Whatever the musings of mad ole Abdul, spooky reed infested eastern European rivers or even the stoning of random victims to enhance the quality of corn pale in comparison to what I am about to tell you, something whose inalienable reality will shatter the reader's mind making all you have ever ‘known’ false and the myth’s and tales you dismissed as wild fantasy…well those might well remain as such, people have creepy imaginations filled with teenage cheer leading vampires and alternate realities which defy even the extensive realities of infinite time, though this my friends is a tale to be told.
December 21st in the year of your lord 2012 a lowly grease monkey by the name Renyold C. Macantire drunkenly fiddled with his vintage Delorean DMC-12, none of that non-vintage Texas based crap, after having left Ohio State University in disgrace and solitude. Not so much laughed out of the University as having failed to keep his GPA up to their ‘academic’ standards due to his irrationally successful canonization of the sacred fraternity of “Tappa Tappa Keg.”
Once believed to be nothing more than an excuse to drink beer and enjoy the collateral effects of women with low tolerance drinking beer he proved beyond any empirical doubt that the whole basis of the fraternity system relied on the sacred order of Tappa Tappa Keg when the order itself was imported from the bohemian classes of primordial Egypt to the fertile and party loving Aegean shores from which such educational orders have sprung. After the Athenian defeat to Spartan Militarism, and TTK’s eminently sensible attitude of staying ahead of the curb in the face of Macedonian ascension they relocated to the German hinterland where their love of Barley and Hops inspired the Germanic peoples for centuries till their gothic descendants overran the decadent wine drinking peoples of the Roman Empire.
Unfortunately for you, the uninformed reader, I have been sworn to secrecy as far as the orders histories from 476 in the year of the 30 year old virgin till 1977 when the unrecorded visitation of the psychedelic group whose thankful attitude for fatality typifies their band, unleashed cosmic forces unknown to man at that time were recorded by none other than myself Blake Newberry in the inland port city of Cleveland Ohio.
With the native, though deceased, powers of American aboriginals released along with the sickeningly powerful emanations of American Rock mixed with the Shamanic resonance of psychedelic fuckupedness passed through the placental barrier to infuse the embryonic Renyold C. Macantire with mystic knowledge only known by a few wizened fading Beatniks who remained as the sole possessors of the ancient knowledge passed through the ages from the banks of the Nile to our present time, a new age/period/epoch/happy-go-lucky-funtime was born.
Unknown to myself who was dealing with my own Demons, literal ones, not some sort of literal device but an actual demon who haunted me and demanded attention so my concern over a mindfucked hippie princess was less than acute, sorry, that’s just how I role, began a domino like effect which would change history forever.
Born some eight months later in the provincial capital of Columbus Ohio Renyold’s life was bonded to the world of Rock and at times Roll with some supernal connection to Jazz, Blues and certain bastardized mixes of rhythm, gospel and soul music. While his youth and adolescence was amazingly interesting to the point of eclipsing any other coming of age story and setting the standard for ‘boy meets girl stories’ in the western world, I cannot mention it both because of his own wishes and due to the restrictive social requirements of the literary world, fuck you Ayn Rand I will form a collectivist socialist state whenever I damn well please. Women. Anyway…
So, post romantic entanglement (ie an abortion later) our man enrolled in good ole OSU, swearing an eternal hatred towards the cannibalistic, adultering, incest loving minions of Michigan State and the hubris of the estrogen fertilized, grade inflating foppishness of the Ivy League, as all good G-d fearing individuals might do, he became privy to such secret mysteries as he had always suspected, thanks to his ability to hold a cherry long enough to drop it in his drink with his butt cheeks, as the members of The One True fraternity have practiced since time immemorial, though bastardized versions of this initiations have permeated the Greek system, degrading such practices with substitutions like olives in Gin, and disgustingly lemon slices in Tom Collins by some fraternal orders, just because something is called a Cocktail doesn’t mean it should be demeaning, but in this case it applies. None the less the pure and ancient ritual almost forgotten, and relegated to a few uninformed campuses until the arrival and return of the high school graduate Renyold C. Macantire, was born anew.
The original name of the fraternity is unimportant, as are most things, lets face it life is pretty meaningless most of the time. What is important is what he learned from the charcoal prints lifted from ancient and destroyed Germanic rune he stole from the inebriated form of a wizened ex-Nazi professor whose grade wrecking ways left him little sympathy, achtung indeed mein furor, during that most Germanic of festivals in the month of October. From this source he was able to deduce the basis of social cohesion.
