NASA tells you how to safely view tonight's "Ragnarok Moon"

What is a Ragnarok Moon?
With interest high,  and chances of a singularity slim, NASA is doing everything it can to help the populace view a rare and terrifying "Ragnarok Moon". Called a Ragnarok moon, as it could theoretically herald the Fimbulwinter, a multiyear winter of complete darkness, endless battles, that will be a prelude to the climactic fight between the elemental powers of the universe, which will end in utter destruction, but NASA says, due to the alignment of the planets, constellations, and the sparsity of Loki sighting, it is highly unlikely.

Is a Ragnarok Moon safe to view?
That said, NASA wants to make sure everyone understands that, like with viewing a Solar eclipse, to view it safely, requires several precautions. As the Ragnarok Moon represents an alignment of the planes encompassed by the world tree Yggdrasil, one can expect high tides due to increased activity of the Midgard serpent, so expect coastal flooding, as well as the death of cowards, and circumpolar wolf activity, as the children of Loki yearn for his return. While those born without souls, or who have so tarnished their souls with this world that they could never enter Valhalla, can view the moon without succumbing to its effects, all other humans should only view it as reflected by a mirror

What are the symptoms of having viewed the Ragnarok Moon?
NASA adds that one should never look directly at the Ragnarok Moon and madness and compulsively gathering the fingernails of the dead, are the least of your worries. Children who view the moon, will be marked for capture by their cultures/ Religions version of a Bag-man, and attempts to save the child will only add to the collateral, before the disobedient child is inevitably taken, if the parents are atheists, CPS will do the job, NASA has assured the public. Adults who directly view the moon, and don't immediately go insane, will be seemingly unchanged, until people from their community start to go missing, and after many false accusations, and executions, the home of a once respected and loved individual, will be revealed as a house of horrors. Lastly, it was believed that the elderly who viewed the Ragnarok moon would commit spontaneous Attestupa, but NASA believes that was a myth perpetrated by Nordic nations to commit senicide to help grease their social welfare system. The non-Scandinavian scientific community is split on whether the elderly can view the moon directly without issue, or if they are more likely to turn to cannibalism if they do.   

How to prepare for viewing the Ragnarok moon
First of all, all mirrors must use silver as the reflective surface, other materials, polymers and gold will still reflect the mind bending rays of the moon into your soul and mind, but in a strange and distorted way, which NASA asserts might be even worse than viewing it directly. On the other hand, using a silver backed reflective telescope, the viewer might see something like this:

This sketch by Johann Galle, depicts what he saw while viewing the Ragnarok Moon in the winter of 1860 at the Breslau Observatory 

It is also suggested that one brings burlap sacks to cover the faces of children, as it is better to have a sack on your head for a couple hours, then spend a perceived eternity in one, till being sold to a terrifying master, because you couldn't keep your eyes shut. NASA added, that if it thought people would listen they would suggest everyone spend the night watching netflix in the basement with loved ones till the danger has passed, but who would listen?

G-d sad that faithful reject evolution

G-d, currently incarnated as a feral S.E. Asian dog, thought evolution was pretty cool 

The creator of all, who is eternal, thought a system by which small inherited variances, over time, give an organism an enhanced ability to compete, survive, and reproduce, and has the ability to dramatically alter their appearance and nature, much like the dog, which is his name spelled backwards, was a "pretty @#$%en cool idea". While the traditional 7-day cold start was a great way to get a bunch of shithole mud dwellers to shape up and get their act together, he couldn't wait for his creations to find out the wondrous, yet work-a-day genesis of life, that is evolution, G-d added:

Frankly, I could purge the holy@#$% out of this rock: asteroid, space plague, your own hubris, whatever, boom. As long as I got snakes, turtles, rats and roaches, I can have biodiversity wherever I want it within 25 million years, because of an incredibly smart system of self selection that I installed like gravity.

