"Carry on my Wayward Son" Useless says CIA Interrogators

Whether it is Negan breaking Daryl, and Eugene is tapping his toes to later with Easy Street by the Collapsible Hearts Club, or Dominique driving the sane mad, and calming the insane in American Horror Story: Asylum, music which so often provides solace and strength becomes a grating hell, which destroys soul and self. Of course there  are the CIA's documented use of songs from Sesame Street and Barney and Friends,  Down to my own personal "pet" project set to The Muppet's "Life's a Happy Song",  played loud enough to blot out the screams, I don't want to spoil the surprise, but let's just say it's going to be something.

"Stuck in the Middle With You" Is more of a torture song than an interrogation one

Yet, Deputy Director of the National Clandestine Services Greg Vogel, probably an alias for a much cooler name like Max Rostrum or Hugh Debonair, has reported that, despite exhaustive clandestine studies, and practical experience, it has been proven the Kansas's Opus and Guitar Hero favorite "Carry Onward my Wayward Son" can not break the human spirit under any circumstances. In fact, the song can only strengthen ones will to resist, and prisoners have been witnessed air-guitaring with their hands under restraints, while being electrocuted and/or waterboarded, along with the song.


Deputy Director Vogel went onto explain that " Whether it is the uplifting instrumentals, the story of a misunderstood character on a divine, heaven bound quest resonating with prisoners, or their joyous synergy, the song just inspires endlessly, regardless of the method of transmission, or number of repetitions", while also clarifying that I can't just refer to him as Klaus Von Titan.


Klaus continued by saying " We had previously thought the Foreigners "Juke Box Hero" and The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes" had similar properties, until we pumped subjects full of 400 ug's of LSD, and sent them through a maze of mirrors lit with disco lights, and a tandem fog/bubble generator running full blast, especially if we have childhood home videos to project through the mist."  Noting that experiments, and free-form interrogations carried out by psychopathic agents, soldiers, mercenaries, and thugs on the run, who managed to get a few minutes alone with a subject, are ongoing.

5 Unpopular opinions for the Trump era

Welcome to future savages!

1) Too Many Babies- These days, everyone's got one, older and younger parents then ever before, but each and everyone of those monkey larvae is pissing and shitting their pants, puking everywhere, and screaming when they shouldn't, and there is no reason they shouldn't spend this awkward period in an alpine facilities far away from normal humans. Ever since people have tried subjecting themselves and others to to the socialist experiment, and socialist child-rearing has been attempted, and monumentally successful, at raising resentful children who will swear never to subject their children to the same, but now we got robots.  Our automated facilities will provide universal care in the darkest, most sterile, care facility of its kind not meant to store and slaughter livestock, though we are not saying that Temple Grandin wasn't involved.  From birth till their 18 month birthday they will be brought up in a grossly utilitarian fashion that will be mandatory, to avoid "privilege".


2) Why are there so many congressmen? - I am not saying we kill them all, unless their is support for that (PM me), or even do away with representative democracy, entirely, but think how much we could save if we culled it down to a bakers dozen of Senators, and one Congressmen, whoever survives the battle royal, but we still elect 400+ representatives every 2-years, to make the corn grow, and each Senator, or his supporters, must directly finance one elite  legion of super patriots for our ever expanding "frontier", and two bottles of Jamaican rum for every citizen.

It's all glue to me

3) Horse glue is the best - Horses are strong beautiful creatures, with obvious intelligence and expressive eyes, and when I join two pieces of paper, I like to A) Be entirely nude, with an audience, and B) Know that a highly evolved, social animal, was pulverized to make it, as I clumsily spill it all over myself, I do get so sticky. All deviance aside, it is just better.


4) Proportional responses are for the weak - There, I said it, and anyone and everyone who disagrees is also weak, and their opinions rendered worthless because of that weakness. Be forewarned, if you try to use logic I will headbutt you, you bring a knife to a fight, I bar the exits and set the building on fire, you make a joke about my mom, I cut out your tongue, fill your mouth with my @#$% and staple it closed, get the idea?! I don't do this because I want to, but if I don't it will be done to me, we are in a survival universe, and whether it is cruel or comforting depends what end of the fork you are on, an endless game of dominance I will not lose. So next time you tell me to calm  down, instead of expecting a response, calmly back out of the room while maintaining eye contact, because, otherwise, the scenario ends in a hospital, a prison, or both.
  
5) I'm not angry, you're angry 

Top 5, 3 most underappreciated, and 2 dangling Whiskey Republic Posts of 2017

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Top 5 posts of 2017 (By page views)
1) Happy Albanian Independence day! - Hey, how do you invite someone into the family, who is also a proud Albanian, write an article based on a quick reading of Wikipedia on the subject Albania, for Albanian Independence day.


2) Fozzie Bear "allegedly" sexually assaulted over 30 - It wouldn't be 2017 without a #metoo story, and Gonzo's basement is far too depressing for this publication, so of course everyone's favorite Patsy took the hit for the team (They all have skeletons in their closets... which become animated, joke, and sing when the door is opened).