6/30/2009
To you crazy, enigmatic Russians…with Love!
Who the hell gave you the right! Of course as a G-d fearing American Family man I have a G-d given right to all that is mine, manifest destiny and all that Jazz, but you Russians? You are harsh breed running on a flammable mix of Class conflict, Vodka and strategic depth and trusting you with let’s say... The Ukraine, just for example, would be like trusting a starving cat with a lame mouse. How many nations greatest founding figure gets “the Terrible” deservedly in their title? Or have tried atheism as a national religion? Or defined a national strategy as let them invade the most fertile and populous portion of our country and then let the winter take care of them? None, that’s who, just you mother Russia in all your intense yet quick to fade beauty. Sure, we are like you in many ways, we go the whole sea to shiny sea thing going, though outside of the summer months could you really consider the Baltic shinning? And sure your society has traditionally had a democratic ting, though never in an ideological sense, more of a, to keep the competing factions from tearing each other’s throats out and then torching the opposing homesteads before we ourselves succumb to our wounds, kind of way.
Then again either Tartic or Native, we both realized the necessity of pacifying nomadic warlike tribes who we once feared, to further our national pride at the expense of their traditionally savage ways, yes, that’s an ethnic policy we can both agree on. Maybe it’s a Mongol thing, I can’t understand the Chinese for the life of me, just a upside down ant farm, maybe having someone able to rape 40,000 descendents into existence in three generations, conquer and subdue ones nation for almost three hundred years will have that effect on a national psyche, or maybe, just maybe you’re just a dark evil people, a primitive relic of our shared primordial Indo-European past like a Neanderthal Empire threatening our Cro-Magnon civilization, I think I saw a anime about that once and like a randy band of Shemale pirates attacking uptight and sexually repressed Japanese businessmen, high quality low frame rate animation is the highest form of chronological transcription, ah, History!
In short you are a enigma, and as Churchill put it, and yes you will be hearing a lot about him, the only key to your thinking is your blatant, blunt and uncomplicated national interests which seems to be centered around adding more buffer territory, planting more wheat and Potato’s and finding more ethnicities to further stratify your social hierarchy with. So let us camp out in some dismal sod hut, pop open a bottle of home distilled Vodka and fear impending Cossack raids together my friends and allow the horrible, feted, screaming waters of the past to flow under the bridge of our mutual distrust, my friend, my comrade.
Then again either Tartic or Native, we both realized the necessity of pacifying nomadic warlike tribes who we once feared, to further our national pride at the expense of their traditionally savage ways, yes, that’s an ethnic policy we can both agree on. Maybe it’s a Mongol thing, I can’t understand the Chinese for the life of me, just a upside down ant farm, maybe having someone able to rape 40,000 descendents into existence in three generations, conquer and subdue ones nation for almost three hundred years will have that effect on a national psyche, or maybe, just maybe you’re just a dark evil people, a primitive relic of our shared primordial Indo-European past like a Neanderthal Empire threatening our Cro-Magnon civilization, I think I saw a anime about that once and like a randy band of Shemale pirates attacking uptight and sexually repressed Japanese businessmen, high quality low frame rate animation is the highest form of chronological transcription, ah, History!
In short you are a enigma, and as Churchill put it, and yes you will be hearing a lot about him, the only key to your thinking is your blatant, blunt and uncomplicated national interests which seems to be centered around adding more buffer territory, planting more wheat and Potato’s and finding more ethnicities to further stratify your social hierarchy with. So let us camp out in some dismal sod hut, pop open a bottle of home distilled Vodka and fear impending Cossack raids together my friends and allow the horrible, feted, screaming waters of the past to flow under the bridge of our mutual distrust, my friend, my comrade.
5/20/2009
A Word from our sponsor...
Board games:
Everyone knows that friends, family, fuck buddies the whole caboodle loves board games. Well we have a eye opening soul wrenching experience to set their souls straight. :
Runaway games-" I have to be home by 11pm, I'm going to sleep with a crack head."seems like a nightmare, it doesn't have to be. Teenage disobedience without remorse or sense has been a reality ever since we gave woman the right to vote. Regardless teenagers psychological health, their minds and bodies have been up for grabs for over a decade and here at Oedipal games we have worked tirelessly to find games to bring our generations disaffected youth together with their parents without weed or a court appointed attorney. '" You don't except my holistic dream vibe as scientific fact" no longer is a psychological act of war but a playful ploy to begin a game of "Runaway games" the board game for disaffected youth prone to trading in their easy suburban lives for one of degrading sex acts and substance abuse.