G-d would also like to remind us there is a spooky skeleton inside all of us, except invertebrates,sharks, and any number of unspeakable horrors

A clearly irate, impassioned, and all powerful G-d continued:

I have explored vertebra world, and rarely found it wanting as I shepherded it through its myriad morphological forms. That said, and this coming from the most advanced and only truly eternal being, bug world is, and will always be, an option. Invertebrates are still the vast majority of the planets  animate biomass, and have biologically, attained levels of complexity that vertebrates, socially, have attained only recently, evolutionarily speaking, which I thought would be the jive talk of the initiated, the B in plan B, stands for "bug"

The deity alcoholics the world round have come to know, concluded with:

I am thinking of a Myriapoda species, innately feudal, coarse, and fixated on feeding, reproducing, and attaining "Purity". They will never attain FTL capabilities, but will spread through grotesque generation ships, and if the species they come in contact are weak or primitive, they will consume and reproduce unchecked, turning feral in the absence of opposition. On the other hand, if they meet a superior species, they will go invasive, attaining civilization and culture as a means of destroying their enemies, only to send their elite out in generation ships to colonize new worlds, leaving the plebes to cannibalize each other. Is that what you want?

While it seems the creation of such a species is just the musings of a supreme being feeling vengeful over his adherents rejecting his super cool reality, for the training wheels version of the universe, he is still the being holding all the cards, so, respect.   

Jason Momoa attacks on the rise!

9 out of 10 Jason Momoa victims never saw him coming

While the vast majority of Momoa attacks are on unsuspecting campers, tourists, and sex workers, as well as people Momoa mistakes for "The One". The other side of the coin are the deep psycho-sexual stalking murders he commits, based on random encounters that he hyper-focuses on. While this savage and barbarous monster of a human has become famous and beloved playing barbarous ultra humans, he has also helped keep the deer population in check in any area he is filming in, says Momoa Tracking and Research Association. MTRA Researcher Dr. Todd Crunkle stated "While stalking someone he is either romantically interested in, suspects is a long lost family member, or a mentor who has killed his true and/or most recent  love of his life. He will in the process, feed on hundreds of pounds mammals, fish, fowl, and grubs, every day" Before clarifying that what he does is not stalking, but instead science, because he is writing it down and submitting it to peer review.

Most studios cannot afford the insurance required to work with Momoa, those that do are required to recapture him using drones and convict trackers

What these Momoaphiles fail to recognize, is that the actor, when he fails to conclude his business quickly, and consume enough protein through predation on native wildlife to quiet the forests, he often wanders into inhabited areas, or stumbles upon campers and hunters, occasionally befriend them, but more often he is mistaken for a bear attack. This misconception has been reinforced by the fact that Momoa, after sustaining heavy damage from his enemies, wounds that would kill a lesser man, he is nursed back to health by a roving pack of wolves, who he will stay with till he can return the favor, or a grizzly mamma he had saved many moons before.

"Oh, dear G-d! Oh, @#$%!  A tourist wandered onto the set! Get the tranquilizers! GET THE TRANQUILIZERS![Screaming, brutal snarling, rending, and then eerie silence]"

While the Momoasphere is still out on if these are truly unprovoked attacks brought on by rage and hunger, or if he has unknown preternatural senses, which allows him the ability to react to threats biological "Minority Report"style, making him a mystical vigilante. Either assumption, in this reporters opinion, is Momoaphobic, Jason has proven his ability to show great empathy and honor, like when he honored his Khaleesi's from the front at her request, instead of raping the hell out of her for her impudence, one of the many on screen twists R.R. Martin insisted on, but which Momoa refused to abide. It should also be noted that Jason Momoa makes a personal appearance in many of my dreams, sometimes as a guide, sometimes a friends, but always caked in blood. Lastly, if you were Jason Momoa, you would probably murder a lot of people in a mindless rage too.

