5 Ways your resume is scaring off employers

Most employers prefer Scott Bakula's work in "Quantum Leap"

1) Too man references to Star Trek: Enterprise - There is a 94% chance your boss is a humongous socially awkward nerd, and you will want to bond with him over sci-fi trivia and lore. Yet, you have to remember that and employer will be reading and analyzing hundreds, if not thousands of resumes and cover letters, and hearing about the way the Klingon's temporarily lost their ridges as a race for several decades, or why time wars have a legitimate place in the star trek canon, in every other engineers application, gets old fast. If one does have to mention Star Trek: Enterprise trivia to properly illustrate your worth as an employee, make sure to tie it to some behind the scenes facts, and weigh it out with DS9 Trivia and funny stories about Ferengies.



2) Displaying your genitals, as a power move, before the 2nd interview - While displaying your genitals for sexual reasons is always frowned upon in the office place, baring ones genitals as a symbol of pack hierarchy and primacy is a necessary signalling behavior in our modern hyper-competitive workplace, and the world cost of ditching this process could cost in the billions.  So genital displays are here to stay, but that is not to say you should be whipping it out every-time you have to prove your bonafides. Gone are the days when a couple hastily taken Polaroids of a poorly lighted shaft and balls, or a glittterless vulva could be substituted for experience and education. Not to say you shouldn't display it like a Brazilian carnival once you get a call back, but it shouldn't be part of the resume.

3) Referencing your pen pal relationship with serial killers, and love of paraphilia - It doesn't matter if you knew the person before they were discovered to be  a serial killer, or if you think the interviewer/employer would really like some things if they would just give them a chance, weird sex and a friendly relationship with famous murderers can't officially be your best foot forward, and are off limits for your resume. While you might feel that society just has to many hang ups about right, wrong, consent, and what makes us human, and better than human, and it seems like everyone one else is tacitly on board with it, but they need time to see it in the context that is you before they can officially accept it, banana slug but plugs, Christmas cards from Dennis Rader, and all.

The idea that he "Gets you" doesn't make it better

4) Subliminally imprinting deviant thoughts through rhetorical hypnosis - Your resume is supposed to represent you, not bend anyone who reads it to your will, a will-less husk whose soul is now trapped behind unblinking eyes. While complete dominance might seem desirable to someone without empathy or remorse, in a cooperative enviroment overt displays of pseudo-science dominance is frowned upon, especially if those displays involve destroying friends and coworkers by the "New Guy". While the desire to assert dominance and toy with those who believe they might be more powerful than you, might feel overwhelming, compulsive, even obsessive, bite a lemon and leave it out of your resume, there will be time for games and toys later...

5) Including a scrapbook with pictures of missing people, including strange and disturbing souvenirs of unknown provenance - Whether or not you killed, captured, or otherwise had your way with those poor people, or had anything to do with their disappearance, or it's just a morbid art project you like showing people because it always gets a reaction, don't include it with your resume. While you might enjoy the thrill that terrifying another human being brings, the unease as the interviewer slowly realizes what connects each of the photographs, fear at what the strange mementos came from and mean, and what the photographs of rural or abandoned sites could signify. Sure there is no way anyone could prosecute based on it, and the G-d like thrill you feel when people peak behind your human mask, and then cringe in fear, is undeniable, but you need a job to fit in, right? And there is always the company Christmas party.

Whiskey Republic's "Word of the Year 2017"

This is Dumpster love, and millennials just can't get enough of it, this is not what we are talking about... 

After conducting grueling tests, studies, and subservient service to our nations famous and influential people through legal and illicit means, The Whiskey Republic word of the Year has been decided by a large margin, and the word is [drum roll]...Dumpsterfuck!!! A combination of Dumpsterfire, and clusterfuck, the crucible of 2017 has combined the terms into a single word which combines the figurative idea of shameless, shameful, public behavior , and the literal image of some sort of homeless orgy in piles of trash and filth, lit with trash can fires, and much of what has occurred in the public eye in the last year can be described as a monstrous dumpsterfuck.

The combination of mass peer surveillance through social media, smart phones, and people whose lives are so unfulfilling they become obsessed with the lives of other, has created a terrifying social Dumpsterfuck. A President who reaches new lows daily, and encourages everyone around him to be just as crappy as he is, too the democrats who refuse to dump identity politics and fill the vacuum of leadership, to the GOP congress which is just voting to secure their private sector golden parachute, our politics have become a giant dumpsterfuck. And those who work in homeless themed pornography, and homeless amateur pornography, which has exploded in popularity and availability as San Francisco housing prices increase, are dumspterfuckers.

So while 2017 has been pretty horrible, let us hope it is rock bottom, and not just a thick layer of clay like shit we will forever remain suspended in. Let us hope that next years "word of the year" isn't junkiewhoredumpsterfuck, or classgenocide, and realize we probably jinxed this year with our crappy attitude about 2016, it was no 1995, but it was certainly no Dumpsterfuck.