That's Our Hitler!!! [a rosy cheeked cartoon Hitler is pictured hugging a family on the box cover]- You're a Nazi, I'm a Nazi we are all Nazis!!! Since World War II the best way to end a discussion is to say "Thats what Hitler did' or "You believe that! Your Just like the Nazis" without mentioning that it seems like a singular anomaly for a political party to come to power in the most economically and socially rich country in the world to elect a supreme dictator who at first embarks on liberal programs such as universal health care, a revolutionary systems of transit and the prevention of cruelty to animals even garnering the Olympics only to embark on one of the most brutally decadent and insane programs of social cleansing ever imagined under the veil of World War. While other barbarise countries have done terrible things, I'm looking at you Russia, a Civilized and progressive government has yet to reach their depths to the same extreme, but that doesn't mean we aren't all a little like Hitler and a little like the Nazis and its time to point that out in Oedipal games favorite medium, the Board Game. Oh no you rolled snake eyes, now you have to sign a false confession or go to the spaces in the east! You landed on the Anne Frank house and must go into hiding, lose your next 3 turns, endless fun for the whole family, [cartoon Hitler bursts through Warner Brothers style ending Bumper]
don't make me inform the fun Gestapo because they have ways of making you play!
Everyone knows that friends, family, fuck buddies the whole caboodle loves board games. Well we have a eye opening soul wrenching experience to set their souls straight. :
Runaway games-" I have to be home by 11pm, I'm going to sleep with a crack head."seems like a nightmare, it doesn't have to be. Teenage disobedience without remorse or sense has been a reality ever since we gave woman the right to vote. Regardless teenagers psychological health, their minds and bodies have been up for grabs for over a decade and here at Oedipal games we have worked tirelessly to find games to bring our generations disaffected youth together with their parents without weed or a court appointed attorney. '" You don't except my holistic dream vibe as scientific fact" no longer is a psychological act of war but a playful ploy to begin a game of "Runaway games" the board game for disaffected youth prone to trading in their easy suburban lives for one of degrading sex acts and substance abuse.
That's Our Hitler!!! [a rosy cheeked cartoon Hitler is pictured hugging a family on the box cover]- You're a Nazi, I'm a Nazi we are all Nazis!!! Since World War II the best way to end a discussion is to say "Thats what Hitler did' or "You believe that! Your Just like the Nazis" without mentioning that it seems like a singular anomaly for a political party to come to power in the most economically and socially rich country in the world to elect a supreme dictator who at first embarks on liberal programs such as universal health care, a revolutionary systems of transit and the prevention of cruelty to animals even garnering the Olympics only to embark on one of the most brutally decadent and insane programs of social cleansing ever imagined under the veil of World War. While other barbarise countries have done terrible things, I'm looking at you Russia, a Civilized and progressive government has yet to reach their depths to the same extreme, but that doesn't mean we aren't all a little like Hitler and a little like the Nazis and its time to point that out in Oedipal games favorite medium, the Board Game. Oh no you rolled snake eyes, now you have to sign a false confession or go to the spaces in the east! You landed on the Anne Frank house and must go into hiding, lose your next 3 turns, endless fun for the whole family, [cartoon Hitler bursts through Warner Brothers style ending Bumper]
don't make me inform the fun Gestapo because they have ways of making you play!
5/01/2009
The Wolves...
Tesla’s America
By Joshua G. Pollack
Metatron the Divine Herald
I sit on high, the Divine herald of G-d, proclaiming his glory, narrating his Divine Comedy from the celestial partition. The winds are blowing from the east, a child wails in the distance. In front of the hearth sits two, one Nicolas Tesla drunk and despondent, two Mark Twain, the setting is Niagara Falls the turn of the century.
Nicola Tesla
I sold it you know
Mark Twain
Sold what
Tesla
The Death Ray, for 75 dollars and the promise to use it only for good, those Martians were persuasive. It seemed like such a good idea at the time.
Metatron
A wolf’s cry is heard in the distance, curdling blood, a short silence will be observed.
Twain
Do your hear the wolves
Tesla
Edison is on the prowl again, I can feel it, scheming in his New Jersey fortress, like a Walachian Vampire transplanted to the east coast, like Dracula…that was a very good book you know.