"Carry on my Wayward Son" Useless says CIA Interrogators

Whether it is Negan breaking Daryl, and Eugene is tapping his toes to later with Easy Street by the Collapsible Hearts Club, or Dominique driving the sane mad, and calming the insane in American Horror Story: Asylum, music which so often provides solace and strength becomes a grating hell, which destroys soul and self. Of course there  are the CIA's documented use of songs from Sesame Street and Barney and Friends,  Down to my own personal "pet" project set to The Muppet's "Life's a Happy Song",  played loud enough to blot out the screams, I don't want to spoil the surprise, but let's just say it's going to be something.

"Stuck in the Middle With You" Is more of a torture song than an interrogation one

Yet, Deputy Director of the National Clandestine Services Greg Vogel, probably an alias for a much cooler name like Max Rostrum or Hugh Debonair, has reported that, despite exhaustive clandestine studies, and practical experience, it has been proven the Kansas's Opus and Guitar Hero favorite "Carry Onward my Wayward Son" can not break the human spirit under any circumstances. In fact, the song can only strengthen ones will to resist, and prisoners have been witnessed air-guitaring with their hands under restraints, while being electrocuted and/or waterboarded, along with the song.


Deputy Director Vogel went onto explain that " Whether it is the uplifting instrumentals, the story of a misunderstood character on a divine, heaven bound quest resonating with prisoners, or their joyous synergy, the song just inspires endlessly, regardless of the method of transmission, or number of repetitions", while also clarifying that I can't just refer to him as Klaus Von Titan.


Klaus continued by saying " We had previously thought the Foreigners "Juke Box Hero" and The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes" had similar properties, until we pumped subjects full of 400 ug's of LSD, and sent them through a maze of mirrors lit with disco lights, and a tandem fog/bubble generator running full blast, especially if we have childhood home videos to project through the mist."  Noting that experiments, and free-form interrogations carried out by psychopathic agents, soldiers, mercenaries, and thugs on the run, who managed to get a few minutes alone with a subject, are ongoing.

5 Unpopular opinions for the Trump era

Welcome to future savages!

1) Too Many Babies- These days, everyone's got one, older and younger parents then ever before, but each and everyone of those monkey larvae is pissing and shitting their pants, puking everywhere, and screaming when they shouldn't, and there is no reason they shouldn't spend this awkward period in an alpine facilities far away from normal humans. Ever since people have tried subjecting themselves and others to to the socialist experiment, and socialist child-rearing has been attempted, and monumentally successful, at raising resentful children who will swear never to subject their children to the same, but now we got robots.  Our automated facilities will provide universal care in the darkest, most sterile, care facility of its kind not meant to store and slaughter livestock, though we are not saying that Temple Grandin wasn't involved.  From birth till their 18 month birthday they will be brought up in a grossly utilitarian fashion that will be mandatory, to avoid "privilege".


2) Why are there so many congressmen? - I am not saying we kill them all, unless their is support for that (PM me), or even do away with representative democracy, entirely, but think how much we could save if we culled it down to a bakers dozen of Senators, and one Congressmen, whoever survives the battle royal, but we still elect 400+ representatives every 2-years, to make the corn grow, and each Senator, or his supporters, must directly finance one elite  legion of super patriots for our ever expanding "frontier", and two bottles of Jamaican rum for every citizen.

It's all glue to me

3) Horse glue is the best - Horses are strong beautiful creatures, with obvious intelligence and expressive eyes, and when I join two pieces of paper, I like to A) Be entirely nude, with an audience, and B) Know that a highly evolved, social animal, was pulverized to make it, as I clumsily spill it all over myself, I do get so sticky. All deviance aside, it is just better.


4) Proportional responses are for the weak - There, I said it, and anyone and everyone who disagrees is also weak, and their opinions rendered worthless because of that weakness. Be forewarned, if you try to use logic I will headbutt you, you bring a knife to a fight, I bar the exits and set the building on fire, you make a joke about my mom, I cut out your tongue, fill your mouth with my @#$% and staple it closed, get the idea?! I don't do this because I want to, but if I don't it will be done to me, we are in a survival universe, and whether it is cruel or comforting depends what end of the fork you are on, an endless game of dominance I will not lose. So next time you tell me to calm  down, instead of expecting a response, calmly back out of the room while maintaining eye contact, because, otherwise, the scenario ends in a hospital, a prison, or both.
  
