Trump Advocates placing all Muslims & Mexicans in giant specimen jars

They will only be getting the best bio-feed available

From the prow of his Zeppelin Candidate Trump doubled down on his plan to take all Muslims and rapist criminal mexicans, place them in a nutrient rich bath, keep an eye on them, and confiscate their property to pay for it. While both parties agreed his statement was beyond the pale, they were forced to scatter when Trump released his privateers on the gathered reporters, politicians and protesters before riding a column of them down from his chariot, allowing his hounds to feast on their remains.

You're holding that baby wrong! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL IT!

Naww! Just kidding, the Tesco baby is fine

Now that I have your attention...sex! The Australian Sex Party is filling an official complaint against Senator Nick Xenophon, whose service & love for Sparta are legendary and mutual, over his official banner, which is very similar to the battle flag of the Sex faction. Well not the Sex parties flag, but the word sex itself, because it has an X in it, and that letter sounds like that sound because it uses that letter of the alphabet, and the sexists want him to stop confusing people and just give it up and put out. While no one is asking this, one must wonder why Xenophon can't just make his banner using the Greek alphabet's "Xi" symbol, or why the Sex party wouldn't want to go all the way and put a cartoonish depiction of sex in a bed with graphics around a lumpy blanket indicating  strenuous fornication? Or why the fact that a letter sounding like a word would confuse adult citizens? Or if these two groups just fabricated his whole thing for publicity.

5 Unmistakable signs you need to flee your job

1) Your boss requires you to eat hearty meals of maize and barely for several weeks after being hired, as well as regular comments about your "Beautiful hams". Then being invited to the company's oak groves and pastures for a two week team building survival retreat where employee will be forced to survive on a diet of grass, herbs, acorns and roots, followed by a steady diet of olives and acorns, followed by a vacation, and being regularly referred to as the "The meat"? It might just be time to flee your job.

The Office's recycling program at work

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2) An overtly rapey vibe, if you have to tell people to get that out of your face more than 5 times a day and pants optional Friday's are observed, it might just be time to flee your job.

Commenting on the use of your "assets" for company "business" is not normal water cooler small talk

3)If there are cold spots, flickering lights, whispering voices, phantasmal flies, bleeding walls, objects moving seemingly of their own volition, conversations with co-workers who it turns out committed suicide in the supply closet a decade ago, and a bat winged demon bellowing for you to "Get Out!"? It might just be time to flee your job.

If the overwhelming sense of dread isn't enough reason, flee from the dangerous levels of mold, dust and rodent feces

4) Bees, just bees, pretty freaky in an enclosed spaces, should probably flee sooner rather than later, wait for the issue with the bees to be resolved, can't be expected to work around bees' ,unless you work in an apiary.

Maybe we shouldn't have been playing catch in the office, but who thought this was a good idea?

5) If your job is located in a failed state? Or Detroit? Its time to flee.

US to hold prisoners indefinately

"Just tell me you did it and I will let go"

As part of Obama's attempt to bring compassion into the criminal justice system the President has authorized Police, FBI Agents and any other officers of the Law, to hold a suspect or prisoner in a snug, but loving, embrace as long as the officer deems necessary. While the initiative was meant to give those with in the power of the law a sense of deep connection and warmth with those charged with their care, many prisoner rights groups say this new power is already being abused. Many officers have been using the extreme discomfort caused by a strange authority figure holding you in a loving embrace while his partner trains his service weapon on you as the officer sways back and forth mumbling in ecstasy about how much he needed this, to elicit confessions and turn informants.