Twain
Thank you
Tesla
What?
Twain
Nothing
Tesla
I invented the alternating current you know
Twain
I invented the Atom Bomb you know
Tesla
What?
Twain
The things you can do on a sunny Sunday afternoon when the Curries are out, I was so bored.
Tesla
You know they say by the end of the twentieth century all known diseases will be cured by electricity.
Twain
Who needs to write books when you can harness the power of the Atom…
Tesla
The Tesla coil will be the savior of this new age of mankind…
Twain
Jules Vern ain’t got nothin on me
Tesla
Edison wear’s women’s clothing, did you know that
Metatron
Twain looks down dejectedly, fiddling with his thumbs wondering what he can say.
Twain
Yes, Yes I did know that
Tesla
Figures
Twain
What is that supposed to mean, it’s purely a comfort issue, and you’ll see in ten years everyone will be doing it
Tesla
Just another case of liberal reinformation
Metatron
The word Reinformation was first used in 1454 by the Venetian inventor Reduxious Informentii who saw the transformation of Haga Sophia and believed that information itself was being reinvented. This is of course impossible but it was a fun idea to play with like a mental bauble of questionable reality. Of course a definition for this impossibly constructed word remained elusive. So some believed that Reinformation would fade into histories scholarly depths, those people are called retards, we have special homes for them. The rest of us knew that Reinformation would once again raise its nebulous and improbable head. This is just one example of it.
Twain
What does Reinformation mean?
Tesla
You have asked a mouthful, to know it would be to read Webster’s dictionary and “ Get it” , to cry when somebody said “no, let me explain it again” knowing that the original explanation died in its birthing so future explanations could live, to change the term Reinformation into a continually changing Noun, Adverb, Adjective, verb, and dangling modifier. Its very nature, when understood, would be change. To know it is to break the surly bonds of human logic and touch the face of G-d… and then to have your hand crumble to dust as you are unclean and unfit.
Twain
Well, gee Mister Peabody thanks for the explanation
Tesla
What did you say?
Twain
The cursed dog, why does he torment me, him and his boy, only I can see him, studying me with his spectacled eyes, watching, studying me for weakness, judging my soul!!!
Metatron
They look at each other with distrust and hate and fear swimming through the room, as the ung-dly quiet begins to settle in, and the cold air circulates
Twain
G-d almighty it is getting cold, I am dieing, when I die I will not be mourned by loved ones but by my critics and detractors, knowing I can do no more harm
Tesla
When I die I shall not be mourned or remembered, I will not be in the history books with Bell or Edison, my only Eulogy will be by the G-men as they rifle through my papers looking for secret inventions and insights, cursing me for my lack of Posthumous ingenuity
Twain
Yours is worst
Tesla
Maybe I should go over Niagara in a barrel; at least my death would bring me fame
Twain
It is winter, it is frozen
Tesla
All the more crazy, the kind of quirky end that gets people like me into history books
Twain
I came to lecture
Tesla
I came to install my electric dynamo to harness the power of the Niagara
Twain
Yours is better
Tesla
You know when you said “did you hear the wolves” and I was silent, I lied
Twain
What?
Tesla
I hear the wolves every day of my life.
Twain
Me to
Metatron
The two geniuses’ loose themselves in the night fading to darkness as the Niagara swallows them in its undefended boarders. Twain would go onto die, his Atomic research unaccredited, and Tesla would die forgotten, and G-d laughs on high at the absurdity of it all, a long wail of a laugh, not unlike the cries of wolves.
[Close Curtains]
[Open Curtains with Metatron in trench coat]
Metatron
Telegram for a Mister Tesla, that’s a strange one Russian?
Tesla
Yugoslavian, who are you? What Telegram?
Metatron
Too many questions, here is the telegram, I must be going or no one will know what’s going on.
[Removes Trench coat and returns to his pedestal]
And the mysterious telegraphs men disappeared from the tavern.
Tesla
What? What is going on?
Twain
Not drinking men are you Tesla. Any good drinking American knows you open the letter and only question the circumstances if the contents are negative; I think that one comes from the Bible.
Tesla
[Laconically]
The American Bible.
Twain
Yes, the American Bible written by Jesus smith in Washington DC on July 4th 30 AD right before he took a stage coach to Jerusalem, that American Bible. Open the letter.