5) I'm not angry, you're angry 

Top 5, 3 most underappreciated, and 2 dangling Whiskey Republic Posts of 2017

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Top 5 posts of 2017 (By page views)
1) Happy Albanian Independence day! - Hey, how do you invite someone into the family, who is also a proud Albanian, write an article based on a quick reading of Wikipedia on the subject Albania, for Albanian Independence day.


2) Fozzie Bear "allegedly" sexually assaulted over 30 - It wouldn't be 2017 without a #metoo story, and Gonzo's basement is far too depressing for this publication, so of course everyone's favorite Patsy took the hit for the team (They all have skeletons in their closets... which become animated, joke, and sing when the door is opened).


3) Trump isn't Hitler he is King George the III - In the wake of Trumps surprise victory using a core of a hillbilly supporters and a new form of media, and he has been pretty despised from the get go, so everyone threw out all the other crayon colors of despotism and tyranny and went straight to "Super Dark Goth German Hitler Blackish Grey like Hell", and didn't even care to color within the lines. While Trump is super despicable, both as a human, and as first citizen, he is a ignorant, spineless weakling who is all bluster and petty nationalism, and not to ride the fuehrers cock but the man was a veteran who was jailed for his political beliefs, with a well thought out  (though evil) program for Germany, and whose nationalism was anything but petty (I repeat, anything). Trump is like the original American boogeyman, King George the III, in almost every way. He is so wealthy that he can not relate to the problems of everyday Americans, but not so rich as to be able to act independently and/or in a visionary way. He promotes a nationalism gerrymandered for his base, that will inevitably lead to conflict with everyone else. He has a habit of speaking and acting in a deranged manner and only seems good at procreating and stamping his name on things (Same thing, amiright?).


4) Rabbi X Ride's again! - It was fun to catch up with an old character back from the days when The Senator and The Cardinal shared an apartment in Washington Heights.


5) Trump Secretly Consumes Pardoned Turkeys - Hey, what won't that man do!? In season 1 of  "The Adventures of President Drunk-Uncle" Trump has insulted everyone and anything that doesn't agree with him, and regularly blundered into unpresidential territory, and, oh no, he has discovered a new presidential fetish.



3 Most Underappreciated - There are no bad Whiskey Republic posts, some are not meant for all viewers, others are acts of personal catharsis, while others are amazing, funny, and all they lacked was an audience willing to give them a honest chance. Here are the 3 wallflowers at the prom I stand by, and not in a creepy Roy Moore way. Also, looking at them now, long headlines might have been an issue.

1) Putin hopes to influence the USA through the use of "American Spring Break" - I do have to admit, reading the picture quotes in a comically Russian Putin voice is part of what endeared this to me, but Russia trying to quietly subvert our democracy using banal American institutions is still a timely and important issue.

2) Nation Rallies behind "Spider Moms", many picked off and cocooned in their silk- Hey, ever hear of "Baltimommies"? No? Than you are lucky, mom fads are just the worst because the whole family suffers, and NO! I'm not bitter.

3) In a rare, candid moment, Bill Clinton admits Donald Trump is his fault - Basically Bill being Bill explaining that his characteristically flaunting the moral conventions of the presidency paved the way for President Trump, while receiving fellatio from a Chinese agent.



2 Danglers - Some of last years favorites just wouldn't give up the ghost in 2017, here are the two posts from last year which more than doubled their viewership in 2017.

1) The true meaning of Hanukkah - The true meaning Hanukkah is religious purity and warfare. Period.
2) Hillary Clinton suffering from chronic implosive diarrhea - Something about describing Hillary Clinton completely saturated with her own shit really connected with readers.