1/31/2018

NASA tells you how to safely view tonight's "Ragnarok Moon"

What is a Ragnarok Moon?
With interest high,  and chances of a singularity slim, NASA is doing everything it can to help the populace view a rare and terrifying "Ragnarok Moon". Called a Ragnarok moon, as it could theoretically herald the Fimbulwinter, a multiyear winter of complete darkness, endless battles, that will be a prelude to the climactic fight between the elemental powers of the universe, which will end in utter destruction, but NASA says, due to the alignment of the planets, constellations, and the sparsity of Loki sighting, it is highly unlikely.

Is a Ragnarok Moon safe to view?
That said, NASA wants to make sure everyone understands that, like with viewing a Solar eclipse, to view it safely, requires several precautions. As the Ragnarok Moon represents an alignment of the planes encompassed by the world tree Yggdrasil, one can expect high tides due to increased activity of the Midgard serpent, so expect coastal flooding, as well as the death of cowards, and circumpolar wolf activity, as the children of Loki yearn for his return. While those born without souls, or who have so tarnished their souls with this world that they could never enter Valhalla, can view the moon without succumbing to its effects, all other humans should only view it as reflected by a mirror

What are the symptoms of having viewed the Ragnarok Moon?
NASA adds that one should never look directly at the Ragnarok Moon and madness and compulsively gathering the fingernails of the dead, are the least of your worries. Children who view the moon, will be marked for capture by their cultures/ Religions version of a Bag-man, and attempts to save the child will only add to the collateral, before the disobedient child is inevitably taken, if the parents are atheists, CPS will do the job, NASA has assured the public. Adults who directly view the moon, and don't immediately go insane, will be seemingly unchanged, until people from their community start to go missing, and after many false accusations, and executions, the home of a once respected and loved individual, will be revealed as a house of horrors. Lastly, it was believed that the elderly who viewed the Ragnarok moon would commit spontaneous Attestupa, but NASA believes that was a myth perpetrated by Nordic nations to commit senicide to help grease their social welfare system. The non-Scandinavian scientific community is split on whether the elderly can view the moon directly without issue, or if they are more likely to turn to cannibalism if they do.   

How to prepare for viewing the Ragnarok moon
First of all, all mirrors must use silver as the reflective surface, other materials, polymers and gold will still reflect the mind bending rays of the moon into your soul and mind, but in a strange and distorted way, which NASA asserts might be even worse than viewing it directly. On the other hand, using a silver backed reflective telescope, the viewer might see something like this:

This sketch by Johann Galle, depicts what he saw while viewing the Ragnarok Moon in the winter of 1860 at the Breslau Observatory 
It is also suggested that one brings burlap sacks to cover the faces of children, as it is better to have a sack on your head for a couple hours, then spend a perceived eternity in one, till being sold to a terrifying master, because you couldn't keep your eyes shut. NASA added, that if it thought people would listen they would suggest everyone spend the night watching netflix in the basement with loved ones till the danger has passed, but who would listen?

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