Tesla
Telegram
[Opens and reads the “Telegram”]
Yes, Yes! MY experimental blood test on the Edison samples came back, three different types, he is a vampire, or worst Windango…
By Joshua G. Pollack
Metatron the Divine Herald
I sit on high, the Divine herald of G-d, proclaiming his glory, narrating his Divine Comedy from the celestial partition. The winds are blowing from the east, a child wails in the distance. In front of the hearth sits two, one Nicolas Tesla drunk and despondent, two Mark Twain, the setting is Niagara Falls the turn of the century.
Nicola Tesla
I sold it you know
Mark Twain
Sold what
Tesla
The Death Ray, for 75 dollars and the promise to use it only for good, those Martians were persuasive. It seemed like such a good idea at the time.
Metatron
A wolf’s cry is heard in the distance, curdling blood, a short silence will be observed.
Twain
Do your hear the wolves
Tesla
Edison is on the prowl again, I can feel it, scheming in his New Jersey fortress, like a Walachian Vampire transplanted to the east coast, like Dracula…that was a very good book you know.
Twain
Thank you
Tesla
What?
Twain
Nothing
Tesla
I invented the alternating current you know
Twain
I invented the Atom Bomb you know
Tesla
What?
Twain
The things you can do on a sunny Sunday afternoon when the Curries are out, I was so bored.
Tesla
You know they say by the end of the twentieth century all known diseases will be cured by electricity.
Twain
Who needs to write books when you can harness the power of the Atom…
Tesla
The Tesla coil will be the savior of this new age of mankind…
Twain
Jules Vern ain’t got nothin on me
Tesla
Edison wear’s women’s clothing, did you know that
Metatron
Twain looks down dejectedly, fiddling with his thumbs wondering what he can say.
Twain
Yes, Yes I did know that
Tesla
Figures
Twain
What is that supposed to mean, it’s purely a comfort issue, and you’ll see in ten years everyone will be doing it
Tesla
Just another case of liberal reinformation
Metatron
The word Reinformation was first used in 1454 by the Venetian inventor Reduxious Informentii who saw the transformation of Haga Sophia and believed that information itself was being reinvented. This is of course impossible but it was a fun idea to play with like a mental bauble of questionable reality. Of course a definition for this impossibly constructed word remained elusive. So some believed that Reinformation would fade into histories scholarly depths, those people are called retards, we have special homes for them. The rest of us knew that Reinformation would once again raise its nebulous and improbable head. This is just one example of it.
Twain
What does Reinformation mean?
Tesla
You have asked a mouthful, to know it would be to read Webster’s dictionary and “ Get it” , to cry when somebody said “no, let me explain it again” knowing that the original explanation died in its birthing so future explanations could live, to change the term Reinformation into a continually changing Noun, Adverb, Adjective, verb, and dangling modifier. Its very nature, when understood, would be change. To know it is to break the surly bonds of human logic and touch the face of G-d… and then to have your hand crumble to dust as you are unclean and unfit.
Twain
Well, gee Mister Peabody thanks for the explanation
Tesla
What did you say?
Twain
The cursed dog, why does he torment me, him and his boy, only I can see him, studying me with his spectacled eyes, watching, studying me for weakness, judging my soul!!!
Metatron
They look at each other with distrust and hate and fear swimming through the room, as the ung-dly quiet begins to settle in, and the cold air circulates
Twain
G-d almighty it is getting cold, I am dieing, when I die I will not be mourned by loved ones but by my critics and detractors, knowing I can do no more harm
Tesla
When I die I shall not be mourned or remembered, I will not be in the history books with Bell or Edison, my only Eulogy will be by the G-men as they rifle through my papers looking for secret inventions and insights, cursing me for my lack of Posthumous ingenuity
Twain
Yours is worst
Tesla
Maybe I should go over Niagara in a barrel; at least my death would bring me fame
Twain
It is winter, it is frozen
Tesla
All the more crazy, the kind of quirky end that gets people like me into history books
Twain
I came to lecture
Tesla
I came to install my electric dynamo to harness the power of the Niagara
Twain
Yours is better
Tesla
You know when you said “did you hear the wolves” and I was silent, I lied
Twain
What?
Tesla
I hear the wolves every day of my life.
Twain
Me to
Metatron
The two geniuses’ loose themselves in the night fading to darkness as the Niagara swallows them in its undefended boarders. Twain would go onto die, his Atomic research unaccredited, and Tesla would die forgotten, and G-d laughs on high at the absurdity of it all, a long wail of a laugh, not unlike the cries of wolves.