 

Trump ruins a child's birthday party

Not again

Donald Trump was rushed from a residential home engulfed in flames after twitter spat with a suburban Soccer mom predictably spiraled out of control, and left a birthday boy and his family homeless. It also turns out that the President has used children's parties to settle many scores in his personal, political and businesses life, but has used mountains of hush money, private investigator, and one very unsettling calm psychopath, to keep this fact from the media and law. Furthermore, immediately after being escorted from the property by secret service, the President Tweeted:

"Dillans mom is a whore, all I added was that she would probably enjoy being raped by a Mexican on account of her husband, I defended myself, if you call me an @$$hole, I set fire to your child's BP, and impede the arrival of the fire dept with my motorcade, god bless  #MAGA  "

It should be noted, Arnoldo, Dillan's father, is Puerto Rican, and a very gentle human being, and that even as the fire was being put out Trump stuck around to encourage people to crap on the Jimenez's lawn, and "if they have balls" to beat their pets to death, tweeting a gif of a dog being beaten to death from a banned Czech pet snuff site, that had been archived on "Alt-Right Nazi Nation", which the president reads for unspecified context.

While the racist name calling and bald allusions to rape after an obvious attempt to intimidate a suburban mom by showing up at her child's birthday party to insist on a boxing match with her 7-year old son, this reporter would like to take a moment to focus on the 7-Year old Dillan Jimenez, who defeated a 71 year old man, standing at 6 foot 2 inches, in under a minute, and we were able to get this written response from Dillan:

" I really liked beating up the President, he is a jerk who tries to make my mom cry, and then he did set our house on fire while he was crying after we fought, but I got to punch him a lot of times, in his balls, in his face, his throat, and kidney's, after a little bit my mom made me stop punching him. I wish I was still punching him, and I could punch him as long as I like, even if he got a few in I would still enjoy punching him, and even though he burned all my birthday presents, I got to punch the President! When I grow up I might be a boxer, but I don't know if I like punching people who aren't Trump, but if I do become a boxer, I will be a famous one, because I already beat up the President."

The statement was included with a crayon picture of Dillan kicking Trump while he is curled up on the ground crying, while Dillan's house burns in the background.

Happy Albanian Independence Day!

105 Years of Albanian Independence (as Independent as you can be in the Balkans) All Hail Zog!!!

(Albanian time, several hours in the future...)Whether you are Gheg, a Tosk, or some freaky Croatian Arbanasi tubing down the Shkumbin,  its time to celebrate Albanian Independence, so throw on some Iso-Polyphonic Albanian tunes, hoist an effeminate European style glass of Rakia and shout out "You Albania, give me honor, give me the name Albanian", which I am sure makes more sense in Albanian. Whether it's the nations surprisingly diverse flora, fauna, or its large indigenous population of cannibalistic gypsies, Albania and its wacky history have something for everyone, especially professional kidnappers.

Visitors can tour one of the nations many scenic soviet era bunkers, all hail Hoxha!

While the Nation had a weird relationship with fascist Italy, had a King Zog, and a First Secretary Hoxha running their country, they aren't as different from you and me as you might think, or want to believe. Sure they get 95% of their energy for Dams run by former bond villains, their primary Christmas character is Kallinkantzaros (Pronounced "Who-the-fuck-cares") a cloven foot demon who haunts the twelve days of Christmas, and and their surprisingly late in the game founding myths, but they are still one Holiday Special away from 21st Century normal...almost anything is.

A proud Illyrian spreading her wings 

Alright, so lets address the elephant in the Room, the only reason we aren't celebrating Albanian Independence day as that absolute opposite of 9/11, drunkenly, wildly, streaking through our work place wearing nothing but a plastic goat mask, with a shotgun, firing rock salt rounds into cubicles while singing the Albanian national anthem, Albanophobia, the only sensible conclusion the world can come to. While most people in the field of deep Albanian research, the kind that live in monastery like vaults meant to perpetuate an especially pristine niche form of knowledge, even if your castle/village/nation is ravaged by supernatural horrors, or Serbians, they are pretty interchangeable, have come to the conclusion that albanophobia, once  relegated to the greasy, sleazy, yet significant, portion of Greeks and I-Talians, has gone mainstream, with many college campuses actively participating in "Punch an Albanian Day", which resulted in many fruitless searches for Albanians to lynch (as in mob vigilante justice, its not just hangings), they just decided to go look for Zionists down at the Hillel house.

Your Albanian mother would like you to stop arguing and eat, because they are mothers, and they worked really hard on this dinner 

So whether your celebrating Albanian Independence Day as a shit stained thumb in the eye of Albanophobes everywhere, but especially in Greece, Italy, and most importantly, Serbia, or to rise up our Kosovo brothers, or perhaps just maybe, we can try and build a new Albanopolis on a hill, a new compact, like the current Albanian Constitution which was also ratified on November 28th, probably for propaganda purposes, but more spiritual and less of a response to a switch from communism to capitalism, that would cool. In short, happy 105th Albanian Independence Day, even though you were occupied by Italians during WWII.