3) Trump isn't Hitler he is King George the III - In the wake of Trumps surprise victory using a core of a hillbilly supporters and a new form of media, and he has been pretty despised from the get go, so everyone threw out all the other crayon colors of despotism and tyranny and went straight to "Super Dark Goth German Hitler Blackish Grey like Hell", and didn't even care to color within the lines. While Trump is super despicable, both as a human, and as first citizen, he is a ignorant, spineless weakling who is all bluster and petty nationalism, and not to ride the fuehrers cock but the man was a veteran who was jailed for his political beliefs, with a well thought out  (though evil) program for Germany, and whose nationalism was anything but petty (I repeat, anything). Trump is like the original American boogeyman, King George the III, in almost every way. He is so wealthy that he can not relate to the problems of everyday Americans, but not so rich as to be able to act independently and/or in a visionary way. He promotes a nationalism gerrymandered for his base, that will inevitably lead to conflict with everyone else. He has a habit of speaking and acting in a deranged manner and only seems good at procreating and stamping his name on things (Same thing, amiright?).


4) Rabbi X Ride's again! - It was fun to catch up with an old character back from the days when The Senator and The Cardinal shared an apartment in Washington Heights.


5) Trump Secretly Consumes Pardoned Turkeys - Hey, what won't that man do!? In season 1 of  "The Adventures of President Drunk-Uncle" Trump has insulted everyone and anything that doesn't agree with him, and regularly blundered into unpresidential territory, and, oh no, he has discovered a new presidential fetish.



3 Most Underappreciated - There are no bad Whiskey Republic posts, some are not meant for all viewers, others are acts of personal catharsis, while others are amazing, funny, and all they lacked was an audience willing to give them a honest chance. Here are the 3 wallflowers at the prom I stand by, and not in a creepy Roy Moore way. Also, looking at them now, long headlines might have been an issue.

1) Putin hopes to influence the USA through the use of "American Spring Break" - I do have to admit, reading the picture quotes in a comically Russian Putin voice is part of what endeared this to me, but Russia trying to quietly subvert our democracy using banal American institutions is still a timely and important issue.

2) Nation Rallies behind "Spider Moms", many picked off and cocooned in their silk- Hey, ever hear of "Baltimommies"? No? Than you are lucky, mom fads are just the worst because the whole family suffers, and NO! I'm not bitter.

3) In a rare, candid moment, Bill Clinton admits Donald Trump is his fault - Basically Bill being Bill explaining that his characteristically flaunting the moral conventions of the presidency paved the way for President Trump, while receiving fellatio from a Chinese agent.



2 Danglers - Some of last years favorites just wouldn't give up the ghost in 2017, here are the two posts from last year which more than doubled their viewership in 2017.

1) The true meaning of Hanukkah - The true meaning Hanukkah is religious purity and warfare. Period.
2) Hillary Clinton suffering from chronic implosive diarrhea - Something about describing Hillary Clinton completely saturated with her own shit really connected with readers.

The time Fred Rogers told "Everyone, and everybody, go @#$% yourself", before congress

On May 1st 1969, a then young, and sexy, Fred Rogers described hist patented approach to televised children's' education, earning PBS a cool 13 million. You know this because the video has been posted ad naseum, on every form of media, from youtube, to underground vinyl and magnetic tape available through "The Pipe-Lien" a popular music and loansharking service, and because of its deep resonance, and simple beauty, and  you may also have heard about it because of our current President threatening PBS funding.

Now, Fred Rogers is a kind gentle man who encourages children to use their imagination and kindness to overcome life's tough problems, but for a brief periods from 1981 till 1985, he also liked cocaine and whiskey. Unfortunately, cocaine, whiskey and children's television mix real nice, and Fred Rogers got a lot of ideas, and decided to share them with congress. After a shirtless tussle with Pat Buchanan on NBC Radio and personally threatening Strom Thurmond, DC police were alerted, and the wily TV personality decided to barricade himself in congress until his confusing and rambling demands were met.

What did Fred Rogers like more than whiskey, cocaine, masturbating, and puppets? All four at once, which is how he described congress 

In soiled undergarments carrying a handle of Jim Beam and a Colt .45 revolver, the disheveled icon made his case before a terrified congress, in the dark, as hostage negotiators had cut the power after he had paraded a nude and shaven Tip O'niell  before the C-Span Camera's. From the disarmament of all Caucasian males of all nationalities, to a busing arrangement to fix the middle east,  having the UN replaced with representative puppets, working to uplift apes into sentience, to 30 million dollars and a helicopter. Though as he came down from the cocaine, whiskey, and adrenaline, he became less concerned with fulfilling his jeremiad, as helping the various politicians and staffers deal with their emotions in a tense and upsetting situation.

Three days later, by mutual consent of congress and Mr. Rogers, because they all learned something important about themselves, community, and friendship, that they would practice forgiveness and put it all behind them. Despite the incidents violent and addled origins it would be a shame to sully the reputation of Mr. Rogers, and many had shared details they wished Mr. Rogers would forget, so in return for his silence he was allowed to go back to PBS, and the entire incident was erased from the public record by an act of congress, shadow congress, and the Genie that anoints the President to consummate their inauguration. 

While no "official" record of this incident has survived, various monastic orders are racing to compile and write down the oral record of the songs, dances, and puppet shows that have kept alive the memory of Mr. Rogers 1984 takeover of congress. Additionally, in his underground memoirs, printed in New York basements on antiquated machines, says that much of his 9/11 material Mr. Rogers used was actually formulated while working with congress to address what was really bothering them, not during the events of 9/11 itself, though it is unknown if these are the actual words of Mr. Rogers, or those of the elderly Junkie who runs the presses.