[Close Curtains]
[Open Curtains with Metatron in trench coat]
Metatron
Telegram for a Mister Tesla, that’s a strange one Russian?
Tesla
Yugoslavian, who are you? What Telegram?
Metatron
Too many questions, here is the telegram, I must be going or no one will know what’s going on.
[Removes Trench coat and returns to his pedestal]
And the mysterious telegraphs men disappeared from the tavern.
Tesla
What? What is going on?
Twain
Not drinking men are you Tesla. Any good drinking American knows you open the letter and only question the circumstances if the contents are negative; I think that one comes from the Bible.
Tesla
[Laconically]
The American Bible.
Twain
Yes, the American Bible written by Jesus smith in Washington DC on July 4th 30 AD right before he took a stage coach to Jerusalem, that American Bible. Open the letter.
Tesla
Telegram
[Opens and reads the “Telegram”]
Yes, Yes! MY experimental blood test on the Edison samples came back, three different types, he is a vampire, or worst Windango…
2/13/2009
Op-ed response: The Senator
Everyone knows that "Rabbi" Xander Shmoiglstein and Dr. Milton Osiris are enemies, right? Shmoiglsteins Ultra-Modern Orthodox movement stresses spirituality, the immortality of the human sole and tax cuts, while Osiris demands focus on corporal reality, existential truth and third trimester abortion rights. Every Sunday while good Christians are begging Jesus to do something about these guys, they smatter the talk show circuit in an endless dissemination of their morally bankrupt, corrupt and oddly sexually arousing ideologies. And now, its taken a half retarded reporter from Cleveland to expose the truth, that these "Gurus" are connected at the pocketbook ( "half-retarded" is not meant a dig against Dr. Newberry. I've met him many times, usually at twilight and under a shroud of mist and although twilight doesnt last for very long, if you run into someone over the course of a lot of twilights, which Dr. Newberry and I it seems have, you really get to know a guy, no matter how much shrouding mist there is. What I've learned is that he suffers from a very acute case of multiple personalities disorder or at least something very similar to it. His other personality is actually quite retarded, though very cute and lovable. So in essence I only mention it to further commend Dr. Newberry for triumphantly managing his disability and to condemn the media at large for being stupid as fuck). Sure when Osiris's Book "Shmoiglstein: Fool or Madman" came out followed shortly after by Shmoiglstein's " Lying liers and the lier king, the lying fish and the lying dove and fuck you Osiris" it look liked an old fashion, political/ pseudo-philosophical grudge match for two men's who's charisma far outshines any expertise that they may or may not have in anything, at all. Then, fifty four combined books, twenty eight lecture series, seventeen themed vacation retreat events, non-stop coverage, full exposure, leaked photos, secret memos, untold numbers of "-gate" suffixed scandals and a record breaking payperview, no holds barred cage match hosted by the WWE, these "enemies" have generated billions of dollars, global fame, an absurd amount of political influence and a free small frosty with every large sized frosty that they pay full price for, an offer most American's have to get coupons for from buying french fries. Now their alliance is exposed in the largest and only literal and metaphorical pyramid scheme ever perpetrated. When asked why no action has been taken, a Federal prosecutor talking to "Bunker Life Weekly" stated," look if we can't get this guy (Shmoiglstein) on the numerous and diverse counts of sexual misconduct that he has been unceasingly accused of by an ever increasing number of women, a charge so obviously consistent with his reputation, with his behavior and with his youthful yet, fatherly good looks, do you really think the public is going to bite at the suggestion of an obscure and frankly ridiculous sounding conspiracy, the truth of the matter of which would be almost impossible to establish in the noise of the whirlwind of the spin that would surround it?" The reporter from "Bunker Life" reportedly then laughed at the anonymous Federal prosecutor, as I to will right now, hahahaha, ok that's Enough!
