual reasons is always frowned upon in the office place, baring ones genitals as a symbol of pack hierarchy and primacy is a necessary signalling behavior in our modern hyper-competitive workplace, and the world cost of ditching this process could cost in the billions.  So genital displays are here to stay, but that is not to say you should be whipping it out every-time you have to prove your bonafides. Gone are the days when a couple hastily taken Polaroids of a poorly lighted shaft and balls, or a glittterless vulva could be substituted for experience and education. Not to say you shouldn't display it like a Brazilian carnival once you get a call back, but it shouldn't be part of the resume.

3) Referencing your pen pal relationship with serial killers, and love of paraphilia - It doesn't matter if you knew the person before they were discovered to be  a serial killer, or if you think the interviewer/employer would really like some things if they would just give them a chance, weird sex and a friendly relationship with famous murderers can't officially be your best foot forward, and are off limits for your resume. While you might feel that society just has to many hang ups about right, wrong, consent, and what makes us human, and better than human, and it seems like everyone one else is tacitly on board with it, but they need time to see it in the context that is you before they can officially accept it, banana slug but plugs, Christmas cards from Dennis Rader, and all.

The idea that he "Gets you" doesn't make it better

4) Subliminally imprinting deviant thoughts through rhetorical hypnosis - Your resume is supposed to represent you, not bend anyone who reads it to your will, a will-less husk whose soul is now trapped behind unblinking eyes. While complete dominance might seem desirable to someone without empathy or remorse, in a cooperative enviroment overt displays of pseudo-science dominance is frowned upon, especially if those displays involve destroying friends and coworkers by the "New Guy". While the desire to assert dominance and toy with those who believe they might be more powerful than you, might feel overwhelming, compulsive, even obsessive, bite a lemon and leave it out of your resume, there will be time for games and toys later...

5) Including a scrapbook with pictures of missing people, including strange and disturbing souvenirs of unknown provenance - Whether or not you killed, captured, or otherwise had your way with those poor people, or had anything to do with their disappearance, or it's just a morbid art project you like showing people because it always gets a reaction, don't include it with your resume. While you might enjoy the thrill that terrifying another human being brings, the unease as the interviewer slowly realizes what connects each of the photographs, fear at what the strange mementos came from and mean, and what the photographs of rural or abandoned sites could signify. Sure there is no way anyone could prosecute based on it, and the G-d like thrill you feel when people peak behind your human mask, and then cringe in fear, is undeniable, but you need a job to fit in, right? And there is always the company Christmas party.

Whiskey Republic's "Word of the Year 2017"

This is Dumpster love, and millennials just can't get enough of it, this is not what we are talking about... 

After conducting grueling tests, studies, and subservient service to our nations famous and influential people through legal and illicit means, The Whiskey Republic word of the Year has been decided by a large margin, and the word is [drum roll]...Dumpsterfuck!!! A combination of Dumpsterfire, and clusterfuck, the crucible of 2017 has combined the terms into a single word which combines the figurative idea of shameless, shameful, public behavior , and the literal image of some sort of homeless orgy in piles of trash and filth, lit with trash can fires, and much of what has occurred in the public eye in the last year can be described as a monstrous dumpsterfuck.

The combination of mass peer surveillance through social media, smart phones, and people whose lives are so unfulfilling they become obsessed with the lives of other, has created a terrifying social Dumpsterfuck. A President who reaches new lows daily, and encourages everyone around him to be just as crappy as he is, too the democrats who refuse to dump identity politics and fill the vacuum of leadership, to the GOP congress which is just voting to secure their private sector golden parachute, our politics have become a giant dumpsterfuck. And those who work in homeless themed pornography, and homeless amateur pornography, which has exploded in popularity and availability as San Francisco housing prices increase, are dumspterfuckers.

So while 2017 has been pretty horrible, let us hope it is rock bottom, and not just a thick layer of clay like shit we will forever remain suspended in. Let us hope that next years "word of the year" isn't junkiewhoredumpsterfuck, or classgenocide, and realize we probably jinxed this year with our crappy attitude about 2016, it was no 1995, but it was certainly no Dumpsterfuck.