3/29/2016

The Fellonist strike's Prohibition Town once again

Just when he thought he had found the perfect crime, the system changed the rules...


Prohibition Town, Indian Territories- While many of the towns folk had hoped that the repeal of prohibition within Prohibition Town would end the cycle of public drinking, organizing of crime, both illicit and seditious, bootlegging related massacres, and wild zoning and code violations at his many speakeasies owned and operated by The Fellonist and his nefarious associates, many of whom were on probation and their mere association with the Fellonist was in fact, a felony. Instead, according to the Fellonist's indentured butler, whose arrangement is a gross violation of the 14th Amendment, who said:

" As I initiated a rube goldberg scenario of felonies that resulted in the phonograph playing a bootlegged version of Morgenstimmung, and preparing his breakfast of poached poached eggs, Sausage made both from stolen cured pork, and pigs that were stolen and slaughtered onsite, as well as grits made from corn that was unethically and illegally harvested from federal lands, and cheese made from milk the Fellonist had stolen in the night from sleeping cows while in a farmer costume, which itself had also been stolen.The Fellonist sprayed his coffee out his nose when he saw the Prohibition Town Gazette's headline " Prohibition Repealed in Prohibition Town: Town hopes to rejoice" with the byline "I knew it could happen, but I never thought it would happen here" and wound up a time bomb that he threw out the window in rage onto the train tracks bellow."

While most onlookers at first thought his reaction was to the news that a whole avenue for breaking the law in such a way as to constitute a felony had been taken from a man who derives all sense of worth from his ability to commit such acts, it turns out that his entrance into town dressed as a Victorian era women wielding a hatchet, was with an entirely different, twisted, logic. As he smashed bottles and kegs at each newly opened Saloon and Tavern, many thought it odd, that a man who had such destructive capabilities, and who just that day had caused  53 train related fatalities, would go about destroying property in period drag with a small axe. It soon became apparent from his shrill proselytizing whine that he believed the repeal of prohibition was in fact a new law which mandated drinking, and if people were unable to drink, they would be found in arrears, as he explained when he thought he had trapped a unwary Publican in his scheme, which is his term for any series of actions. Once explained the Publican told him that there were still many, many, many illegal substances whose mere possession was a felony in most localities, including Prohibition Town, which convinced him to release his grip on the publicans collar and hitch a ride on the back of a trolley bound for booze town with intent to distribute.

3/18/2016

Accidental ISIS

Since its inception into varsity league terror, one of the most frightening things about ISIS is how inadvertently many people have joined it.
It was believed that Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott joined ISIS after getting exceptionally high
 Ashton Kutcher and his "Dude, Wheres my Car" co-star Sean William Scott accidentally joined last summer under "hazy circumstances" ,after which the Hollywood heartthrob giggled for a while and then admitted it had to do with smoking weed and the promise of more weed. While he has since returned to the USA and renounced his extremist ties, he still speaks nostalgically of the quality and quantity of the hash he smoked while he was sapping Palmyra and butchering Yazidis.
ISIS has been hacking road signs to divert gullible travelers to Northern Syria & Iraq
ISIS has also used its technical know-how and media acumen to advertise false tour dates and locations within ISIS territories for bands that openly promote drug (but not alcohol) culture, hacked road-signs to divert travelers into livestock containers bound for Raqqa, and by promoting its sex tourism on the dark-net. Several ISIS recruiters posed as quasi ethnic stand up comedians using French and Jewish jokes to test the room before inviting everyone to an after-party at "The Caliphate". and at least one recruiter has made  a name for himself trolling forums and suggesting, to a vast array of questions, "Joining ISIS couldn't hurt, right?" and has since made millions in T-shirt sales with that catchphrase.

3/15/2016

Punking Hitler!

The Ghost Armies "Dildo Chair" takes its toll on the fuhrer once again.
The Ghost Army was an elite, hand picked group of Americans brought together to get inside Hitler's head and @#%! it! From inflatable vehicles and deceptive radio signals, to transsexual Eva Braun look a likes and replacing his shampoo and toothpaste with caustic chemicals and feces.
Agents push a VW bug containing Hitler, unconscious, in drag, into the women dorm at a Berlin university
The Ghost Army’s greatest hoax occurred in March 1945 when it impersonated two complete divisions of 40,000 men using soundtracks of construction work and more than 600 inflatable vehicles. The entire operation climaxed with 30 B-19's dropping 300 tons of human waste on and around the Reichstag. Immediately following up on their success, they initiated " The Clowning of Berlin" where some 2,000 resistance clowns where joined by 500 clown agents to prank and make light of the situation the Nazis found themselves in, it is believed that the Clowning of Berlin is what finally drove Hitler to suicide. 

3/14/2016

Trumpian love-fests abound

Clinton stated "I am debasing myself with many amoral, and tight women, to display the total moral vacuum which is the Trump Campaign". 
While many commentators have discussed the violence and racism prevalent  around Trump rallies, few have talked about the violent but consensual love fests occurring up, around and inside American politics. pistoning away for Trump. Few can deny that his devil may care and consent is a matter of opinion attitude has lead to a lot of penetration, it is widely expected that 2017's baby name of the year will be "Trump II" as per his request, and at a communal Bris Trump said " I don't care for any of you, most of you are foreigners, but I love you, because you fight, and you are quality" He then squatted and expelled 7-pounds of liquid waste in under 6-seconds, in what many thought was a ruptured sphincter episode, but what was in fact a rectal publicity stunt.