1/22/2009
Shocking News: Rabbi X indicated on massive Jewish Slavery ring
Brooklyn, NY- It came to our attention early Tuesday morning that, "Rabbi X" the leading voice of Ultra-Modern Orthodox Jews has begun selling massive burial pyramids to his congregation in order to bolster his building fund. Our source in Brooklyn, the Senator, brought this to our attention after he received a series of Brochures accidentally delivered to his Williamsburg "shag den." In addition to a series of diagrams and illustrations the basic text of the document went as such:
"Are you uncomfortable with the idea that after you die your body will rot and dissipate into the cold and unforgiving earth? Does it bother you how such a process is symbolic for the more abstract process of the memory of your presence on earth eventually and inevitably being forgotten? Some people want you to believe that through inward focus and spiritual awakening you can simply make these nagging and terrifying realities float away, much as cookie dough relieves the anguish of solitude for the lonely. But for us, the more rational and realistic, we realize that it takes something much sturdier, physically larger and of course more extravagantly expensive. I'm Dr. Milton Osiris of Dr. Osiris's Pyramids and Pyramid supplies. Here at O.P.P. we offer you a very simple historical reality, pyramids have been around for a long ass time. What other burial structures have stood the test of time like pyramids? Crypts? Caves? Perhaps Mounds? Perhaps, but is that how you want to manifest your quasi-eternal physical self manifestation? Its up to you would you rather be known as the guy buried in the mound or the man entombed in the Pyramid of Osiris. Face it nothing beats the classic desert pyramid, built with real old timey stone by real Jewish Slaves...cough, cough... I mean by real muti-ethnic slaves."
While the idea of extravagant burial is nothing new the last line of the brochure demanded additional inquiry. After finding most of the states legal slave markets closed for almost two centuries I realized that his sources must be illegal and sought to enlist my good friend, and dirty work professional, the Fellonist to tap the rabbi's telegraph, which he uses to avoid alien interference and interception, but whose security is no match for the Fellonist, and last night we finally hit pay dirt with the following message from Dr. Osiris, the business associate and personal physician of Rabbi X:
"X[stop] Need more Hebrew mind slaves [stop] wraith of vengeful God slowing production [stop] i saw your kids pics on facebook [stop] Raizil Shmilza is getting so big [stop] "
While Raizil Shmilza is becoming quiet the big girl, the proof that Rabbi X has been involved in a ancient cults burial practices and the enslavement of his own community has lead to local politician vowing to "look into this matter further," which I am sure means a full range of Golf course Jokes and mild mannered banter on the subject until it can be safely swept under the rug. Though the leadership has been less the proactive in shutting down these illegal activities it has yet to be seen whether or not there Will be a public outcry on the subject...
"Are you uncomfortable with the idea that after you die your body will rot and dissipate into the cold and unforgiving earth? Does it bother you how such a process is symbolic for the more abstract process of the memory of your presence on earth eventually and inevitably being forgotten? Some people want you to believe that through inward focus and spiritual awakening you can simply make these nagging and terrifying realities float away, much as cookie dough relieves the anguish of solitude for the lonely. But for us, the more rational and realistic, we realize that it takes something much sturdier, physically larger and of course more extravagantly expensive. I'm Dr. Milton Osiris of Dr. Osiris's Pyramids and Pyramid supplies. Here at O.P.P. we offer you a very simple historical reality, pyramids have been around for a long ass time. What other burial structures have stood the test of time like pyramids? Crypts? Caves? Perhaps Mounds? Perhaps, but is that how you want to manifest your quasi-eternal physical self manifestation? Its up to you would you rather be known as the guy buried in the mound or the man entombed in the Pyramid of Osiris. Face it nothing beats the classic desert pyramid, built with real old timey stone by real Jewish Slaves...cough, cough... I mean by real muti-ethnic slaves."
While the idea of extravagant burial is nothing new the last line of the brochure demanded additional inquiry. After finding most of the states legal slave markets closed for almost two centuries I realized that his sources must be illegal and sought to enlist my good friend, and dirty work professional, the Fellonist to tap the rabbi's telegraph, which he uses to avoid alien interference and interception, but whose security is no match for the Fellonist, and last night we finally hit pay dirt with the following message from Dr. Osiris, the business associate and personal physician of Rabbi X:
"X[stop] Need more Hebrew mind slaves [stop] wraith of vengeful God slowing production [stop] i saw your kids pics on facebook [stop] Raizil Shmilza is getting so big [stop] "
While Raizil Shmilza is becoming quiet the big girl, the proof that Rabbi X has been involved in a ancient cults burial practices and the enslavement of his own community has lead to local politician vowing to "look into this matter further," which I am sure means a full range of Golf course Jokes and mild mannered banter on the subject until it can be safely swept under the rug. Though the leadership has been less the proactive in shutting down these illegal activities it has yet to be seen whether or not there Will be a public outcry on the subject...
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