Watch Mario Batali take a @#$% on your values

Auto-erotic asphyxiation with charcuterie is just one of the many ways the deviant chef can reach sexual climax

While the 56 year old chef, author, restaurateur and goblin king, with his signature fleece vest, orange crocks, shorts, taking a modern twist on classical Italian dishes and giant purple chindo he wears to children's parties, he has also been quietly been making a name for himself as a deviant Satan worshiper whose "predatory attitudes make him a danger and an affront to society, but, oh, what that man can do with a duck, after he's done @#$%ing it to death of course" said a clearly conflicted Chef Marco White.

Here the Gladware shill and heroin addict can be seen drunkenly raising the spirits of the dead to the horror of a captive audience, who were then locked in and burned as a sacrifice

In addition to his many crimes against decency, both common and basic, he seeks to steal from his employees, and rapes their wives when he knows they are away at work.

Hurricane Matthews may have released Floridians into the wild

If you cut an adult Floridian in half, they will grow into two compete Floridians

U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has cautioned Americans that Floridians, once isolated in America's most phallic state, might have been released into the wild and have already begun breeding outside of their natural range, or as one especially tenacious couple did, throughout the hurricane, eventually washing up in Galveston, where the female promptly spewed forth a full litter of 6-8 hydrapods, that, with the help of the moon, the tide, and government welfare, will grow into 350 pound specimens capable of eating their weight in shrimp at a single buffet, and capable of believing they can wrestle a fully grown crocodile. After Burmese pythons and lion fish were released into North American Eco systems after hurricane Andrew, ecologists warn that a full blown Floridian infestation in the Midwest, New England, or frankly, anywhere outside of the deep south, would come into conflict with local populations, with the aggressive and barely clad Floridians pushing out their more appropriate competition, and could supplant the local population in as few as 50 years, that is, unless they fail to adapt to cold winters, continuing to wear bathing suits and halter tops no matter the weather, in which case they will freeze to death, and that will be that.

Clinton Team: "We prepared for a lot worse"

After it became clear that Hillary Clinton would run for the office of President, and planned to use Bill Clinton as a crude maul to bash her way to inauguration, they had to open the biggest can of 90's worms in the pantry . To recap, from the 80's through the 90's Bill Clinton used his position as governor and then president to pressure women, most of whom he had direct power over, to preform sexual favors for him, and then used his wife and the Democratic party to justify these actions as harmless fun, and demonize the opposition for cock blocking the president. That is what we know.

Here the former President can be seen asking pop sensation Beyonce to "Touch it"

"Frankly, compared to what these women claimed, the President did a lot worse! He's not like JFK going after the pretty ones, or the famous ones, he just likes the ones he has power over, the man loves his [historical] slave-master role-playing" Said an anonymous 300Lbs African American maid the President has kept on his "personal staff" for over 30 years, and whose 7 children bare a striking resemblance to the former governor of Arkansas.

Hillary describing how "Bitches" who snitch get "stitches"

Hillary, who can only reach climax by watching her husband degrade other women, pointed out that Melanie Trump probably never, personally gas-lighted the daughter of a family friend into believing nothing ever happened, and definitely never "mulched a whore". A staffer from her campaign, who has since gone missing added " Honestly, at this point, we don't have enough pigs to get rid of all the bodies, we told her most of them won't talk, but I don't think its just about the cover up, I think she likes it" before a high pitched noise caused the staffer to flee in pain.