5 Ways to resolve the NFL protests

The fans weren't sure if they were protesting, or saluting, and they didn't much care

1)  A choreographed dance number to a different piece of Patriotic music - Americans can't stand quiet kneeling, who can, its preachy, passive, and most importantly, boring. No one watches sports to see people take a knee, if it was any other portion of the game, a goofy mascot would provide a sideshow for the less politically inclined shirtless painted guy who is already three beers and two hot dogs into a "life affirming" ritual. Instead of being comforting, patriotic, set to British drinking song to mock their thin skinned effete sensibilities and love of ceremony, there is an eerie reminder that the fight for liberty and equality is an eternal struggle against our worst selves. Instead I offer options for delightful patriotic displays to contrast with National Anthem that don't clash with its themes of casual violence and tumescent spectacle. From "The Stars and Stripes Forever" blaring from Bison with  sound systems strapped to their backs, which will spook the animals into galloping across the fields, or perhaps drowning out the national anthem with the protesting players singing "Yankee Doodle", while setting off fire works. Quiet dignity is great for quiet times, behind closed doors, close family and friends, and that crazy asshole from the bar that talks like Trump, but not at the most spectacular thing most of us can ever be a part of, as close to Mad Max as most of us are willing to get. So go big, or stand up and pretend to mumble the words!

2) Have a player beat a dirty cop to death before the coin toss - Football, as it is played by the NFL, is soft-core bloodsports, its controlled violence that we all watch (and will pay a premium for a live viewing of) hoping things will get out of control, and if nobody does get hurt, or hurt enough, on the field, we can expect riots. Violence wise, football is the closest most of us can get to rubbing our violence nub without fines or jailtime. So lets kill two birds with one stone, and get the fans' juices' percolating, prevents rioting due to collective blue-balls, and get some of that sweet social justice everyone keeps talking about. A championed player chosen by consensus, in full team regalia, to beat a dirty cop, not unconscious, not to the edge, or to actual, death, but until his teammates have to pull him off of the mutilated pile of ground beef that used to be Officer So & So, of whoever's finest, before they broke the laws they were supposed to uphold, Oh, I am getting brain gasims just outlining it. We would have the dirty cop chosen by one egg being placed in the jar for every cop who is doing time for using their position to commit a crime, with one egg being black, and each dirty cop would pick an egg while blindfolded, until the black egg is chosen, who will be given a rats-ass of a chance in a fight against an athletic behemoth in padding. Honestly, I thinks this little addition could become more popular than the original game.

3) Wear Trump masks with cock and balls drawn onto both sides of the face, while standing for the national anthem - Let it be know, that your fight isn't with this nation and its people, but instead by an "Eat @#$% and Die" mentality of a certain segment of this country, towards other segments of this nation, that have been championed in a flamboyant way that hasn't been seen in at least half a century,  by Trump, so let us focus.  First of all, to the players, this in no way implies that you enjoy anonymously sucking cock, but instead that it is the President who enjoys that specific past-time, and if your pride still will not let you don this mask, for equality, then you were never that committed to begin with. To the fans, they're standing now! Are you happy? If not, you are being entirely unreasonable, the players are standing shoulder to shoulder with America, while quietly, hilariously, and spectacularly spoofing a symbol of what is cancerous in the American spirit. Lastly, to the owners, before you say it is never going happen, let me say, Merchandise, and when you try to counter, I will just keep shouting "Merchandise!", for Merica! While the original masks  will be hand made, and purchased by the players, the owners could put out versions with the teams color, with classic cock and balls illustrations, the R. Crumb is a favorite, while the Warhol is more gouche than the Gouche. Of course the cry of partisan Trump fans, to be "fair", will have to be met with a cock-and-balls Obama mask, and, I think, seeing Obama and Trump, drunkenly making out, with cock and balls pixelated out, on the kiss-cam, is the healing this nation needs. 

4) Releasing bees during the national Anthem - Alright, you are a patriotic, but how patriotic? If your patriotism is so great,  that players can't protest an important issue effecting their community during one of their few chances to publicly make a stand, you should be able to do it, covered in bees. It's time to put up, or shut up, is the singing of the national anthem a litmus test of ones patriotism or not? Because a lot of Americans have put up with a lot more than bees (and the smoke required to clear out the bees after the national anthem), so we can have the freedoms we enjoy today, and many of them were protesters. So, if this tabernacle of the tackle is too holy for a political protest, show it with bees, and the NFL will be marketing team themed bee kits for the patriotic home viewer. 

5) More Cheerleaders - Nuff said

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